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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Lemon's Mum

999 replies

lemonzest123 · 14/09/2016 11:37

Hi MNers,

Thanks for tipping me off about the message limit on my other thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2725008-Would-any-MNers-be-able-to-help-tonight?pg=1&order=

I am stunned and unbelievably humbled to see that one little post I wrote sparked 1000 messages, and Im so appreciative of all you personal stories and jokes to cheer me up.

MN is offically amazing and you're all fantastic.

DM had a rough night, she apparently woke in the night with a bad headache which I think confirmed the disease has moved into her head (we expected this, apparently what's causing the paralysis often appears in the brain too). Still no appetite and sleeping all the time.

Sad

Hope everyone had a good night. I had yet more nightmares - theyre all about Mum and they all horrible. Shouty I is in fine voice this morning. Dad said he heard Shouty I bellowing to Shouty II to shut up the other day. Pot, meet kettle Hmm

OP posts:
RosieSW · 14/09/2016 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlpacaLypse · 14/09/2016 22:36

I remember that thread Rosie! I think it may be in Classics.

Lemon I've been following from the beginning, mostly lurking, although I did pop out with Cake Chocolate Brew Flowers and Wine at one point, although all you'd actually asked for was a nice cold beer... Smile

Your mum will be at your wedding. She'll be with you all your life. My dad hasn't been with us on earth for seventeen years now but I still hear his voice and know he loves me.

bookbook · 14/09/2016 22:52

Rosie - thats made me Grin . When my DD got married, I had the most beautiful pair of high heels. I very elegantly walked down some steps at the reception onto a lawn, ( well, I thought I did ) and one of my heels just went into the grass like butter.... cue an very inelegant sort of lurch/shuffle/leg thing. I managed to keep the wine in the glass though!

thedishonthecoffeetable · 14/09/2016 23:07

My mum was taken into a hospice just after Christmas, she was then transferred to a nursing home as it wasn't if she died it was when. Me and oh had already arranged to get married but just going away and doing it with two friends as witnesses. We told her, there was no way she could have come. But she was happy we were getting married.

There were also some real characters in the home! One lady complained about everything! No idea why as the staff were lovely.

Although my mum was in the home she was still under the hospice and they reviewed her pan relief etc. Mum was there from January till the middle of May when she finally had to leave us.

So, what I'm trying to say is, be there, love her, but still think of ypu and your oh, get married, she would want you to xxxx

Fanlightfanny · 14/09/2016 23:24

Hi Lemon just saying hello again. Alpaca you brought tears to my eyes when I read what you'd said about your Dad. I feel exactly the same about mine. I still talk to both my Mum & Dad. Lemon your Mum will always be with you.

ohfourfoxache · 14/09/2016 23:46

Howdy Lemon Grin

Glad to see you've been got a shiny new thread, and I really hope you've managed to get some rest.

Like others have said, just because someone passes to the other side, they don't stop being an influence on your life.

I KNOW it's not the same, I've "only" lost grandparents. But it is hard knowing that they didn't meet ds, didn't see my dsis get married, didn't meet my nephew. But we still have pictures up, and I talk to them all the time, and ds will grow up "knowing " them iyswim. We've visited the crem together and he got excited seeing big fish in the pond! And they're there, watching us and looking out for us- we just can't see them. But they can hear us and, if we listen closely to our hearts and memories, we can hear them.

janaus · 15/09/2016 00:01

Could you have a small private wedding service where your mum is, so she can see you 'get married'

Coldhandscoldheart · 15/09/2016 02:46

Morning lemon. Hope you're asleep. I find myself sitting on the edge of the bed, whilst baby gets comfy in my bit of the bed. The whole side. I'm debating climbing into her cot, but I'm afraid I might not get out again.

Allatseainthemidlands · 15/09/2016 08:03

Good morning lemon I hope you've had a quiet night. I am sure you are right about not "fixating" on being there at your mum's last breath. Sometimes people wait until everyone else has left the room- that funny business of choosing when to go.
Your mum knows you are happy and settled with a good person- that will give her so much comfort.
A quietish day here I hope- a couple of families need visiting- another set of refugees- who with their six words of English and my one word of Arabic will have to communicate with a combination of charades, semaphore and Google Translate. Then baking the cake for a surprise party for my DDs friend. She's 15- apparently it has to be ALL the Disney princesses!

Grumpyoldblonde · 15/09/2016 09:02

Morning Lemon Hope you got a decent nightmare free sleep.
I agree with other posters, people do sometimes seem to choose their moment to slip away, it must be a primitive instinct. I think we imagine at the moment life ends that 'something' will happen that we can't miss, it really doesn't, like the opposite of a birth really, I'm not explaining that very well am I?
Whatever happens, your mum knows you have been there and you love her. That love stays with you honey x

Fanlightfanny · 15/09/2016 09:38

Morning Lemon hope you and your Mum had a restful night. Still thinking of you. Off to do some shopping soon ( exciting life eh?) . Catch up later.

boo2410 · 15/09/2016 10:57

Hi Lemon, just dropping by before my carers pop in to say I'm still thinking of you and your DM. Hope you had a restful night. Blue sky here but doesn't feel so hot yet thank heavens!

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 15/09/2016 12:14

Hi lovely MNers,

Reporting with a huge dose of shame that I'm sitting on my bed in my flat feeling like I can't go today. Just feels so difficult.

Very very low today.

The dreams where she gets better are actually worse than the nightmares. Very little makes me cry but that does.

OP posts:
FarelyKnuts · 15/09/2016 12:23

There is no shame in how you feel Lemon! You are in a suspended waiting period watching your darling mum dying. ANYTHING you feel is valid.
It's ok to feel low and like it's all too hard.
Can you take a few hours this afternoon for yourself? Have a bath/go for a walk/scream cry whatever? Just block off some time to not be ok?

Marcipex · 15/09/2016 12:48

Hello dear Lemon

Of course you are emotionally drained by this. It's no wonder you feel fragile.

Don't forget that you have done your very very best for your mum. And your mum knows that too.

((((((Lemon))))))))

That's a hug x

SlinkyB · 15/09/2016 13:00

Oh Lemon you poor love. I commented right at the beginning of your first thread (not sure what name I used) and have been following when I can.

Please be gentle with yourself. You're bound to feel low Sad

I agree with the PP who said sick people have some control over when they go. You've done so much for your darling Mum, have a few hours in your flat and rest. Thinking of you.

Goingtobeawesome · 15/09/2016 13:05

Hi Lemon

I'm sorry you are feeling so low. If you don't go today is there someone else who can be there? If your mum passes today and you didn't go, if you would feel worse than you do now then I'd try and go.

I'm feeling awful today so went out and bought my new puppy and toothbrush and toothpaste plus some teething treats. Just to change environment and try and feel different. Is there something you could do to do the same?

bookbook · 15/09/2016 13:08

As I said before , its hard, so don't beat yourself up about it.
Maybe its a good day to let yourself wallow...?

boo2410 · 15/09/2016 13:24

I'm with the others Lemon. You are emotionally exhausted. Your body is telling you to recharge your batteries and that is what you must do. Your gorgeous mum will understand, and if her situation changes you will be told I'm sure. Look after yourself. Will pop in again later, we are all behind you. Flowers Flowers

Allatseainthemidlands · 15/09/2016 13:26

Sweetheart this is the toughest, bloodiest, most awful time. No wonder you feel low. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Lighting a candle for you and your mum. Big hugs Flowers

saffronwblue · 15/09/2016 13:26

Lemon this is so hard and your mum would want you to look after yourself and do whatever you need to do to get through this time.

Fanlightfanny · 15/09/2016 14:05

Lemon, I remember that feeling so well. Don't feel guilty, it's natural to go through all these emotions. My Mum passed in 1997 & I still feel guilty now & then because occasionally I purposely went in to see her a little late. I knew there'd be other people already there so it wasn't to bad, at least that's what I used to tell myself.

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 15/09/2016 14:15

Thanks so much for your kind words. If I get sniping from DF I'll truthfully say I'm struggling emotionally (unheard of phrase in our fam).

Just nearly blubbed in EAT because they've stopped doing Reubens and that's the only thing I fancied.

Can't believe how bloody skinny I've got. That sounds like I'm bragging - I'm not. I'm normally a bag of bones anyway but when stress happens it gets even more pronounced.

OP posts:
Fanlightfanny · 15/09/2016 14:36

Lemon get yourself a pie woman!.

boo2410 · 15/09/2016 15:09

Or a couple of pies, and a doughnut for good measure!!

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