Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again, yet another thread. I am worried about the big tree by my mums grave. I would be horrified if mums stone was smashed, and my sisters too come to that as they are side by side.

Hello all. Can I join you for a bit? Not sure what I'm looking for. My mum died completely unexpectedly two weeks ago. I'm very pregnant and she lived a long haul flight away so I wasn't able to go to the memorial service or be with my family which was probably one of the most upsetting things I've ever had to go through as we're all quite close.

She was so excited about this baby and it breaks my heart that she won't meet her. What I've realised is that losing a parent casts you adrift. My mum was relatively healthy, not old and was certainly very vibrant and alive and present. I spoke to her the day before and she gave me some good advice about handling MIL. I'm glad my last conversation with her was good. But I just feel quite lost.

DH is being amazing. My siblings have all kind of internalised things and haven't really thought about me much which I understand, but find quite hurtful nonetheless. My Dad is coping although he's obsessed with this pregnancy - he knows how excited mum was and he is very worried that all the stress and upset will negatively impact the baby.

Not really sure what I want to say. Just random thoughts I guess.

Hello bling so sorry that you have had to join this thread too. How difficult it must be for you being so far away and not being able to attend the service. It's a terrible shock when someone dies unexpectedly, I had this too and the shock was enormous. I found it very hard to believe that someone is here one day and gone the next. Like you we were expecting new babies ( sister was having twins ) and sadly my mum didnt get to meet them either. But the night before, mum did feel the babies kicking in my sister. I expect you are feeling very lost and confused at the moment but I am glad you have good support in your DH.
It's a very upsetting time and no doubt you will be going over and over it again trying to make sense of it all.
The only thing I am glad about is that my mum wasn't ill for weeks / months beforehand. She was spared that but loved life.
I can understand your dads worries and this is probably giving him something else to think about besides the loss of his wife.I am sorry you feel a bit pushed out by your siblings, but maybe they are trying to spare you because you are expecting a baby.
Do take care of yourself, always someone here to chat to you. We have all gone through what you are living now and understand.
You will have lots of very sad days but gradually the gaps in between will become longer, of course that all takes time and it's such early days for you at the moment, but they do eventually come.
When is your baby due ? That is how life continues. Your mum is part of that baby, don't forget that, maybe that can give you a bit of comfort.

Forgot to say hi to T sorry things been a bit off for you. Hope things will improve soon
SM what a shame about your dress. You must be quite disappointed about it. Did you get to ask your mums dh about it ?

Hey Lin how's you? Have tried to get in touch ringing and texting he never answers so I guess just got to accept it really.

It feels like such a long time since dad died although it's only been three weeks. The funeral is tomorrow, we have heavy snow forecast and I'm panicking that it will be cancelled. I've been close to tears all day and Im worried I won't cope tomorrow x

You will get through it Archie's because that is what we do, it's surprising how strong you can be when it's necessary but no one is expecting you to hold it together it's okay to feel like this and totally normal. I hope that the plans go ahead despite the weather we will all be here to chat too

archiesnan as Supermario said you will get through it. It's a day we all dread but somehow manage to get through it. Yes it's a very sad day and there will probably be tears. But really it is over so quickly. You will be surprised how composed you will be afterwards. I hope the snow won't disrupt the funeral as it will mean you have to wait all over again. But In Reality the worst thing has already happened on the day your dad died. You can get through it I promise.

super Mario and Mummylin you were both right. I was stronger than I though I would be. Despite the snow the crematorium was full and it was wonderful to see so many people who thought the world of my dad come to pay their respects.

Glad you got through it Archie.

Just thought I'd send support and hugs to everyone on here.

We got the results from the coroners investigation today and my mum passed away due to 'natural causes'. I know it sounds awful but this doesn't really help us.

My stbxh has created so much stress to me and my family that I blame him even though my mum didn't actually know everything that he has done to me.

After 23 years with him he is truely an evil person and I didn't even see it. He continually harrassed me throughout the Christmas period and even threatened to turn up at the funeral. He's taking me to court next week over the children ans has accused me of awful things. Do I believe in justice anymore - not at this precise moment - no.

My mum died nearly 3 weeks ago. Her funeral was 2 days ago. She had been very poorly for a long time but was the strongest, bravest, most resilient person I've ever met. It was pneumonia that got her in the end. It was very quick and very peaceful. I was with her night and day for 3 months before she died, caring for her. I wept most days, terrified of her dying. We cried together and told each other every day how much we loved each other. I couldn't imagine my life without her and howled at the very thought of it. She died in my arms. So how come now, I am sad and upset and get waves of overwhelming grief but nothing like as much as I expected? I'm a bit numb and a bit shocked still but I'm absolutely not in denial and I know and understand that she's gone but I'm calm and happier than I've been for a long time and can laugh and go out with friends. I know grief isn't a 'one size fits all' experience but this is nothing like I expected. I'm scared that I'm going to be floored by a tidal wave of it at some point but it will be a bolt from the blue if that happens, as I just don't feel it. Anyway, ramble over! I just wanted to commit some thoughts to writing.

Hi Truckle,

I think what can really help is knowing you loved and were loved. What helps me is even though my dad was a relatively young 66, I feel like I got my money's worth if you know what I mean, in the time I was able to have him, because we were very close and very loving. And there is also the relief that the suffering is over.
In time you will reflect on a whole host of things.
I am glad you have friends to have a good time with, and it sounds like you are just as resilient as your mum.

Whyme, I am so sorry you have this stress with your ex. You are going in the right direction, he will be out of your life soon x

Hi all how are you all doing?

Hello whyme I am sorry your ex is causing you do much stress! some men really are arseholes, I can't put it any better than that. You don't need all this heartache when you are grieving. I quite understand why the verdict wasnt what you wanted to hear, I would imagine you want a reason why your mum died and natural causes dosent provide you with one. Hope all will be well for you at the courts.
trucking sorry for your loss. It maybe that you did some of your grieving whilst your mum was so ill. I am glad that you were able to spend so much precious time with her before she died. It sounds like you shared a great love for each other.
Grief is different for everyone so maybe what you feel is right for you. I expect there will be days when it hits you very suddenly, but that is quite normal too. Always someone here to chat.
SM been a strange couple of days really. 1 brother had to have his stitches out after his second op on his head second brother spent two days in A&E with pains, it appears he has gall bladder problem and he will have to have it removed in the next couple of months. They have sent him home with pain killers and anti Imflam pills for now. Brother 3 is ok ( touch wood ) nothing wrong with him !

Thanks both. I think you're right - I think I did grieve whilst she was still alive. I felt absolutely wretched and would have panic attacks and struggle to breathe. I feel no sense of relief whatsoever and would look after her for a thousand years, despite how desperately difficult it could be but I do feel somewhat calmer. It's making me feel really conflicted but I'm trying to just go with it. It says nothing about just how much I loved her and wish she was still with me.

I think trucking you summed it up for all of us, we all wish our loved ones were here. Our losses have made such big holes in our lives and I know for myself I will never ever stop missing my lovely mum. Life will never be the same , nor will I ever be entirely happy again. Some days I can't believe it has happened at all, and expect her to come round for a cup of tea and a chat it just doesn't seem possible, but we have to get on with our lives without them and just get along as best that we can.

There is no alternative that feels like a viable option right now, so yes, I'm just trying to get on with it. It's truly shit though and pretty much impossible to comprehend.

It's a huge change in your life and will take a lot of getting used to, and of course it's still very recent for you. I hope you have got some RL support, it's very important and helps such a lot. But people sometimes surprise you and you find they may not be as supportive as you would like hopefully this won't apply to you. I think most of us have been upset by others at some point along the way. Do look after yourself. That too is important.

Evening all, I'm still plodding along. 16 months now since my granddad died, can't believe it. Christmas was hard, but easier than the first. Still have nights/days where it just hurts so much. I miss him so, so much still. I had to help a very recently bereaved lady a couple of weeks ago, at work and just listening to her chat to her friend while I was on hold trying to sort things for her, nearly brought me to tears, it just reminded me of my poor gran, having to do similar things (cancelling bills etc in DGranddad's name) and brought it all back to me.

I'm doing Race for Life in June, as my granddad died of mesothelioma. I've got my kit through, but can't think of what to write on my back sign. Any ideas?

I did Race For Life after I lost my grandma to ovarian cancer and I just put her name on my back, saying in memory of her. Reading the various names on the run was very moving.

A few posts back I talked about relief. I think I want to clarify that I wasn't relieved for myself. Looking after my dad was an honour and it was what he wanted. It's a very precious thing to have shared that time and I'm proud of how we handled it as a family.
However my dad didn't have a particularly peaceful time of it. While he was surrounded by love, he was also screaming in pain. He didn't even know he was doing it. In the moment he passed, to see him free from pain for the first time in a year was a beautiful thing. I felt overwhelmed with relief for him. But of course that doesn't last because soon you just moved on to the full scale grief.
Just needed to get that off my chest.

Bad day today for some reason. I keep thinking about the moment she died and hearing what she said. It was peaceful and unremarkable but I seem to keep drifting off to it, much more so than I did in the first few days / couple of weeks. I have a real urge to speak to the hospital doctor who was there but it wouldn't change anything even if I did. I need to think about going back to work but I don't want to. I just want to lie on the sofa and get pissed.

We had the funeral on Friday for my mum. It was really lovely. Perfect in fact.

I'm going back to work tomorrow after 3 weeks off and suddenly i feel really stressed about it. I know for me that if I stay at home longer it will only get worse though so I need to at least go in tomorrow and see how it goes. My manager said I can have longer off if I need it so if it's really bad I can always come home again.

I think i know how you feel trucking. Dh just asked me what I wanted to do this evening and all I could think of was crawling into the airing cupboard and hiding under a pile of warm blankets.

trucking I too have always wanted to speak to the staff who were on duty when my mum died. Deep inside me I really need to know if my mum died quickly and not in pain. It also haunts me that she would of been scared as her death was not expected at all. But as you say it won't change anything now.
hearmy I am glad that the funeral went well I think beforehand we get worked up Into such a state of dread that in a strange way when the day comes and it's not as bad as we thought we feel utter relief.
I would give it a try at work and if it's too much for you take the option you have of having more time off
Hope everyone is ok and not snowed in, although I would love to have snow, it always seems to miss my town
It is my birthday this week which is a mixed day as it is also the birthday of my sister who died. I have not been to the crem today as I want to take new flowers on our birthday. She will now of been dead for as long as she lived. It's a horrible thought.
The following day is the anniversary of my beloved grans death so another sad day. Life can be so hard sometimes can't it