Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Anyone up? Dad not expected to last the night.

253 replies

MyGuideJools · 05/09/2017 00:35

Me and mum been in hospital since 10am. Dad has pneumonia and lung cancer and isn't expected to last the nightSad
I've been expecting this but now I'm so scared. I know I shouldn't be on MN but I'm sat holding his hand. His breathing is so laboured now. All monitoring and obs stopped, just meds to calm him
He is still in a ward with 3 other men who are all sleeping. There are no side rooms apparently Confused
He's been in pain for so long, he's not been my strong old dad for weeks. This is killing me.....

OP posts:
Cosmic123 · 05/09/2017 06:46

Sending love to you x

Runningyogabooze · 05/09/2017 06:52

Good luck. I felt relief at the end. The suffering for them is over.

Flowers
Notreallyarsed · 05/09/2017 06:53

I'm very sorry OP, its such a difficult and dreadfully sad thing to go through. My mum's last days seem to blur into each other.
To answer your question, yes this stage can go on for hours or even a couple of days. I hope you and your mum and brother are finding comfort in each other, and that your dad is comfortable. Flowers

Notreallyarsed · 05/09/2017 06:54

I've just read that back and it sounds really blunt, I'm sorry it wasn't meant to. Flowers

MinkyWinky · 05/09/2017 06:57

Sending you and your family big hugs. It's so hard, you want him to be at peace but you don't want him to go. Sad

FaithAgain · 05/09/2017 07:11

Just wanted to give you these Flowers Brew The hours seem long when you're sitting with someone in this kind of situation. Your Dad sounds wonderful and I totally sympathise with being ready for someone to go so they aren't in pain any more. If he's still with you, don't be surprised if he waits until you've gone to slip away. Honestly, I did elderly nursing for years and so many times family would decide to go home for a bit and I'd be ringing as they got through the door at home. It was like they didn't want a fuss so waited til family left. to you.

PositiveAttitude · 05/09/2017 07:13

Flowers It's hard. My mum died 10 days ago. I was with her when she died in the night. Do what feels right. Hug your mum and brother and cry together. You will feel numb and as if life is going on around you without you being part of it,IYSWIM. Big hugs to you. Your dad's love will live on in your life and the life of everyone he loved and who loved him.

Notreallyarsed · 05/09/2017 07:20

PositiveAttitude Flowers I'm sorry about your mum, my mum died in June and it still doesn't feel real.

Blackandpurple · 05/09/2017 07:27

Sorry you're going through this. So difficult. Your dad will choose his moment.

A nurse stayed with my mum all night (palliative care at home) and dad went for a sleep. Dad woje, brother went to mum whilst dad made a cuppa. Brother went to get cuppa. Spoke to dad for a couple of minutes and mum had gone. All night someone was with her and once she was alone she decided.

I believe they chooseFlowers

Garliccalamari · 05/09/2017 07:57

Jools, you must be exhausted by now. Big handholding from me. We're thinking of you and your family today. Flowers

FineOldCriminals · 05/09/2017 08:03

Sending Brew and Flowers, OP

Pinkkahori · 05/09/2017 08:08

Thinking of you today Jools. Flowers

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 05/09/2017 08:11

Thank you everyone. I'm crying again. He's still hanging on! He's very peaceful now, not agitated any more but still laboured breathing. We've been for breakfast in shifts and I've told him he can let go when he's readySad
Hugs to all those who've been through this before. I'm used to working night shifts but this has been the night shift from hell Flowers

OP posts:
HumpHumpWhale · 05/09/2017 08:12

Just read this now and wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your dad. Xx

MotherofPearl · 05/09/2017 08:17

I read your OP at 3am when I was up settling DD2, and have been thinking of you. Sending you Flowers and strength. You sound like a wonderful daughter to your DF.

Aebj · 05/09/2017 08:19

Sending love and strength your way.

MichaelFabricantsHair · 05/09/2017 08:21

So very sorry you're going through this, your love for your dad shines through your posts, sending love and hugs to you and your family BrewFlowers x

SandysMam · 05/09/2017 08:26

Just wanted to say not to feel guilty if he slips away while you are out of the room. Very often people wait to let go to save their loved ones the pain of being there. He is so loved and will know it. You sound like a wonderful daughter. Thinking of you Flowers

peeekabobaby · 05/09/2017 09:21

I was in the same boat as you a few months ago, all sat around our Nan's bed the home brought in tea and biscuits it didn't feel right. Wasn't even there an hour (was the middle of the an hour) I wasn't expecting what I saw it is almost surreal once they have gone. I'm so sorry

peeekabobaby · 05/09/2017 09:21

The night I meant not an hour

PenguindreamsofDraco · 05/09/2017 09:23

Went through this with my mother last week, it's hell, sorry.

Just as a head's up, my mother's breathing was very loud and regular and we were expecting it to start to slow down and become more irregular. In fact it just stopped - like flicking a light switch. I wasn't expecting that at all!

We held her hand in the last couple of hours, played her songs on YouTube, chatted. Afterwards I thought, oh I should have thought of hand cream, or candles, or dimming the lights - but you just have to do what you do and trust that they go out knowing they are surrounded by love.

A peaceful exit for him.

hippadoppaloppagorillapig · 05/09/2017 09:33

No experience but sending unmumsnetty hugs.

Pennina · 05/09/2017 09:54

I have been exactly where you are and want to send you huge hugs. It was the most painful experience of my life and I remember sitting there just really not believing that I would never hear my father's beautiful voice again and how much I would miss him. That was three years ago and thinking of it is making me cry now. My father also had cancer and I found that the very end was as you are describing it but went on for a couple of days. He won't be in any pain and if you sense any agitation in him just tell nurses and they will top him up with something. He basically died in his sleep, I popped out to take a phone call - I didn't want to talk loudly about his condition. It was my father's cousin and I told him that she was on the phone and that I was going to get a coffee and chat to her for a few minutes. He died while he was alone and I think that is very common. Much love to you. As a PP has said you can only take things in 30 seconds to 1 minute bites at the moment. I wish you strength. Xx

sanasa · 05/09/2017 09:58

FlowersFlowersFlowers

BonApp · 05/09/2017 10:17

Minute by minute jools Flowers