Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again, yet another thread. I am worried about the big tree by my mums grave. I would be horrified if mums stone was smashed, and my sisters too come to that as they are side by side.

hope you are doing okay today love bug. it is so much to get used to in one go and process even without massive life changes at the same time. my ds was five when mum died so a little different but I understand that focusing on him and pushing my own feelings aside didn't necessarily help me and a number of months down the line I did really struggle. we are all here to chat to whenever you feel like it

Hoping that you are all coping today, especially the most recent posters. I have been to the cemetery today to put new flowers for mum and my sister. There were so many people there attending funerals. It's like a conveyor belt. I think it's sad that after a relatively long life , their funeral is all over so quickly. It's not enough time sometimes to be able to speak about the person who has died.

Last night I had to go to a school event & I sat at the first table I got to, started chatting to other parents & there was a man there, he reminded me so much of my dad he looked a bit like my dad, even the way he spoke (no nonsense etc) was just like him, at one point I felt tears well up ... part of me wanted to just go up to him & ask him to give me a hug, I couldn't even look at him .... it was hard I miss my dad so much x

It's horrible isn't it chicken. I find myself looking at all the ladies similar to my mums age group, they all have the same colour and style of hair, the same type of clothes, it makes my heart go in my mouth.

Hi - hope you don't mind me joining? My dad died 21 years ago, my mum and my sister lived together. My sister had a rare life limiting illness that meant long periods in hospital interspersed with getting some health back before the next time.

In July my mum wasn't well, I tried to persuade her to get the doctor out but she wouldn't - eventually she agreed and was admitted to hospital. I knew deep down inside that she wasn't well.

She was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer - at the same time my sister had a relapse and was admitted to hospital. Part of her relapse involved pancreatitis - she was transferred to a teaching hospital for more intensive treatment. They took her to theatre to insert a drain into her pancreas - she bled out and arrested. They got her back and she went to Itu.

In the meantime my mum is ready for palliative chemo and needs to come home - but she can't because my sister is a hoarder and they are knee deep in rats and used inco pads. She is also refusing carers and she has lost all her balance because of brain mets.

I had to put my mum into respite whilst I tried to sort the house out. I live 200 miles away and am a single parent with two kids working 30 hours a week, but I jiggled my hours around and with a helpful ex I started to sort the house out.

A week after going into respite my mum unexpectedly deteriorated and died. I was with her at the time.

My sister came out of itu and stepped down to a ward. I had to tell her that mum had died and sort out the funeral, finances, house,probate etc. She went to rehab and came home a couple of months later.

She was still very poorly and needed a lot of support. She eventually managed to get back to work - with a walking stick, a flipflow catheter, and an amputated hand, a degree of faecal incontinence, and weighing 6 stone.

I thought we were over the worst and had weathered it again. Spring came - she was doing really well - we grieved together for our mum.

Then one day at work the police called - she hadn't pitched up for work and knowing her history they sent someone round. She was unconscious and died shortly afterwards and I wasn't there.

I keep dreaming about them all the time and I wake up with a brief sense of relief that it didn't really happen- then I realise that it did - but for a few seconds I am completely convinced that this isn't so?

I keep wanting to tell them things -ds2 got his school report the other day and my whole body was aching to pick up the phone and call them. Sometimes I call the number anyway even though I get a disconnected tone - just to hear the familiar sounds of the beeps on the keypad.

No one will answer though.

Am I going mad?

Oh knackered, I am so sorry for you. This breaks my heart.

Oh my god knackered what a truly awful time you have gone through. No you aren't going mad, it's all the grief you have suffered. I know what you mean about the phone, I still have my mums number in my mobile and I will never take it off ! Like you, I also have lost a sister and I know how awful that is as well.
Do you think it would help to speak to someone and have some counselling ?
Your brain has had a lot to process. I expect your doc could refer you or maybe you can phone someone yourself if that's what you choose to do.
It's hard enough to look after two children when you have no help, and to go through all this and work must of taken it's toll on you. How long ago was all this ?

Knackered, you've been through so much, please keep posting x my phone still says "mum & dad" for their number and one of my clocks stopped about half an hour before my dad died ... I can't/won't put new batteries in it, it's been 7 or 8 months, I'm sure people think I'm crazy because only a very few people know when it stopped & what it means to me x

I hope it's ok that I join you here.

It's day 3. Almost 59 hours exactly since my wonderful mom passed.

I've barely cried yet. A few wobbly moments but not the gut wrenching sobbing I'd expected. I guess it'll hit me like a sledge hammer at some point.

She had been ill for a few years, not expected to be life threatening though. She stopped breathing for reasons currently unknown and was resuscitated. We had the week from hell going from hoping for the best to hoping for the worst since she wouldn't have wanted to be here in body and not in spirit. My siblings, her fiancé and I got to say goodbye and hold her as she passed for which I'll be eternally grateful.

Hi sheep, you're stuck with me until mummylin comes along !!! I didn't break down either (I thought I would have) you're probably in shock & need to look after yourself, please keep posting, everyone on this thread is great x

Thanks for posting chicken

I feel a bit guilty for not breaking down if I'm honest. It hits me occasionally and almost feels like I've been winded and can't take a breath but that passes.

It's really early days sheep, I know the feeling of not being able to breathe etc if that happens & you start to panic breathe in deeply through your nose & exhale slowly through your mouth until you feel ok x have you got anyone irl to support you? x

And I totally understand you wanting her to pass, I felt like that for a long time with my dad, for him there was no hope of recovery & I wanted his suffering to end, please don't feel guilty, I know that all I wanted was the best for my dad & I'm 100% sure he knows/knew that, it's really really hard on everyone that is left behind but as much as I miss him, he's in a better place now & that's all that matters to me deep down x

Hello sheep first of all I'm sorry you have joined the club that no-one wants to be in. I would think that at the moment you must be in some sort of shock. I would imagine that the last couple of weeks have been horrendous for you and your family. It is still so early for you, and it am sure at some point the tears will flow.They are all a part of the grieving process and you need to let your emotions out, do not make the mistake I did when my sister died, I was the brave one trying to keep everything together in front of my siblings, ten months later I paid the price and was ill with depression.
I think that when we lose someone, a part of us dies too.but in saying that, we learn to carry on with our lives somehow, and eventually learn to live with acceptance that the person has really gone, it is tough and very sad. Our mums /dads are so important to us. I miss my mum terribly nearly 4 yrs on. There isn't a day goes past that I don't mention her / think about her and can still get very very sad about her not being here.
But as I said life does go on, although it's never the same again. I was lucky that my siblings and I are very close and they helped me through my mums death. Don't be surprised if you suddenly get overcome with your emotions. I promise you that in a few months the days between crying and feeling relatively ok do get fewer, with longer gaps in between.
For now and the immediate days , spend time with those you love and support each other. I hope others in RL will offer you the support you will need. One day at a time is the best way.
There is a saying " the price of love is grief " I think this is very true.
Please post at anytime, usually someone pops by and will reply to you

chicken hope things are going ok for you. Any plans for the weekend ?

Hi mummylin, I haven't got/had any plans, my youngest dc still has a few days of school then he's off to secondary in sept so I'm not looking forward to that, I'll be in tears I've been a bit upset this week but that's because there have been a lot of "triggers" lately I still haven't got any definite plans for the summer holidays & I feel a bit like I'm in limbo x

Thank you.

They're wise words. Particularly around letting it out and depression later along the line. I've been there before.
I am feeling like I need to be the strong one though now, my DB was struggling with his mental health beforehand so I am keeping a close eye on him.

I'm alone right now, in the spare bed in her house and still I can't feel anything but love, respect and a strange peaceful feeling. I too think maybe I'm still in shock. We were very close. I spent several hours a day, more or less everyday, with her. We talked about everything. I miss her but am still chatting away like she's right next to me.

Sheep, I haven't got anything constructive to say, but I've read your post xx

Just popping in to see how you are sheep are you still at your mums house. Is it the house that you grew up in ? I guess the funeral arrangements are now being arranged which us a horrible thing to have to do, but necessary .Look after yourself.
chicken hope you are doing ok and everyone else , hope you are progressing on with your lives and can now enjoy things . Thinking of you all., especially Badvoc and SSD x

hi how is everyone? keeping busy here, school finished today which was nice. managed to hold it together at ss leavers assembly, it will be so strange not being greeted with a hug every morning from September. ds happy to be on holiday but has had an injury today so keeping close eye on him

Hello SM what has your ds done ? Hope he will be ok. How is your mums garden looking ? Any plans for the holidays yet.

Thanks chicken and thanks mummylin.

I've stayed at my own house the last two nights. But will be back at mums tonight and for the weekend. It is the house we grew up in and its somewhere my 2DBs and I can feel comfortable being together during the day. Funeral arrangements have been held up further by the coroners office so we can't start that part of the process until tomorrow. The waiting has been tough and while practically there is stuff that needs doing in the house, none of us are ready for that.

sheep my brother and I were executors for my mum and we had to empty the house. We very often used to get there, take one look and feel overwhelmed by it all and go home without doing anything at all. It's all very upsetting and I feel for you having to do it. Glad you have siblings, you can all support each other.

I can see why thinking about the house would be daunting you should do it when you and your siblings feel ready if there are no time constraints.

ml - ds got grass seed in his eye at school and it had swollen up pretty badly.ive taken him to ooh today and they've advised to keep rinsing out. he's OK much better than yesterday anyway. the garden is looking okay have put two new ornaments in over last few weeks, taken on an exciting project with local council as volunteer so that's a plus. summer holidays plans are mostly swimming, using the new park, they do film evenings at our swim baths which are relatively cheap, ds will be 8! it's bittersweet thinking back to his 5th birthday and mum sitting next to him tangled up in balloons every year older he gets its one she won't see. how are you doing? have you been keeping busy/up too much

Lots of gardening, it's looking very pretty but I hate having to deadhead all the flowers every day -and the watering too, but I do gave a lovely new hose that my ds bought me for Xmas which dosent kink up, so it's much easier. Our garden is nearly 100 ft long and I gave flowers everywhere, plus tomatoes , runner be and and chillis growing. Will post you a pic