My beautiful brother has just died

[namechangedyetagain]

He was 42. Had a brain tumour diagnosed about 4 weeks ago. I saw him yesterday

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel numb. I can't cry but I love him so much and I don't know what to do

Feeling numb, angry and a sense of unreality are all normal reactions to death. Don't try and make sense of it at this stage and don't worry about how you feel - there's no 'right way' to deal with the situation. It's important just follow how you feel at this stage - you may want to be alone or you might need to have other people around.

The hospital will be able to give some support to your family. The Chaplaincy Team are often very supportive. They are there for all faiths and none and can give you time to talk which the nursing staff don't always have.

The hospital will issue a death certificate which will be required by whoever is registering the death. I would strongly advise that two of you go together for this as it can be a very difficult experience. The hospital should be able to advise where you go to do this - it is by appointment.

It is also hard breaking the news to family and close friends because you are dealing with their grief as well as your own. Make sure you have support.

Arranging the funeral can be traumatic but also cathartic. Some people like to plan in fine detail and it gives them a focus in the days following the death.

I hope this helps. I am very sorry for your loss.

@namechangedyetagain I had weekly counselling for over a year after he died through the teenage cancer trust. They let me talk and talk and talk it out. Every week I probably said the same things and cried over the same things. It took the pressure off talking to my closest family who were too close to the pain to talk to. Then I joined a bereaved parents network (through Mumsnet actually) because talking to the only people who can understand is the main thing that got me through and continues to get me through. Other people try and understand but that is nothing to being able to talk openly and honestly to those who completely understand. I found talking to others I felt I had to protect them from my raw anguish. With other bereaved parents I didn't have to protect them. There will be similar support groups for those who have lost siblings and/or lost those to cancer. There is support through The Brain Tumour charity.

I still rail against the injustice of my son having lost his life hideously to a brain tumour. I'm sure I always will. I lost his childhood, his present and his future. I too often wondered was it all worthwhile.

But I promise you that somehow you learn to live with grief alongside life and all it entails. I live, I love, I laugh. There will always be a but. But my son should be here. There's always guilt for being the one to survive. Guilt if I enjoy life. But my other son needs me to stay here for him. He needs to see that there is a life worth living for. For years I lived just for my other son. But now I live for myself too.

There will always be a sharp juxtaposition of living with such terrible grief.

But you do find a way.

And it is worth it.

I miss my son with every fibre of my being. There is not a day that goes by when I don't think of him or talk to him. But I am learning to live. This will be forever. I will have to continue to learn to live this life as milestones missed come and go. But each one of us surviving grief finds their own way.

Please keep talking, ask me things if I can help I will.

I guess that my SIL and her family will do all the admin type stuff. I don't know. I've not been able to speak to her all day. I know she's finding it incredibly difficult.

I think the suddenness if it all has deeply shocked us. Even our family doctor who today has taken time to either visit or ring every one of us. I feel cheated.

I'm so tired but can't sleep. What if I can't remember him when I wake up

You will remember him.

My son was ill for two and a half years before he died. I couldn't remember how he was before his illness.

I'm away at the moment with family and the younger generation have been telling me stories of when they were all children. After 4 and a half years I can finally start remembering happy times pre illness. It's lovely and heartbreaking at the same time.

I hear his voice, I can sense some things that he would say to me if he were here now. I can remember at last his childhood giggles.

It will never be enough but it will have to be.

Oddly enough in my experience you will be able to remember him best when your grief is less raw and intense. For now just take one step at a time. It may help you to be as helpful as you can to your mum and sil in the admin stuff. Something to focus on.

My heart breaks for you. I lost my darling little sister to brain tumours a few months ago. She was 46. I still cry every day but I also smile when I think of what we used to get up to. We were lucky in that we had 3 years from diagnosis to her death so we all knew we had to make the most of it.

It may be no consolation now, but I truly believe the chemo and radiotherapy was what really brought her down. It affected her mobility, her cognitive ability and also brought on early dementia.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope that some day not too long away you'll think of him with a smile.

So sorry to hear this. I have no words.

Op - I am so so sorry. I lost my younger db 20 months ago in similarly shocking and unexpected circumstances. He was completely well and then out of nowhere had a stroke and was paralysed with locked in syndrome for 2 weeks before he died. He was 39. So I completely relate to the pain and the shock you are going through. I just wanted to say that it does get better. You can't see that now and you have a hard road ahead of you but eventually you will find a way to live with it. I still cry and still rail against the injustice of it all but it is much easier now than in those early days where I could hardly breathe.

One of the hardest things is seeing those around you in so much pain but you will lean on one another and it has brought me closer to my parents and other siblings and sister-in-law, as we have been to hell and back together. Sending you love and strength

Thank you for listening to me witter on. I will look to the brain tumour charity in the following weeks no doubt.

My children are so upset I cannot bear it. I am feeling exhausted now. I'm not sure what I'm fighting against really. I guess I don't want tomorrow to come as then it will probably seem an awful lot worse.

I am so sorry that so many of you have been through this

I can remember that feeling of exhaustion, but I couldn't sleep. It's horrible namechangedyetagain.
I went day's without sleep.

Can't sleep. Can't settle. I can't stop crying. Can't stop missing him. Wanting him. Thinking is he ok now. Thinking he's on his own in hospital.
I can't switch my mind off. The children s hearts are breaking and it's horrendous

Yes it is horrendous. It has to be. Because he was, and is, so well loved. If you hadn't loved him you wouldn't really care. Which would be pretty crap, too. All you can do for now is survive a minute at a time. Then when you've survived this minute, you know you can survive the next minute. Because it's too early for hour by hour. I really hope you've managed to fall asleep. But if you can't, make yourself a nest, stick some crap on the TV, and try to distract yourself. You may even manage the odd nap by accident. Your task is not to get a good night's sleep. Because that's unlikely. Your task is to get through the night. Any way you can.

And as you saw last night, if you need it, there will be someone on here.

I've managed a few hours. But I've just properly woken up and it's hit me. Nothing has changed he's still not here. I feel sick.
How can this be?

OP, Its the start of the day where I am and Im going to keep checking on the thread just so you know someone is here. I honestly dont know what to say to you but I am here and I am thinking of you.

Nothing helpful to say. Just

So sorry OP. Big hugs. I am very close to my siblings and can imagine (a little bit) of how devastated you are feeling.

I guess...firsts are completely crap. And at the moment everything is a first. If this is the first time you have slept, then it is also the first time you have woken. And thus the first time you've had a split second awake when all was normal, before memory hit you. And you have survived it. So you know you can survive the next time.

At the moment, your grief is a massive open wound. Everything is painful as fuck, and raw, and angry, and it take the slightest thing to start it bleeding. Gradually you will scab over. And even more slowly a scar will form. It won't hurt in the same way. It won't be as unbearably sore and angry. But it will be a scar. Which will sometimes hurt more than others. It will ache an itch, and sometimes even split open a little. But it will never be quite as bad as it is right now.

Hmmm, think I've gone a bit late night there, sorry. But hang on in there, A few hours is more than none. Just to give you a little strength to keep plodding onwards. Because your brother would not want this to destroy you.

I think I must have dozed off again. I am so, so tired.
It is painful. I physically hurt. I want him to hug me and tell me it will be ok like he would. Actually he'd probably say now come on there's no need for all that. He was so incredibly brave with the diagnosis. I only saw him cry a couple of times.

I feel cheated out of more time with him. I can't believe we've got to get through another day with him not here.

Sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself. You have as much right to be distressed as your and his mum, as your SIL, and to grieve. You don't have to be brave, of course you feel lost and heartbroken, angry and all that, it is perfectly normal and reasonable.

Are you close enough to meet up with SIL/mum/other family who must also be dreading today, tomorrow, whatever?

Yes. I live in the same town as my brother, mum is about 15 miles away. I spent a few hours with my mum yesterday and also his godmother came round (think mum sent her to check on me!). Am in phone contact every hour or so with SIL, and my step niece (his step daughter). He never had children of his own. SIL had agressive breast cancer which they beat. This one they couldn't.
But yes we are all very close and just trying to keep each other looked after I guess.

That's good.

I'm so sorry. Keep talking on here if it helps.

Firstly OP, I am so very sorry for your troubles. My big brother died from a brain tumour 30 years ago, he was 39. Diagnosed on Tuesday and died on Thursday. Too swift and too painful.

I still miss him, I hear music and think I must tell Chris, or I will spot the perfect Xmas present for him. At my sister's funeral earlier this month I met a man who had gone to school with him, that was fantastic, he reminded me of Chris's mates and some of the less savoury things they did in their teens, that was lovely.

I can only give you one piece of advice, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, don't let anyone tell you what to do, do whatever you need to get through and give the same consideration to others.

Remember he will always be in your head and no one can take your memories of him from you. My sincere condolences to you, your family and his friends.

Thank you OldBean. I just can't get my head around things. I'm so sorry that it had touched you as well. It seems so cruel that is so fast.

I feel so sick and flat. And tired. I'm not sure how I get through today and the next few days. I seem to be drinking an awful lot of tea. Just can't seem to focus on much and is only 7am

Take it a day at a time. There are lots of things that need doing and that your DB's partner will need help with. The hardest thing to realise is that this is not just your loss and people will say and do things that do not make sense.

My sister's husband will not speak to me and I had zero input into her funeral, I still do not know why but he is coping in his own way.

All I can say is keep talking about him, gather up the stories and use them as a eulogy so people know who he really was... that can be part of your tribute to him.