Lemon's Mum

[lemonzest123]

Hi MNers,

Thanks for tipping me off about the message limit on my other thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2725008-Would-any-MNers-be-able-to-help-tonight?pg=1&order=

I am stunned and unbelievably humbled to see that one little post I wrote sparked 1000 messages, and Im so appreciative of all you personal stories and jokes to cheer me up.

MN is offically amazing and you're all fantastic.

DM had a rough night, she apparently woke in the night with a bad headache which I think confirmed the disease has moved into her head (we expected this, apparently what's causing the paralysis often appears in the brain too). Still no appetite and sleeping all the time.

Hope everyone had a good night. I had yet more nightmares - theyre all about Mum and they all horrible. Shouty I is in fine voice this morning. Dad said he heard Shouty I bellowing to Shouty II to shut up the other day. Pot, meet kettle

Sounds good to me.

Ahh the hospice lady just popped in to give mum a wee hand massage. She didn't really wake up but I think she could feel it on one side.

DP is staying up another night because I'm so blue and "need hugging".

Aaah Lemon your DP sounds like a right diamond geezer. Enjoy your time together, you really deserve it. How lovely of the hospice lady to give your DM a hand massage, I'm sure she would have enjoyed it. Have a lovely sleep tonight, safe in the arms of your DP, he can act like a dream catcher and keep the nightmares at bay. But don't forget to have glass or two of

Just found the new thread. Sorry your Mum had a restless night. It's so wonderful though that you are able to feed her, look at old pics and that she heard your DP's lovely message.

Not surprised at the nightmares one bit. There's so much going through your head right now, coupled with weariness. It really does tend to make for very unsettling/upsetting dreams at times :(

This is supposed to be the last hot day (at least in the short term and time is't on the side of baking hot weather month-wise.)

Hope you manage more sleep tonight. You are doing amazingly.

Hi lemon I hope you're feeling a bit less shredded this evening. You're doing an amazing thing and you're doing it really well, even if it doesn't feel that way. Try to rest up and lean on your lovely DP.
I've had a long day but now making progress with the surprise birthday cake- and wondering how little effort I can get away with when it comes to supper- is cheese on toast with carrots a balanced meal?

Only if you cut into battons and poke them into the cheese.

Ive been so shit today I'm ashamed of myself, just sitting here doing nothing while she's asleep.

Shit day, really shit day. Can feel my Dad's disappointment.

Lemon - try to hear this- the situation is shit. You are not. You are a loving daughter whose heart is being torn in half. You are doing your best and your best is just fine- truly. Your dads emotions are all over the place too and he will be saying and thinking things he hardly recognises as his own because he is staring into the same abyss that you are and he's heartbroken too.
People under this sort of strain can't always get everything right- and that goes for your Dad as well as for you. He probably feels terrible that he can't protect you from this pain.
Whatever it is that makes him seem disappointed with you, it doesn't change the fact that you are doing all you can, supporting your mum as best you can, getting through each day as well as you can.
That's good enough. Truly. A lot of us on this thread have done this sort of waiting and we know how tough it can be. Big hugs

HI Lemon
Popping in to see how you are. Don't criticise yourself, you have done such a lot and I am sure you will do more in the next while. It is not an easy task that you are doing and it is more than a lot of others would ever be able to do, There is nothing more important just now than being with your Dmum on these days/nights.
Thinking of you.

Aarghh that made me well up! Feeling a bit emotional today! I'm glad Ive got through all this without crying in front of her. Such were her worries about my MH and how I would cope without it felt like an imoortant thing to do. But because her heads at an odd angle now if I well up a bit on her other side she won't see.

Lemon - sorry to have gone awol, finding a phone charger and getting the internet working in the new house has been a mission!

Firstly, stop beating yourself up! You can't be there every minute of every day - your life will have to go on after this and you need to take some time away for your own sanity! I really doubt your dad is disappointed in you, and if he is, it will simply be because it's hard for him to envision there being any other sort of life away from your mum and he simply may have lost focus on the fact that you do have that and might need a tiny break. Yes you are looking after your dad and your mum, but you have to look after you too - that's really important as well!

And as to your wedding - we lost my dad 4 weeks before ours. Going ahead with it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it was pretty much his last wish that we not cancel and we wanted to honour that. And you know what? He was with me every single second. It actually felt worse getting the wedding photos and him not being in them, because it had felt so much like he was with me on the day. Your mum will be with you too, I promise you.

Ah fen you are a wise lady indeed!! Have you given in and staryed Mount yet? Im enjoying it even thiugh I never got through Jump. I find the character of Etta shallow and annoying.

Re. Your baby names, what about some on the ones from Pandora?

Pandora
Galena
Alizarian
Sienna
Hanna

HA!! I did actually suggest Jupiter as a joke - it was not well received!

I have finished Appasionata and started Score but am not finding much time to read as am mainly in IKEA wardrobe building hell!

Now then madam, look here: you are to stop beating yourself up IMMEDIATELY.

You have absolutely fuck all to be ashamed of and no one - NO ONE- is disappointed in you. Parents have an in built need to protect their children, and my guess is that he is disappointed that he can't protect you from this.

And let's face it, it's not as though you have no reason to be upset. So cut yourself some slack, be kind to yourself and try to have a bite to eat

I truly truly love you lot. Thanks for keeping my spirits up. Heading back to my flat. I don't think she said more than 10 words the whole time I was there. Its bleak as fuck.

Sitting here waiting for a train in the town where I grew up and already everything feels different. Does that make sense? Suddenly the world look less friendly as the world grinds on with mechanical dispassion. All the things and places that were your life and your safety net are grimly exposed as just being stuff because the thing that made them special isn't there.

It is totally understandable.
Your Mum has been the anchor to your life, and its stressful, frightening even. But you are doing all you are capable off ( a lot, lot more than some). So cut yourself some slack, and be kind to yourself.
It sounds silly, but could you do those adult colouring books? Just to let your mind rest, or anything where you have to concentrate on something other.

I have some of those actually... I must be quite highly strung as people tend to buy them for me as gifts.

I can see loads of people in suits in a pub garden having a great time. Lucky sods things.

Since Mum was diagnosed as terminal last May I've spent every weekend there apart from a handful. I wanted to do it but have realised now I have no social life so 'after' is looking scary. And also it means I bloody miss her.

Oh god, buffet car lady on train knows my order (can of larger). yes I know I'm drinking to much, yes I'm happy with that decision

It's bloody scary when you feel like things are falling apart and the world just carries on. I remember being quite angry actually- life was going on as normal and I was just falling apart and wanted to scream at everyone that everything had changed

I know!! How can they? How are people just sitting there laughing and smiling and having fun? Don't they realise the world is ending?

I lost my step-dad (brought me up from age 4)..... sometimes what happens at the end of life is out of your control. You are doing what you can. More .

That's exactly it! It's like there is a meteorite about to hit Earth and people are totally bloody oblivious!

It's all so raw for you at the moment, it does get better. You don't "get over" anything, but you do learn to adapt and survive. Nothing is the same, but you will reach a new normal eventually.

But even the thought of a new normal is terrifying

Have you managed something to eat yet? X

Well as it happens DP and me have decided to abandon our healthy eating/economy drive plan and have tapas and cocktails at my favourable restaurant. Its not too expensive and he'll give me a massage (and audiobook!) after as those bloody chairs play havoc with my back.

Thank God for DP!

You are so so so right. I don't want to think about how things will get better eventually because I don't want to have a life without her.

Dear Lemon, I've name changed again and am almost confusing myself at this stage.

The part you wrote about the mechanical engines droning on endlessly while your life is changing by the moment struck a cord. Is there anywhere nearby you could go to sit by yourself? A park, a pond, some woodland? I live in a built up grey area but there is a little park nearby with one small ten minutes max walk. Both sides of the lane have trees. When I am there, I feel I'm finally away from the chaos. It does wonders for my mental state.

Can you put a bottle of your mum's perfume away? Smell evokes strong memories. Wear it on your wedding day. xx

Hey lemon, I know exactly what you mean about not understanding about other people carrying on when you feel your own world falling apart. And it's just not fucking fair, is it? I'm absolutely one of those people who believes in positivity of a good RAGE. Find a good, safe outlet for it.

We are all thinking of you x

Keeping track of your journey, Lemon, and you are doing an amazing job. Your mum will be so proud of you. Yes, getting married without your mum there would be shit - but I wouldn't worry about that, since we mums will find a way to be there, even if not in the flesh!

Spealing of rage, these two early twenties pricks on this train are loudly trying to out-anecdote each other about their backpacking antics.

And have decided they "Only like well travelled Australians because the rest are like rascist?[upward inflection]"

I know I'm over emotional atm but if they don't shut up I'm going to feed them their teeth.