DS1 has died

[endofthelinefinally]

I tried everything to save him. He was 27.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.

I just feel like my pool of people I feel comfortable with is shrinking. I guess it is my problem. I can put a brave face on. I smile, socialise, turn up to events. I cope with weddings, funerals, and everything in between. I don't expect people to walk on eggshells. But it is when old friends come out with this stuff, I struggle.

It is pretty thoughtless when they know what you’ve been through. Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life about your feelings?

I do, yes. Sadly they are other bereaved mums. I guess they are the only people who understand. Life just changes in the blink of an eye and is never the same again.

Not the same at all, but my DS has SENs and the only other people who truly get it are other mums of DCs with similar conditions. We are drawn together even if we don’t have much else in common.

I am sending you all my love. I am so sorry. Your son was the luckiest boy in the world to have a mum like you x

Life just changes in the blink of an eye and is never the same again.

So true.

Sometimes I think only other beraved parents know 100% what you are truly feeling.

My mum says similar, @endofthelinefinally . Her pool of people has shrunk, too, and I think all the well-meaning but misplaced comparisons ("I understand because... <insert something slightly offensive as a comparator>") are hard to hear and make her feel much lonelier. I know also that my dad - who is the most incredible, loving dad, and beyond devastated by my sister's death - also feels at sea with the nature/pervasiveness of my mum's grief. It's not that he isn't feeling it every day in a different way, but he says he thinks her grief might be something only bereaved mums will ever know the nature of. Anyway, it sounds like you know other mums in similar situations already, but again what you're saying just chimes so closely and I think of you often.

Anyway. Sending love to you, as ever, and thinking about you and your son.

Hi there

My DS1 died too, at the end of 2019. We've "spoken" on MN before but I was posting under a different user name. I've taken a big break from Mumsnet for a while but I'm gradually taking a peek at posts now and then.

I've just read your latest post and resonated with everything you have said.

Hugs to you. Its an awful club to be in that no one wants to join.

I have really struggled this week. One of DS's friends is expecting a baby boy very soon and I am going to have to paste a smile on my face, again, when I just want to weep. It is never ending.

I’m sorry, my heart goes out to you.

horrible to see their lives moving on

hugs x

Of course I am happy for them. They are lovely, loyal people and among the group there are several little ones and I am genuinely very fond of them. I wish for happiness for them all.
It is just so hard to reconcile with the sadness I feel.

Sorry to hear of your struggles - it’s difficult when people just move on

@endofthelinefinally - it is just shit isn't it? When we lose a child, we not only grieve over the past memories, but also for the future - what could have been, what may have been, and what should have been. It is so fkg unfair. Of course, I am happy for other people and their children and the new life and memories they make - but it brings on an additional layer of pain for those who have lost a child. I often think that my life will always be tinged with sadness, and moments of pure unequivocal joy are no longer possible. The only respite is to seek and cling onto those fleeting moments of peace and distraction.

It is just so hard.
I occasionally meet mums of children who were at school with mine. Most of them have grandchildren now and of course they are delighted and happy to talk about them. I smile and nod and say how lovely it all is. Inside my heart is breaking. It has been 7 years now and I can't see it ever getting any easier.

It is that time of year again and I am so tired of coping.
Nothing more to say really, I just realised that this is it now, every day, every month, every year.

I am so sorry for your loss. Things sound so incredibly hard for you. I hope that you find moments of peace amongst the heartbreak.

I am so so sorry. I've been thinking about you. All my love to you and your family. (You know me from Messages, M)

Thank you both. Just feeling a bit down tonight.

Thinking of you. My heart goes out to you - it must be difficult. Are your family around you at this time?

Not this year. I am weary tbh. I will just get through the next few days as quietly as possible.

It’s not nice having to feel that you have to ‘push through’.

thinking of you

Huge love darling, very much in our thoughts as always but especially over these next few days xxxx

I’m sorry, these times of year are always so hard.

I remember that you used to find it helpful to light a candle for your DS. Would that help now?

I hope your other son and your daughter are ok.

A candle would be lovely, thank you.
My other DC have got good friends with them today.
DH and I will probably just go for a walk later.