My daughter died on Christmas day, and I am struggling this year.

[VilootShesCute]

She was 9 years old and it was 6:50am 8 years ago Christmas day she went peacefully in my arms.

I can talk about it to family and friends but this year, I don't know, it's just hitting me harder. I don't want to put too much on to anyone else close to me so am trying to be strong but Christ, it is not easy. Please can I ask everyone to just think of my beautiful girl on Christmas day and without sadness, send love to her wherever she may be.

Hi Vil

Sorry for your loss lovely

I lost my Daughter Xmas 95, I light a candle for her every year, and since moving go to a local ruined abbey that is connected to a small chapel and light a candle there.

My daughter was almost 2 when we lost her, and every year from about sept onwards I start feeling the stress building up, I completely lose the plot,'I'm sobbing on and off until D day.

My husband knows the signs he isn't her Dad, but so wish he had of been, would have been easier to withstand with him by my side. I would love to cancel Xmas but I have a son, so have always done Xmas for him and dh loves Xmas.

Be kind to yourself, I'de love to say it gets easier, for 9 months of the year maybe, but it's such an unnatural thing to outlive your kids that it leaves a permanent mark on your soul. I'll be sure to light a candle for you and your dd, it's a beautiful church, I'm not very religious but it gives me a moment of peace.

Please take care of you X

I am a Mum, however I am one of the lucky ones, mine are all still with me, and I have never felt your pain, but my sister has, 3 times. It does not stop me feeling your pain and I wish you all nothing but happy memories of your wee angels. And I wish all the wee angels a peaceful and Happy Christmas, and I hope your parents feel you close by.

I just wanted to extend my thoughts to everyone on here who has suffered a loss. You are all such strong women and so kind to come and share your stories and empathise.
Words seem so empty but I truly hope you all manage to find some tiny measure of peace where you can.

OP, if you'd like to share about her, I'd love to hear it, if it will help and you want to.

Oh and just to add

Son is 18 I check he's still breathing twice a night, and hold my breath when he goes out

Sending much love to you and your family. I will hold my children close on Christmas and remember your beloved little girl. Xx

guilty I so understand that on so many levels. Sending love

black thank you. She was going to forever be my baby. She had a neurological condition that meant she relied on me for everything. There are so many feelings that I can't write down, it's too hard. Guilt being one of them, that I could have done more. Anger that so many people think that because she had this condition that it somehow didn't mean as much that she's gone. But when you have a child that needs you, truly for everything, it's harder in many ways because you are suddenly redundant and all you have lived for has instantly disappeared. She was my baby. She meant just as much as a child that could run around and answer back.

Viloot I hope you don't mind my saying this, and of course I could never possibly understand, but it doesn't sound like you have anything to feel guilty about. Your love for her pours out of your words, you paint such a beautiful picture of her...of course she was as much of a child that could run and answer back, it sounds like her personality shone through in so many ways (her love of christmas lunch made me smile, a girl after my own heart!).

You sound like a truly incredible mother who gives every part of yourself, and of course a part of you went with her, and will always be with her. I hope one day you meet again, I truly do.

I'm so glad this thread has bought you some comfort. I'm sure a few of us wil be around on Christmas Day if you want to pop on and have a bit of respite from everything else, if you get a few minutes.

black I guess the guilt I feel is because I couldn't stop this from happening. As a mother I should be able to protect, from whatever gets thrown at them, my children. Dd2 has been ill this week. So close to Christmas, and every day I have been terrified that she's going to die. It takes over and is crippling. I find it so hard to comprehend people being blazé about illness but it isn't their fault, they haven't lost someone through something preventable.

oh that must have been terrible for you. And yes I do understand about the protecting - the world can be a cruel, cruel place sometimes.

I hope your DD2 is on the mend now xxx

Hi

I understand your guilt, my dd had a really rare genetic condition, I/we knew it wasn't survivable my dad though was in complete denial, whilst I was secretly planning a funeral, how shit does that sound coming from a mother. I also always k ew she wouldn't make her 2nd birthday, call it a mothers intuition.

Now I go around secretly worrying myself sick I'll lose my son, that's what I feel guilty about, because I know I've probably made things a bit tough for him by being overbearing. Deep down I knew I did everything I could for my little girl, which is far more than I can say for her dad.

My trouble is that I think my grief is made worse because of all the utter shitty things he did before after and during losing her, it's like he magnified the pain if that's possible, and now is such an intrical part of everything, I'm never free of him. I can never just grieve for her purely

guilty as if losing your daughter wasn't enough. I have no words of wisdom, I'm sorry. Have you talked it through with anyone at all? Are the things too awful to share? X

Hi vi

Thanks for the reply, yeah I had a lot of counselling, and the job I do now is a direct result of losing my dd and the lack support around in the 90's. As you know this doesn't get easier, I'de say for 9 months of the year I'm at ease, just when it's the anniversary, her birthday is ok as well.

I'm so sorry. I lost my daughter on New Years Day this year and am dreading her first anniversary and the start of 2017, a year she'll never know. I can't imagine it gets easier, will be thinking of you on Christmas Day.

guilty

Disillusioned

My sister passed in December about 13 years ago and her birthday is just before Christmas. I will be thinking of all of you who lost someone at this time of year.
Since then I have always felt a bit out of sorts buying presents with the assumption that everyone will be here on the day to open them. I remember my parents having to remove her gifts from under the tree and give them away to charity.

OP I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl and will certainly think of her on Christmas Day

I will think of you and your little girl .

Love to you all. I'm so sorry for your losses 💐

So sorry to all those that have had losses. I will be lighting a candle Christmas morning Viloot and think of you and your daughter x

So sorry to all who have lost someone.
Will be lighting a candle. Thinking of you all.

I'm so sorry Viloot I lost a much younger child and Christmas is always hard.

Simply can't imagine how much harder it must be for you. Much Love

Also you can tell me too fuck off of course but you do sound very anxious about your other children getting ill.

I understand losing a child can make you anxious about your others but it really shouldn't be crippling you. If it ever gets too much your GP can help.

I just hope that you op, and everyone else who's lost a child, gradually gain some peace in your heart.
I haven't lost a child and can't begin to imagine the gut-wrenching pain.
You're all very brave and strong women, I will certainly be thinking of you all 💐 ((Hugs)) and love X