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Original poster

DS1 has died

729 replies

endofthelinefinally · 29/08/2016 22:25

I tried everything to save him. He was 27.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.

OP posts:
MerryInthechelseahotel · 20/04/2019 20:49

I hope you are both ok endofthelinefinally and WatcherOfTheNight thinking of you both ThanksThanks

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 30/04/2019 20:31

Awful day today.
Just haven't got the energy.
It doesn't get any easier.
Got my friend's funeral this week.
DH is coping so much better than me.
Everyone seems to be coping better than me.

OP posts:
minmooch · 01/05/2019 12:55

Oh endof please be gentle on yourself. You are coping the only way you know and what is right for you.

Others may appear to be coping better but maybe they are just better at hiding that they are not.

That said do you think you may need extra help? Counselling? Something extra that could help you cope in a way that you feel more comfortable with? Please ask for help if you think you need it.

Is there anything you can do that distracts your mind? I work 5 days a week now. Sometimes it's too much but I know that if I spend too much time on my own during the day I'm not so good. I have too much time to think. So for me keeping busy gives me a rest as I don't think too much about what happened.

Strangely being on my own in the evening is not a problem for me. It's daytime that I need to be distracted.

Go gently on yourself. Some days you just have to allow yourself to sink in to the grief. Let the waves roll over you. Stop fighting it and you may feel the waters calm after a while and you can float for a bit. Xx

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 01/05/2019 21:17

Thank you minmooch.
If I was well I might do better I guess. I had a difficult hospital appointment that made me feel a bit down.
I can't do much, which is frustrating.
My friends are good to me so I am fortunate in that respect.
I was hoping to be told no more investigations but have to have another MRI. It is tiring.
I slept all afternoon yesterday.
I am weary.

OP posts:
Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 31/05/2019 15:18

Started clearing and tidying his room.
It is so hard.

OP posts:
MerryInthechelseahotel · 31/05/2019 16:17

Can you do it slowly endof just a couple of minutes a day? I'm sorry if this would be worse. I can't think of how hard this must be for you 💐

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 31/05/2019 18:11

It really is time we cleared it and give it a coat of paint.
I need to sort out his clothes, tidy up remaining paperwork.
It has got to the stage where not sorting it out is upsetting me more than actually going through it, IYSWIM.
It is heart breaking all over again, but it seems disrespectful not to tidy it up for him.
I think he would want me put things in order.

OP posts:
Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 27/06/2019 00:01

Now his friends are having babies.
I am happy for them. But still heartbroken.
It is never going to end.

OP posts:
Londongirl07 · 27/06/2019 00:08

I am so so sorry for your loss words can’t describe what you must be going through. My thoughts are with you

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 27/06/2019 01:00

Thank you. I miss him so much.

OP posts:
cavalier · 28/06/2019 21:20

I am so sorry too .... I send a big cyber hug
My son lost his friend in a fire age 11 18 years ago and I will never forget his funeral and watching and hearing his mother’s grief ... also my mothers and fathers grief with my dear Sister died 19 years ago .... thinking of you .... He is with you always ... but I know you want him in the real world x

GuineaPigPosie · 30/06/2019 15:55

I saw you mention this thread on another thread and came here to read. My heart is so broken for you and your lovely family. I know there's nothing I can say to make anything feel any easier but you've been on my mind all day. I'm so so sorry for your loss.

My counsellor told me a while ago that grief starts off by consuming your whole life, it's everywhere you go, everything you do. Your whole world is darkened by the grief. Eventually, over a long, long period of time, your world starts to open up again. The grief is still there and it will always be the same size - but your world gets bigger. Things get easier. It will take a long time, years and years and years and years, you never move past it but it'll feel easier. You'll be able to look at pictures of him and think of the fond memories you have of him. Don't beat yourself up - grief is normal and natural and necessary. There is no time limit whatsoever for your grief, nobody should ever be pressuring you to 'move on'. My heart is aching for you all. I really am so so sorry. Sending love and hugs for you OP Flowers 💗

TenDays · 09/07/2019 22:07

How very awful, I'm sorry.

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 12/07/2019 19:53

Thank you both for your kind words.
I just get through one day at a time.
It is nearly 3 years now.
I try not to look ahead because it takes so much effort to get through each day.

OP posts:
Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 12/07/2019 19:54

Sorry, that should have said thank you all.

OP posts:
Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 21/07/2019 19:41

Almost three years. I am struggling. I guess it is still sinking in.

OP posts:
Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 31/08/2019 19:51

3 years on. I miss him so much.
Sad

OP posts:
QOD · 02/09/2019 05:42

I’m so sorry. It’s just not fair

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 19/09/2019 18:28

We had a lovely get together with his friends and all the friends who have cared about us and supported us over the last 3 years.
He would have loved to see them all.
He was always the life and soul of the party.
He would have been so happy about the weddings and the babies that have been born.
All the things he should have had.

OP posts:
QOD · 21/09/2019 07:55

💔

Fifteenthnamechange · 01/10/2019 20:58

I've just read this thread @endofthelinefinally & I'm so sorry for your son dying. I suppose your grief endures because your love endures. Nothing like a mother's love? It made me think of this poem:

I would do just about anything you'd ask,
For you there's nothing I wouldn't do, there's no such task.

I would walk without my shoes to the end of the Earth,
I would give up anything I had to, to teach you self worth.

I would hold your hand every minute of every day,
But I won't because I know you need to find your own way.

I would surely bear the heartache of your first love that's real,
Even though I can't, I will naturally feel as you feel.

I would sell my soul if it would keep you happy forever,
I would give my right arm to keep us forever together.

I would run a hundred miles up-hill in the rain,
Just to guarantee that you will never feel pain.

I would laugh with you even if I was sad,
I will give you a smile even if I'm mad.

I can only accept your mistakes with a grin on my face,
I will guide you in correcting them, but at your own pace.

I will guide you through life, as this world can get quite wild,
Just don't you ever forget that you will always be my child.

DS1 will always be your child Thanks

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 01/10/2019 22:21

Thank you. That is a lovely poem.
I miss him every day.

OP posts:
percheron67 · 01/10/2019 22:23

I do hope you are not on your own. You are in my prayers.

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 01/10/2019 22:37

I am fortunate to have family and a few good friends.
DS2 and DD don't live at home now, but they are ok and visit frequently.
DH and I just take one day at a time.
Everything changes when you lose a child. I will never be the person I was.

OP posts:
CondeNasty · 03/10/2019 00:16

I've just read your thread and I am so sorry. I wish I could say something to bring you comfort but those words don't exist. Our children are a part of us always, losing a child loses a part of us. Grief doesn't get better, it just gets easier to cope with, although it is always present. Some days it is back full force as if no time has passed. Please try and be kind to yourself. I wish I could reach through and hug you right now, take a piece of your grief and lessen the burden. I am so so sorry for your loss.