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Original poster

Anyone up? Dad not expected to last the night.

253 replies

MyGuideJools · 05/09/2017 00:35

Me and mum been in hospital since 10am. Dad has pneumonia and lung cancer and isn't expected to last the nightSad
I've been expecting this but now I'm so scared. I know I shouldn't be on MN but I'm sat holding his hand. His breathing is so laboured now. All monitoring and obs stopped, just meds to calm him
He is still in a ward with 3 other men who are all sleeping. There are no side rooms apparently Confused
He's been in pain for so long, he's not been my strong old dad for weeks. This is killing me.....

OP posts:
DamsonGin · 05/09/2017 17:10
Flowers
MollyHuaCha · 05/09/2017 17:32

Thinking of you. Brew

Lovemysofa · 05/09/2017 21:43

I'maths so very sorry for your loss. I lost my mum in December after a long illness. The next few months will be tough but hopefully you will be able to take some comfort from the fact he was surrounded by loved ones at the end. Take care Flowers

Leeds2 · 05/09/2017 22:03

So sorry for your loss. x

CoolCarrie · 05/09/2017 22:08

So sorry for your loss, Jools. My dad died in January this year, and it still hasn't sunk in tbh. 🌸 For you .

AmyJessicax26 · 05/09/2017 23:10

So sad to come back to this post to see the news :( take every second as it comes and don't panic about the funeral yet give yourself time to try to breath first in due time that will happen lots of support and strength sending you way ❤️

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 05/09/2017 23:28

Thank you again everyone, some lovely lovely words out there. Me, dh, mum and the kids all had fish and chips tonight. It was hard dad not being there but we talked about him.
I'm so glad I was 'brave' enough last night to tell him I loved him and what a lovely dad he's been. My 20 year old DS is struggling tonight bless him. I've just found his glassed in my bagSad and I keep wanting to tell him things.

OP posts:
Jedimum1 · 06/09/2017 00:14

That you've been able to tell him you love him, is such a lovely important moment... I'm sure he cherished it and you'll always know you opened your heart to him. I'm happy for you that you were able to make a beautiful instant between all the rest, I'm sure all the things you told him made him feel accomplished and happy to have had you all in his life x

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 06/09/2017 04:06

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
sandgrown · 06/09/2017 05:49

So sorry for your lossFlowers

ThaliaLuxurySpa · 06/09/2017 06:44

Hello again, OP,

With regard to supporting your Mum, you and your brother may find these helpful:

  1. griefjourney.co.uk/startjourney/for-those-that-want-to-help/articles-for-those-that-want-to-help/helping-a-grieving-parent/
  1. www.whentheygetolder.co.uk/what-to-do-when-a-parent-dies/
(very clear, step-by-step list of practical tasks...cuts through the maze of information on other sites).

"I need to be strong for mum as dad was so worried about leaving her." Sad

I can totally identify with your very understandable instincts to want to protect your Mum from pain and suffering by keeping a lid on your own emotion, and directing your focus on supporting her/ saving her further stress of dealing with the immediate practicalities...I was the exact same.
She may well be feeling similar about you and your brother, who in turn may be feeling extra protective towards the both of you.

Every family's dynamics are very different: I'd just add, though, it's pretty common to end up with each member self-pressuring for those above reasons.
Remember it's definitely not a sign of weakness, and there's no shame whatsoever, when being honest and directly telling them whenever you're feeling overwhelmed (and/ or reaching out to friends/ other family/ professional bereavement support, should the need arise).

Lastly, if there are any young children likely to be affected by your Dad's death, I can highly recommend "Badger's Parting Gifts" by Susan Varley as a beautiful, comforting little story to help them understand the concept a little better:

(5 minutes) Flowers
Original poster
MyGuideJools · 06/09/2017 09:19

Thalia thank you so much for those wise words, really appreciate them. There are no young children. Dad's youngest grandchild is 18, still tough for them but at least they understand what's going on.
I've slept reasonably well but have just had another cry. Really appreciate everyones kind wishes and Flowers to all going through similar.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyGuideJools · 06/09/2017 23:36

Found out today that dad needs a post mortem SadSad has he not suffered enough? !! I hate the thought of that.
Lots to think about today, I'm a bit on auto pilot. still can't believe it's happened.

OP posts:
Hanim79 · 06/09/2017 23:41

My thoughts are with you myguidejools. I went through similar with my parents. i am so sorry to hear your situation Sad x

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 06/09/2017 23:42

Thank you hanim79

OP posts:
Hanim79 · 06/09/2017 23:43

I've just seen your last update I am
So very very sorry x I have only just seen your thread as well. Big hugs. How are you holding up?

Jedimum1 · 06/09/2017 23:46

Maybe they want to rule out a specific strand of the disease that might have genetic predisposition, or certain environmental conditions that might have made it worse? His body is not him anymore, he's somewhere else. If the tests can help you all, or identify the main cause, or help you retrieve care costs if the condition was made worse by some factors at work, etc... Maybe is a good thing. Why do they need to do more tests? He won't suffer, but he might be able to help?

KweenOfFarts · 06/09/2017 23:50

Flowers @Jools. I never know the right words to say at times like but I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.

I understand how you feel about the post morten it's like ffs can't you just let them rest now.

Flowers
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 06/09/2017 23:51

So sorry for you Jools. Have been through this with both my parents. We were all there for my dad. The nurse came in and said it was time to say our goodbyes because his machines were slowing down. He was asleep and it was hard to tell that he was slipping away. It was New Year's Eve, hence why we were all there with him, and when we left there were fireworks going off. Very surreal.

My brother and sister were taking it in turns to stay with my mum when she died. My brother rang me at 5am to tell me that she'd gone. You know it's not good news when the phone rings at that time of day.

You'll get through the funeral. It's closure, in a way, of the process. Feels like you've properly said goodbye. You can't quite believe it at the time but looking back it helps if you think you've done it all properly and as they would have wanted it. Well it did for me. My mum was a horsey lady and had a horse drawn funeral procession. She'd have bloody loved it. It held all the traffic up in town and she'd have laughed at that.

Feel free to keep talking to us if it helps.

Flowers
MayMiracle · 06/09/2017 23:58

Sending you so much love. I'm very sorry xx

BonApp · 07/09/2017 05:50

jools I read something that said there is always an inquest or something when meso is involved. I hope the doctors are explaining things to you all in a kind way. Not that that changes anything or really makes it easier....

Hope today is as ok as poss.

HarryBlackberry · 07/09/2017 06:11

FlowersFlowers

BlackeyedSusan · 07/09/2017 06:54

ah lovely. It is tough. take it a tiny bit at a time, a mminute or two.

remember that after the funeral you need to keep looking after yourselves and being gentle to yourselves as sometimes that is when the grief hits quite hard.

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 07/09/2017 06:56

Thanks so much again everyone. Last night is the first time I've slept more than 5 hours straight for weeks, totally exhausted.
I know the PM has to be done, it just seems one more horrible thing for dad. He bloody hated all the fluid drips, IV lines etc he would keep asking when they would finish.
I keep reliving his last hoursSad

OP posts:
FineOldCriminals · 07/09/2017 07:58

Jools just sending some love and hugs your way

Your Dad had the people he loved close by him, and he would have known that he was loved Flowers It's all very raw now, of course, but it will become easier to bear, little by little, and eventually you'll be able to look back with more laughter than tears