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Bereavement

DS1 has died

725 replies

endofthelinefinally · 29/08/2016 22:25

I tried everything to save him. He was 27.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.

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Ilovellamasandpenguins · 26/08/2020 22:32

Thinking of you endoftheline

It’s a particularly rubbish year - are you with anyone over this difficult time?

Did you have any further counselling - difficult with lockdown.

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endofthelinefinally · 26/08/2020 22:48

Just me and DH.
The dc are far away and can't travel.
Counselling didn't happen due to Covid.
I have been shielding and not very well, so it hasn't been easy.

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Ilovellamasandpenguins · 26/08/2020 23:06

That’s rubbish. Hope yourDH can talk to you about your son and can relive memories with you. Will your children contact and talk with you?

Sometimes if people talk to with you about your son, you won’t feel like you are going through this alone.

💐

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endofthelinefinally · 26/08/2020 23:27

We will skype.

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Ilovellamasandpenguins · 27/08/2020 16:48

I know Skyping is not the same as talking to people face to face.

Are you planning anything as a family to remember your son?

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endofthelinefinally · 27/08/2020 17:46

We have always had a gathering of family and friends, but due to Covid we can't do that this year.
I haven't really arranged anything. The Dc have already said we will at least skype each other, more than that I don't know.
I have had a terrible time health wise this year, only leaving the house to go to hospital. Somehow we will just get through it.
I do appreciate your kindness in responding on this thread.
I have had a couple of PMs from MNers too, which means a lot.

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Ilovellamasandpenguins · 30/08/2020 21:06

Hope you are OK today. I hope Skyping your family helped get you through this difficult time and that you had some time to remember your son together.

💐

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endofthelinefinally · 15/09/2020 09:58

We got through it.
I had about a week of really bad nightmares, but that is getting better now. I suppose it will get easier as the years go by.
I was sad that only a handful of his friends contacted me, but I know that they need to get on with their lives and that is how it should be.
In some ways, the fact that Covid kept us all apart has forced me to accept that others have moved on.

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Ilovellamasandpenguins · 16/09/2020 22:05

It’s awful when others move on and you are just still so sad. Youngsters tend to move on better, but it’s us parents that forever feel the loss. They say time heals, but I’m not so sure.

💐 to you.

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endofthelinefinally · 16/09/2020 22:15

Ilovellamas
You have been so kind and you don't even know me. I appreciate that so much.
I am still dealing with so much.
Thank you.

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HolaVida · 06/10/2020 21:20

@Endofthelinefinally, thanks so much for sharing your journey with us. I’m so sorry. This is not the way life was supposed to be.
Sending much love xx

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endofthelinefinally · 07/10/2020 11:30

Perhaps my experience will be some help to others.

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Ilovellamasandpenguins · 07/10/2020 11:57

Hope you are OK endof - have you managed to see a counsellor yet?

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endofthelinefinally · 07/10/2020 12:21

Not yet. My physical health has deteriorated again and I have been in and out of hospital a lot over the last few weeks. I can only deal with a small number of things at a time.
Just plodding on.
DS2 has been through a very bad time so trying to support him. He is doing better now. I know he worries a lot about me so I am trying to put a brave face on.
Thank you for asking.

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Ilovellamasandpenguins · 08/10/2020 19:31

Sorry to hear of your illnesses, mental health can effect physical health.

Hope your DS2 is OK, it must be difficult to put a brave on, especially with Christmas round the corner.

Hope you get to a counsellor soon.

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endofthelinefinally · 20/11/2020 22:30

I have been sorting out a few more things. Put all the books on a new book case. Washed a box of clothes that I missed first time round. I just put them all away again. Don't know what else to do with them.
DS2 and DD have both moved hundreds of miles away.
I don't know what to do now.
Lock down makes it all so much worse.

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Fleetheart · 21/11/2020 09:17

@Endofthelinefinally, I’m sorry you are having a hard time. Lockdown does make it so much worse. I saw your posts from when you started posting. I wanted to say how very very sorry I am, and also share that your posts have helped me. One of the things that you said once is that you would have told everyone and asked for as much help as you could. My son is 16, he has ADHD, he is continually taking all sorts of drugs and getting himself into bad situations. I have asked and asked for as much help as I can get; he is still crazy, but none of it is secret. I hope somewhere down the line it will help. It’s impossible to steer him completely though so I live on my nerves very often. Thank you so much for sharing and I truly hope that things become easier for you and your family x x

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endofthelinefinally · 21/11/2020 09:34

Fleetheart,
Yes, keep asking, share with friends and family. You might actually get some help as your son is 16. Once they are 18, nobody will talk to you.
I am so sorry. It is a nightmare, isn't it.

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endofthelinefinally · 26/11/2020 21:19

I just found one of his poems. I will print it and frame it. I had forgotten about it. He used to send me bits and pieces of his writing. He used to do a newsletter for investors. He was writing teaching material and a text book, but he wrote some lovely poetry. Such a waste.

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Fleetheart · 27/11/2020 13:46

It is such a waste. Printing it and framing it sounds a lovely idea. I think it’s important to have visible tangible reminders like that.

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endofthelinefinally · 13/03/2021 12:43

Another of his school friends has had a baby. They look such a happy little family. I have congratulated them and am happy for them, but my heart breaks a bit more whenever I am reminded of what is lost and the future DS1 doesn't have.
Sad

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Ilovellamasandpenguins · 25/03/2021 21:57

I can imagine It is very sad when you see his peers living their life and then you wonder what your son would be doing now.

I also know how hard it is to congratulate people but be cracking up inside.

Big hugs to you, it must be difficult, it just never goes away does it? A child’s life lost is never forgotten.

❤️💐 - thinking of you

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endofthelinefinally · 28/03/2021 20:25

Thank you. It will be 5 years this year. I miss him so much.

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Popsy321 · 28/03/2021 21:44

The passage of time is just awful. It softens the edges ever so slightly but it also takes you further and further away from them. I'm so sorry this happened, so very sorry 💐

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endofthelinefinally · 09/05/2021 15:03

Just found out that yet another of DS1's friends has had a baby. I feel sad every time it happens, but this has really hit me hard. I think I am beginning to realise that having grand children is something important to me and that I need to accept that it might never happen.
DS2 is still suffering badly with his mental health. I think this is going to be a permanent thing now.
DD is much younger and atm doesn't feel she wants to have children, ever. My fear is that I will be too ill/demented/dead even, by the time she is of an age to change her mind.
I know it is selfish, but I am so envious of all my friends who have grand children.
I am not articulating this very well. I suppose it is just another thing to feel sad about.

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