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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Lemon's Mum

999 replies

lemonzest123 · 14/09/2016 11:37

Hi MNers,

Thanks for tipping me off about the message limit on my other thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2725008-Would-any-MNers-be-able-to-help-tonight?pg=1&order=

I am stunned and unbelievably humbled to see that one little post I wrote sparked 1000 messages, and Im so appreciative of all you personal stories and jokes to cheer me up.

MN is offically amazing and you're all fantastic.

DM had a rough night, she apparently woke in the night with a bad headache which I think confirmed the disease has moved into her head (we expected this, apparently what's causing the paralysis often appears in the brain too). Still no appetite and sleeping all the time.

Sad

Hope everyone had a good night. I had yet more nightmares - theyre all about Mum and they all horrible. Shouty I is in fine voice this morning. Dad said he heard Shouty I bellowing to Shouty II to shut up the other day. Pot, meet kettle Hmm

OP posts:
Fanlightfanny · 16/09/2016 23:06

Hi Lemon, just checking in. Much cooler here today too. Something that might make you smile. My 6yr old Grandson came home from school & told his mum he had an embarrassing problem. He asked if he could whisper it to her? Intrigued my DD said yes of course. Turns out he had a sore nipple, because he new PE top with the school logo on had been rubbing it. My DD said to him, you've got joggers nipple. He said "Well I did run for six minutes today in PE".
Hope you and your mum have a restful night.

bookbook · 16/09/2016 23:09

Glad you got time with your DP, and glad to hear you are holding up.
Hope the night goes easily on the air bed!

rightsforwomen · 16/09/2016 23:17

I hope you and your dear Ma have a peaceful night.

Allatseainthemidlands · 16/09/2016 23:18

Just dropping in to wish you and your mum a peaceful night lemon- and a comfy one on your air bed.
Just got home after long journey extended by road closures and diversions- I've spent quite a lot of this evening swearing at the satnav. Now I'm home I'm buzzing with the effort of having had to stay awake and wondering whether I'll be able to sleep.
Dogs rushing round like loonies in the garden after too long shut in with me stuck in traffic. Luckily our neighbours are an uncomplaining lotSmile

TheBouquets · 16/09/2016 23:21

Hi Lemon
Just checking that you are OK ish. It is a lot cooler here too. I am so glad that we did not have any thunder and lightning. I am terrified of it. It is good that you are getting food while sitting with Dmum. I hope you have a quiet night on the ward. Thinking of you and Dmum

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 17/09/2016 00:33

Thanks for all the check ups ladies. I have to say in spite of my usually relentless ability to be philosophical about all this I am in a bit of a negative thought spiral tonight Sad

OP posts:
icklekid · 17/09/2016 00:43

Hi lemon sorry been a few days but still think of you most nights. Read up thread about you not thinking you can get married without her and that made me so sad
I think in time you would be able to find a way even as you say if its a tiny beach wedding. Sorry thread has probably moved on loads since then!

A night in a tapas bar with plenty of wine sounds like.a very good plan any night of the week! Also the thought of someone turningup with m&s ready meal+ parmasan+grater is brilliant!

You are so strong! Flowers try and rest even if you can't sleep

boo2410 · 17/09/2016 00:50

Ow Lemon, I'm sorry, I suppose it's to be expected with all that you are going through. Doesn't help that it's all worse of a night time for some reason, probably because most people are in bed. If it's any consolation I'm on a bit of a spiral myself with my health, although it's not anything as bad as you're going through. I try and pretend that I'm fine so as not to worry anyone then watch mindless crap on TV when everyone's in bed!! Try and get some sleep, you need your strength. Take care of yourself.

Coldhandscoldheart · 17/09/2016 04:55

Morning Lemon
Darkest hours check in here, I hope you've managed to sleep for a bit.
There's a thing I read on here once, I think it's a mindfulness exercise, to help calm spiralling thoughts. I think it goes, name 5 things you can see, close your eyes, then name 5 things you can hear, feel etc.
And you just let them be, be aware of them, but not interacting with them.
We're going today to look at a house I hope we would like to buy (first time!)

VanillaSugarandChristmasSpice · 17/09/2016 05:35
Flowers
boo2410 · 17/09/2016 06:34

Oh good luck Cold, fingers crossed, a first time buy is so exciting.

boo2410 · 17/09/2016 06:35

Lemon, hope you had a good night's sleep, hope today is peaceful for you and DM.

Goingtobeawesome · 17/09/2016 06:47

Hope you managed to sleep, Lemon and that today brings moments of joy for you all. I might buy a shark today. Why not treat yourself and your mum to something too?

Fanlightfanny · 17/09/2016 08:20

Morning Lemon off to work shortly. How's everything this morning? Hope you had a peaceful night?

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 17/09/2016 08:23

Hey lovely ladies

It was alright...
Mum was doing pain noises between 4 and 6 am which was v.distressing. Once she was full of meds she went back to sleep though. I failed to realise just how cold it is lying next to a window in Autumn so despite wearing a hoodie and scarf was awake and freezing most of the night. DF coming to rescue me so will have giant milky decaf and crumpets in bed shortly.

Xxxxxx

OP posts:
Allatseainthemidlands · 17/09/2016 08:33

Good morning lemon I hope you've warmed up a bit. Maybe try to get some sleep too- although it is a lovely morning here so if it's sunny with you perhaps just enjoy the brightness. Hoping that if your mum is pain free you will all be able to have a gentle morning. The negative feelings are inevitable- just try to take one hour at a time. Hang on. You're doing so well Flowers
My day already full to overflowing. Too many meetings!!! And the house looks likes someone picked it up, emptied a skip into it and then dropped it back on it's side. I know domestic order isn't everything but there comes a moment.....

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 17/09/2016 09:58

Oh lord...was looking forward to a kip but DF has just shit that to shit by saying he thinks I should go back to work because "we don't know how long this will go on for"

Brain in free fall. Cannot go back to work for many reasons!! Sad

OP posts:
whitehandledkitchenknife · 17/09/2016 10:19

Not for him to say lemon. You will go back to (paid) work when you're ready. Not before. No discussion. You are working. You're working at supporting your mum through an important transition. You're working at getting yourself through it too. Along with your dad and other family members. Your mind is filled with so much at the moment. Flowers

Allatseainthemidlands · 17/09/2016 10:28

Your DF can't make this call for you. You have to make the decision yourself. He can't be volunteering you to stay up all night one minute and sending you back to work the next. His world is in freefall too but that doesn't mean he gets to re-order yours. Make a decision that feels right in your heart and your stomach and just let him know what you have decided. It needn't be a confrontation but it sounds as though he's trying to maintain control over something- making sure your life/job etc 'isn't broken' rather than letting you handle this as you feel is right. I am sure he means well but my guess is you will get better and more helpful perspectives from your DP at this point. My DF was not a great help to us when DM was dying- or afterwards either- he was so wounded by what had gone on that he really couldn't see straight. Family unity is important but so is following your heart. Do what you feel is right for you and your mum. So sorry you are going through all this Flowers

ohfourfoxache · 17/09/2016 10:30

Darling you need to do what is best for you. Yes, going back to work is an option, but it isn't your only option and only you can decide what it is that you need to do.

Personally I found work a bit of a welcome distraction and a huge bind both at the same time. But then I was lucky enough to be working in central London and travelling to another central London specialist hospital so I could split the day between visiting and work. Then the rest of the family took over in the afternoon.

Anyway, point is that going into work has good and bad points, but only you can decide what is best for you. You certainly can't be pulling all nighters with your mum and be effective at work- you cannot do it all xx

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 17/09/2016 14:52

It is a bit for him to say....
If I take beyond next week off I need to go onto unpaid leave which means I need him to pay my rents and bills for me for a month (he initially agreed to this). But if he changes his mind there's nothing I can do.

All very odd.

Im still in bed due to "fucking everything"

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonzest123 · 17/09/2016 14:53

Just realised that could be read two ways!

OP posts:
Fanlightfanny · 17/09/2016 15:59

Hi lemon just take each day as it comes. Don't go back to work unless you have to. Although being busy can sometimes help to focus your mind. I remember not wanting to go into work but having no choice. Looking back I think it did me good.

bookbook · 17/09/2016 16:20

I worked while my DM was in hospital, but took off days off when I could, ( I ran my own business and had children still at home) . But I was lucky in that I come from quite a big family, so we took it a bit in turns. The work really helped actually . It made me concentrate on other things, and let me have a rest from all the emotions. Could you perhaps ask your work - who seem to be helpful, whether you could work part time in the immediate future, so possibly 3/4 days at a time, then back with your Mum for the rest of the week?

Allatseainthemidlands · 17/09/2016 16:42

Well lemon if you are 'fucking everything' I salute your stamina Grin