Lemon's Mum

[lemonzest123]

Hi MNers,

Thanks for tipping me off about the message limit on my other thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2725008-Would-any-MNers-be-able-to-help-tonight?pg=1&order=

I am stunned and unbelievably humbled to see that one little post I wrote sparked 1000 messages, and Im so appreciative of all you personal stories and jokes to cheer me up.

MN is offically amazing and you're all fantastic.

DM had a rough night, she apparently woke in the night with a bad headache which I think confirmed the disease has moved into her head (we expected this, apparently what's causing the paralysis often appears in the brain too). Still no appetite and sleeping all the time.

Hope everyone had a good night. I had yet more nightmares - theyre all about Mum and they all horrible. Shouty I is in fine voice this morning. Dad said he heard Shouty I bellowing to Shouty II to shut up the other day. Pot, meet kettle

I doubt I will ever get married but when I was with DD's dad and considered marrying him, I always felt my Mum would be watching. I have an image of heaven where my Mum and DD's Dad's Dad get together and talk about DD.

Of my Mum's 9 grand children, she only got to hold one and may have been aware of a second but they all know about her and talk about her.

Whatever happens you will always remember your Mum and she will be part of your life because their will be photos and memories. Do you have a female relative who could play Mother of the Bride?

Your DP sounds great by the way with that card.

you do know you won't lose your Mum, don't you? My Mum died over 13 years ago now, but she is still a big part of me. I am a grandma now, and I sometimes have to sit down and think - what would my Mum have done? And the answer usually pops into my head
Soup making - I make a lot of soup. Unless it is something very specific , like leek and potato, it is called in this house soup du jour I very nearly always start with a base of onion, celery and carrot fine diced, but after that, it just depends what I have picked, what needs using. So today , apart from the base it is potato, courgette, french beans chopped small, skinned tomatoes, and will have coriander dill and parsley chucked in later. I have yet more courgettes to use, so may have to be a bit inventive, as I have nearly used up my rather large repertoire of courgette recipes, and the freezer is choc a bloc !

Thanks for all your replies!

I think I'd probably spend the whole day blubbing, althiugh if my Dad were there I suppose thayd be ok. No, no female rellies that could be MOB but tbh Im not sure Id want them to. We're a tiny family really and 5 out of 6 of those in my parents generation either have had or currently have cancer.

Maybe a small wedding on a beach with just immediate fam and then a nice dinner afterwards.

book Im jelly! Courgettes are my all time favourite food! Especially fried in garlic and butter!

Your Mum will be there in her own way. It's not quite the same but when I got married three of my grandparents had passed away but I found a very small way of incorporating them into my day - I had each of their wedding rings tied to the part of my bouquet that I held. It wasn't obvious to anyone else but it wasn't for anyone else, it was for me and it was a small way to make it feel they were with me.

And about soup - I love soup but I don't know how you can even be talking about it on a day as hot as today!!

maybethedayafter, I like your wedding ring idea.

Soup? You're all mad, it's boiling!
We're having cold roast chicken , peas and new potatoes.
It's been so hot all the tomatoes ripened at once and are now finished. I have one aubergine on the last plant, the others went mouldy and fell off.
I really like aubergine flowers, they are a beautiful shape.

Lemon, do move to the south west, it's the best! We are all lovely!

I have just sorted out being a witness at a complete stranger's wedding, all through the power of Mumsnet.

For your wedding, Mumsnetters of all sizes, ages, and glamourpussness will look after you in honour of your own DM...and even turn up on the day with confetti and lacy hankies if summoned. You just say the word.

Hope today has been bearable for your DM in this heat and that you have had some peace

norks that actually brought a tear to my eye. Stand-in Mums from Mumsnet.

I've read some of your previous thread and all of this one and think about you often but am more of a lurker. I get married in November having booked most things in the middle of last year - my mum passed away in November last year and my dad passed away in 2011. I'm an only child and just wish we weren't spending a small fortune on a day I don't think I am going to enjoy anymore xxx

I'm so sorry to hear that. I really hope you find a way to enjoy it with your DP. Massive hugs.

Hi lemon. I'd be a happy stand-in. I think we'd do you proud!
I lost my mum a year last January to bastard cancer- it had started to spread. I was with her at the end although we had amazing hospice carers. I couldn't think about her or her passing for months but I'm so glad I was there. I chuntered a lot, she was on the morphine driver by the end but I knew she could hear as we managed to get my DD home from Australia (mums only beloved granddaughter) and mum opened her eyes, couldn't focus or speak but definitely knew she was there.
It's a lonely old time, I wasn't a MN'er then I so wish I was.
At the moment do whatever feels right, I honestly think everyone's journey is different. I was scared about the end but talked through my fears. I was actually asleep but woke up with a start just before the hospice lady was coming to get me. Mums breathing changed.
I don't remember the end with sadness because we still laughed as I shared lots of memories even though mum couldn't join in I knew she was listening.
We are all here. Take comfort from us. And please look after yourself!

I can vouch for having stand ins for the people missing can be okay. My parents abandoned me so I was dreading my wedding but my boss immediately said her husband, also my boss, would do the honours and he did and was fabulous.

I have to admit I'm apprehensive at the thought of getting married without my mum too Lemon. We were due to marry next year but my heart isn't in it at the moment.

I completely understand that feeling. Perhaps nearer the time you'll feel differently but it's so hard. I think social media has hyped up this tendency for everyone to compare their wedding to other peoples and all those black and white photos of MOB and bride getting their make up done make me feel sad.
...then I remember me and Mum would never have got that kind of thing taken anyway!

I'm still contemplating eloping and just coming back and telling everyone after the fact. No fuss no muss.

Hi Lemon just popping up to say hello again. Sorry your Mum had a bad night. It must be a lovely feeling to know all those people out there are thinking of you & your family. I hope you all have a peaceful night.

then I remember me and Mum would never have got that kind of thing taken anyway!. 😁 Nor me & my Mum! Also, I'm sure lots of people do have 'magical moments' with their Mum on their wedding day, but the vast majority are trying not to scream at each other - they're just not the photos people plaster all over social media 😁 It's good to keep some things in perspective 😁😁

I meant to say earlier, the period of time when they seem to be getting better...I found it incredibly hard, you just want it to be so & long lasting while your brain is telling you otherwise. It's a very, very draining roller coaster you're on xx

KELPER. Candy floss grapes are just a type of green grape, they do actually taste like candy floss - it's a bit of a mind bend! Waitrose do them, but I'm sure other supermarkets must do too. There's another flavour as well (popcorn or something, I can't remember) but they weren't as good.

LemonJust popping to say still thing about you and now also about the others who have shared their experiences.

Thinking not thing (drat my typing)

Hi Lemon,

Just popping in to say I hope you manage to sleep better tonight and that you DM is comfortable and that the others aren't too shouty. Sleep tight. Will drop in tomorrow.

Thanks lovelies. Yeah I'm not one of those picture people. My DBro and SIL had 1200 photos taken at their wedding, about 500 were "getting ready". Don't get me wrong its what she they wanted so fair play but my god if me and DP get married (I think we will, we talk about it a lot) it'll be SO different!! Quick ceremony trying not to giggle in private then a big dinner and loads of money behind the bar.

I'm on my way back to London, weve all been there all day today, DF staying over. I've decided that I'm not going to obsess over being there when she passes. One of us will be there, that's all that matters. Since we have no idea when its coming we can't all spend 24 hours there.

And also I think the moment she slips away in her sleep isn't as important bad all the moments she's been conscious for, when we were all there holding her hand. It'd be good to say goodbye but I'm not going to obsess too much.

Hi Lemon
Just to let you know that you and your DMum are constantly in my thoughts.

Thinking of you xxx

I do believe that people have some kind of "control" about the moment they pass. My Grandad had a stroke and we were told he had 2 hours to 2 days. He hung on for 3 weeks and died on his birthday. My Nan died just moments before I arrived at the hospital - I don't think she wanted me to be there when she died. I believe your Mum will go when it's right for her - whether that be when your Dad is there, or you or your brother, or all of you. It will be how she chooses.

That is a very good way to be .
She has been surrounded by love on this journey - you don't need to be there when it ends.
On the courgette theme ( not obsessed at all!) I too like them fried with garlic and butter - probably my favourite. But I am up to the ears in courgette and cheese muffins, courgette and chocolate brownies, roasted courgettes, courgette and cucumber soup. courgette and spinach soup ., tomato and courgette pasta sauce ..etc, etc....