My baby son 'Bertie' died on the 8.11 - heartbroken

[rahrah1]

Hi all, I have used mumsnet through my pregnany, and gave birth to my baby son when he was only 24 weeks. I had a very troublesome pregnany and my membranes broke at 23 weeks. At 24 weeks they induced as I was having big bleeds from the placenta, had a strep b and there was no fluid around the baby. Therefore the consultant felt it was the safe option to give everyone the best chance to deliver. I had bleeding throughout my pregnancy and was in and out of hospital. But at no point could they do anything. The whole experience has been truely traumatic and we really had hoped that our little son would make it. When he was born he was taken to neo-natal and showed lots of good signs. But it soon became obvious that he was going to suffer long term damage if we kept him ventilated, due to the immaturity of his lungs. We had made a decision with the doctors that if he was to become disabled through treatment then we would end his suffering. We took him off the ventilator after 6hrs. I feel every inch of my body aching for him, as he was so perfect... but my body just let him down. He was a good weight of 710grams and was perfect in every way. He tried to cry, gripped on to his ventilator...held our hands, we tickled his feet and he reacted... he brought me more pleasure than anything else in this world. He is also our first born and I'm not sure how I am going to move on. When all my friends and relatives are here Im ok, but as soon as they leave I breakdown and cry until it really hurts. The funeral is soon and everyone will be getting back to their normal lifes...when I am stuck in a spiral of what ifs and what should of been. God I miss him so much.....

[harrisey]

Couldnt let this go without saying you and your family, includig precious Bertie, are in our thoughts and hearts and prayers.
xxx

[wabbitt]

Sweetheart. Love to you Bertie's mummy xxx

[aaronsmummy]

My thought are with you, so very sorry. xxxx

[kandi]

I'm so sorry rahrah

[schneebly]

Oh gosh this is so . Sending you our thoughts and best wishes for a fittting service on Wednesday. xxx

[Coolmama]

So very sad for you - we are holding you close in our hearts

[shebnem]

so sorry for your loss rahrah

[ssd]

Im so so sorry rahrah

wish I could say something to help, but can't

thinking of you.

[blueshoes]

rahrah1, I am crying for the trauma you and your family have been through and the decisions you have had to make. Bertie will always be with you. I hope you will come to terms with your loss in time and find peace.

[giulia68]

RahRah, you loved your little Bertie so much and he will have known and felt that during his time in you and out in the world. You sound an amazing and resourceful person and mum, and I am so, so sorry and wish you much love, hope and peace in time xx

[MoreEggnogAnyone]

So sorry . Take care.

[swedishmum]

What a horrible time to go through. Bertie obviously had lots and lots of love from you and your family.
It will get better. I know this because it will be 11 years this Thursday since our baby Octavia was born, and she died the following day. Her funeral was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through.

Write everything down - it really helped me to rant away to my diary. I just bought a notebook and let rip about everything. For about a year I really needed just to write what I felt. I knew things were getting better when I didn't write anything for days! It's not all sad - just how I felt at the time. It's in my memory box now (though the ashes are still in the safe even after all this time - we don't have a "special place").
I'm thinking of you and your little boy.
x

[pelvicfloorSNOWmore]

Oh Rahrah
my heart goes out to you
So unfair
God bless you all
xxxxxx

[Ellbell]

I am so sorry, rahrah. There is nothing I can say to make this better for you, but hopefully this thread will make you realise that there are lots of people thinking about you at this terrible time. I am sending you hugs and a prayer that you will find the strength to get through this.

Sorry about your loss, too, swedishmum.

[MamaApronstrings]

also here crying, reading your story...so sorry.

[DratherBdiggin]

So sorry for you. We had a very late gestation stillbirth and my friend lost her 113 day old daughter who was born at 29 weeks gestation.
Didn't find sands particularly helpful myself, there may be a local support group in your area, which your bereavement midwife may know about.
Thoughts and prayers with you.
Natalie Grant "Held" (itunes) - powerful song. Hope the funeral is OK and that you have lots of support around you. Take it easy on yourself, and definately take things one day at a time. If, as time goes on you find yourself in a situation that you are uncomfortable with (ie around other pregnant women or newborn babies), I suggest you leave and don't worry about saving face or trying to "be brave" I think that was the one of the worst thing I did. It's not nice, but it will be ok; the rawness will go in time.

[CorrieDale]

I am so so sorry for you . Wishing you strength.

[ludalightsandlanterns]

oh...I am so sorry to hear of your loss...
I really hope you can work through this ...you do have some lovely memories to keep.

My SIL had a baby born with Potters disease (he didn't actually develop any kidneys). It was an awful time for everyone.. she went on to have three beautiful children and her life did move on...we never forget baby Brandon, but you can move on with time...
Thinking of you xx

[wishingchair]

So sorry Rahrah ... my heart goes out to you x

[Sophiev73]

Sitting here crying and feeling bloody lucky. Thinking of you.

[asleep]

i have tears rolling down my cheeks. i am so sorry to hear of your loss.

[PanicPants]

I'm so sorry for you. This must be so heartbreaking for you and your family.

[Twohootsunderthemistletoe]

I too don't know what to say other than my heart goes out to you rahrah. Life can be so cruel sometimes.

(I went through a similar pregnancy to yourself but was bloody lucky to deliver a healthy baby at 39 weeks. Having said that, the pregnancy has really put me off having another baby so I can't begin to comprehend how it must be for you having such heartbreak at the end).

You are in my thoughts xx

[VanillaMilkshake]

I have lost 3 much wanted pregnancies - but all before 12 weeks so I have no idea how much pain you must be feeling.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope once you have grieved as you need to that you can move on and will be able to have another child if that is what you want.

For now if crying is what you need to do, do it and dont bottle it up or feel ashamed. This time is about you and DH/DP coming to terms with your sad loss.

[rahrah1]

Just wanted to thank everyone for all their kind words, thoughts and experiences. The funeral is on Wednesday and although it will be hard, hopefully it will be a turning point. At the moment I cant really believe that we have lost him. Today we went back to the hospital and thanked all the staff that looked after him. They do a fantastic job. Thank you everyone again - it has been a real comfort to us that everyone has thought of our son... Bertie XX