My baby son 'Bertie' died on the 8.11 - heartbroken

[rahrah1]

Hi all, I have used mumsnet through my pregnany, and gave birth to my baby son when he was only 24 weeks. I had a very troublesome pregnany and my membranes broke at 23 weeks. At 24 weeks they induced as I was having big bleeds from the placenta, had a strep b and there was no fluid around the baby. Therefore the consultant felt it was the safe option to give everyone the best chance to deliver. I had bleeding throughout my pregnancy and was in and out of hospital. But at no point could they do anything. The whole experience has been truely traumatic and we really had hoped that our little son would make it. When he was born he was taken to neo-natal and showed lots of good signs. But it soon became obvious that he was going to suffer long term damage if we kept him ventilated, due to the immaturity of his lungs. We had made a decision with the doctors that if he was to become disabled through treatment then we would end his suffering. We took him off the ventilator after 6hrs. I feel every inch of my body aching for him, as he was so perfect... but my body just let him down. He was a good weight of 710grams and was perfect in every way. He tried to cry, gripped on to his ventilator...held our hands, we tickled his feet and he reacted... he brought me more pleasure than anything else in this world. He is also our first born and I'm not sure how I am going to move on. When all my friends and relatives are here Im ok, but as soon as they leave I breakdown and cry until it really hurts. The funeral is soon and everyone will be getting back to their normal lifes...when I am stuck in a spiral of what ifs and what should of been. God I miss him so much.....

[hulababy]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and of your baby boy being taken so soon from you

I hope you are getting all the support available.

[Yorkiegirl]

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[Lizzylou]

Rahrah, I am so very sorry for your loss, I hope that you find some support to help you through this and I am glad that you had some wonderful moments and precious time with Bertie

[Booboobedoo]

So sorry for you and your family rahrah .

[BudaBeast]

Oh rahrah. So so sad for all of you. Bertie sounds adorable and I hope you managed to have lots of cuddles.

A close friend of mine lost a full-term baby daughter last October. She is now almost due to have her second child. She has come through it with lots and lots of talking and crying and support. You will too. Bertie will always be with you but it will hurt less. Although you may not want to believe that as it may feel wrong.

Sending you love and hugs and strength to get through this time.

[PinkTinsel]

so sorry rahrah

[foxinsocks]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy Bertie.

[Wilbur]

So very, very sorry to hear of your loss, rah rah. Thinking of you and of Bertie. xx

[mellowandreadyforchristmas]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss rahrah.

[rahrah1]

The funeral is on Wednesday the 22nd @ 12.00. We were really lucky as a local church agreed to have him buried there. Unfortunatley a lot of churches (including this one) are closed to burials etc... as they are full. It was hard breaking trying to find somewhere for him, but this church have been so kind. Our friends children are buried there... so they can all be at peace together and play.. It also turned out that my husband's great grandma is buried there, so he is being buried with her...

[Naughtynoonoo]

rahrah1 - so sorry for the loss of your little angel, Bertie, thinking of you and your family at this sad time - take care hon.

[LadyMacbeth]

I'm so sorry rahrah. xx

[dhw]

I am so desperately sorry you are in so much pain. I cannot imagine what you are experiencing.

I had my first stillborn son at 26 weeks last NOvember and my second at 16 weeks at the end of May this year. I found SANDS helpful. They publish a good book called "When a baby dies" - I am hoping your local hospital gave you a pack with all this info in it including a copy of the book.

I found saying goodbye useful and helped a bit. We cremated our babies and scattered the ashes into the sea - it just felt right for us.

I know that what has happened to you must be so horrific and unbelievable, but my advice would be to trust your instincts - do what feels right for you - don't be swayed by what other people want or suggest, if it doesn't feel right to you.

I am currently trying a form of therapy called EMDR - (eye movement desensitisation) which is given to people who have experienced trauma. Sorry if this is all too much info, but I wanted to let you know just incase when you are feeling up to it, you can have a look at these messages and maybe find some of the info useful in some small way.

I send you all my love and am so sorry you are all having to go through this.

You sound amazing and I have every faith you will find the strength to keep going and you will have the family you always thought you would have. I'm so sorry if that sounds crass - you will never forget Bertie and he will always be your first born and you will always be his mum, but what I'm trying to say is that although a cliche, time does heal a little and you may well find the strength to have another baby.

Wishing you all the very best.

DHWxxxx

[Heathcliffscathy]

I'm so sorry. You're going through unimaginable pain.

My heart goes out to you.

[rahrah1]

Thanks DHW, it is amazing that you have shared your experiences with me and willing to help. Thanks for the information, anything is worth a try. I will have a look at the SANDS website for the book. Thank you and all my best wishes.... xx

[ghosty]

Oh rahrah

[Whooooosh]

Have only just read this and my heart goes out to you.

Wish I could say something to help but I don't think anyone could do that...am so,so sorry for you

[vitomum]

i am so sorry for you all rahrah. x

[star1976]

I cannot imagine what you are going through but I truly feel for you and send you my love.

Bertie sounds beautiful and you must be very proud of your son. X

[biglips]

im so sorry to hear about your loss xxxxx

[Charleesunnysunsun]

I can't begin to contemplate what your going through, i'm not quite sure what to say except i am so sorry to hear that you lost your little angel. My thoughts are with you and your family. xxxx

[brimfull]

Oh I am so sorry,what a sad loss for you.