My beautiful brother has just died

[namechangedyetagain]

He was 42. Had a brain tumour diagnosed about 4 weeks ago. I saw him yesterday

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel numb. I can't cry but I love him so much and I don't know what to do

• (sp?) not (so?)

It's your body in total fight or flight mode. Sort for tmi but everything went through me for weeks. You are under extreme distress.

This does settle with time. But it is not surprising after what you have been through.

It is basically adrenaline causing your symptoms.

I managed about 3 hours sleep. Then just had an hour on the sofa. I'm don't like going to sleep as then I have to wake up and realise it all over again. I don't want to wake up. This is too painful.

My mum said I probably should get dressed today. I feel wretched. It's sunny outside today.

Right, I am now going to be a little fierce with you. You need to get yourself into the shower and wash your hair. Check the wardrobe and look for the outfit you have happy memories wearing with your brother.

This will start to make you feel human again.

Your brother would not like to see you stopping your life, he would want you to do some of the things that he had planned. This is the first step and I have every faith you can take it.

It won't make it better but you will feel better if you shower and get dressed.

I felt guilty just getting on with things.

But if it distracts you for ten minutes it will give your brain ten minutes rest.

Our souls are tougher than we think.

I thought I would die when my son died. But I didn't. You will find your way. But you are in enormous shock.

For me I was worried about frightening my other son. So I got dressed for him, I showered so he knew life went on. I got on so that he knew life went on despite the most horrendously sad thing that could happen happened.

It's awful. There's no getting away from it. It's tragic on so many levels. Your body and brain are doing what they can to protect you.

Little steps. Today maybe shower.

Maybe think of showering as a way to help your mum as she will be worrying about you.

But - whatever advice you get you have to, and will, find your own way of grieving and dealing with it.

Hello I'm a bit late posting today but I think I've done a bit more

I've washed my hair and had a bath. Which was odd as I usually speak to my brother in the bath. I know a bit weird but the only peace without interruption. I didn't get dressed but I did put on my snazzy new pj's. Maybe tomorrow I will get dressed.

SIL and step niece came round. We drank tea, hugged, cried a lot, remembered a bit and made a plan to walk our dogs on Monday.

And mostly, very importantly, I phoned a funeral director. It took a G&T to do it and God knows I broke down but I did it. For him.

An absolute fucking mess now though.

Well done for phoning the funeral director, its a painful but important step.
Sounds as though you've done quite a lot today, planning the dog walk is a great idea. Be kind to yourself

Well done. I thought you'd be doing well if you managed the shower and the hair wash. But you did more. I'm sure the funeral director is used to people breaking down, and it's so important for you to be involved in arrangements, as you knew him so well.

Well we have much more to do on Tuesday. But we managed together to do one more step.
My brother had ocd and was a complete perfectionist (as am I) and so this is the last thing I can do to help. I know he'd want things to be done properly.
The really weird thing is that he had not written any wishes down, or told anyone what he would want. As he was fully expecting treatment to begin this week.
And yet SIL, mum, me, dh and step daughter ALL had exactly the same idea as to service type, place etc etc.
So do you think we should go with that? I'd hate to get it wrong.

Name, you sound in so much pain. I am so sorry to hear about your brother. It is so horribly unfair and shocking.

My big brother died 4 years ago very suddenly after having been diagnosed with a brain tumour. He and I were always very close and he was my friend as well as my brother. I think it is hugely important you got to tell your brother how much he meant to you and that you loved him. I was able to do the same and that memory has got me through a lot.

I can’t remember the first few days after his death. I can remember a lot about his funeral. You sound like you are doing so well, you got dressed and you called the funeral director. These are huge steps.

Do you want to tell us more about your brother?

Well done for getting up and getting washed, am sure it felt a bit more human.

Even bigger kudos for calling the funeral directors. Don't worry about crying, they never move without tissues.

If you can bear it, work up a playlist of his favourite songs and talk to his partner and your family about the ones that are him to use at the funeral and the wake.

If all the people closest to your brother had the same idea for how to organise the service, then surely that is the right way. So often relatives disagree over what it should be. For so many of you to independently come up with the same? That makes it sound absolutely the right way to do it.

As you say, there is a lot to be done on Tuesday. In some ways, I think this being a BH is helpful, as it gives your brother's loved ones time to just be together for an extra day, before having think too much about the practicalities.

Thinking of you.

Well done on getting through today, you are taking the first steps. Thinking of you and sending good wishes for tomorrow.

Hello there,, I have just read your post on here, and so sorry to hear about your Brother. Lots of people are thinking about you on here, which means that people care about others in their time of need.

Its good that you have family around to share all your feelings with now..
I know the kind of feelings you are having right now, the shock of losing someone so young. Time,however long time is,,is a healer. stay strong. and take care,

I still cannot sleep. I doze in fits and then wake up and remember. It's terrible. I picked up my phone to text him last night to let him know that Empire Strikes Back was on TV. Stupid woman. It was his fave SW film and he and DS are quite SW obsessed!

This is just too hard and people said it would get better ever day but it isn't. At all.

Oh hon it is early days yet.
My dad died in jan and i am only just realising he is gone and i was with him wben he died. I feel so lost as well at times and it is horrible.
So sorry for your pain. Life is shit at times . You just keep going one day at a time love and you will get through it xxx

A bit relieved I saw him and told him I lived him. Grateful he didn't have a long suffering decline.

These are two very important points. You did get the chance to see him. And he is never going to suffer.

Hold on to these. I think they'll comfort you a little over the next few months

He was scared of starting the radio and chemo this week having been through it all with his wife, my lovely SIL. The outcome would never have been different, it may have given us more time but I can't help thinking at what cost to him?

Don't get me wrong I would give my life to have him back but we have no way of knowing what those extra few months (?) would have brought for him and whether he would have been able to enjoy the things he liked doing - walking his dog, fishing, going out with mates etc etc. He certainly wasn't allowed on his beloved motorbike. He only took up biking a couple of years ago and didn't even tell me and mum he was learning as he knew we'd worry so much. God if only we knew then. ...

There is just no sense in all of this. My baby brother. Why him? I'm so angry. And I need him so much

I cannot make sense of anything .

You wont make sense of it because there is non. Somethings are simply beyond our understanding and in time you accept that.
I have a saying now that i am growing older and it is that i have given up asking questions there are no answers to ! It helps me to accept that sometimes there is no answer to be found and in time you find a way to accept that.
But i reiterate again that it is such early days you will be compleyely shocked and confused and wont know what to think or feel . That is okay and just concentrate on getting through this one day . There are lots of us thinking of you on here and sending love and support. X

I've got dressed today and been out to buy a loaf of bread. So that's something for today I suppose.

To get dressed and go out is an achievement. It sounds very trite, but try to just take a day at a time and be as kind to yourself as possible. Sending love and hugs. x

It doesn't start getting more bearable this horrendously soon. That would be, I don't know, almost insulting to how much your brother means to you, how vast the gap he leaves in your lives. It will get less bad in time. But the awful thing is that you have to survive through this dreadfulness in order to reach the future time when things aren't as bad. A time when you'll be able to remember the many, many happy times without it feeling like your heart is being ripped out. But nobody can wish away that time. However much we all wish we could.

Keep buggering on. For now, it is all you can do.

I’m so sorry my love. It is 10 years this October since my beautiful sister died (very suddenly and unexpectedly). I’m still grieving for her as she was gone so suddenly and I could not tell her how much I loved her. She was my best friend.

You will not be able to make sense of anything for a while. It’s so terribly unfair. It’s an effort to do anything ‘normal’ at the moment because things aren’t normal.

One day at a time. Tears will come and go. Your whole being will hurt. Love his memory.