Hi long time Lemon Friends,
Sorry I've been deserting my lovely thread. Things have been a bit rotten here and I feel like all I ever do is moan to you all.
It's nearly two months since Lemon's Mum passed on.Things aren't a great deal better; just different.
I'm not sure I ever wrote a proper post about the funeral did I? That was around the last time I checked in...
Well, I was dreading it - we all were; but it was actually alright in the end. For some reason I had got into my head that when the funeral director said they'd be 'bringing her home first' that meant they were going to bring the coffin into the house (don't ask me why - mad overtired brain. Also makes no sense as they'd have to troop in with it and then promptly carry it straight back out again.). Anyway, I worked out about 5.30am on the morning of the funeral that what they probably meant was that they were beginning the PROCESSION from DFs house, then I relaxed a bit.
Lovely housemate text me first thing in the morning to ask how I was feeling. Was putting on makeup as hysterical displacement activity and took photos of contouring from several angles and fretted that I'd done it wrong. Then popped on lovely (and quite sassy) black dress Mum bought me that she loved but I'd never worn and slapped on full warpaint at 9.30am (don't care - she'd have understood), then before we knew it the hearse had arrived. My Dad went into shock a bit and began to cry and kept repeating 'she didn't deserve this' but I felt mostly OK, mainly because my Mum's DB (also has cancer) and DM (poor woman, 91 years old), and Mum's Cousin turned up, all managing a smile, and suddenly unbelievably bloody obvious thought occurred to me that we're actually not expected to do it alone; felt much better. Went to examine the coffin. Thought I'd completely freak out at the sight of it but I was proud of the basket and flowers I we had chosen for her. Sunflowers, of course, with pale lilac and mini yellow flowers all around it. It looked so natural and beautiful and I know she'd have loved them.
The car ride down was a bit hairy. I get horrific emetophobia when stressed and was convinced I'd need to throw myself out the car and vomit but thankfully managed not to. Held DFs hand the whole way as he was really crying by that point. It's nice how people bow their heads as you go past isn't it? Really respectful. Anyway we got there and there were hoards of people there, like really loads. First person I saw was my godson and my godson's Mum (they didn't know DM but I'm very close with them and went to their son's funeral last year). Had hugs all round then scuttled into church not looking at anyone. They played the music I picked (piano version of Heroes by David Bowie) and then the service was a bit of a blur. My Dad's best friend read our Eulogy for us - we'd written it all together and it had lots of touching bits in it and some laughs too. The Mum's DB gave a eulogy and her best friend too - both were lovely. Weirdly, the only bit I shed a few tears during was the vicars bit?? Wasn't expecting that. It was literally only two or three tears too; everyone else was weeping. They took the coffin away and popped it back in the car (wasn't upset then either because mad stupid brain was focused on thinking 'please god don't let the drop her' (is ridiculous, as clearly are trained funeral professionals not idiots). THEN when we got outside we expected everyone to head to the lovely pub over the road where the wake was being held - but they all wanted to come to the committal. So we said okay. Everyone walked the ten mins down the road to the cementry and we went in the smart funeral car. I saw ex-DP and my friend from the village on the way up and waved like mad. ExDP is a prize arse but I was very glad he came as he knew DM and they always got on well. Again I was scared that this was the bit I was going to get hysterical at but the weirdest thing happened. When we walked through the little gate into the cementary I realised it's one of the most calm and peaceful places I've ever been. It's on top of a hill with a lovely view and the whole place is extremely quiet and peaceful. So everyone gathered round, us at the front, DP holding on to me like he's worried I might hurl myself in the hole with her...the vicar says the 'ashes to ashes, dust to dust' bit (not horrific and morbid as expected but really quite moving and uplifting in a ceremonial way) and the funeral guy threw three handfuls of dirt into the hole (suspect he'd brought his own as the actual hole was thick with mud and clay - found self unaccountably wondering where they keep their special soil for flinging on coffins) then we picked up the sunflowers (marvelous idea of the florist's; she wrapped three sunflowers for me, DB and DF to put in the ground with DM) and put them in - except obviously is a long way down so rather than being gently laid made slightly undignified thumping sound which I think would have made DM laugh. That bit really seemed to make everyone wail. So then we stood quietly for a bit (the Vic had warned us no one will go until the family does, so we didn't want to hang about too long - also was bollocking freezing) but I went and peered down at the basket in the ground, still wasn't crying, but just in a curious way because I wanted to commit it to memory because I'd never see it again. Funny how you only get an hour or so to get attached to the coffin and then they take it away again.
So we all shuffled back to the pub, marvelous food and people all talking and throwing wine and sandwiches and brownies down their necks. Everyone seemed to want to hug me which was nice but also awkward. I'd made all these photo collages of Mum and put them all over the pub for people to look at which was v.nice and gave people who didn't know each other something to talk about. Dhousemate and two old friends from school showed up which just made me BURST with love. The two from school hadn't met DP before but they were nice to him and they all chatted while me and exDP shared a few words and memories.
I'm really spinning this out aren't I?? Sorry, it's cathartic to talk about it...
So eventually we get home; me and DP, DB and SIL, SIL's DM&DF, DF and DF's best friend...have a big dinner and lots of wine....then eventually it's just me, DP, DF and DF's Best Friend (who I adore and has known me since I was an egg) got smasharooed then and played poker til the wee hours - then finally in bed with DP the tears came; like really mad drunk tears because I was furious that I hadn't buried her with the blanket (see MUCH earlier posts) and how she's claustrophobic etc etc...
So good day well done, I think.
And I went back to work two days later. I was sort of pushed into this and I regret it as it's really taking it's toll now. Everything seems to have gone back to 'normal' with one obviously very shitty difference. In fact, after initially being good and giving me 2 months compassionate leave, work have now turned into dicks, saying I'm not allowed my remaining holiday days and not entitled to a bonus or pay rise this year as 'it was expensive to cover you while you were off' (even though they've kept the woman that was covering me on two days a week - what? Why? How??). And I didn't get the job at the other agency that I interviewed for. So it's all a bit merde and poo at the moment.And a whole bunch of other shite happened like exDP asking me for massive sums of money I don't have, more building repairs, generally gloominess...
And I've literally just now remembered why I felt compelled to ask for a handhold today...
I found a lump in the shower this morning. Boob lump, obvs, not a random lump in the shower (picturing jellyfish - boak!). It's probably nothing but as DM died of it and DM's DM had it, not to mention DF having had bowel cancer, Paternal Aunt leukemia and Maternal Uncle Pancreatic.....
Feel a bit shook. 