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Original poster

Anyone up? Dad not expected to last the night.

253 replies

MyGuideJools · 05/09/2017 00:35

Me and mum been in hospital since 10am. Dad has pneumonia and lung cancer and isn't expected to last the nightSad
I've been expecting this but now I'm so scared. I know I shouldn't be on MN but I'm sat holding his hand. His breathing is so laboured now. All monitoring and obs stopped, just meds to calm him
He is still in a ward with 3 other men who are all sleeping. There are no side rooms apparently Confused
He's been in pain for so long, he's not been my strong old dad for weeks. This is killing me.....

OP posts:
HappenedForAReisling · 05/09/2017 01:08

Another hand-hold here for you OP. I'll be here for about 5 more hours Flowers

Demander · 05/09/2017 01:09

Difficult times my friend.
Your dad will soon no longer be in discomfort. There is no alternative for him so please accept this as the best and only outcome.
Just be there for him and your mum. Be loving, be kind and be gentle with yourself.
Your dad knows you are there, he hears you, feels you and smells you. You're helping him out of this world like he helped you in.
If you didn't love each other it wouldn't be so painful.
I wish you peace with this my dear. :)

HemanOrSheRa · 05/09/2017 01:11

He will seem to be agitated. Don't panic. That's fine and normal. As is you needing wees. Don't worry. You are doing just fine. You don't need to do anything more than you are doing right now Flowers.

abbey44 · 05/09/2017 01:11

So sorry you're going through this - sending you and your DM hugs Flowers

Keep talking to him, or to each other - hearing is the last sense to go.

BicycleMadeForTwo · 05/09/2017 01:13

I'm so sorry. I have no words to help but thinking of you 💐

AcrossthePond55 · 05/09/2017 01:15

I've been there with my dad. It's devastatingly sad, yet somehow there was a feeling of gladness that I was given the privilege to be there for him, as he was always there for me.

Just hold his hand and talk to him. The hospice nurses told us that the sense of hearing is the last to go. Whisper your love, remind him of the past with stories of times that are special to both of you. But also, if you haven't, tell him that he can 'go' whenever he is ready. Tell him that you will look after Mum, that he needn't worry. Sometimes they need to hear that.

Saying a prayer for you, your mum, and the rest of your family.

chocolate12 · 05/09/2017 01:16

Sending love to you and all your family Flowers

lonelyplanetmum · 05/09/2017 01:18

Hello,

I am so sorry.... it is the hardest time of your life.
I remember the following:
-the laboured breathing stage can take longer than you think sometimes

  • playing their favourite music to your parent quietly on your phone is a change from you trying monologue talking which can be difficult
-the smell of lavender spray does seem to help with sleeping -I was not especially religious but I did find saying a prayer in my head helped

Also some people say that often the person slips away when you leave the room, almost as if they are trying to spare you.This happened with both my parents.
The bereavement section of Mumsnet is also really supportive. Also afterwards the best advice I had was to focus on the next generation as their life is to come, grandchildren etc, and take care of you too.

Love and thoughts .xxx

nocoolnamesleft · 05/09/2017 01:18

He watched over you as a baby. Now you watch over him, as he leaves this world. Both are an act of great love. He will know that you are there. Speak softly to him. Hold his hand. Take a break when you need to.

And just one thing...it may help for him to hear that though you love him, and don't want to lose him, it's okay to let go.

Thinking of you this night.

innagazing · 05/09/2017 01:25

I'm so sorry.
I've been through this with my mum. I didn't know whether my mum was aware of me talking to her, until someone suggested that she squeezed my hand, or blinked, which she did. I hope it may be something that's helpful to you.

Seeingadistance · 05/09/2017 01:28

Hugs and love and prayers for you.

73kittycat73 · 05/09/2017 01:29

I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. I wish you strength. Big hugs to you and your mum. Flowers

Orangebird69 · 05/09/2017 01:40

Flowers and hugs.

Beelzebop · 05/09/2017 01:41

OP, I am so sorry. Xxxxxxxxx I found it helped me to just sit quietly with my Mum, chance to just be together a little xx.

primitivemom · 05/09/2017 01:44

Thinking of you op, such a hard time x Flowers

ohfourfoxache · 05/09/2017 01:45

I'm so sorry you're all going through this Thanks

Take every minute, every second at a time. It's no wonder you're numb xx

LuubyLuu · 05/09/2017 01:58

So sorry that you're going through this. Whatever time of day or night there will always be someone to talk to.
XX

PinkFluffyFairy · 05/09/2017 02:02

X.

Boulshired · 05/09/2017 02:11

After watching my DM go through so much pain I thought I would feel relief when the nurses told us not much longer, but I just felt panic. I believed we were all ready mentally for the end but we weren't. He knows you love him, he will have said all his goodbyes and he knows you have each other. His own legacy.

AmyJessicax26 · 05/09/2017 02:30

Big hugs and love to your family :( honestly can't imagine how you are feeling as long as he knows you love him ❤️Just tell him that and try be as strong as you can for him 💙

GoldfishCrackers · 05/09/2017 02:49

So sorry to hear this.
This has been hard for all of you. Not just the intensity since yesterday morning but in the past weeks and months. Don't feel bad for being on mn or going to the loo - you can't keep up that level of intensity for very long.

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 05/09/2017 02:49

Thank you allFlowers he's still hanging on. My bro has just arrived, he lives 4 hours away. I said knowing how stubborn dad is he will be like this for daysHmm

OP posts:
mynameisspam · 05/09/2017 02:56

Thinking of you❤️ xxxFlowers

FeedMyFaceWithBattenberg · 05/09/2017 02:56

Hello my lovely,

This bit of the EOL process might go on for a little while, or it may be short, it depends on the person. Make sure you and your mum are looking after each other, and taking short but regular breaks if you need, ask one of the nursing staff to sit with your dad if needs be, that is their job.
Because of the pneumonia, your dad might get some secretions which might sound horrible to you, but at this stage he shouldn't be aware of them.
He might get a temperature, paracetamol suppositories now that be given just to keep him comfy, or maybe just fan therapy.
Anything else you want to know just ask x

HappenedForAReisling · 05/09/2017 02:56

I'm glad your brother made it in time to say his goodbyes.