My baby son 'Bertie' died on the 8.11 - heartbroken

[rahrah1]

Hi all, I have used mumsnet through my pregnany, and gave birth to my baby son when he was only 24 weeks. I had a very troublesome pregnany and my membranes broke at 23 weeks. At 24 weeks they induced as I was having big bleeds from the placenta, had a strep b and there was no fluid around the baby. Therefore the consultant felt it was the safe option to give everyone the best chance to deliver. I had bleeding throughout my pregnancy and was in and out of hospital. But at no point could they do anything. The whole experience has been truely traumatic and we really had hoped that our little son would make it. When he was born he was taken to neo-natal and showed lots of good signs. But it soon became obvious that he was going to suffer long term damage if we kept him ventilated, due to the immaturity of his lungs. We had made a decision with the doctors that if he was to become disabled through treatment then we would end his suffering. We took him off the ventilator after 6hrs. I feel every inch of my body aching for him, as he was so perfect... but my body just let him down. He was a good weight of 710grams and was perfect in every way. He tried to cry, gripped on to his ventilator...held our hands, we tickled his feet and he reacted... he brought me more pleasure than anything else in this world. He is also our first born and I'm not sure how I am going to move on. When all my friends and relatives are here Im ok, but as soon as they leave I breakdown and cry until it really hurts. The funeral is soon and everyone will be getting back to their normal lifes...when I am stuck in a spiral of what ifs and what should of been. God I miss him so much.....

HI there - to be honest I have had a really pants day. Just cried and cried. My midwife came today and said I don't need to see her again, so that is another thing finished with in the pregnancy. I feel so sad and empty and it seems to be getting worse each day. Friends and family keep calling all the time to make sure I'm ok, but to be honest its making me feel worse. I went to Berties grave again today... but could not stay there long, as it hurt to much to know he was there and I could not see or touch him again. Sorry depressing answer - bet you are glad you asked now!! lol

Oh my god fussymummy - just as I was typing my last message my husband has come down stairs with another box of ebay stuff - I think you are right we will have nothing left!

Hi rahrah next time your out, go to a charity shop and buy anything that is complete crap and really cheap!!!

Why, i hear you ask????????

See how long it takes him to sell it!!!!!

I used to want to dig my baby out of the ground, so i could have one more hug.

Even now, i still cry nearly every time i leave the cemetary.

lol.... might just do that.

Least im not going mad and my feeling seem similar to others. Thank you for your replies - it really is helping... lots of love and hugs xx

rahrah1 I am so so sorry for your loss. I don't have any words that would be remotely helpful to you right now but I am thinking of you and hoping you and your partner can comfort eachother during this terrible time.

rahrah, nothing to say but just a huge hug from a complete stranger

i am so sorry for your trouble

glad to see this thread active again. i read it first time round, but was so upset for your situation that i couldn't post.

rahrah you have been in my thoughts and prayers. i'm so so sorry for your loss

ja9

hi honey i just wanted to post and say how sorry i am for your loss of your precious son bertie, my son joshua will still born at 37 weeks, and know only too well the pain and emptyness that follows,, i am always around on the internet and would love to talk, my email is [email protected] i am thinking of u and ur husband at this very sad and empty time xx

im shocked me and my dp have become ebayoholics since our loss, infact today i listed 81 items, crazy

Husband leaves me parcels to take down the post office daily.... that's my new job!! He just called me and has been ebaying at work too... but buying things instead that he thinks we can buy and then sell on... (More post office trips for me)

Thanks Mini for email address - I will mail you, very kind.

Thanks everyone else for best wishes and kind words. xx

Rahrah, just checking in with you today and wondering how you're feeling. Big hug xx

Checkin successful - I'm OK, have been really down this week, and finding it very difficult to motivate myself in the mornings. Did not get up until 1pm today. I have the bereavement midwife round tomorrow, so see what she says. I keep crying all the time and trying to delude myself that what has happened has not. But I need to realise it has, I have lost him forever. Life will never be the same and I need to accept this. Hopefully I can find something to focus on to pull myself through, as I have no focus at the moment (Not working, have no other children and have no other projects on the go). I am being made redundant from work and was planning to start a business with my dad, so when I am ready I will look at that again. Trouble is I'm not sure my heart is in anything. I also feel like I want to get pregnant again, as it took us over a 1yr and half to conceive with Bertie. But at the same time I dont want another child as I want him... so very confusing time at the moment.

Hi rahrah i know that feeling so well.

It will take a long time to come to terms with what has happened.

I wanted my baby, but he was taken from me.

I had all the mothers love to give, and desperately wanted a baby.

I waited a few months before trying again, as i was so scared i'd lose another one, but i'd always wanted 3 or 4 children.

Fortunately i was pregnant within 2 months of trying and i had my daughter 13 months after i lost Kieran.

She was born a few weeks early, but was ok.

As for working, you should get a job at the post office!!!!!!

Things will work out for you, but give yourself time.

Hi Rahrah, I have no experience of losing a baby (only my dad when i was a teenager) so I cannot even begin to imagine your pain. I hope the bereavement midwife will be able to offer you something that might be able to comfort you in some small way. Thinking of you - xxooxxoo

i don't know what to say, i am so so sorry for your loss and i truly hope that you find peace. bertie will always be loved

I think it is hard to give yourself time, as I am a real planner... I had my life set out for the next year - with Bertie.... I really would like to go on a nice holiday, but feel unable to book it at the moment - as don't think I could leave Bertie for 2 weeks. I really need to speak to my consultant - so thats in less than 2 weeks, hopefully we can start moving forward after that. I just pray and hope that it was a one off and that our conceiving issues, were also a one off.. there are so many things going through my head... I'm scared for the future... Anyway I have two more parcels for the post office today... so I am going to pop there... Thanks for getting back to me fussymummy....and it is such great news that you had another child aswell. What is her name? You are inspiring me to know that you can move forward. Speak to you soon XX

Hi there Rahrah1,
First off, so sorry to hear about Bertie. What a gorgeous name too.

I lost my first son at 26 weeks. We are coming up to his 4th anniversairy shortly - although it often seems like yesterday.

Sands were great - but it depends on where you live as to how active they are. The helpline is good and i believe the forums are getting better as more people use them.

They didn't exist when I lost Hugo, so an internet friend and I (we met on ivllage as we lost our sons around the same time) set up an msn group. It is very friendly and busy community(sadly) and you would be most welcome to join or even just have a look around. (as would anyone here affected by sb, late m/c or neonatal death)

The address is groups.msn.com/BabyLossSupportGroup/

I would also second the advice about the child bereavement trust. It does get easier to live with, but it never goes away - and in some ways i am glad about that as i wouldn't want to forget about my little guy. Often the grief is like waves on a beach - after a while they just lap at your toes but there can still be big ones that knock you off your feet from time to time. Hope that makes sense!

best wishes and positive thoughts for your future

Kate xx

I think your waves on a beach is a very good analogy for grief, kateyp. I am so sorry you lost Hugo (another beautiful name).

rahrah - I hope seeing the consultant will be helpful and at least give you the info you need to help plan for the future (when you feel ready to do so). I too am a great planner and having my "plan" taken away was one of the things I found most difficult.

When you're feeling a little stronger maybe you will feel like planning one or two things. Doesn't have to be anything major (probably better not in fact), but it might help give you a focus (though not the one you want, of course) and help you get through the days.

Don't know if this will be of any help for you to know, but I had planned to go freelance after James was born. Ten months after he died and when I was three months PG with my next baby I decided I still would. I am really glad I did.

Thinking of you. xxxxx

PS I second Marina's recommendation of Fathers Feel Too, the SANDS book for dads. I think your DH might find it good to read. Maybe you could just leave it lying around.....

rahrah i didn't just have one more child, i had another daughter a couple of years after that as well!!!!!!

Don't ever give up.

I'd love to chat to you via email, but the only email address i have has my real name in it and don't want to post that on here.

Do you have an email address that you could post???

If you want to that is!!!

Hi rahrah

So very sorry to hear of your loss. I know exactly what you are going through - only I am 15 years down the line!

We lost our first child at 26 weeks - it is a very long story by she was eventually born by emergency cs. She only lived 45 minutes (as we to did not want to have life forced into her at any cost) - we did not get to see her alive, but saw her very soon after. She was beautiful, so perfect, good size 2lb 1oz, but just not to be.

We had a funeral and like you she was allowed to be buried in the local church graveyard, where we were married. They have a special place for babies. We did not receive any counselling - not sure if that was right or wrong really.

When visiting our consultant I was informed that I had an incompetant cervix - which we knew to some degree anyway - and that any further pregancies I would have to have a cervical stitch. The good news was within the year I gave birth to another daughter (first one took 4 years to conceive!) and 17 months later a son.

I have some horror stories, sad stories and funny stories relating to the loss, but they are all memories. Time does make it easier, but you most certainly do not forget. As other have said - do what is right for you not any one else.

Remember you husband is hurting to and he probably has no one to talk to "not a man thing".

If you want to chat more to me about this then please feel free to do so and let me know.

My heart goes out to you and your dh and of course to Bertie. X

Thanks pindy and fussymummy,, my email address is [email protected] - now no dirty mails please!!

Wow Pindy that is good news that you conceived so quickly after 4 yrs with your first. It was a year and a half for us to conceive with Bertie and I thought that was a long time.

All you guys are giving me good hope... which is getting me through these days.. Thanks XX

Kateyp, thanks for your message and the email link, I will log on and have a chat. XX

rahrah I couldnt read this and not post. I Am so so so sorry for your awful loss. I wish there was something I could do. I just had to say how sorry I was.

Thanks for the post eenysugarplumfairy. XX

(((((((((((((((rahrah1)))))))))))))))
I am so terribly sorry for your loss!
And sorry for my insensitive comment on the other thread, I had no idea!