Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again, yet another thread. I am worried about the big tree by my mums grave. I would be horrified if mums stone was smashed, and my sisters too come to that as they are side by side.

that's why this thread is so good for all of us, we can say things here that if we said it to others they would be shocked/short with us (speaking from experience here), but I'm sure all of us here can identify with the feelings expressed, to me that's a godsend, not being judged but being commiserated with instead

It doesn't sound awful, it's completely understandable. Don't feel bad about it, I think it's normal to resent the still living in-laws. I too resent my fil sometimes simply because it seems horridly unfair that he gets to spend so much time with my children and my dad never will. Fil is a wonderful man but the feelings can't be helped.

Grief is a hard thing to deal with and you need to put yourself first in order to heal.

I think to understand the feelings of a bereaved child, even though adult is very hard to understand. We are adults and according to some we are supposed to recover in a matter of weeks. But we all know that is utter rubbish and our lives have been changed forever. It is hard when all around you see others out with their mums / dads and think how lucky they are, and they actually don't appreciate it and won't until they lose her / him. I don't feel resentful as such towards others but I do get incredibly sad. I want my mum too !

ssd - I felt so sad for you - how do you pull yourself together after an event like this. You don't have to - you grieve at your pace.

Or perhaps she just didn't know what to say to you. I've had some really crass comments since my mum passed away. But equally I've had people say and write some wonderful things about her.

When my mum was first diagnosed with cancer over 20 years ago some of her friends acted really weird - one even saw us in the street and backed away from us. You would think it was the dark ages and cancer was catching!

You're right you can say anything on here and we do understand. I've lost people in my life but nothing prepares you for the loss your mum. My anchor has gone. But I need to be the anchor for my children and that's what a loving mum prepares you to be.

I'm ok why me

but you know what, I can say this here but I'd never say it out loud to anyone, but there are 2 people I know who have really not shown me much kindness or sympathy when mum died, they knew my dad had already died years before, well much as I like their mums and would honestly never wish them any harm, well sometimes I think "I cant wait till you lose both your parents and you have no safety net/24 hr babysitter/cash cow at the ready to make your life easier, lets see how you cope then"...I hope I'm around to see how strong they are and how they shouldn't be living in the past and should get over their grief quicker...like they tell me

I know that sounds bad, I dont want their parents gone at all, but I want them to know a bit of what its like

see I'm just a bad person

i hate how someone elses loss suddenly rips open mine like its fresh.. and then i realise 10 months is no time at all, and then i feel guilty for encouraging mom to start moving on with her life.

DH told me today he'd booked some time off work for my dads anniversary so i could be with mom.

How can we be coming up to a year without him? It barely seems like yesterday that i last help him. I miss him so much today. I was looking through some old videos of my kids, and i heard his voice on one...god i miss that sound.

Batdog yes we do get ripped open don't we. It's very hard. Tomorrow is exactly four months since I lost my dad. I miss him so much.
It's a very supportive thing to do to encourage your mum and probably what your dad would want x

Ssd, I've lost my best friend over my dad dying. I was frankly disgusted with her lack of thought or care for me or my family. I don't wish her any loss but I know when that day comes for her, that is when she will realise how crap she was to me.

candy., I so get you x

Thanks again. Your replies have really helped.

candyas some on here already know. I no longer speak to my neighbour because he didn't even acknowledge my mums death. This was despite my mum knitting for his dd when his wife left and he had no money. He had known my mum over 20 yrs and I found it so hurtful, I will never speak to him again. It certainly sorts out your your true friends and the people that really care.
ssdi get where you are coming from. One day these uncaring folks will see how truly awful it is. I wonder what they will say when others tell them to " snap out of it" if only it was that simple.

ssd - you're not a bad person. You can come here and say how you feel and we will understand.

When these so called friends lose a parent they may be just so shallow they will never understand the hurt you're feeling because you had a special relationship and perhaps they have never had that bond.

I was feeling really down today and I looked at the obituaries in the local paper - everyone that had passed was older than my mum - I said to my dad that it wasn't fair that my mum only got to 72 but he said that she had touched so many lives it didn't matter how long she had been on the earth - she knew she was loved and had given love unconditionally. So she had made a difference. (That did set me off - floods).

Hope it's ok to join in here. My dad had cancer and passed away 6th Jan. He died at home surrounded by so any people who love and miss him. I just feel lost. His funeral isn't for another week. The thing I struggle so much with is that he lost so much weight he didn't look like my dad and at the moment that it all I see.

Im sorry to hear about your dad it sounds as though he was surrounded by love. I know what you mean mum looked so different and sometimes it can't be helped that we go back to that, it will get easier to remember the good.

Hello archiesnan I am sorry for your loss. Your bereavement is of course very very recent, but I can say that eventually your happier memories will come back. It takes a while , and whilst you will never stop missing and loving your dear dad, your fun times together will be a comfort to you.i am now three years on and last week my cousin and I had a real laugh about both our mums and the things they had done ( my cousins mum died just before Xmas ) and it was lovely to think of fun instead of being immersed in sorrow.
I expect you are in a bit of a daze right now. But I hope you and any siblings / family can all support each other. Do look after yourself it us very easy to miss meals etc, but it's vital you keep yourself well at this time.
I am sorry you have had to join us here. But it is a place where we all relate to each other even though our circumstances are varied. It helps to chat to others so much, so anytime you want to chat / rant please join us.

Archiesnan I know exactly how you feel. My dad died of bowel cancer four months ago, at home, surrounded with love. And it took me weeks to not see how he looked in the final days, so unlike him. After he had died, his Macmillan palliative nurse visited and looked at a photo of him from when he was fit and well. He said Oh is that what he really looked like? Because he only saw a very poorly man. It breaks your heart.
However, now my first thought is not the cancer, it's my dad's beautiful smiling face. But it is a process and I am always saying that watching someone be ill is a trauma in itself. Be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.
Also, while it is lovely to be at home and I'm so pleased for my dad that he got his wish to die at home, it's actually very hard for us, the family, because we end up doing the things that medical staff would do in a hospital. I wouldn't change a thing about it, but just want to say you've had a very tough time and be very gentle with yourself x

Hi archi. My mum died of cancer on the 16th January. She was on a lot of steroids so put on a lot of weight and puffed up
It was so hard to see her like that, as you say, she didn't look like her. Sometimes it feels like she was I'll do long I can has hardly remember what she was like before.

We have been getting stuff ready for the funeral, looking through old photos and talking about her life. It had been really hard but had helped my to see her how she was again, rather then just having the image of her sick stuck in my head.

Thank you all for your replies. I can relate candy about doing all the things medical staff do, he wanted to stay at home because we have such a big family he was worried the hospice wouldn't allow everyone there. The house was always full. He passed away with nine of us on the bed with him - we even laughed that it will end up going through the floor.
We have new photos up of smiling happy dad and when we are feeling up to it we will be getting out the old cine films from when we were little.

hi archiesnan, you sound like you have a lovely close family, your dad certainly did his job well!! I hope you get some comfort from having them around you in these difficult weeks x

Good morning all,

I've been away with the girls this weekend. Only cried once!

I have a day off and I will be spending it ironing all day.

Hope everyone is doing ok x

Hi Candy,

Hope you enjoyed your weekend with your girls.

I am feeling quite low again now as my mum's first anniversary approaches in a few weeks. I can't believe a year has gone by. I had managed to stop thinking about those last few weeks of her life when she was so ill and so thin and could not get out of bed. But now those thoughts have come flooding back as I remember this time last year.
I have also been finding it very upsetting recently that my mum never got to meet my youngest daughter who was born nearly 3 months after she died. She was just crazy about my older daughter, now three and it breaks my heart she will not be around for another birthday, to see her start school or any other milestone.
I feel really jealous when I see other women my age having coffee or shopping with their mums.
At least though I am so glad I appreciated her while she was here and spent so much time with her. I feel blessed we had such a good relationship .
I must say I never understood grief really before I experienced it.

Morning Grey. Yes grief is not like you imagine. It's all pervasive.
I understand the jealousy you feel, I get the same pangs when I see men my dads age. I don't know if it would help you to know that while I may be one of those women having a coffee with my mum, actually we are both sat there heartbroken because we miss my dad. But yes, I no longer take those coffees for granted and know they have a finite point now, which is a bit sad too.
I have already booked off work the day of my dads anniversary which is another eight months away for me as I know it will be awful. Sending you a big squeeze, which I know is inadequate x

Hello all have been having trouble with our Internet, it drives me mad when I'm without it ! How quickly we come to rely on it.
Hope you are all coping and taking each day as it comes.

Hi all how are you doing. The vertigo is back so I'm sulking. I've been searching for the dress but think its pointless it was eight years ago and nowhere is likely to have it now, even if they did I can't afford to rebuy it but finding it really hard to accept it's gone always said id get married In that dress things not so good in chez Mario tonight . What have you all been up too x

Hello guys

Just jumping in very quick, been crazy here, seriously stop the train i want to get off!! teenagers eh!! Oh well hopefully we will turn a corner soon.

I always think of you all on this thread and sending hugs to all on the thread.
T xx