Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

[mummylin2495]

Hope you will all find this, didn't realise old one was at the end !

[chickennoodle]

I would go & speak to him too mummylin, but I do talk to anyone sometimes just a few minutes of small talk could make the difference to him/her ... or that's my theory anyway !!! any news ssd? x

[ssd]

yes just in chicken, he done great, is really pleased so me and dh are delighted for him. (just wish my mum and dad were here to see him) x

[mummylin2495]

I'm torn because I don't want to intrude, but on the other hand it's very upsetting to see him. He has played music to her before as well, that's when we first saw him and it was the same music we had at mums funeral which of course upset me as mum had only just been buried.
Well done to your ds ssd.
Ps to ssd . Dh has only just recieved his ticket for sats game. They will not recieve their season tickets until next week, apparently all the admin is right up the creek and dh was getting edgy because ticket for the first game hadn't arrived ! So here we go again for another season !

[Baddz]

Lin....there is a grave of a 14 year old boy near my dad.
A few months ago his mum was draped over it crying.
I so wanted to go to her, hug her...anything.
But what could I say?
Poor, poor woman.
His headstone is up now and it is beautiful. If I see her again I am going to speak to why and tell her what a wonderful memorial it is to her son.
Electrolux...I felt the same after dads funeral. I think it's totally normal. Very difficult though.
Sorry, haven't read the full thread, things here as fraught as usual!
Love to all x

[chickennoodle]

we're all in the same boat ... grieving, maybe the random people you guys see crying, would really like someone to talk to we all know how hard it is when everyone else has "forgotten" & moving on while we're still in pieces ... having someone to talk to or listen to us is a life saver xxx but I am a big softie for being extra nice to people lol x

[Bonkers1]

Hello to all of you. I just wanted to write a few feelings down as I think it may help me.

I lost my Dad on Saturday. He'd been rushed into hospital a few days earlier with breathing difficulties and he just never recovered. I thought he would recover, he was in the best place for that but for some reason my strong fit an healthy dad couldn't fight whatever it was that got him. I never in a million years imagined that he'd never come out of hospital alive. Apparently it was multiple blood clots in the lungs we found out yesterday.

I can't stand it. I just can't stand the pain. It hits me in waves of absolute wrenching grief and I can't get my head around losing him so suddenly. He was 66, not old by any means, still active, a fun grampy to his 9 grandchildren, they idolised him. He was my rock, I ran things by him all the time and looked forward to our weekly Friday evenings together. He made me laugh. It is just not fair.

I've been with my mum and siblings ever since. My own DH and 2 DDs have been amazing and we're all talking and grieving openly. But, today I'm just so flat. I'm looking at his photos and it's like he's already a memory and that is breaking my heart as I feel as though he's slipping away. I don't know if I'm making any sense.

[supermariossister]

you are making sense but it wouldn't matter if you weren't we have all been in your situation and know too well the disbelief that this can't be happening. I am sorry for the loss of your dad, and for his dgc too grampy sounds a fun name for a much loved man. I am very glad you have the support of your dh and dds, as you said things are very raw and will be, I am very sure by your description that your dad knew how much loved he is. there is always someone here to talk too we pop by often so feel free to chat here.

[Bonkers1]

Thank you Supermariossister.

I think I'm going to go to bed now and pretend for a while that he's still alive and hopefully dream about him.

I am going to miss him so much, I don't want to contemplate a life without him but there's no way out of this. It's happening and I have to deal with it.

I thought I'd have another 20 years or so with him yet, that he'd be elderly and ready to die. I'm so tired now, grief is exhausting.

[mummylin2495]

Hello bonkers sorry that you have had to join this thread. I imagine you are in a complete turmoil at the moment. Besides your grief you are probably in deep shock , which in itself is awful.
I think the first few days are an absolute nightmare and we just can't take it in that it's actually happened. In the morning you wake and just for a second everything is normal, then bang it instantly comes flooding back, yes it's real.
It's nice to see that you have Rl support, so many do not , and that will help you get through this very sad time. It is a heartbreaking time, and not one I would wish on anyone. It's unbearable pain.
But in saying that with support you can get through this. It's not easy at all and it will be a while until you learn to accept what has happened, you will probably go over the day your dad died in your mind, but this is normal.
You won't believe it now, but eventually things start to improve, you obviously will never forget , but you will be able to look back and smile at some of the things you and your dad did, without dissolving into tears.
For now take each day as it comes, that's enough to cope with.
Always someone to answer you here when you need to chat. Take care.

[Baddz]

Bonkers...my own dear dad was just 67 so I can empathise with your feelings of "it was too soon".
I'm so sorry for your loss.
It's been 2 years now and as far as I am concerned my dad is still very much a part of my family and a part of my life. It's just his physical presence that's gone. I talk to him. So do the kids. We talk about him, and remember the good times...but that takes time.
It such early days for you, and the pain and shock is still great.
Everything you are feeling is normal.
Take care x

[Bonkers1]

Hi mummylin, I can't believe I'm writing on threads like this but thank you for starting it as it really helps.

I'm dreading the funeral next Wednesday but I know from going thru this with DH's parents' death that it does help and it's a form of closure although right now I don't want closure. I'm also dreading going back to work as I have a full on marketing job and I can't imagine having to concentrate on anything, it all seems so irrelevent and superficial.

Baddz, your words are comforting and reassuring. Actually just knowing that some people understand and empathise helps. It kind of off-loads the grief a little.

[Grumpyoldblonde]

Bonkers1 I am in the same horrid boat as you, one week ago mine went, same as you, I don't feel much yet as I am looking after my mum and being stretched this way and that with kids, work etc, I don't have time for my own feelings just yet. The reality of what we have lost is too much to take in just now.

[SheepAreSuper]

Bonkers I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad.

I lost my mom nearly 3 weeks ago at 56 in similar circumstances (in that it was totally unexpected).
While it's all still very raw, it's helped me a lot to deal with and talk about things very factually and I've found myself doing it almost constantly to anyone who is happy to listen.

We held her funeral a week ago. Between her passing and the funeral I busied myself with some of the practical stuff and rummaging through hoards of photos to create a memory book.
I'm now back at work in a high pressure it job the first day was most definitely the hardest but I'm on day 3 and I'm coping.

That's just my experience. Importantly we all deal with grief differently and I've seen that with myself and my siblings this last few weeks. I'm just taking each day as it comes, doing things when I feel ready and taking time to remember how wonderful she was.

Take care of yourself x

[Baddz]

I think for me it was just so busy...sadly my mum had a heart attack the same day dad died (they call it broken heart syndrome :() so things were incredibly stressful and worrying. My sister was abroad on holiday and too, and it took her a few days to get home.
It was awful, looking back on it. I don't really know how I kept going.
But I did. And so will you. When people we love need us, we find the strength from somewhere.
Thinking of all the new comers to the thread.
Such sad sad times for you all x

[mummylin2495]

sheep Bonkers and grumpy I really feel for you all! I know how awful the first few days and weeks are. My mum too died unexpectedly and my brain refused to believe that it had hapoened, I could not work it out at all, in my first few awful days I blamed the hospital for not saving her etc, but realistically I'm sure they did everything possible.But the shock came out in a physical way for me, my legs would not work properly and I actually had a real ache in my heart.this went off after a couple of weeks. I also for the first time ever in my life wanted to join her at that time. Luckily that soon passed too.
Our lives on this thread change forever, and the more time goes past, it is longer since we last saw our loved ones.
One of the worst things is when you have to say "I lost my mum / dad last year instead of months ago. It hurts.
But with support from others on this thread who have now been here quite a while and my siblings and friends I got through it. Of course certain things still make me feel very sad and I will always love and miss her, but I can cope better now.
I'm sure at times for you newly bereaved you don't think you will ever recover, but you will with support.
One thing a few of us found is that people you thought would be there for you, aren't. This is very hurtful as are the people who think in a couple of weeks you will " be over it " that too is hurtful.
Thinking of you all at this sad time.
Hi badvoc you had a terrible time of it what with everything else in your family, but hopefully things have now got better for you.i too remember that day and I was so sad for you x

[Baddz]

It's been a roller coaster for sure Lin!

[Sparkygal]

Missing my mum

8 months now, and it still seems so recent - I just ache for her. My heart actually feels sore when I think about the loss we have had and a future without her. She was such a kind and loving lady who adored her family and grandchildren.

We are all just getting in with it - what else is there to do, but the sadness is there all the time. My dad is doing so well, but at times says things like, he would be happy to be together with mum again, which is also heartbreaking, but I understand what he's saying.

I think the worst thing is that no-one really asks how I am now. They often say how is your dad, but not how are you. If they do, and I say good and bad days and sometimes it's overwhelming they say yes it will be and change the subject or don't even answer. I suppose they feel awkward. The think is I don't want to talk about mum's final days in RL - too raw for that but it would be good for people to at least offer to listen, only 1 friend has done that the whole time.

Just feel sad tonight.

[mummylin2495]

Hello "sparkly* I think that unless someone has suffered the loss of a parent they don't know how devastating it is. So they assume that in a couple of weeks / months that we suddenly carry on as if nothing has happened. When in fact our lives have changed forever . I have found that some people try to ignore the subject altogether, which I find is very hurtful,,not to even mention your loss. 8 months isn't very long really. The experts say you need at least two years, but for me it's 3 and 3/4 yrs and I still feel it very deeply. I don't think I can ever recover fully to be honest. But all any of us can do is try and carry on the best that we can, but with an ache in our hearts

[Sparkygal]

Thanks Mummylin,

I know what you mean about people not understanding until they have gone through it, and to be fair, I was probably like that with a friend who lost her parents recently.
It's no-ones fault it's just how I am feeling tonight. Sometimes it just hits again.

This is such a great thread though just to be able to let it out. X

[mummylin2495]

I have found it very helpful to be able to speak to others who understand exactly. I remember the first New Year's Eve when mum had only died 8 weeks before, I just could not stop crying dh went to a party without me. I just wanted to be alone with my grief, but I came onto the thread and chatted to everyone else and they helped me through that awful evening. Some of us now have been on here a while. We do chat about other things on here , especially if one of us is angry or upset with our dh / DP or anyone actually. Or even if we are just fed up. It's good to have a moan now and again ! Hope we can help you somehow.

[Sparkygal]

Just knowing I can come online and speak about this (or anything else like when dh annoys me ) is a great help x

[supermariossister]

how are you all tonight? I've been feeling grim lately really off, dizzy and full all the time. hot drinks or cold drinks are making me feel sick and have heartburn it's driving me nuts.
Nan is going up to the grave tomorrow because the stone is wobbly and needs more soil round it. I know grandad hates to go there because she never wants to leave and starts going over things again. feels alien that it will be 3 years in November, how have I managed three years without her

[mummylin2495]

I don't know where all the time goes SM, it dosent seem possible does it. It must be sad for your nan and grandad. No wonder she dosent want to leave there, it's still her baby as it were.
Can't the headstone people or someone do anything about the stone ? I'm sure it's something they should do for you.

[ssd]

sorry your not feeling good sm, hope you feel a bit better soon. I cant believe its nearly 3 years for me too, but it feels like I'm getting on with things here a bit better now. I still dont speak or see people that hurt me when mum died, I just need to avoid them now and I dont think that'll ever change, it just went too deep. I try not to think of the first year, it hurts too much. I feel for the posters going through this.

mummylin, they have their season tickets here too, its all underway

[supermariossister]

been to the doctors and have a whole cocktail of things to try for the stomach issues and he's confirmed I still have vertigo don't feel as bad today so here's hoping for a good day! how is everyone x