Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Anyone up? Dad not expected to last the night.

253 replies

MyGuideJools · 05/09/2017 00:35

Me and mum been in hospital since 10am. Dad has pneumonia and lung cancer and isn't expected to last the nightSad
I've been expecting this but now I'm so scared. I know I shouldn't be on MN but I'm sat holding his hand. His breathing is so laboured now. All monitoring and obs stopped, just meds to calm him
He is still in a ward with 3 other men who are all sleeping. There are no side rooms apparently Confused
He's been in pain for so long, he's not been my strong old dad for weeks. This is killing me.....

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 07/09/2017 08:07

Jools I did that with mum's last hours, it haunted me to the point I had to ask for some help, because I ended up having flashbacks and passing out. I'm so sorry you're going through this, take it hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to. Sending lots of love. Flowers

WitchDancer · 07/09/2017 08:10

The flashbacks are the worst thing. My FIL passed away 2 weeks tomorrow and I kept on getting sudden flashes of his last hours. They are coming less frequently now and I hope that's the same for you.

Notreallyarsed · 07/09/2017 08:12

WitchDancer I'm sorry about your FIL. If it helps I'm nearly 3 months down the line and it's got much, much better.

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 07/09/2017 09:19

Sorry to those who have recently gone through the sameFlowers I know it was a privilege to be there at his last breath but I somehow feel I let him down, as though he was trying to say something.
I know I need to stop torturing myself but it's so so hard.
It all feels a bit overwhelming today thinking about all that needs doing.

OP posts:
WitchDancer · 07/09/2017 17:02

Baby steps Jools. As long as you have registered the death and have appointed a funeral director you have time to stop and deal with stuff. I picked one thing a day to sort out, which stopped everything becoming totally overwhelming.

I think the worst thing that I'm still dealing with is phoning people you haven't got a clue who they are 😔

TheGentleWoman · 07/09/2017 18:21

Sending love to you Jools. We'll be here for you, whenever you need us Flowers

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 07/09/2017 23:05

Thank you Flowers. Got quite a lot done today actually. Lots of formalities like car, bank, phone etc (Vodafone were awful!!Angry )
We have appointment with funeral directors tomorrow. We can't register the death yet as there has to be an inquest.
We've all had a meal together tonight, kids, grandkids, boyfriend's etc. It was nice and we toasted dad, but there was a big dad shaped hole at the tableSad

OP posts:
ThaliaLuxurySpa · 08/09/2017 02:57

It may not feel like it at the moment, OP, but you are doing so well. Flowers

When a loved one's death is so very recent, functioning at all can seem more like battling uphill in a fog. So keep on keeping on, at the very slowest pace circumstances allow.

Exhaustion/ anxiety/ stress of trying to hold things together is debilitating; it's ironic that it's precisely within those first bewildering days that so many practicalities have to be dealt with.

Something I found invaluable was appointing 1 of my most trustworthy and reliable friends to act as a 2nd tier 'buffer'.
For when we, the immediate family, just couldn't cope with repeating the same upsetting details to yet more people, or returning yet another urgent phone call etc.

Prioritise talking directly to anyone essential, or who will genuinely prove comforting and sensitive to you, but otherwise delegate to the Buffer Friend(s) the making of (polite but very brief/ factual) calls on your behalf (even texts/ emails, if and when appropriate)... frankly, anything which might save you (your Mum/ brother) a 3 minute 'quick call' developing into an exhausting half hour detailed account to anyone more persistent and demanding.

Sorry Vodaphone caused you hassle. Last thing you bloody need. Angry

x

ThaliaLuxurySpa · 08/09/2017 02:58

Vodafone^, even.

Allington · 08/09/2017 03:07

He sounds lovely. Of course there is a huge hole for those that are left.

I learnt so much about my great-uncle at his funeral (my grand fathers both died before I was born so he was a grand father figure). It was heart breaking but also a celebration of the amazing person he was - and in my life still is.

I wish the same for you

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 08/09/2017 18:39

Funeral date organised, that was tough in thereSad
Thalia good idea about delagating phone calls. DH has been brilliant at talking to people for me he likes to bloody talk
I plucked up the courage to look at dad's phone and have got in touch with some of his old workmates. Everyone is so shocked.

OP posts:
ThomasRichard · 08/09/2017 19:03

Well done OP Flowers

WitchDancer · 08/09/2017 19:10

I found the phone calls the hardest thing to do too Jools. I found everyone wanted to share a story, which I have found strangely comforting. I hope you find the same comfort too

alphajuliet123 · 08/09/2017 19:23

there was a big dad shaped hole at the table

Awww, I remember the glaring gap at the end of the dining table where dad always sat, after he died nobody took his sacred spot, nobody wanted to sit there or really wanted anyone else there. Then, several months / meals later, my son announced he was now grown up enough to take grandad's seat. He was 5, and a few years later is still the only family member "allowed" there.

It does get easier, I promise.

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 09/09/2017 16:55

alpha that's so cute. Dad loved his armchair, we have been sitting in it tho, which I think mum likes, she's left his pile of books next to the chair for the time being.
I feel physically ill today, totally drained and achey. I guess that's normal after the stress of the last few weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyGuideJools · 12/09/2017 08:45

A whole week has gone by since my lovely dad passed awaySad can't understand where that week has gone.
This morning is the first morning I haven't cried my eyes out, then I feel guilty.
I just feel sad and empty today, I visited him every day when he was alive, now nothing.
Mum and I are meeting the vicar today and I have to take dad's clothes to the funeral director 😣
How is everyone else doing?⚘

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 12/09/2017 08:55

Time passes so quickly doesn't it? I know it's not easy but please try not to feel guilty, I didn't cry for weeks after mum died and then it was like a dam burst and I couldn't stop for hours. I felt terribly guilty for not crying before that, but my friend told me we all cope in different ways and that's ok too.

The void is the hardest part I think, all that activity and jobs to be done and priorities to be sorted while someone is dying and then that horrible sense of nothingness that comes afterwards. I'm 3 months down the line almost, and it's getting a little easier day by day, like I'm learning to live with the void iyswim?

I hope that today isn't too hard for you, and that you can find comfort in doing these things for your dad. It's clear to me how much you love him, and I'm absolutely sure it was clear to him too. In the end, that's what matters. Everything else falls away and love is what truly makes all the difference.

Sending you lots of love and strength today Flowers

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 12/09/2017 09:47

Thank you not I know everyone copes differently. A friend lost her mum and went to work 2 days later, I couldn't possibly think about work right now. Mostly because I work in the same hospital where dad died! ⚘

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 12/09/2017 09:52

Oh Jools that must be so hard Flowers
It sounds trite but honestly just go with what you can do and forget about what you can't at the moment. There were days in the first weeks after that I literally took it minute by minute for fear of falling apart. Now day by day is doable. Hopefully one day I'll manage without even trying, I hope you will too.

Hotpinkangel19 · 12/09/2017 10:11

@MyGuideJools FlowersI went back to work because I need to be kept busy. Sitting at home alone does me no good at all. I cry most days, but I don't think losing mum and dad this close together has hit me yet. Please keep talking if it helps. Xxx

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis · 12/09/2017 10:12

I've only just seen this. 💐

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 12/09/2017 15:18

hot I don't know how you are coping! Double the pain and grief if that is possible Flowers
I guess I've been kept busy with arrangements this week. It's just hard as I work in the same hospital and can't face it right nowSad but I will, in my own time. Work have been lovely, sent me a lovely bouquet yesterday.

OP posts:
GallicosCats · 12/09/2017 15:42

Reading about the big dad-shaped hole at the dining table made me think of what we did. I lost my dad earlier this year (feels like a lifetime away, TBH) and for the first few meals, including what would have been his 83rd birthday, we followed the Irish custom of setting him a place. Gone but not forgotten. On his birthday we poured him a glass of wine and each took a sip from it on his memory. And my mum finished the glass.

I'll be thinking of everyone who's lost a loved one when I next raise a Wine to my dad.

ThaliaLuxurySpa · 18/09/2017 13:18

Hello OP,

Just wondering how you're doing? Hope some decent sleep has been achievable along the way. Sending love to you and yours x

Original poster
MyGuideJools · 18/09/2017 20:17

Thalia thanks for asking. I'm not too bad, good and bad days. Today wasn't brilliant, I keep thinking about things we would usually be doing at this time of year, shopping for bulbs for the garden, starting to think about Xmas etc. It's tough and I can't believe he's gone.
The funeral is on Wednesday. I'm dreading it which sounds almost disrespectful.
How's everyone else doing?
⚘⚘

OP posts: