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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My beautiful brother has just died

251 replies

namechangedyetagain · 23/08/2018 03:28

He was 42. Had a brain tumour diagnosed about 4 weeks ago. I saw him yesterday

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel numb. I can't cry but I love him so much and I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 01/09/2018 09:25

I can't see ourselves ever feeling better. Ever..
I have to start thinking abut the service now hymns readings etc. Everything makes me cry. I don't know where to begin.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 01/09/2018 09:29

My brother died nearly 10 years ago (he was 27) and to be honest it still doesn’t feel ‘real’ or ‘better’. But of course as time passes the grief is less raw, and the feelings are different.
It takes time.

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 02/09/2018 13:35

Today I feel like I'm being repeatedly punched in the stomach. It's my eldest birthday, is a crap day and family stuff we had planned clearly we cannot do. I'm also getting work emails. I can't go back. I don't w when I'll be able to go back. I can't even finish sentences or think clearly. There's no way I could work. I'm having panic attacks again just being out of the house. This week we're doing funeral planning. I'm not feeling ok.

OP posts:
Annabelle4 · 02/09/2018 16:10

My heart goes out to you OP. There's nothing anyone here can say to make it any easier.

I wonder if there is such thing as a helpline you could phone, a type of bereavement counselling, just someone who could listen to what you're saying here and advise you. Do you think you would be up to speaking?

I haven't lost a sibling, so I don't know if your reaction is 'normal' or not (trying to word that as delicately as possible). Maybe you do need some professional advice

Happy birthday to your DC Flowers

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 02/09/2018 16:49

I do have access to counselling, having finished therapy in Feb for PTSD.
I feel a bit of a failure that I can't cope. I know everyone is expecting me back at work and i just can't

OP posts:
BMW6 · 02/09/2018 23:45

I think you should resume counselling.

Poudrenez · 03/09/2018 13:13

My brother died rapidly from cancer too, OP. He was 28. It's so shit, and you are not a failure! Be patient with yourself, You're experiencing a huge tragedy. FlowersFlowers

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 04/09/2018 09:02

Didn't sleep again last night. The fall out is beginning to happen as is usually the way with funerals

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 10/09/2018 18:40

Funeral is this week. THIS WEEK. How on earth am I going to get through it? I have no idea. I'm sat with a pathetic card to put on the goal floral tribute. I don't know what to say. The card is about three inches long. I can't put anything on that that even begins to cover how im feeling.
I don't know what to do with myself any more. Life without him is too fucking hardSad

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 10/09/2018 19:17

Can't imagine what you're going through OP - I adore my baby brother too, and know how bad I felt when we thought he might have a problem. Wish I could say something that would help, but know that's impossible.

One hour at a time.....

Poudrenez · 11/09/2018 16:25

Sending you lots of strength for the funeral OP. It was my dad's funeral yesterday and although I was dreading it, it flew by and is now in the past. You will get through this. FlowersFlowersFlowers

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 11/09/2018 21:22

Thank you and I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers
I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to get through the next few days. It just feels all so real now. Like before he'd just been away with work or on holiday. But now. They've dug his grave and it all seems so.... real.
I just can't comprehend it. I'm not a stupid person but I just can't fathom it at all. How can it be? The pain is unbearable.

OP posts:
greivingsister1 · 15/09/2018 14:26

Unfathomable. Yes. I felt that, still do nearly 2 years on. I’m so sorry.

I hope the funeral went as well as it could have done.

Flowers
chocolateavocado99 · 15/09/2018 14:28

So sorry for your loss.

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 16/09/2018 07:43

Well the funeral has been and gone. I just feel empty now. I was so busy organising, writing, sorting and now I just feel a bit lost. I keep going over and over stuff in my mind but I can't find any answers at all. Why? Why him? How can you be ok and then not? How can you have something so agressive and not know until it's too late? Why isn't there funding for it, like there is breast cancer? How come most people aren't even aware of it? Was there anything we could have done? Is it hereditary? Am I likely to suddenly fall ill? So many thoughts....

This week im going to try and arrange some counseling. I'm not sure it will help. It did before for something very specific because I suppose it was fixable. This isn't though. They can't bring my brother back.

I wish someone could because now I'm struggling without himSad

OP posts:
greivingsister1 · 16/09/2018 07:55

Your questions are normal....you’ll find your own ways of (sort of) answering them. Of course, there is no satisfactory answer to Why?

I’ve found it best to basically accept that I need to just carry around my grief, you’re right it can’t be fixed.

Do try to look after yourself - eating well, exercise in fresh air, some treats. It does help.

Flowers
Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 16/09/2018 08:00

I'm not really bothered about myself. I did make an effort for the funeral as I know he'd look at me and say bloody hell you look rough! Am eating a bit but drinking way too much (every day). I guess mostly to help block stuff out and help me sleep (not that it does). I know that needs to stop. I just don't seem to want to at the minute

OP posts:
BlueGlasses · 16/09/2018 08:18

I am a year further down the road. Beforehand I had no idea how physical the pain of grief in my heart could feel.

I was signed off work for a month and even after I returned there were still days I just woke and knew I could not function so had to ring in sick. I was blindsided by the grief. The pain of my loss would come in waves which was unexpected. One minute fine, the next physically wailing as a way to express my pain. But over time the pain has eased. Only now can I 'sometimes' have a conversation about him without the catch in my throat. But not every time.

I would recommend contacting CRUSE who are specifically trained in bereavement counselling (google or get the number from your GP).

Sending you all the love OP Thanks

greivingsister1 · 16/09/2018 08:24

Oh it’s so tough. I can empathasise - it’s just a case of getting through the days at the moment. I think you said you’re off work?

Spending time actively greiving is wise.

Sorry if I’m speaking out of turn but see if you can start cutting down on the drinking, it really won’t be doing you any favours.

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 16/09/2018 08:41

No drinking isn't helpful and I know that. Just not sure how to stop.
I am off work for another week and then may just go back part time for a while. It's my birthday this week. Usually hate them anyway but really don't want to bother at all.

I'd quite like to go far away and never come back. It has only been 3 weeks but it's not getting any easier. In fact I feel so alone since the funeral. I hope he knew how much I loved him.

OP posts:
BlueGlasses · 16/09/2018 08:57

My love. It's only been 3 weeks.

His death has changed everything. And nothing will ever be the same again. His death will have changed you forever. But that doesn't mean that you won't feel happy again. Life in the future will be different. The hole from his loss will always be there but you will adapt and begin to live your life around the raw pain you are currently feeling.

Drinking is numbing the pain but it can get you stuck in the grief cycle. To heal you need to feel.

Please go and talk to your GP to be sign posted to the right support xxx

minmooch · 16/09/2018 14:50

I understand all your painful questions. My son was at school on the Monday. Tuesday I took him to A&e and was told he had a massive brain tumour. Thursday he was having an 11 hour op to save his life. How did I not know? Me, his own mother?

There are no rational answers to these questions - yours or mine.

3 weeks is no time at all. You are still in shock. You will be for a long time

I'm not sure you ever get over the shock of something as horrific as watching a loved one die from a brain tumour. It seems so unfathomably cruel as it rubs them if them before it takes their life.

I'm so sorry.

Time will dull the shock.

Only over time will you learn to live alongside this. Xx

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 16/09/2018 16:08

I think that over time I will be grateful that it was so quick that it didn't rob him of any quality of life. It was under 4 weeks from biopsy confirmation to losing him. The night before we were texting making plans for taking my girls out for lunch on the Wednesday. We didn't make that lunch as the t u mour took hold and he deteriorated in less than 24 hours.

You're right. I'm in shock. People keep telling me I need to get back to work but I just don't know how I can. I feel like I'm wading through treacle. Simple things like the food shop take me forever to do.

Sorry to ask minmooch but have you found any brain tumour charities or organisations helpful to you? I'm not sure what I'm after really but I'm just cross that is not a well publicised cancer and so I don't know where I can go for help and support.

OP posts:
minmooch · 16/09/2018 17:20

I use The Brain Tumour Charity. But I also gain support from friends I made through Mumsnet actually but that is specific to childloss rather than brain cancer. I think finding support amongst others who are in a similar situation is the most beneficial to me. My grief however focuses more on having lost a child rather than losing him to a brain tumour. I find it terribly terribly difficult to to think about him and the cancer that took him.

There is very little funding that goes towards brain tumours. I want to be able to raise funds at some point in my life for the charity but at 4 and half years down the line I am not yet able to. It takes a very long time to get some balance back in your life.

My son was two and half years from diagnosis to death and to be honest it was horrendous watching him die. I torture myself with the thoughts of how he suffered for so long. But we had no choice in that, like yourselves with your brother.

Be gentle on yourself. X

flapjackfairy · 16/09/2018 17:31

I am sorry things are so tough at present. It is v early days and it takes a long time. My dad died back in january and i am only just waking up to the reality that he is gone and then this week my beloved auntie , who is like a second mum to me has been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour and given a few weeks, just like your dear brother. It is shit it really is .
I cant take it in and feel lost and bewildered again . I veer between anger and disbelief most of the time.
And my drug of choice is food ! I will be like a house end at this rate but cant seem to stop eating !
So just to say i am thinking of you and sending love x