My baby son 'Bertie' died on the 8.11 - heartbroken

[rahrah1]

Hi all, I have used mumsnet through my pregnany, and gave birth to my baby son when he was only 24 weeks. I had a very troublesome pregnany and my membranes broke at 23 weeks. At 24 weeks they induced as I was having big bleeds from the placenta, had a strep b and there was no fluid around the baby. Therefore the consultant felt it was the safe option to give everyone the best chance to deliver. I had bleeding throughout my pregnancy and was in and out of hospital. But at no point could they do anything. The whole experience has been truely traumatic and we really had hoped that our little son would make it. When he was born he was taken to neo-natal and showed lots of good signs. But it soon became obvious that he was going to suffer long term damage if we kept him ventilated, due to the immaturity of his lungs. We had made a decision with the doctors that if he was to become disabled through treatment then we would end his suffering. We took him off the ventilator after 6hrs. I feel every inch of my body aching for him, as he was so perfect... but my body just let him down. He was a good weight of 710grams and was perfect in every way. He tried to cry, gripped on to his ventilator...held our hands, we tickled his feet and he reacted... he brought me more pleasure than anything else in this world. He is also our first born and I'm not sure how I am going to move on. When all my friends and relatives are here Im ok, but as soon as they leave I breakdown and cry until it really hurts. The funeral is soon and everyone will be getting back to their normal lifes...when I am stuck in a spiral of what ifs and what should of been. God I miss him so much.....

[giulia68]

rahrah, i am sure that like lots of others here on MN i am stll thinking of you and hoping that wednesday brought you some comfort and not more pain.. like others here too, i will not forget what you have bravely related here or your heroic little son bertie. i hope MN can continue to be a supportive part of your life in the months to come. very best wishes to you and your DP x

[AitchTwoOh]

oh rahrah, i do hope wednesday's service provided the turning point you hoped for... thinking of your whole family right now.

[hertsnessex]

thinking of you and all your family.

cx

[MummyPig]

so sorry to hear your story rahrah, thinking of you

[AtterySquash]

How are you, Rahrah?

We had to give the hospital permission to turn off the ventilator for our little boy too; it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. That was five years ago.

As another MNer said, although you never get over a loss (especially this, the hardest of all losses), you do learn to live with it. And though you probably won't believe this, in time, you can find joy in life again.

Have you been in touch with SANDS? When you feel up to it do think about giving them a call. They have a helpline staffed by bereaved parents as well as support groups; they were a lifeline for us.

Thinking of you and your lovely Bertie. xxxxx

[fussymummy]

rahrah1 How awful for you.

I understand how you feel as my son was stillborn.

The day he was born, a huge part of me died too.

I still struggle to accept what happened, although it was nearly 7 years ago.

Time does heal and makes each day more manageable, but allow plenty of grieving time.

Don't be afraid to cry or to wonder who he would've looked like, etc....

I used to go to the hospital to see him each day until he was taken to the funeral directors.

When he was buried, i'd be up the cemetary all the time.

Some days i'd be going somewhere in the car and end up there, not even remembering how i'd got there.

If you want to talk, i'm here, in tears agin, as all my memories have come flooding back.

Please take care. xx

[rahrah1]

HI All, The funeral was a really lovely service, and I felt like I could do things for my son. However I did not really cry at the funeral and cried when everyone left for about 2 hrs straight. We went away the next day to a spa hotel and got back today. I felt completely unfulfilled and resented even being anywhere without him. I hate the fact that no one knows he existed. My husband is going back to work tomorrow and I am dreading it. My mum says look forward to the future and try for other kids. But I want my perfect baby and feel completely empty inside. How did you manage to fill the days? Did you take the maternity leave from work or did you go back to work?

[rahrah1]

I agree with you fussymummy, a huge part of me has died too and things will never be the same again. What did you call your son?
Atterysquash - have not called sands yet, I spoke to someone at Tommy's, but waiting to see my consultant to advise what happened and what to expect in next pregnancy. Everything is a whirlwind... I think in time I will call sands... as I am keeping a lot of feelings in and may need to talk to an independent person.

[giulia68]

Dear Rahrah. i don't have any experience at all of what you are going through. i am so sorry though, and i am very impressed by your ability to articulate exactly how you are feeling. I am sure this will stand you in good stead for your recovery by the way.. I know other people here have sadly been through what you have with Bertie and they will be along and will be able to help more. In the mean time, my thoughts are with you and know that here at least many of us will not forget that you are Bertie's mum or that he was very much in this world but sadly left it so young. He sounds an incredible baby, from just your short but vivid description of him. Please keep writing if this brings you support. I can't volunteer anything other than an ear but I know others will have more practical advice. Take great care, Giulia. x

[albosmum]

I am so sorry for you and your family, am thinking of you

[funnypeculiar]

Rahrah - just to say I thought of you & Bertie on Weds - kept meaning to come on here & see how you were getting on...So glad that the service was good. I've had no personal experience, so don't know how else to help ... but bumping for someone else. Hope that tomorrow goes OK on your own ...

[AtterySquash]

I remember feeling all the things that you are, rahrah, and the terrible emptiness of the days.

Be kind to yourself, if you can. Do what feels right for you - if that's staying in bed for 48 hours then so be it; if it's digging up the garden, that's fine too.

Sometimes you can also end up trying to comfort others to stop them feeling so bad. But don't feel you have to.

I didn't go back to work for nearly a year. Again, don't feel you have to if you can't face it. Are you entitled to maternity pay? If not, then a sympathetic GP will probably sign you off so you get sick pay.

I don't get to post on here often but I'll try and check back in the next couple of days and see how you are.

You might also find the SANDS online forum helpful. For some reason I can't link to it direct from here but if you go to the home page - www.uk-sands.org and then click on online forum you'll find lots of people who have lost their babies and want to talk.

Thinking of you, your husband and your beautiful Bertie.

xx

[Judy1234]

How awful. Your body didn't let him down. It was just something that happened. It was certainly not your fault. Recently I found my mother's baby book/diary from the 1960s. She wrote about my sister's birth and death. She never forgot, remembered every year on her birthday for 35 years but she adjusted. It was her last child. She was barely allowed in the hospital. They weren't allowed to take photographs. She went to the funeral alone. The grave was unmarked. She'd always wished she had more tangible memories. When she died 2 years ago.... I expect she's with her baby now.

[Donkeyswife]

Big hugs rahrah. I'm sure your gorgeous son felt and still feels your love for him. My heart goes out to you and your family. Big loves to you all xxx

[fussymummy]

Hi rahrah, I called my baby Kieran and as i already had a son, we used his name, as a middle name.

I never returned to work as i never wanted to miss out on my other son who was still with me.

I also suffered with PND and still take tabs now.

I'm fine with them, but each time i've tried to stop (under GP supervision) i've been a complete wreck.

Looks like i'll be on them for a few years yet, but if they keep me sane i don't mind!!!!

I also have two more children now as well.

When we first lost him, i stopped eating, i just felt physically sick, i'd cry every time his name was spoken, was in so much pain with grief.

I still have days like that, especially when i read that someone else has gone through similar.

I'd advise you not to go back to work for a while, but to give yourself time to grieve.

Your mum may mean well in saying try for another baby, but right now it's probably the worst thing to say.

People used to tell me i was 'lucky' as i already had a son!!!!

I used to tell them that he wasn't a consolation prize and that i wanted both my boys together.

What area do you live in??? (if you don't mind me asking)

Have you heard of 'The Child Bereavement Trust'?

They were really good, and gave great support.

They support parents who've lost a child, or children who've lost a parent.

If you want me to i can give you there phone number.

Take care. xx

[fortyplus]

Feeling so sad for rahrah and everyone else who has experienced this pain.
I can't begin to imagine.
So sorry.

[rahrah1]

Hi AtterySquash - I am entitled to maternity pay as he was over 24 weeks. I cant imaging going to work as it is something I did not think I was going to do for a long time after having him. So for the moment I think I am going to stay on maternity leave so it gives me the options. I will have a look at that sands forum. Thanks for sharing your experience with me aswell, it is very generous of you to help others in similar situations. Thank you x

[rahrah1]

HI fussymummy - Kieran is a beautiful name. It is amazing what people say at a time like this. They think they are helping and what they actually say hurts so much. Even my husband is getting on my nerves as all he is doing is eating... it is so annoying. It is like our son is dead and all you can do is stuff your face! He also feels that we have to try and get out all the time, as he does not want me to get depressed! So I feel pushed all the time... when Im out I feel like screaming, so its all saved up for when I get home. The other day he got me on a bike ride for 2.5hrs.. Im like what the hell am I doing I only gave birth 2 weeks ago...and had not moved for 6 months (due to the issues in pregnancy) everything hurt after that little outing!

On to yourself... so what if you need to take tabs... if that what keeps you going...take them for as long as you need. Thank you for helping me and talking about your son.. it is very generous of you and supportive - thank you. x

[fussymummy]

Morning rahrah, how is today going.

Just want to let you know that when your maternity runs out, you can apply for incapacity benefit.

Your GP will be able to give you a certificate and you just fill out the forms, do this as soon as you can, don't wait for maternity to run out completely as they take ages sorting out new claims.

Did you want the number for the Child Bereavement Trust????

They really are good.

Every year they also hold a service for all the lost babies.

It's so sad, but you can also speak to other parents in the same situation.

Everyone always used to say, /i know how you feel'.

How can they possibly know when they've not experienced the same!!!!

Have you and your husband talked to each other???

May seem like a silly question, but it's so easy to bottle all of this up.

My partner didn't want to speak about it as he knew i'd get upset!!!

He tried to carry on as best he could.

Maybe now you're on your own for a few hours you can get a bit of space for yourself.

Try writing down how you feel, i found this helped so much.

[rahrah1]

HI Fussymummy

Doing ok, went back to bed for a bit for a cry (infact major cry), but my friend called and we just talked about everyday stuff and that has inspired me to get back up and do some household things.

Yep that number would be good. Thanks for that.

My husband seems similar to yours, he feels that he can not get upset, as it will make me more upset. So he is just getting on with things. We have talked, but even though we are going through the same thing.. we both deal with things in such different ways. We are trying to talk, but it often ends up with me losing my tempter and then telling him what the problem is, but so far we have ended up listening to each other when this has happened.

I am thinking about going to Berties grave today by myself. Have not told my husband... but really want to go. I think he might feel that he would want to come with me, but he does not get back from work until 6.30 and then it will be too dark. I think he might be annoyed as he would like to be able to go, but think I will go today anyway. (sorry waffling now).

[Piffle]

Really heartbreaking news Rahrah
I hope you find some strength and support in your life to help you come to terms with the loss of your darling boy.
Big hugs xxxxxxxx

[Marina]

rahrah, it's good to read that you found Bertie's funeral a help at the time. The memories will continue to help you, trust me on that.
If you do not feel ready to go back to work yet I would consider asking your GP to get you signed off sick, which will give you 100% of your salary instead of only 90%.
So much depends on whether your workplace has the sort of atmosphere where you can cry without feeling a total pariah. I went back after six weeks, but it was to a small team who all knew what had happened, in an arty environment where people are emoting all the time. The plus is it does provide a distraction. The minus is, other people's petty, ridiculous complaints/preoccupations can sometimes seem offensively trivial now your world has changed forever. I would hold off going back if you are likely to end up insulting pig-headed clients/customers
Despite the fact we loved each other very much and had been together for years, my dh and I came very close to drifting apart in the year after Tom's death. Eating, obsessively painting and sanding patio doors - men have bizarre and sometimes damaging ways of dealing with their grief. I was so for you that he had you on a long bike ride when you are still recovering from Bertie's birth.
SANDS has been mentioned more than once - I do urge you to contact them, because quite recently they published a book for fathers of stillborn children, which could be very helpful for you and dh to have in the house. They support both parents, although it is almost always the mother who makes the initial contact
I would go and see Bertie's grave today without a second thought. I think you are very courageous to have a grave to mourn over. My resolve failed me on that front
Thinking of you lots XXX

[rahrah1]

Thank you Martina - you sound like you work in an interesting place. Thank you for sharing Tom with me and the experiences you faced after losing him. All very good advise that you have given me, I will go to the grave today...I also have to go to the post office, as my husband (you mentioned painting and sanding) has gone ebay crazy and is selling all of our books and DVD's. He now thinks it will be good for me to get out the house to post all the things down the post office - oh what fun!!
Thank you again for advise - much appreciated. x

[fussymummy]

rahrah sounds like your hubby is trying to help, bless him.

You'll have nothing left if he keeps selling it all!!

Maybe that's his 'escape', his way of dealing with things.

How did things go for you at Berties grave???

I used to find myself at the cemetary all the time.

Don't feel you have to explain yourself to your husband or to anyone else, you go as often as you feel the need.

I found it to be the only place i could be at peace with myself.

I feel so close to him when i'm there.

Will post the number on here tomorrow.

[AtterySquash]

Hi rahrah, how are you doing today?

I have been thinking of you.

xx