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Bereavement

My baby son 'Bertie' died on the 8.11 - heartbroken

202 replies

rahrah1 · 16/11/2006 11:06

Hi all, I have used mumsnet through my pregnany, and gave birth to my baby son when he was only 24 weeks. I had a very troublesome pregnany and my membranes broke at 23 weeks. At 24 weeks they induced as I was having big bleeds from the placenta, had a strep b and there was no fluid around the baby. Therefore the consultant felt it was the safe option to give everyone the best chance to deliver. I had bleeding throughout my pregnancy and was in and out of hospital. But at no point could they do anything. The whole experience has been truely traumatic and we really had hoped that our little son would make it. When he was born he was taken to neo-natal and showed lots of good signs. But it soon became obvious that he was going to suffer long term damage if we kept him ventilated, due to the immaturity of his lungs. We had made a decision with the doctors that if he was to become disabled through treatment then we would end his suffering. We took him off the ventilator after 6hrs. I feel every inch of my body aching for him, as he was so perfect... but my body just let him down. He was a good weight of 710grams and was perfect in every way. He tried to cry, gripped on to his ventilator...held our hands, we tickled his feet and he reacted... he brought me more pleasure than anything else in this world. He is also our first born and I'm not sure how I am going to move on. When all my friends and relatives are here Im ok, but as soon as they leave I breakdown and cry until it really hurts. The funeral is soon and everyone will be getting back to their normal lifes...when I am stuck in a spiral of what ifs and what should of been. God I miss him so much.....

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rahrah1 · 11/12/2006 17:33

Hi all, just went to consultants. We are no further forward on knowing what happened to disrupt the pregnancy so much to lead to the prematurity of Bertie, except I do not have a Bio-chemical issue or gentic disorder. They did not have the genetic tests for Bertie back or the results from my placenta. But they know of examination of the placenta after delivery it was unhealthy. They took bloods from me today to test my bloods to see if I have a blood clotting issue and need aspirin (or if needed fragmin or heprain)(apparently they can only take blood after pregnancy for the best reading - as I thought they had done these tests before I left the hospital after delivery). Rather disappointed not to find out why at this point, as it is hard to move on... but decided we will start to TTC again, as had previous fertility issues. The blood tests only take two weeks to come back in - so if we need any treatment then we will be ok for that. Consultant is just a bit worried about detachment from one pregnancy to another... But me and DH feel its the best thing for us, as we both know we will never replace Bertie or have him back. We are accepting that our lives will be different now and we will always crave him and love him forever.

Thanks you all for your support, it has been very much appreciated XX

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rahrah1 · 10/12/2006 12:59

Ammy12 - Are you a Nurse/Doc? My consultant is really nice - You might know him - Mr Wood. I have an appointment with him tomorrow.. to discuss everything (What happened, future pregnancies etc..)One thing I have to say about Walgrave is that they do have some very talented/skilled staff - but are over stretched. There was one nurse that looked after Bertie and she was a complete angel... so professional and caring... Some people are defo in the right jobs!

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Ammy12 · 08/12/2006 00:24

Just wanted to say sorry for your loss rahrah. A friend of mine lost a baby at 27 weeks, 11 years ago. They still grieve but time is a great healer and soon you will be able to remember the good things about Bertie and smile. Also I work at Walsgrave, had my daughter there myself. The staff there are wonderful if I do say so myself!! Love to you xxxxxxx

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rahrah1 · 07/12/2006 21:41

Thanks for the thread info guys x

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USAUKMum · 07/12/2006 14:53

Hey rarah -- found the link for you
TTC after MC

Hope you are keeping well.

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Uki · 07/12/2006 02:05

Your most welcome
it's under conception, then titled TTC after m/c. i'm not good at links so i hope you find us

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rahrah1 · 06/12/2006 11:22

UKI - I cant find the thread you referred to - can you direct me please - thanks (Sorry probably being stupid!)

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rahrah1 · 06/12/2006 11:18

Hi Uki, thanks for your post - much appreciated. I will log on to that tread... will defo need some help/support when we try again. Speak to you soon.. Rah X

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Uki · 06/12/2006 09:09

Hi Rahrah

I am so sorry what has happened to you, At first I was so upset to read your thread I couldn't post, but kept thinking of you. You have been so brave and strong.
You are very special to be giving so many others on here hope and advice at this time.

I really wish you some good vibes.

You can find me and others on the trying to concieve after miscarriage thread, if and when you need help and advice. Best wishes to you and dh

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rahrah1 · 05/12/2006 22:33

Thanks, lovely name... We were lucky, as it was my husbands birthday around when Bertie was born, but we avoided a clash..

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weepootleflump · 05/12/2006 19:55

I think going to a service around his due date would be nice for you. Unfortunately Scott was due on my birthday - don't think I'll ever want to celebrate that again

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weepootleflump · 05/12/2006 19:26

Don't mind at all rahrah. His name is Scott. I've never mentioned anything on here before about him- but reading your story really struck a chord and has me in tears every time I catch up on it.
I'm lucky that I have a dd (she's 2) to concentrate my energies on and to hold things together for.

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rahrah1 · 05/12/2006 15:27

hope your hubbie wants to come... mine is a bit hesitant about it aswell. The midwife said they have a service at the end of Feb at Walsgrave hospital for all the lost babies, but it very close to my due date.. so not sure about that one. What is your DS called? (Hope you don't mind me asking questions)

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weepootleflump · 05/12/2006 14:36

Thanks rahrah, I'm in nuneaton (had baby in George Eliot). I will give SANDS a ring.
Try not to worry about getting upset at the service- it'll be a good release for you, I know it would be for me as I tend to bottle everything up and it feels so much better when it's out.
Of course it will be upsetting for you but I'm sure you won't regret going to it, though you may regret not going...
I don't know if I'm going either, don't know if dh will want to though I do, just to let ds know we're thinking of him at xmas (and always, but don't usually go to church).
Will be thinking of you. x

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poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 05/12/2006 12:52

((((((((hugs)))))))) I think you are so brave.

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rahrah1 · 05/12/2006 12:51

Thanks poppiesinalinewithtinsel and satine - Your support is much appreciated. xx

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poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 05/12/2006 12:48

I am so so sorry rahrah1 to hear of your very very sad news. Your post has made me cry for you.

I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through.

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satine · 05/12/2006 12:40

Dear Rahrah, I just wanted to say how very srry I am for your awful loss, and how perfect and beautiful Bertie sounded. I hope that MN can offer a tiny bit of support for you. I am sure that your posts will be helping other people, too.

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rahrah1 · 05/12/2006 12:33

Hi Fussymummy - yes it is just for babies that have died. I think I will decide nearer the time, as just not sure how I will handle the service, as it sounds quite Xmas orientated and totally dreading dealing with Xmas without little Bertie..Hubbie was not too keen, when I mentioned to him... but we said many things that we were not going to do and we have done them... so change our minds all the time. I will however call the midwife today and order our bauble in case we go. Thanks for the advise - keeps our options open.. xx

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rahrah1 · 05/12/2006 12:28

Hi weepootleflump - It is the SANDS service at Walgrave, near the hospital. Do you know the big Asda opposite Mac D's, on the dual road leading up to the hospital? The service is on Sunday @ 3pm. But they like you to get there early at around 2.30. My midwife has said that they arrange for baubles to be made with your babies name on it, in advance. If you want this, I would go onto the SANDS website and there is a telephone number on there..(I've just looked for you) someone I am sure must be able to find out the event details and arrange for your baby's name to be on a bauble. Otherwise I can give you the midwife numbers for Walgrave, as she is arranging it for us if we wanted to go. Were you at Walsgrave hospital when you had your baby?

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weepootleflump · 04/12/2006 23:56

rahrah, I'm near Cov, can you give me details of the service please. I lost ds after being induced at 32 wks in Sept and would like to come along as long as dh can make it too.

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fussymummy · 04/12/2006 23:21

rah rah is this service just for babies who've died???

If so, then i've been to some of these.

They hold them every year where we live, in different churches around the area.

First time i went, i was crying before i even got in the church.

I was uncontrollable the whole time i was in there!!!!

I wasn't the only one to be like that.

Everyone in there, knew how the next person felt, as they'd all been throught he same heartache.

I really felt at peace when i left, it helped so much.

If your up to it, do go and take hubby with you.

It may help him to release his feelings a bit.

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rahrah1 · 04/12/2006 17:17

Is anyone from the Coventry/Midlands area... My bereavement midwife has just been round and invited me to a SANDS church service next Sunday... Sounds really nice and something I would like to do... but not sure if it is too soon, and I will get upset at the service.

Anyone been to the service, what is it like?

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rahrah1 · 30/11/2006 18:26

Thank you Tutter, don't know what the future holds, but will always have my memories.

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Tutter · 30/11/2006 18:22

and i hope that memories of bertie bring you some happiness in the future, and that the grief eases

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