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Bereavement

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Original poster

DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

981 replies

RubbishMantra · 04/08/2015 03:16

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

OP posts:
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cozietoesie · 04/08/2015 10:45

Hope you managed some rest.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/08/2015 10:50

Love and thoughts, Mantra.
Wish I could put my arms around you and you little guys, but instead I will send you all the hugest virtual hug ever (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))

captainproton · 04/08/2015 10:56

Rubbishmantra, I am so sorry for your loss. It's been just over 4 years since my mother died of an OD. I can understand where you are at. For me I felt a lot of anger and also grief all rolled into one. It's hard for some who have not been touched by suicide to understand. But I and many on here do understand and it's an awful club to be part of.

((HUGS)) Flowers

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/08/2015 10:58

Am so very sorry Mantra

Am still reeling from such a loss last year.
My sister's dear boy

It is such a hard road for survivors of loss by suicide. But there is light
at times on the long journey and much kindness from those along the way x

DoorToTheRiver · 04/08/2015 10:59

Oh Mantra I am so sorry for your loss, I hope you managed some sleep.

One of my best friends tried to commit suicide, fortunately he was found in time but it was awful and I can't imagine how you must be feeling. If it's any comfort my friend did say it was no reflection on anyone in his life or a desire to leave anyone, but entirely down to his state of mind at the time. He just wanted to escape the demons in his head.

Big hugs to you.

gingerchick · 04/08/2015 11:03

So so sorry sweetheart, thinking of you at this terrible time lots of love xxx

dreamingofblueskies · 04/08/2015 11:13

So so sorry to hear this, I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

Hope you draw some strength from your kitties and your sister arrives soon. Xxx

BagelwithButter · 04/08/2015 11:35

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss Mantra

Mental health is such a fragile thing, please be kind to yourself in the coming days, weeks and months.

Please use all/any of the help that is around, there are many people you can talk to, when you have the strength, who may just be able to help a little bit.

Sending you hugs

Corygal · 04/08/2015 11:51

Oh Mantra darling, what a terrible shock for you. I am so very sorry. Will be thinking of you - please try and get some rest for now. Darling girl, you will recover from this, but just try and take it easy.

Answers will come, but there's no chasing them at the moment. What is certain is that he didn't leave you on purpose - in his mind he was just going somewhere else. Eat, sleep, and be with the kitties.

Queenbean · 04/08/2015 11:53

I'm so sorry for your loss. You have a long and difficult road ahead of you but you will be ok, I promise

FlowersFlowersFlowers

Caryam · 04/08/2015 12:03

SOBS are a charity set up specifically to support people who lose someone through suicide, it is different. They are very good with both a phone line, and physical meetings.

acatcalledjohn · 04/08/2015 12:08

Oh Mantra, you poor love. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. My DP suffers from MH problems, but is in control. I have nothing really to offer in terms of help, but wanted to at least say I am thinking of you.

Glad you have MCats keeping you company. What would we do without them, eh? Nuzzles from JohnCat and his sister too.

DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.
DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.
PageNotFound404 · 04/08/2015 12:10

I'm so incredibly sorry to read this, Mantra. I was nearly where you are but DH was found in time.

Your DH will almost certainly have thought he was doing the best thing he could for you, by removing himself as the "burden" that he felt he had become to you and freeing you up to fulfil your life's potential without him dragging you down (I'm paraphrasing his likely thought process). It's so difficult to overcome this mindset and so frustrating that it's probably the exact opposite of how you felt about him. I know that's unlikely to be much comfort to you right now, but in his warped-perception way he almost certainly thought he was trying to be kind to you, not trying to hurt you.

Take care of yourself and keep your cats close. There's endless support for you to draw on here - please use us, any any RL support you can too.

Flowers
purplepandas · 04/08/2015 12:12

I am so very sorry Mantra. My sister is widowed and has found WAY to be of huge support. They have a FB group (closed) and other support. Perhaps you can have a look when you feel able to. www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/

Sending much love, your boys sound beautiful.

motherinferior · 04/08/2015 12:17

I'm so very sorry.

Zebraface · 04/08/2015 12:20

Sorry to hear of your loss Mantra.

Look after yourself..and your boys, (()) hugs as no access to emoticons.

SlaggyIsland · 04/08/2015 12:25

I am so sorry. It's not fair. Sending you love.

Corygal · 04/08/2015 12:25

One of the people I loved best in the world died like your DH. He wasn't medicated properly and in 24 hours went downhill and died. I've never seen his death as suicide, to be honest. Technically it was, but for him it was the same as being on the road driving along and having a stroke and crashing the car into a wall - your brain goes wrong and the consequences kill you.

Was it avoidable? Well, you think at first it was. Except that evidently it wasn't because he didn't have a choice in his actions. No one who commits suicide under the influence of depression does - and especially no one who is subject to the volcanic changes in mood and coherence that med changes bring so horrifyingly suddenly.

We raged with shock and horror for some time. But three years on, I see it as sudden death from brain failure, not as a choice to walk out and die.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. If I can tell you one thing, it's this - after the funeral, stop trying to cope. Stop Trying to Cope.

The cats will keep you going enough - just get people around you if you want them and keep eating and sleeping. That's enough. Be very, very kind to yourself for some time.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 04/08/2015 12:30

Oh Mantra, I'm so very sorry. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through but I'm sending you and Mcats lots of love from Harry and I Thanks

Archfarchnad · 04/08/2015 12:33

I'm so so sorry Mantra, for you and your two lads. We've lost two family members over the years to suicide and it leaves a horrific gap in everyone's lives. Auryanne has it just about right (sorry for your loss too, Auryanne):

"Grieve your own way, in your own time, there are no right or wrong ways to grieve. Embrace sadness, anger, shock, fear, and whatever comes to you. Talk to your DH. Scream at him. Cry for him. You are right to feel angry, you are right to feel however you feel. It is unfair, it is shit, it is absolutely fucking crap."

You've often spoken on Litter Tray about how Little Monsieur has a real gift for comforting people, I hope he can offer you that comfort now (rather than being a teenage dickhead) - and you for him. MCat was originally your DH's cat, right?

I agree that contacting SOBS would be a good move, if you feel up to it. Are his family giving practical help with the formalities and organising etc? It can be good having emotionally restrained people around sometimes if they take on all the official stuff and thus leave you the space to grieve as you wish.

Wishing you strength!

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 04/08/2015 13:29

Such sadness Flowers sending strength and hugs too x

gatewalker · 04/08/2015 13:29

Mantra, I am so sorry. You are all in my thoughts Flowers

RabidFairy · 04/08/2015 13:51

So sorry for you Mantra
Post as often as you want or need to. We're here. Flowers

insanityscatching · 04/08/2015 13:54

I'm so sorry for your loss, df lost his brother through suicide and he said it was the hardest loss of all. Thinking of you Flowers

BettyCatKitten · 04/08/2015 13:59

I'm very sad for your loss Mantra.
Big hugs to you and your lovely cats Flowers