DS1 has died

[endofthelinefinally]

I tried everything to save him. He was 27.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.

This is the 4th Christmas. I miss him so much.

The DC have just said they wsnt to do christmas lunch. I don't think I can face it.
They have both met partners and are feeling more positive about life. Which is great, but I am not ready.
Don't know what to do now.

Hope you got through Christmas, everybody is meant to be happy, but sometimes you just can’t do it. Hope you had some time to think of your son, but also sought comfort from the happiness from your children. Easy to say - thoughts are with you💐

We got through it. It was difficult. I expect DS2's gf thought we were a bit subdued, but we went somewhere quiet and had lunch. Just got to get through tonight, then DS1's birthday.
DS1's best friend has just become a dad. I am happy for him, but it is so painful.

it’s not fair, everyone moves on and you just want to stand still, forever.
It is something that you carry forever, and it feels like you carry it alone🌷.

Thank you Ilovellamas.
I really appreciate your kindness.

Hi OP

You responded on my thread about my DS1 who tragically died on 6th December 2019.

Ive just read your thread and although I am only 4 weeks in, I related to every single word you wrote. Obviously at the moment, I can only relate to the very early days.

Our situations sound so similar. 😢

“it’s not fair, everyone moves on and you just want to stand still, forever.” THIS.

I’m so sorry.

I hit another really low point this week.
I had to find something in his room, I picked up one of his books and realised that he had put a bookmark in about 5 chapters in.
It just broke my heart all over again, the fact that he didn't finish reading his book.
So stupid compared to everything else, but I cried all day over it.

It's not stupid. It's a mother's unconditional and everlasting love for her boy. Maybe you could read the book and let him know how it ends?

I wish I could! It is all about global economics, banking and capitalism.
He was much cleverer than me.

He had so much to contribute.

I echo Headless - it’s not stupid in any way. You carry this with you all the time. There are bound to be lots of times when you just feel overwhelmingly sad as opposed to just being sad.

Sounds a very clever book.

Thinking of you🌷

Thank you.
I am so, so tired, trying to put on a brave face all the time.

Do people around you know how you are feeling? Is there any chance of having a bit of time (and I mean days) to yourself without the hassle of day to day life - sometimes that helps - you don’t have to pretend to anyone and gives you a bit of breathing space for your heart and your head. It may help and then again it may not help.

I am going to start counselling. I just feel overwhelmed with everything. I have got so much on my plate atm, none of it within my control and I can't cope with it all.

Hopefully, the counsellor will be someone who you can be your ‘true self’ with. I went to counselling (not specific to bereavement) as I had no one else to go to and didn’t want to drag everyone down with how I was feeling, as I just ‘stood still’ and everyone moved on. She was the only one who I felt I could be myself with. I hope it goes well

I never got to the counsellor because of lockdown.
It's coming up to 4 years now. I thought I was getting a bit better, but finding distraction difficult now I can't go out.
DS2 is still really struggling, but there is no help for him either.
It is hard to see a way forward.
It is just really hard.

I’m so sorry to hear this. Lockdown is difficult for so many but it must be doubly hard when you have so much time to reflect. Does your counsellor offer phone or Skype consultations although that might not be appropriate for an initial meeting? 💐

I just don't feel comfortable with online or phone.
I did have 6 phone sessions via CRUSE, right at the beginning, with a volunteer.
She was lovely, but she hadn't lost a child.
It's not that I don't feel enormous sympathy for everyone who is bereaved, I have lost a sibling and both my parents. But this pain is unbearable.

He loved the sunshine.
I miss him so much.

Hello Endof - sorry you are having a rubbish time.

It’s a shame the counselling didn’t pan out - sometimes it may be helpful ,if the counsellor hasn’t lost a child So they can be more objective. There may be support groups near you - maybe the CAB could lead you to one when things go back to normal (whenever that will be), so at least you are talking to people who have been through what you have.

Being at home more can make us dwell on our sad times, especially if he enjoyed the sunshine.

My thoughts are with you

Thank you. I have bad days sometimes. Today was one of those.

I thought of you today when I saw an old post of yours elsewhere, kindly offering some support to someone.

Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts 💐

Almost 4 years.
It is still so raw.
We can't even be together as a family this year because of Covid.