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Original poster

Anyone up? Dad not expected to last the night.

253 replies

MyGuideJools · 05/09/2017 00:35

Me and mum been in hospital since 10am. Dad has pneumonia and lung cancer and isn't expected to last the nightSad
I've been expecting this but now I'm so scared. I know I shouldn't be on MN but I'm sat holding his hand. His breathing is so laboured now. All monitoring and obs stopped, just meds to calm him
He is still in a ward with 3 other men who are all sleeping. There are no side rooms apparently Confused
He's been in pain for so long, he's not been my strong old dad for weeks. This is killing me.....

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Original poster
MyGuideJools · 21/09/2017 22:52

Thanks alpha I'm not on Facebook so I won't have to suffer that at least!!
Xmas is a biggie tho,
Dad loved Xmas and was always at the centre of it. This year will be very tough....
Did people do anything different at Xmas after losing a loved one? Or keep to the same celebration as before?🤔
I will Google 7 stages of grief ⚘

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littlecabbage · 21/09/2017 23:53

Christmas for us last year was so weird because Dad died 18th Dec. So my Mum, sister and brother (both siblings have no kids) just ignored Christmas. I have 3 young kids so went through the motions, and did enjoy watching their pleasure to some extent, but it was very hard. I was still in shock really.

We had renovated and extended our kitchen last year and had invited all the family to us for Christmas, which obviously we cancelled early Dec when it became clear how ill Dad was. It is such a shame as we had never hosted our parents before (didn't have the space) and I wish we had got that one last Christmas together.

This year we will invite Mum and my sister to ours (my brother lives in Australia) but I don't yet know how we will plan things. I've read that it can be good to do something totally different rather than stick to old family Christmas routines, but would be grateful to hear advice from the rest of you.

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 22/09/2017 05:21

littlecabbage Flowers
That must have been hard. I've read that people suggest doing something completely different but I just don't know.
Mum and dad always went to midnight mass and came to ours Xmas morning. The thought of my mum waking up alone on Xmas day breaks my heart.
Me and dad always went Xmas shopping together to get mums pressies. It's killing me thinking about our little 'traditions'
God I miss himSad

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tiredteddy · 22/09/2017 20:24

Also worried about Xmas. It was mums birthday on Xmas eve so a double first for us to get through. We were due to be at mum and dads this year, so I'm waiting a little while to talk to dad about what he wants to do. No rush to pin it down. My sister wants to decide everything now, she is a planner. I get that but feelings could even change between now and then about what everyone wants to do.

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 22/09/2017 21:49

teddy Flowers I understand. You may not know what feels 'best' until a week before Xmas! I think you will have to play it by what your dad wants and feels. It's a tough one.
I am hating seeing all the Xmas stuff in the shops already. It's too soon to be reminded of this so soon!!

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Original poster
MyGuideJools · 28/09/2017 07:37

@Hotpinkangel19 hi I've been thinking about you. How are things? ⚘

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Original poster
MyGuideJools · 25/10/2017 04:26

Hi all. I got this thread moved from chat so that it doesn't dissappear. So many of you said some lovely things that night dad died. I want to be able to look back on them.
In fact I have looked back through them and cried my eyes out!
I'm still missing dad so much but not crying every day.
Sleep is sometimes a problem as I tend to re live things and panic when I realise yet again that dad's gone.
I had another week off after the funeral and then had our holiday
Work was tough as I work in the hospital where dad died and I'm still pretty exhausted.
Mum is being brave but I know she's obviously suffering.I feel I need to visit her daily as I promised dad I would look after her.
Thanks again for everyone's kind words Flowers

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BonApp · 25/10/2017 06:35

jools Flowers I guess it's a very long road ahead. Still very early on. But so so hard to know it will take a while to get any easier. Lots of love.

echt · 25/10/2017 11:53

Thanks jools.

littlecabbage · 25/10/2017 13:19

Well done Jools, it sounds like you're coping very well under the circumstances. Just take it day by day. And don't feel like you're doing something wrong if you have a day or two of real crashing lows. It will pass.

It's great that you're looking after your Mum but be careful you don't become too exhausted yourself. Now, after ten months, I no longer ring/see my Mum daily, more like every other day now, as she is coping so much better, and I was struggling with no free time myself (have 3 young kids).

Thanks for saving this thread. I would like to stay on it too xx

Frazzle76 · 25/10/2017 13:46

Thanks for saving the thread. I picked it up at the beginning and then lost it again. It's good to catch up and see how you and others are doing. Sending lots of hugs all round.
Just like all of you I'm dreading Christmas. The car is still my place to cry!
Xx

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 25/10/2017 14:52

We have decided today that we are going to plant a rose in a nice pot for the garden and incorporate dads ashes into it.
There are some lovely roses with names like 'spirit in the sky' or 'remember me'
We may get a plaque engraved to put on the pot. Then dad can always be with mum.

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littlecabbage · 25/10/2017 16:41

That sounds like a really lovely idea xx

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 25/10/2017 17:47

Thanks. I'm also toying with something from 'ashes into glass' which makes a pendant, ring or paperweight and incorporates a spoonful of loved ones ashes. The end product looks beautiful and I think it will be nice to keep. My Bro thinks it's macabre 🤔 I don't want to upset anyone so will give it some thought.

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Timeforachange68 · 26/10/2017 22:44

Jools had a similar dilemma in that I picked up a leaflet for the ashes into glass in the funeral directors & I thought it was a nice idea - however, my dad & sister didn't like the idea & at the moment my dad still has my mom's ashes so I don't feel like I can ask for even a small amount

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 26/10/2017 22:49

Ashes into Glass are fantastic. I have a ring. I lost both parents quite young, and all the 'firsts' are horrible...just awful. My thoughts go out to all of you and unmumsnetty hugs xx

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 26/10/2017 23:08

Thanks username ⚘

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Original poster
MyGuideJools · 07/12/2017 07:45

Hi everyone. Just thought I'd update. (This is also for my benefit as I feel better when able to write things down!)
It's now 3 months since I lost my wonderful dad to cancer. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to cope with.
He was my hero, he took each bit of bad news with such courage and good humour.
You guys were amazing on the night he died, saying such nice things and keeping me company when it all seemed so surreal.
I'm still having moments when the grief takes over and I have to have a little cry. But mostly I'm coping. Mum seems to be ok although she could be putting on a brave face for me.
Dad's ashes are in a pot in his beloved garden, with a rose that will hopefully do him proud.
I have decided to get something made from 'ashes into glass not sure what yet.
Xmas will be tough but dad wouldn't want us to be miserable because of him so we will do our best.
Flowers

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whatisforteamum · 07/12/2017 12:32

Hi Myguide that is so good you are coping.We are too however these coming weeks will be hard as work is so busy and Mum is such a christmassy person but wants to spend it alone.The worst bit has been being so busy I can barely see her.Everyone else has disappeared which is odd as db was very close to dad and doesn't seem to visit Mum!! Anyway I wish everyone well who is missing their loved ones especially at this time of year.I have to work so perhaps this will be therapeutic and as I cut across the churchyard I will spare a thought for my lovely Dad.

MollyHuaCha · 08/12/2017 08:12

I hope you have lots of lovely memories of him.

Hotpinkangel19 · 08/12/2017 09:29

@MyGuideJools The rose with the ashes sounds like a lovely idea, glad you are doing okay ❤️

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 08/12/2017 14:45

Thank you Flowers

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Original poster
MyGuideJools · 10/03/2018 21:47

Hello everyone
I've just come across this thread again and read it from the start. I've been in floods of tears reliving dads last hours.
I don't know why I tortured myself and read it but the lovely words and encouragement
you all have me was wonderful.
It's been 6 months nowSad
Well Xmas was as I expected. It was awful without dad, mum cried, i cried. It was tough!
mums now doing really well, she makes sure she keeps in touch with friends. She has a lovely photo of dad next to his chair.
She can't bring herself to sort dads clothes yet, they are still in the wardrobe. Ive told her they can stay there forever if she wants!
I still have moments where I have a good cry. I just miss him so much. when I close my eyes I can still hear his voice, and it makes my heartbreak thinking of mum being alone at night.
But I just wanted to update and thank you all for the support I got here that night.
Thankyou⚘⚘

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2018SoFarSoGreat · 11/03/2018 02:07

Jools good to hear your update. It will get easier but never easy. It's been almost three years since I lost my dad and I still find myself in tears, often unexpectedly. We shall always miss them. Let's cherish the memories 💞

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 11/03/2018 14:33

thanks 2018 I certainly have lots of lovely memories ♥️

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