Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

who I am staying with...

distract best wishes for today, I just want to say respect to you for even thinking about reading the eulogy. I so wanted to do it for my dad, felt I 'should' as i was his only daughter. But I just couldn't. I'm quite shy anyway and I just couldn't do it.
I wrote it and the vicar, who knew dad well as he went to church, read it out.
I just felt satisfied that I got to say what I wanted to say and everyone was so encouraging and supportive.

Thinking of you today distract.

MyGuide that’s what a friend did for her Dad, wrote it and the vicar read it out. I thought it was lovely.

Thinking of you distract. It's our funeral today too - I had a freak out last night that my outfit wasn't right (given the rain and the comfort eating) so lovely dh spent half an hour patiently going through my wardrobe with me to find something better. I've been really teary all morning and can't wait for this bit to be over.

Thinking of you today, distract and Gamorasgran - I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible.

Thinking of you also Gamorasgran Hope today goes well.

Sending big hugs@Emmapeeler - your reaction sounds so familiar. Hope today is good to you @Gamorasgran and that the eulogy goes smoothly.

The funeral was a few hours ago (I’m abroad at the moment). I felt sick the night before and could barely sleep. Every minute felt like an hour and I didn’t think I could physically get through it.

BUT the cliches are true! My mother gave me a quarter of a tablet that she uses in emergencies (will post name tomorrow once she’s awake). I had rescue remedy and a friend gave me a homeopathic pill Ignatia. All of these combined to make me feel much better and I was actually able to ENJOY the service and the afternoon tea.
Because my dad hated religion, we had zero hymns and had just a few poems and tributes.

I read the eulogy without crying once (thank you pill). I think it was also because I had made it funny rather than irreverent and overly sentimental (that was his style too).

I haven’t told anyone that this was my first funeral ever and I’m the wrong side of 40 (that’s what living abroad from surviving relatives does to you).

It was by far the best day in the last two weeks and I’m dreading what’s to come x

@Distract, so glad it went well and it is now over. Well done on the eulogy.

What poems did you have out of interest?

Lioness and Leftie I have just been catching up on the thread, sorry for your recent losses, hope you are doing OK?

I have spent the morning calling the utilities people for my mum, all sorted. Also transferred the car insurance and home insurance. Doing admin was surprisingly helpful as I hate admin.

Emma Lioness and Leftie I am sorry that you've had to join us but hope the thread is bringing you some small comfort, thinking of you all

Emma what you said about doing admin really resonated with me, I think it's what kept me functioning in the early days/weeks.

Distract I'm glad today went well and you were able to give the eulogy, that was very brave of you and one thing that I couldn't do for my Mum.

Thinking of you too and hoping all has gone well Gamorasgran

Distract I'm so pleased for you (if that's the right word).

Today went well for us too. I had a lovely chat with my auntie before. Ceremony was good - I totally lost it on the first hymn but the eulogy and tributes were great as was the vicar and for someone who is not really religious at all, I felt a real sense of peace in the last hymn.

I didn't go to the actual burial - my dad totally hated that bit so I wasn't prepared to attend out of respect for his views (Mum was aware and was totally ok). Dd1 really struggled but got lots of love and reassurance from everyone.

Loads of people there which was gratifying and dm was oddly in her element!

Emma, the admin is horrific but I know what you mean - it's something to do isn't it.

Love to all

I have been feeling slightly better lately and life seemed to be getting back to an even ish keel, but yesterday I had a snotty letter from the DWP asking for more information about mum's money as they may have overpaid her pension credit. I am furious. Its 5 months on and everything has been settled. I honestly don't know if she was getting too much; I know for a fact, nothing was paid after she died, and I used the Tell us Once service literally the day after she died, so hopefully if it is anything it wont be much. I have obviously distributed (well, given bitch sister her bit) the pretty small estate, , so I guess I'll just have to pay it myself. It's horrible

This is the last thing you need @lepetitpiggy. Admin is hell. If DWP messes you around don’t be afraid to go to your local paper or tweet them about the Tell Them Once system not working.

It struck me today that with my dad gone, there are four women left in the family (our kids and husbands aside). Of the other women, I am the only one who connected with my (gulp) late dad on an intellectual level. The others are obsessed with petty squabbles over their childhoods and analysing other people’s relationships. Admittedly I got sidetracked with the mundane side of life after having young D.C. but now that the youngest has hit five, I was looking forward to reigniting the stimulating conversations with my dad. Too late now and there’s no one else who even comes close in terms of intellect, knowledge and passion for debate.

Lepetit that’s terrible, and very upsetting. Last thing you need. I haven’t told the Tell Us Once service yet because DM is waiting for the death certificate but am expecting similar annoyance about government departments. (Local govt employee here but it’s true, we can be very frustrating!).

Distract my youngest is also five and I was looking forward to doing more things with my Dad again. We did lots of kids stuff as we stayed at half terms etc but I was looking forward to more museums, maybe opera or concerts, he loved music. And just having more brain space and being less tired and better company. I feel really sad about that.

They were due to visit me this weekend to do an exhibition and I was really looking forward to it as weirdly, the half term just gone was the first I haven’t been over in years and I hadn’t seen him for a while.

I keep seeing tall blonde/grey older men in blue shirts and linen jackets and thinking it is him - has happened several times now.

Oh I still see little old ladies and think 'mum!' even though she rarely left her house in the last few years.
I have a cushion that she always leant on at hers in our conservatory and the smell of her is fading which is making me really sad too.
As for the DWP. Bah!

Glad to hear your day went well too Gamorasgran

I didn't have much trouble with Tell Us Once/government bodies apart from TV licensing who were quite rude, Mum didn't even pay for a license anyway so I was only telling them out of courtesy. It was mainly the utilities and other organisations that pissed me off, they all had bereavement teams who were lovely but they'd tell me one thing then next thing I'd get a snotty letter from a different department.

I've still got admin burbling around to do with the estate but my solicitor is dealing with it and just sends me stuff to sign. I know I'll have a bill in the end but it's seriously worth it to me.

I keep thinking I'm hearing my Mum's voice she's been gone for 3 months now and I still can't believe it some days.

I miss my Dad’s voice so much and I just want to hear it. I feel like I just can’t believe he is gone. I keep taking pictures of his things - shoes, post-it’s etc. as though trying to hang on to him. And I am up again at gone midnight going through my texts and photos and emails looking for evidence of him - I just feel so confused I that I can’t find him.

I am really struggling today

Oh Emma, it's so so hard I know. All I can say is let it happen, feel as sad as you need. I had days of just shutting myself away and howling.
It's a.horrible horrible time xx

Emma hugs from me. I’m so sorry you’re going though this. As legit says just do those things and let them happen - they need to.
If it’s any comfort 7 months on I am glad I have, in all my mum’s stuff, lots of stupid little shopping lists the last few sudokus she did (with smiley face if done and frown if not) and on and on. I kept them just like you. At some point I’ll do something with them. For now I don’t care - feels ok they are with me in a box somewhere. It took me 5 months to throw out one pair of disreputable shoes which I had been suggesting she throw for several years - took photo of them before i finally did. They were so much her and made me laugh and frown all at the same time.
We just do what we need when we need and there’s not always much logic going on.

It does become easier to live with.
One day at a time. Your dad would want you to be ok.

emma I think its really common what youre going through, I remember saying to DH how can dad just be gone, where is he?! I saw him every day so to suddenly not have him was so painful. I have a video of him singing on my phone and now even 2 years later it makes me cry. Just go with it, don't hide the tears, do what you need to do

I have just got back from my Mums wake. I’ve bought my niece and my youngest 3 and left all the others to it. I couldn’t read the eulogy. I was rooted to my seat so my Aunty did it for me.
My mum is from a big catholic family so we had the whole shebang. Rosary the night before, bagpiper walked her in and out and played at her grave. I don’t really know how to put it into words. I feel like I’ve floated off somewhere.
I spent some time with my Mum over the last few days in the chapel of rest, some people tried to talk me out of it but I just knew I had to do it. I held her hand and kissed her face lots and said everything I had to say.
Now what though? Is this how we feel forever? I feel like I had my life and then a huge crack appeared and now this is my new life.
So much love and huge hugs to all of you going through this. Like previous people have said, I can’t believe people are walking around and carrying this burden. Xxxx

@Emmapeeler how are you feeling today? Sending hugs. @Gamorasgran I’m so glad you felt peace at the ceremony. And @Lioness22 you are so brave to go to the chapel. What a good idea to use that time to say what you needed to say to your DM. I suspect this grief thing will be a sort of inverse experience of labour: the gaps between the painful contractions will hopefully get longer. I have only had planned c-sections so I’m also talking from a place of ignorance by the way.

Thank you for your lovely comments. I do know what you mean about wanting to shut yourself away @

I read somewhere that CS Lewis said “No one ever told me how much grief feels like fear” and I totally know what he means.

It’s one week tonight that he had a glass of wine, watched some tv with my mum, said goodnight and didn’t wake up. I am doing OK. I had one unbearable night of grief towards the end of my stay with my mum where staying in this house full of my Dad’s things with him gone got too much for me. I am back home for now and taking it easy. I didn’t feel like taking DC1 to her activity today but I did and it helped. I had a lovely chat with someone there who very recently lost her mum who obviously totally got it. She said that our parents never really go as they will always be our reference point for how we do things and I think that is true.

@OldGreyBlanket it must have been so hard, that feeling of “where is he?” when you saw him every day. I didn’t see Dad every day, but every half term/holiday and more I went to stay in their house so for him not to be there was just weird and wrong. It’s also the house I grew up in. I found myself taking photos of the front door, the plants in his garden like even that was about to be taken away from me.

@Lioness22 massive well done on visiting your mum before the funeral. It sounds like it was really helpful and it was very brave. Love the sound of the bagpipes! Ours is a catholic funeral too (so will be long!).

I totally know what you mean about a huge crack in my life. Can’t imagine how my mum feels, having been with him 48 years. I guess that, like @DistractMeNow says, at some point the waves of grief will start to happen less often. I know from my Gran dying that I will probably always think about him in some way every day.

@HeronLanyon I love that your mum did a smiley face if the sudoku was done! My Dad wrote post-it lists which he stuck everywhere so I managed to get a photo of some of those. He helped at the church and I took one picture of a list which said “Bar list: Beer, Wine, Gin” which made me smile