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Bereavement

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Original poster

My beautiful brother has just died

251 replies

namechangedyetagain · 23/08/2018 03:28

He was 42. Had a brain tumour diagnosed about 4 weeks ago. I saw him yesterday

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel numb. I can't cry but I love him so much and I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Golde · 26/08/2018 22:15

I'm so sorry for your loss. Someone you love dying is just the worst pain.

Take it one day at a time, remember to eat and drink Thanks

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 27/08/2018 04:25

Ive been awake for hours and it feels like i can't breathe. Little things keep coming back to me. I'm not sure I can get through this and keep going.
I can't make a cup of tea as I'll wake the dog and everyone else.
I feel so alone

OP posts:
JillJ72 · 27/08/2018 04:33

You aren't alone. Focus on your breathing for a little bit. Have you seen the full moon? The skies have cleared here so I've been looking at it. You can and will do this, and breathing will get a little bit easier - with time. One moment, hour, day at a time. Just take one moment at a time. I'm really sorry for your loss.

Toptheginup · 27/08/2018 13:50

I'm so sorry you are going through this, we are in the same position, our dB died last night, 4 weeks from diagnosis, how will we cope? Doesn't feel real, not slept much and just going through the motions of life today, he's been on my mind every minute.
We were fortunate enough to see him before he passed to tell him how much he was loved by us all.
I keep thinking but why him?? Then I remind myself that an awful lot of other people are in our shoes at this very moment.
Sending you hugs xx

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 27/08/2018 16:19

I'm so sorry for your loss as well.

I'm 4 days in. It's not getting any easier Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 28/08/2018 20:42

So today I've been (with SIL as she couldn't do it alone) to collect the medical certificate and also to register office. I've signed the release form, phoned the church and phoned funeral directors. I feel absolutely done in.

I haven't cried that much today and I'm not sure why. It just feels a bit surreal. Like I'm playing a part in a film. I am trying so hard for everyone but I'm not it's enough.

OP posts:
Annabelle4 · 28/08/2018 20:53

That's so hard, that so many practical things need doing Sad

Thinking of you Flowers

BMW6 · 29/08/2018 13:52

OP of course it is not any easier after only 4 days! You will probably feel worse after the funeral, and will have really bad days after periods of relative calm.
Grieving is like a long convalescence after a serious illness. The first year is the worst - anniversaries, Christmas, birthdays etc. I promise you that this time next year you will not feel this tearing raw grief. You will have days when you don't think of him at all. Hard to believe I know, and you may feel guilty when it happens, but totally normal.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Pace yourself.

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 29/08/2018 16:52

I cannot imagine never thinking about him. Have been looking through photos today and it's so painful. They were taken a month ago. It's so hard to believe. I wake every morning at the same time. I still feel sickSad

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 29/08/2018 17:09

A horrible illness. An indescribable loss. And terribly unfair.

I hope the light of your brother's 42 years on this great and glorious planet wipe out the shadow of his death. God knows you must be traumatised. It is traumatic. Absolutely.

What life has taken from you, time will give back in the form of peace and good memories. It isn't enough. But it has to be. You're left with love... that will see you through, even if it can't entirely heal you. Eventually, that love will be stronger than the stain of your grief. Hand-holding, OP. I lost my uncle at a young age to an aggressive brain tumour and know the awful drill. It haunts me. Sad Flowers

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 29/08/2018 17:16

It is. GBM is so agressive and there's so little research done. I'd never heard of it until 4 weeks ago and now this. I feel cheated. How can it be true?

OP posts:
Powerless · 29/08/2018 17:32

I'm so sorry for your loss. How cruel. Despite not knowing you, I will be thinking of you all x Thanks

yawning801 · 29/08/2018 17:37

I'm so sorry, OP. Flowers

BMW6 · 29/08/2018 23:17

I didn't say you will never think of him - but over time (months) normal day-to-day issues will become uppermost in your mind, whereas at the moment he is on your mind first and foremost constantly.
The day WILL come when you don't think of him at all, all day. It is not forgetting him, or any kind of disrespect or lack of love. You will realise that you are no longer totally absorbed and mired in the loss of him.

You will always miss and love him, in fact when you are no longer thrashing around in this initial terrible pain you will be able to remember him much more clearly, and with the fond affection and warmth that you felt when he was alive.

Keep busy. Help those who your brother loved as much as you can. Eat - if you throw up, try again. Cry. Kiss your children, hug your mum and sil. Be kind to yourself and all those in the family circle.

Remember this - if you are going though hell, keep going.

tigercub50 · 29/08/2018 23:24

I have a poem that I found online & think it’s a lovely way to think differently about what dying is. Google “ What is Dying” by Victor Hugo. So sorry for your loss OP 💐

Whereismumhiding2 · 30/08/2018 00:10

@tigercub50
Hi tiger, can't find that poem online, it's all 404 page not found or unsafe sites. Can you paste a copy of it instead.

I looked because bereaved too

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 30/08/2018 07:46

I cannot believe a week has gone by and yet I'm still here when I would rather be with him. It's so unfair. I wake at the same time every morning - the time he left us. I'm not sure why this is happening.
I am exhausted between spending time with people, crying and arranging things. Just feel wrung out.

OP posts:
BirthdayBlueBo · 31/08/2018 13:17

I’m thinking of you op 💐

Megthehen · 01/09/2018 00:10

Thinking of you too. Much further along than you and able to forget from time to time and remember him and smile. Grief is the price you pay for love..so true. One day at a time Flowers

minmooch · 01/09/2018 02:21

It isn't fair. There are no answers as to why this happens. Why some never experience illness, why some do, why some respond to treatment, why some don't. It's just plain hideous and so unfair.

You just carry on. You keep living. My son died from a brain tumour. I understand. It's unfathomable. And yet the pain, the rawness dulls over time. You learn to live with the pain and heartache. You learn to live and laugh and love alongside the grief. You just do. But it takes time, a whole heap of time and tears and anger and disbelief. Xx

TallDad1974 · 01/09/2018 02:32

I have not read any of the above comments sorry but the best healer is music. Try this one..

Thesearepearls · 01/09/2018 02:34

There are no words

I lost my adoptive brother at the same age.

I am very sorry that this has happened. I think it might help to get busy. To organise things in the way that he would have wanted. To clear things up. I think they call this displacement activity. But it helps to busy yourself until you are ready to look at things. to look at the reality of your life without your brother

Flowers
Mediumred · 01/09/2018 02:49

Oh love, you are in the very teeth of this now, it has been just days since losing your brother. Just be kind to yourself, expect little from yourself, be proud of yourself, as I am sure your brother would be of you, that you are able to do some things to help the other people who loved him and he loved. You are doing well but you can’t expect to feel anything other than very sad for a long while now, and that just has to be endured, shit as it is. The rawness will pass one day. Sending you hugs in the meantime, it is the hardest.

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 01/09/2018 07:07

The last couple of days have been odd. I've been so busy collecting certificate making appointments that I've almost forgotten what's happened.

Then yesterday I went out for the day to something that was booked a year ago. I got to just sit. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. He's died and I won't see him or his beautiful face again. How can that be....

I stated to feel jittery and just needed to get home. I can't explain really. I'm not sure what I'm expecting of myself but I don't think this will ever feel real. I still expect him to text or turn up on my doorstep, go crazy with my children and then go home for his dinner.

I slept for the first time last night with the help of medication. I can't say I feel any better this morning.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 01/09/2018 09:15

It takes time for it to feel "real". Months. I think the traditional year of mourning is specifically to allow the bereaved to come to terms with their loss and arrive at acceptance.
There are stages in grieving - denial, anger (can't remember in between) and the final stage is acceptance. That is when you finally know, down to your core, that they have truly gone and can never come back.
You are in the very earliest stage, so don't expect to feel better for, say, one year.