Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

That was supposed to be @Lepetitpiggy at the top!

My mum died in May18 after an 8 month illness. I know she is in a better place but still wish she was here. I said to my dad yest I wish I had been with her when she passed. We where taking turns to stay in the hospice at night and it was my turn but sadly she passed early in the day so I will always have that regret that I was the only one not there.

@mcmen71 I think it is natural to think like that when someone dies. I certainly have been. You were there with her all those other times and couldn’t have known she was going to die then. She would have known how much you loved her.

Last half term was the only one I hadn’t brought my kids home in years. I hadn’t seen him for six weeks and I almost called home last Sat instead of the Sunday as planned, which was Father’s Day, but I was really tired so didn’t. I was about to call when I got the call that he died I will always regret that but am trying to think about all the wonderful times we did spend with him instead.

They were due to stay with me this weekend. I so wish he was here, driving me mad and building elaborate trainsets with my DS.

emmapeeler thank you so much for the CSLewis quote. Hadn’t come across it and it has really resonated with me. I’ve been thinking ‘anxiety’ but fear is closer.
I also have a regret. Was to see my ma (saw her weekly) and when I phone she said she was tired and had lots to do and could I come down later in the week. I said of course and we had a good chat. Two days later she died out of the blue (other than being elderly but full of vim and sharp as a tack). Creeping up on me (only 6 months layers!) is the feeling I should have worried about that ‘I’m tired’ a bit more but then I think don’t be silly if I’d gone to see her when she didn’t want me to that would ah e been worse etc. She was still out and about so didn’t seem cause for any particular worry. Wish so much I’d seen her - feel let her down a bit. Then think that’s silly - I know it is silly. God it’s awful this inability to let go.
emma just don’t be hard on yourself - your Dad wouldn’t want you to at all.
Hugs all. One day at a time.

I had left mum at 11am, she was unconscious as she had been all week, and the nurse said go home for a bit, I'll call if there's a change. I touched her hand and went home to do some housework. I was cleaning dad's room when the call came to tell me she had gone, three hours later.
The guilt I felt not being there still gets to me, but I can rationalise it more now. She had no idea what was happening or who was there and she slipped off completely alone. I can only believe she waited.

Also, the day before her stroke ( she had a massive stroke which put her in hospital 3 months before she died,completely taking away her memory and cognition) she'd called and said she was having a bit of trouble with her breathing. Used to her wittering about her health, I sighed and said see the doctor then. The next day, I tries to call give or six times but she didn't answer- I assumed she'd turned the phone down as she did at times. All along, she'd been collapsed on the floor and not found till the next day
More guilt that still gets me. I think it's something we all have.

Should be dd's room I was cleaning!

Oh lepit I am sorry - all we can do is try not to play those things over in our mind or when we do to be kind to ourselves. Hugs.

Thank you. Its hard isn't it

Hi all, I haven’t written before, my wonderful mum died a year ago tonight. We were with her, she was home as she wanted it, we had some warning it was coming, and yet I still haven’t accepted it. Never seeing my lovely mum again, never thanking her again for loving us so unconditionally, never again being able to laugh til we cried together, how do you get your head round never? I had a moment of absolute panicky terror a few months ago - where is she now? I’ve always known where she was before, now I don’t know and the terror and helplessness of that is bewildering.

The last year I have kept busy with work, family life, more work, anything to stop me having time to think.

I don’t know what my point is really, just that I love her and miss her so very much, and I’m trying to stop myself thinking about those last few hours.

Sorry you have had need to seek out this thread too, but I’m glad to have found it. (Sorry for the rambling verbal outpouring!)

sparklyglitter1 I am really sorry you are feeling this way and am sending you a hug.

Over 7 months from my ma dying here and I’ve had some serious wobbles over the last few weeks similar to yours. I just want to see her and have a few chats about ‘stuff’ - really miss her and her unconditional love and ma- ness. Showed someone a photo of her the other day and started to cry. It feels raw still.

In all the dealing with her stuff and her house and my siblings (I’m the executor) and endless probate/tax/conveyancing stuff still, I get sharp pangs of realising she’s gone.
It’s really horrible. It’s also made me realise they went through the same with their own parents and generations before then I think better get on and do them proud with what’s left of my own life and have fun etc. Mixed.
Hugs all.

Sparklyglitter1 I am so sorry you lost your lovely mum ,I lost mine in January and sometimes I almost havr a panic attack thinking I will never see her again it's as of she is still in my line of vision but always out of reach ,the dreams are the worst heartbreaking hell ,I totally understand how you feel take care

Heron and Foxy Thanks both, what you both say resonates with me.

We helped dad with mum’s estate and probate stuff, and then and now I’ve been so grateful I had my dad and sister with me, I hold my hat off to anyone dealing with all the paperwork and emotions by themselves.

Yes, a panic attack, maybe that’s what it was. It passed quickly, but felt so primeval and instinctive, I temped that down quite quickly. Not healthy I suspect, but too scary to allow the feelings free reign.

Hope you’re both holding up ok xxx

@mcmen71, my mum died on March 26, also in a hospice. She was in palliative sedation, so we knew the end was approaching. My dad and I were there for her final hours, but when we realised it was minutes away I couldn't stay, I didn't want that particular memory. I went downstairs and was supported by the staff who were just starting their shifts. Less than 5 mins later she was dead. I don't regret it, I was there at moments she needed me the most, and that's enough for me. I know it's different for everyone though, but I find it helps me to remember that.

So sorry to see new people joining this thread. Losing a parent is a peculiar thing I've realised. So many people go through it, but it still is one of the worst things to experience I've found. It's been just over 3 months for me, and I have days where I'm fine and days where I'm barely coping. Life is so busy as well, and I think I've reached a point as well now where people have 'forgotten' that I've recently lost my mum. I really feel very wobbly on some days, and still feel very heightened emotionally. Apparently this is normal. But no one prepares you for this, and I don't think you can be prepared for this.

My wee mum wasn't well the last few months of her life but the thing is it wasn't life threatening but she lost all her confidence and independence too move as she had a leg injury that they just couldn't get on top of and she just slowly dwindled away I tried everything but I keep having massive guilt attacks did I do enough? Could i have done more?Did she know how much I loved her?sometimes I was so exhausted dealing with it all l (my dad in a care home,kids,work etc )I just wanted it to stop but never my mum's death to be the answer and I have so much guilt thinking that's my punishment and I have to deal with that for the rest of my life ,I miss her so much and sometimes the pain is overwhelming and never ending sorry for the ramble

@foxyknoxy30, I think you can only do so much really, but I understand your thoughts. It looks like you had a lot on your plate. I'm sure she knew how much you loved her, I think parents have a 6th sense for that.

Have you tried talking to a mental health practitioner? It might help you. I'm a bit advocate for looking after your mental health!

foxyknoxy that’s tough and I remember some of your earlier posts and your good support on here given and received. Thank you.
Please don’t be tough on yourself. I’m thinking those feelings of guilt need to be worked through before you are at ease with the fact you did what you could and your mum will have known that.
I’m finding grief wave-like - it ebbs and flows. I recently had guilt for first time remembering she said she was really tired as she put me off seeing her two days before she died it of the blue. But she was still up and about, drive the day before she died, had plans and outings organised, I found a recipe she had out to cook for me 2 days later when I was going round. So I just have to try not to think ‘what if’. Spoke to my sister openly recently about this which helped. She laughed and told me not to be silly. Then we had some tears.
It is tough - I keep saying that but it is so true.hugs everyone. One day at a time.

Thank you to your kind messages I have been toying with grief councilling and will decide when I get back from holidays and mums flat sold and probate complete,I have ok days and bad days which I try and hide and tbh the bad days are shit ,you sometimes think your doing ok and then pow hits you right where it hurts the heart,I admire everyone on this shit and often lonely journey and one day at a time folks take care

Sending hugs to all.
I lost my darling mum two years ago, very suddenly and very unexpectedly. I just can't seem to still apprehend that she isn't here. My mum was also my very best friend and I saw her every day.
Our dd is now 9 years old and is struggling so much about loosing her nannan. They was very close.
I am finding it very hard to get her to sleep in her own bed as she wants to be with me, as she thinks something is going to happen to me. When mum first passed away she suffered from night terrors for a while, but they seem to have gone now. She has had a few bed wetting episodes recently.
Also, she was referred to a speech therapist as she started with a stutter not long after mum passed. We have now been discharged as they have said there is nothing much they can do and it is because of the shock and the grief she has encountered that has started it. It will go in time we was told.
She also suffers from anxiety and is constantly wanting reassurance that the front door is closed and no-one is going to get in.
I was wondering if anyone else's child went through the same or does anyone have any ideas please?
I have made an appointment at the doctors next week as I am hoping seeing a counselor may help, but we have to have a referral from the GP.
Thanks xxx

Hello all, just checking in. I am sorry that you are all still struggling. I spoke to a friend who lost her parent and she said it’s taken her a few years to feel ‘normal’ again. I am now two weeks on so early days, and it’s been pretty full on with organising things and supporting DM. The funeral is next week. DM is struggling a bit with finding everything overwhelming as she has lost her concentration and doesn’t get to sleep for thinking about things. I call her twice a day and go back home when I can between work. On Tuesday I was emotionally exhausted and couldn’t get anything done here so my house is a bit of a tip!

I too have struggled with guilt but like you heron have been trying my best not to think ‘what if’. Like your DM he had plans, was looking forward to holidays etc. He seemed much better in his last week or so and had done entirely normal things, going out for meals, having a nice time. He had a cough but he had pronounced himself better and had been enjoying himself again. I still struggle with how he then died so suddenly and I think I will never completely understand. But I do think there is no way anyone could have known. It’s so easy to look at those last few days and think ‘what more could I have done’ but speaking to others who have lost a parent, this seems to be a very common theme.

My older siblings are doing the eulogy but I have written a few words. I have so much to say about him and a bit of a eulogy isn’t enough time! We have had so many cards with so much love for my DF. Everyone is so shocked and 71 suddenly seems no age. I feel aggrieved that he was robbed of another ten years at a really enjoyable stage of his life but am doing my best to be grateful for the time we had with him.

I'm also sending hugs and to all, this is just so hard isn't it

I'm over 3 months in now and feeling worse than I did in the early days, I just really, really want my Mum. I definitely need to try the bereavement counselling through my employer, I've been putting it off as the thought of it makes me anxious but think the time has definitely come now.

I feel numb. I've spent the morning sitting with my DM as she is now in her last days. She's had dementia for the last few years, is nearly 90 and is so very frail. I know that this is the best thing for her and my DF is coping as well as can be expected but I want my Mum! I hate seeing her so helpless, I'm hoping that things will be easier to bear when this uncertainty ends - please don't disillusion me yet.

I posted right at the beginning of this thread, my Dm died in January and I was pregnant at the time.

I've since had DD (a surprise girl, was convinced she was a boy) and have named her after my mum. It was going to be a middle name anyway so we decided to swap them around.

Being a new mum has made me miss my DM even more, I keep wanting to ask her questions or have a little cry when breastfeeding got hard or just to show her DD.
On the whole though, I am coping better than I thought I would be....I don't know if this is good or if I'm bottling things up. We'll see when we get to my DM's birthday / Christmas etc. I think having to concentrate upon DD has really helped me and my family in a way.

Hello all, today was my mums funeral, she had just turned 67 and died after going into hospital with suspected gallbladder, getting diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and gone within 19 days. I feel life has no joy anymore.

Mum is an identical twin and she lived with me for the last three years part time to look after my children.

My husband is no comfort as he has Aspergers and I feel so totally alone, although I have close family I feel nothing can fill the void.

sarah I am so sorry and for your dd also. I don’t have experience of children of her age grieving or being anxious. does her school have help? Great you are seeing your doctor for counselling referral if that seems good. I am so sorry. It can take forever. My dad died 2 years ago - just realised I missed the anniversary dealing with my mum’s death 7 months ago. Hugs.

annunciata I took want my mum and yours made my cry. Mid 59s here and I really do just want her back. Feels empty and alone (I’ve a lovely partner and friends etc but nothing really takes her place. Hugs to you.

alice I am really sending you a hug. It will be tough. You are allowed to feel however you feel. I had some relief when my ma died because she had a ‘good death’ just how any of us would want. I had relief when my dad died a few years ago because he had been struggling and it was the right time. I’ve has some guilt about both feelings but got through that and understand it. You are doing the right thing being there and for your df. One day at a time and what an honour to look after your mum and your dad through this. Hugs. Proper hugs.

moonlighti am so sorry your mum missed your lovely girl and how lovely to name her after her. That’s really special and your mum would be pleased as punch I’ll bet. I miss chatting with my mum about ‘this and that’ I am so sorry you are missing sharing Emma with her. She’d be proud of you. No problem if it feels like you’re dealing with it better than expected. It’ll all be churning through somehow and we feel the way we feel. Hugs.

ellie I am so sorry about your mum. What a dreadful shock and also to lose her when she lived with you. This thread has been bloody brilliant for support and just a place to share and say stuff use us. We are right here. My lovely dad died 2 years ago and my lovely man7 months ago. It’s been shit (forgive but that’s an understatement) but life goes on and becomes ok. Hugs.

Hugs all. all