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Bereavement

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Original poster

My beautiful brother has just died

251 replies

namechangedyetagain · 23/08/2018 03:28

He was 42. Had a brain tumour diagnosed about 4 weeks ago. I saw him yesterday

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel numb. I can't cry but I love him so much and I don't know what to do

OP posts:
nannybeach · 23/08/2018 07:59

I am so so sorry, there is nothing you SHOULD do, its way too early, you are raw, keep talking on here if it helps, you will get but sympthapy. I dont know who said it, someone famous, The is no pain without love. Its horrible but true, if you love someone and you lose them. No-one has dared say it, but he could have had weeks,months, of horrible pain. I expect everyone has lost someone they love, I cried for 20 years after my lovelly best friend DM died young and because of her Drs failings, people thought I was mad. I will never accept it, I still get sad/upse/angry. Its not fair when you have robbers,murders,paedos, bad people living for years. Do what you need to get through, and wish you luck and love

HereBeFuckery · 23/08/2018 08:01

I'm so sorry to hear your horrible news. What was your brother like? Would it help to talk about him? I'm here if you want to talk about him.
Sending you love.

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 23/08/2018 08:04

I will be back later. I think I need to phone the doctor. I feel very tired

OP posts:
Chuggachuggatoottoot · 23/08/2018 08:07

Oh love I am so sorry. Stay strong as a family bless you

backaftera2yearbreak · 23/08/2018 08:15

Be sad, be angry, shout, cry, sit quietly. Whatever you need to do. There’s no right or wrong thing to do right now. Seek support from those around you. Take care of yourself. I’m very sorry for your loss.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 23/08/2018 08:16

I am so sorry for your loss. Flowers

nellyolsenscurl · 23/08/2018 08:17

So sorry OP.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 23/08/2018 08:21

I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my brother years ago when I was much younger. My advice is be kind to yourself.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve - your feelings are personal. So don't worry if you don't cry, or you feel numb, or angry. All of this is completely normal. It will also come in waves - you'll go from feeling completely flattened by it, to feeling shit but OK and able to get on with stuff. Again, this is completely normal.

I know it's a cliche and it doesn't seem like it now, but it will get easier with time. It won't be like this forever.

Try and eat. I know you don't feel like it but even just tea and toast will help - lack of food will make you feel worse. See your GP - they may be able to help with some sleeping tablets so that you get some rest at night, because lack of sleep also makes things worse.

Finally, Cruse is excellent for support and help with what to do next. Their website is here: www.cruse.org.uk/

Waitedtoolong · 23/08/2018 08:25

I’m so sorry for your loss OP Flowers

NatashaRomanov · 23/08/2018 08:28

I am so very sorry. Flowers

UrsulaPandress · 23/08/2018 08:30

I'm so sorry for your loss.

The pain will get easier, that's how humans cope.

And in time you will hopefully become thankful for the relationship you had with him. How lucky you have been to have had such a close and loving relationship with your brother.

minmooch · 23/08/2018 08:36

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I lost my son to a brain tumour aged 18 4 and a half years ago. Time is the only thing. Over time you will rant and rage, cry and grieve, repeat repeat repeat. And then you will intersperse in that cycle memories, love and laughter. The pain never goes, but the shock diminishes. You will survive this as you have loved ones who need you and you have no choice.

But for a long time all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and breathe in and out. Noting makes sense and the unfairness of it is often still suffocating.

Go very gently on yourself.

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 23/08/2018 08:37

The Dr wasn't that helpful when I phoned yesterday as I was already feeling fragile so not holding out hope. I just need to get throgh today. I feel very agitated

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 23/08/2018 08:37

Oh darling. I am so very sorry. May he rest in peace Flowers

formerbabe · 23/08/2018 08:39

So sorry Flowers

formerbabe · 23/08/2018 08:40

I know it's really hard but try to eat a little, have cups of tea and rest if you possibly can...it's a horrible time Flowers

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 23/08/2018 08:42

@Minmooch can I ask is there anywhere you went for support? I can't even begin to imagine this from a mums perspective and I worry for my mum. The unfairness is terrible. Any cancer or loss of life is I suppose but when you're old you can at least day that they had a good innings etc m but to be taken so young it's so fucking unjust and unfair.
We were all going to the family service at the church they were married and my dc were christened in. He was godfather to all three.

I'm struggling to accept any faith in God if he can do this to us. It's wicked.

OP posts:
Rachie1986 · 23/08/2018 08:48

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Take the advice on here - one step at a time, one thing at a time. Thinking of you and your family x

MayMiracle · 23/08/2018 08:48

Gosh, reading this has moved me to tears, so I cannot imagine what you must all be going through.

What is clear is that you loved your brother very much.

I wish I could say something to offer you some comfort.

But, it is horribly sad, dreadfully unfair, and he was way too young.

I'm just so sorry xx

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 23/08/2018 09:13

I've just howled tears in front of my children. They shouldn't have to be going through this they shouldn't have to see their mum like this.

OP posts:
Whereismumhiding2 · 23/08/2018 09:13

Pace around the garden in large circles or go for a walk if you're feeling agitated. It might help? Just Keep walking... Tire yourself out but that's not your aim. It feels great to watch your feet and legs keep moving Infront of each other. Mindless but moving and doing. Helps with the shock and not knowing what to do.

(That's what I did until I wanted to stop. That and make cups of tea.
Or sit and stare).

It's too early days to talk about it getting easier. It does over time, but you won't care about that nor want that now.

Please let yourself do what you need to, to get through each few hours.

You'll know in your bones when/ if you're up to being with DM or SIL today or tomorrow.

Talking with, loving, your DBro (& even arguing with him) has been part of the fabric of your life since earliest childhood. Before DH, before DC, so it's no wonder the world feels wrong, awry without him. Please Be kind to yourself Flowers

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 23/08/2018 09:14
Flowers
Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 23/08/2018 09:21

That's exactly it. My whole childhood gone. Actually we never ever argued. He joked that I was his bossy big sister and he never dared disagree with me! . Until last night when I left him and told him to behave and I'll see him this morningSad
How can it be so quick? We still had things to do, he was aiming to be back at work by Xmas. He was incredibly brave and positive. Just had a beautiful soul. I literally don't want to carry on without him.

OP posts:
OliviaStabler · 23/08/2018 09:42

I am so sorry to hear about your brother Flowers

After my Mum died I was numb and had no idea how to act. I knew she was dying but it was still a huge shock to the system when it actually happened. I walked round in a daze. There is no right or wrong way to act.

I would recommend counselling. Mum had spent some time in a hospice and they offered me free counselling. It was a relief to be able to tell her things I simply couldn't tell family or friends about how I truly felt.

Original poster
namechangedyetagain · 23/08/2018 09:45

Weve not really had any time for any of that. It has been so sudden like I day the biopsy was only as the kids broke up from school.

It's just wrong. I want him back. I won't manage without him. I can't. I feel empty

OP posts:
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