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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Anyone up? Dad not expected to last the night.

253 replies

MyGuideJools · 05/09/2017 00:35

Me and mum been in hospital since 10am. Dad has pneumonia and lung cancer and isn't expected to last the night
I've been expecting this but now I'm so scared. I know I shouldn't be on MN but I'm sat holding his hand. His breathing is so laboured now. All monitoring and obs stopped, just meds to calm him
He is still in a ward with 3 other men who are all sleeping. There are no side rooms apparently
He's been in pain for so long, he's not been my strong old dad for weeks. This is killing me.....

OP posts:

justilou · 05/09/2017 03:20

Oh honey, I have been through this with both my parents. Sometimes they like to wait until you're not in the room. Let yourself go to the loo. He will be at peace and you will see that on his face shortly.

AhYaBastart · 05/09/2017 03:25

So sorry Op. I hope he goes peacefully. Was in this exact same situation with my papa, he held on until my aunt came up from England then peacefully slipped away. He has his family with him and knows that they love him, that’s all that matters. My best wishes for you and your family.

DrummerWoman · 05/09/2017 03:26

Thinking of you. I haven't been in this situation with a parent but reading the wonderful thoughtful advice on this thread is very moving. I hope things resolve gently for you and your Dad. X

Goodgriefisitginfizzoclock · 05/09/2017 03:39

Sending a hug. It may be worth telling him it's ok to go? I've seen this before sometimes they 'hold on' tell him you will be ok and he can let go now.

Garliccalamari · 05/09/2017 03:52

So sorry OP. These are the difficult days/ nights in your life but later on you will be thankful that you could be here with him tonight.

Often a dying person can hear you. Often they hear you for longer than you realise and even if they feel too sick to make sense of it, they recognise you and understand the tone in your voice. You can read something to him if you like.

Just go for a wee if you need to and tell him that you are going to and when you will be back. He can make a choice if he wants to leave when your gone or wait for you to come back. Some people want to let go when they are alone for a minute, some people want their family to be there.

Just take it one hour at a time. You will get through this. It's hard but you will be thankful for this time later.

If you would like to tell us about him, we are here to listen to you. The internet never sleeps. Of course we are all strangers but we all go through a lot of the same things. Good luck OP, I wish you strength in the coming days.

Original poster

MyGuideJools · 05/09/2017 04:02

It's all so surreal. We are all sat round dad eating biscuits and drinking tea. His breathing hasn't changed since we got here, although it's very laboured. is it possible he could go for hours like this? He still has oxygen going but is sleeping

OP posts:

fatowl · 05/09/2017 04:22

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP.
We lost my dad in March and his very laboured breathing lasted about 8 hours. Me and Mum and his very good friend had sat with him through the night, and when the nurse came the following morning to change his medication pump.
I went up to see him after the nurse had gone and his breathing seemed easier (but he was definitely still with us)
We had a coffee and I cleaned the fridge (it funny the things you have urges to do)
The GP arrived about half an hour later (planned visit) and we went up and he'd gone.
I'm absolutely convinced he waited til we were out of the room.
He'd not been my dad for a few weeks, but he had gone downhill very rapidly. it was awful at the time, but in retrospect, he went quite quickly and I'm glad of that.

Very best wishes to your family OP, it's grim.

Outdoorsy5644 · 05/09/2017 04:26

Thinking of you
Tea and biscuits are an excellent idea. This experience is deeply personal, there are no rules, just family together.

Original poster

MyGuideJools · 05/09/2017 04:31

I always thought he would die from cardiac arrest like his parents and grandparents buy modern medicine put paid to that when he had open heart surgery a couple of years ago. The man has had so many serious illnesses it's untrue, then he dies of pneumonia!
He's not been my dad for a few weeks now, he's suffered enough. I am gonna miss him so much and I can't face walking in the house and him not being sat in his chair
Mum is so tired but won't leave his side until the end

OP posts:

fatowl · 05/09/2017 04:34

My mum was exhausted by his last ten days, look after her..

I know what you mean about his chair being empty, it's heartbreaking.

Six months on I still catch myslef thinking "Must tell dad that"or "Dad would like that"

I do still have chats with him in my head.

AcademicOwl · 05/09/2017 04:38

Sending you & your family wishes for calm and peace, Jools.
Dying is a funny thing. Sometimes people last a lot longer than you might expect. But at this stage I hope your dad has a quick and peaceful passing.

mylaptopismylapdog · 05/09/2017 04:39

Sorry this is so sad for you all but I have to say that for myself for my last moments to be that my loved ones would be with me,holding my hand, drinking tea and eating biscuits, (a normal homely thing to do) is a perfect end.

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 05/09/2017 04:43

I'm here sending love to you all.

Garliccalamari · 05/09/2017 04:44

I have no idea. Sometimes strong irregular breathing (can't remember the name of the syndrome) can be a starting sign of things but it doesn't have to be. My grandad just lay there for three days fighting and then all of a sudden his breathing pattern really changed and then he went. My mum kept deteriorating the whole time till her body gave out (tbh she was trying to leave early because she was fed up with being sick so she really let go) and my ex MIL had euthanasia so that was peaceful, quick and easy. Every death is different I guess and he will have to go when he is ready. He is sleeping now so that is a nice bit of time to rest for him.

If you need a rest yourself or a break you can ask one of the other family members to stay with him. Just let him know when you leave and kiss goodbye just in case. You don't have to stay with him the whole time if he is well cared for. You were there for him while he was alive.
You don't necessarily have to be there for the very end unless you feel you need to. It is a short moment of transition at the end. This night is just part of it. It is fine to take care of yourself as well. That way you can be more of help with the arrangements afterwards that need to be done as well.

For me the whole week of my mum dying and arranging the funeral and informing people was full of significant moments. All of them important and tied together somehow. We took turns resting and doing things for mum. It worked well for us. My brother missed the actual death but he was rested enough the next morning to deal with the vicar and call lots of people. I had a sleep at the time. We were thankful that we both could do our part in a different way.

It is nice that your family is together now. I'm sure he will appreciate you all being there for him and each other.

2017SoFarSoGood · 05/09/2017 04:45

It is quite terrifying at the end even when we think we are ready. Still, what a gift to be with a loved one at the end. Such an honor.

I hope he just slips away now. 💐💐💐

Flashinggreen · 05/09/2017 04:49

Sending thoughts to you and your family x

Sandycarrots · 05/09/2017 04:54

Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your family Jools.

ThomasRichard · 05/09/2017 05:01

I'm sorry OP. The night watch is especially difficult. I'm glad your brother is there.

sandgrown · 05/09/2017 05:14

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP. Glad your brother made it. When my mum was dying I was so worried I would not get there. The journey was horrific. My brother and I had not seen a lot of each other as he worked abroad but the night we sat with mum brought us so close together as we talked of childhood memories only we knew. Look after yourself and your dear mum will need your support too. Thinking of you all

ThaliaLuxurySpa · 05/09/2017 05:20

I too have been there with my darling Dad, OP...I well remember the final stage of our family all sitting with him through the long night hours.

Confusing time of so many conflicting thoughts: desperately sad we were finally to lose him; desperately relieved, though, that he'd soon be pain-free and at peace; very bonding with everybody's memories, be they happy/ poignant/ plain daft and funny (of which there were many!).
I'm sure you're all currently riding that same emotional rollercoaster?

It is, as you've said, utterly surreal.

During the quieter, private time alone with him, I often just held his hand and replayed in my mind special times the two of us had shared together...no words spoken or needed.
Just really tuned in to tranquil, calming and reassuring thoughts, in the hope that he'd be receptive on some level.

Remembering those throughout the grieving process very much helped me. I really hope it will do similar for you.

To have those we most care about present with us as we pass on is probably what we all ultimately wish for: it is very clear from your posts how much your lovely Dad meant, and will always mean, to you...I imagine knowing you feel that way has been incredibly comforting to him.

Sending strength and best wishes to all your family at this difficult time.

MyOtherProfile · 05/09/2017 05:22

Thinking of you OP. This last bit is so hard.

Mum2OneTeen · 05/09/2017 06:03

Hi Jools, how are you and your family holding up? It's been a long night for you all hasn't it, but in the coming days you will be so glad that you were able to be there for the final transition. And so good that your brother made it in time. Sending kind thoughts to you all

My dad passed away at the beginning of the year, in similar circumstances. Unfortunately I live away and could not be there in time for his final hours. Thankfully my mum held bedside vigil so he was not alone. It is a new stage when our parents are no longer with us, we seem to take it for granted that they will always be around. Take care and be gentle with yourselves.

usernameavailable · 05/09/2017 06:10

Sending you lots of love through this difficult time.

HarryBlackberry · 05/09/2017 06:14

Sending you love xx

LindyHemming · 05/09/2017 06:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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