DS1 has died

[endofthelinefinally]

I tried everything to save him. He was 27.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.

Hi, @endofthelinefinally, I've been thinking of you and am so sorry you're feeling so low. It must be so hard when your son's friends have children. You have lost so much already and it's inevitable you'll feel the loss of future grandchildren. I wouldn't worry about your daughter saying she doesn't want children - she's still very young and the thought must be far from her mind. You have a lovely family and I'm sure when she's older she'll want to replicate that. I'm really sorry your son is suffering so badly and that help hasn't been available this last year for you or him.

Thank you for that lovely post. Life is very up and down at the moment. I suppose it is for everyone.

For some so much more than others, though. And to not be able to access mental health services during a pandemic is particularly tough. The thought of other lives carrying on as normal when yours has been shattered must be so tough. You've gone through the very worst thing that can happen and no wonder you look at others and feel envious. Anyone would. Life can be so cruel and unfair. I wouldn't torment yourself by thinking your daughter won't go on to have children, though. I know it was the last thing on my mind at her age and just a few years later I was desperate to get pregnant.

Sorry to hear you are down. It must be difficult seeing your son’s peers go through milestones that you had hoped that your son would have gone through. Sorry to hear about your other son’s mental health - it has been very difficult this past 15 months, with no access to counsellors - hopefully with us coming out of lockdown, he get get the help he needs. As far as your daughters wishes regarding children are concerned, I will echo Hollow’s sentiments - I was very much against children at a young age, but I came round later in life.

Have you managed to access counselling - you were trying to sort some out and then lockdown appeared.

Life is up and down for most, but more up and down for others. You have been through unimaginable situation,, it is no wonder you are sad.

Big hugs to you ❤️

Thank you for your kind words.
I should be coping better by now, but it has been a tough year for all of us.
The fall out is like ripples in a pond.
None of us will get over it.
Our lives are changed forever and I suppose we just have to keep on keeping on.
I haven't made any progress on counselling. Everyone else's needs have to come first.
My physical health is not good. I am waiting for treatment for chronic pain now. I am still having tests, scans etc. I think I am just broken.
There are no quick fixes.

Thinking of you

Hope you have got some help with your chronic pain.

There is no ‘should be coping’ - you cope how you cope, allow yourself that.

Another Christmas. I hate it.

Is there any chance you can have quiet Christmas this year?

❤️

Yes. We will just stay home. I was isolating last year anyway,(immunosuppressed) so we will do the same this year. We treat it as an ordinary day. The rest of the family are back to normal and that is ok. They want to celebrate with their own DC and grand children. I just find it so hard. I don't want to, can't bear to, join in. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I can't be the spectre at the feast.

Hey @Endofthelinefinally just wanted to say I hear you. I find this time of year hard too. Surrounded by celebrations and no one seems to realise dd1 is no longer here. I have no advice but wanted to say you’re not alone in this and send an unmumsnetty hug.

And to you Rrrob. Thank you. It doesn't get any easier does it.

Some people are so tactless. It has been a difficult week with a couple of DS's friends getting married, having babies, moving on with successful careers and so on. I am happy for them and always put on a brave face.
I met someone last week who made me feel absolutely awful and brought back all the distress and regret that I have spent nearly 6 years trying to manage. I can't even bring myself to repeat it all, but it has really set me back. Another person to cross off the list of people I thought were friends.

So sorry to hear of your continued distress, and having the wounds ripped open again. I found this quote’Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is deciding forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body’. Your heart has been assaulted again by your so called friend. So very sorry ❤️❤️Xx

Thank you Yorkshirebornandbread.
It is just wearing. Every day is a challenge and sometimes I am just not prepared for somebody to make it harder. I gear up for things I know will be difficult, like weddings, funerals, birthdays etc, but it is the unexpected things that are hard.

I meant to add, I would like to light a candle for your son, but, if you feel this inappropriate, please let me know xx

Oh bless you. Thank you so much. I light candles for him on his birthday and his anniversary, and frequently in between. I always appreciate so much when someone lights one for him. It means a lot.

It will be an honour xx

Hi @endofthelinefinally I lit a candle in front of the Sacred Heart statue for your precious son today. May he be at rest in eternal peace xx

Just thinking of you, @endofthelinefinally , and of your DS.

Hope you're getting some days, or some moments, of relative mental peace.

You don't know me, but I think of you often. My sister died, at the same age as your son, at almost exactly the same time, and in (from what you've said) quite a similar way. I have an incredible mum, who tried absolutely everything to help my sister. How you write about your grief is very similar to how my mum speaks about hers.

I just wanted to send you my love.

Thank you BirdsofFeathers. That is so kind and thoughtful. I wish peace for you and your mum too.

Thinking of you @endofthelinefinally especially at this time of year.

as @BirdsOfFeathers says I hope you are getting some moments of mental peace.

at one time you were thinking of some counselling. BUt it was covid times - did you follow up?

💐

Thank you Ilovellamasandpenguins.
Once again the counselling has gone to the bottom of the list. I don't think I will go down that road after all tbh. Everyone else has needed more support than me and it has been another really tough year.
We just keep putting one foot in front of the other and helping each other through it.
My good friends have been rock solid though and all the people who have been a source of worse distress are fading into the back ground. I am lucky to have a few good friends who care and they are a real blessing.
As usual, the support on this board has been a great help.

I’m relieved that you have good friends inreal life and that they understand and are of comfort to you. Counselling isn’t for everyone and it’s not like they are going to wave a magic wand and make it better.

I hope your other children are OK.

I am so tired.
According to a friend I spoke to today, positive thinking is the answer to everything. I admire her, she has been through a lot, including cancer.
I am trying, I really am. But it is so hard and I miss my son so much.

I’m sorry, I haven’t experienced similar bereavement so I can only imagine what you have been and are still going through but I can see why people saying things like that must be very hard to take