My beautiful brother has just died

[namechangedyetagain]

He was 42. Had a brain tumour diagnosed about 4 weeks ago. I saw him yesterday

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel numb. I can't cry but I love him so much and I don't know what to do

I remember the dazed and confused days very well still. I still have at least one sad spell on most days nearly 2 years on from losing my mum, and I had a lot more time to realise we would lose her (not come to terms, that still hasn't happened for me even afterwards). Be kind to yourself, hope you and SIL and mum and family friends can all all continue to support each other and any other family members. Do your DCs do hugs?

My grandad has just been taken to hospital. He has a growth and it had started bleeding and won't stop. Seriously this can't be happening.

Oh yes they do hugs. We all do hugs and kisses and holding hands
Im checking up on everyone every hour

Why does today seem almost worse somehow?

Someone said that it’s awful when loved ones die, but the heartbreaking thing is that they stay dead. This is so true. Don’t think you should feel any differently than you do. Xxx

Yes. Maybe that's it, that today is no different.

I'm so sorry I keep posting. I don't want to worry my mum or SIL. And my husband well apart from the birth of the children I've NEVER seen him cry. Or my grandad who saw some horrific things in Normandy. I can't help my family with their pain and that's tearing me up as well

Do NOT apologise for posting. If it helps even a tiny bit, then please post.

I am sorry to hear that your grandad has also been taken badly, though perhaps not entirely surprised. The terrible shock. Really hoping that they get things under control quickly. I am relieved that your family is close. I'm betting you all feel completely useless for each other, but do not underestimate the importance of simply being there for each other.

Why does today seem worse? Maybe because everyone is so tired. Maybe because you've woken up and it's still true. Maybe because it feels more real. It's a horrible pile of crap awfulness. Thinking of you.

Thank you. Apart from feeling physically ill today I feel odd. His best mate came to visit me today. They've known each other since playgroup. We were laughing about the nights out we used to have in our late teens. But it doesn't seem real this afternoon. I feel cold and in a daze.

Just wanted to offer you a handhold. I have lost both parents and am very close to my brothers so I have an inkling of how much pain you must be in.
It's totally unsurprising that you'll be feeling sick, and cold, and awful. You've had a massive, massive shock, and shock and grief take their toll physically and mentally both.

Feeling cold and in a daze is perfectly understandable just from the shock of it. But also, you had one night with no sleep at all, followed by another night with a small amount of crap sleep: in many people that's enough to make them feel pretty weird anyway.

One thing I learned from being awake 48/72 hours straight, was that it felt way worse if you don't eat anything. Try to manage a small nibble of something. Preferably something unhealthy.

I'm so sorry. It feels like there's just nothing we can do to help you, and so many people wish they could. Hang on in there.

I know. Have lots of people asking ofthere's anything they can do for me. Except no one can do the one thing I need and that is to give me my brother.
My SIL wants me to help do the practical stuff if I'm strong enough. I'm really not but she said I'm the nearest thing she has left of my brother. So I think that will be the next thing.

I just feel so much worse today

Hope you manage some sleep tonight. One foot in front of the other.

I've just seen this. I'm so sorry for your & your family's loss OP

I've managed about 2 hours
I just can't do this.
I feel so sick and my chest hurts and my heart is pounding
Everyone else is sleeping

My heart bleeds for you. I lost my brother to suicide 2 years ago. It took me days to cry. I remember posting similar the night he died. I didn't know what to do with myself.

I wish I could tell you it gets better but it doesn't. You learn to live with it. Be kind to yourself. Grief is a rocky road with many ups and downs. But you will survive. And you can still be happy. But it is early days.

I am so very very sorry. 💐

I literally had diarrhoea, didn't eat or sleep for weeks. You are in extreme shock. Take any help you can. Expect very little of yourself these next few weeks. This will probably be one of the worst things that's ever happened to you. You need to take care of yourself.Speak to your GP. If you need to, I am happy for you to PM me. X

It is. Only got a week and a bit left of holiday then I have to go back to work. I can't. I've not got dressed or showered since weds. I can't remember our last time together at home clearly a t b the minute m it was only on Monday. It's making me worry

You don't "have" to go back to work at any point if you are not ready. I am a gp myself and I took 3 weeks. If I had needed Morris would ". And in fact further down the line I did.

This is one of the most traumatic and important things that you will ever go through. I am sorry but losing a young relative in a very unjust scenario is vey traumatic. You need to take care of yourself. Life can wait. It will start again soon, but in the meantime you need to process what has just happened. X

I can't make sense of any of it. He was planning stuff. Fully expected to start his treatment this week coming. Had hospital appt booked for him until March. It is just so fucking wrong and unfair.
I don't think I have ever felt like this in my entire life.
Still can't settle to sleep. Really should have phoned the Dr yesterday

I'm so sorry OP.

The words that helped me most were these, remember that your pain and tears and sadness are for the living. It's awful beyond words to feel that anguish for yourself and your family but you don't need to feel it for your brother because he isn't suffering like you - I really hope you don't think that's callous as I found it so comforting - whatever is after death is peaceful and serene. Whether its heaven or reincarnation or sleep or just nothing. He's not alone in the hospital or anywhere else physical and he never will be. Personally I believe there's more than this life but if not it can't be painful. That made it a minuscule amount better for me so I wanted to say it in the off chance that it gave any comfort at all. That and imagining his words to me - 'Come on doll.', etc. It's obviously very personal but whatever you know he'd say right now. Be kind to yourself. You're doing great. It's hard but you're doing so well and you're not alone.

I'm struggling so much. I need him. He was so calming so laid back about things that couldn't be changed. So accepting.
We share the same genes and we're so very similar in lots of ways but my God he was the better half of us.

I am so sorry for your loss. Can you phone the doctor tomorrow? You may need something to calm you, to just get you through these first few days. Please be kind to yourself.

They won't be open. Is the weekend? I don't know
I do hAve anti depressants which I hAve only just started so they'll take a littl while.
It's more sleep abd the pounding chest. Can't stop being sick. It's not like my usual panic attacks. It's different

You might benefit from a quick release beta blocker like propranolol - that took away the chest pounding and rushing sound in your ears for me. Or something to help you sleep at least. I'm sorry it's the weekend I don't know, maybe try 101 in the morning and ask for the out of hours surgery? It may be a different town but try it? Google should tell you where it is but 101 can give you the no and connect you

Also kali phos - a tissue salt you can get off Amazon.uk, search Dr Scheussler (so?) or just tissue salts. Also Ignatia 30c is good - Amazon again. That ones homeopathic. The first ones science based. Both helped me I was desperate and so tried both and they both helped I think. Google and decide for yourself. Try and sip soup if you can't face toast.