Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again, yet another thread. I am worried about the big tree by my mums grave. I would be horrified if mums stone was smashed, and my sisters too come to that as they are side by side.

for you mummylin xx

Mummylin and trucking, I did go and speak to my mother's oncologist after she died. Even though I was there when she died, I really needed to know and to hear them tell me how it had happened. I don't know why really. I suppose I just wanted to know for sure that there was nothing we could have done differently.
Her anniversary is approaching now. It is very hard to believe a year has passed without her. I spoke to her every day.
I feel like even though I have DH and my two girls, and my sister I am very close to, and lots of good friends, nothing can ever replace the relationship I had with my mum.

Hugs to you Grey.

We had a very matter of fact district nurse visit three days before my dad died. She said "has anyone explained the end of life process?" . She explained in very simple layman terms what would happen with my dads body over the coming time ahead and I asked my dad if he understood and he said yes. I am so grateful to her because it made it less frightening as we watched it unfold.

Today is world cancer day, and since so many in my family have been taken or been affected by cancer, I do hope we can find cures one day.

that sounds very reassuring candy, but I know I couldnt have handled that. I couldnt face my mum dying, we never had a funeral plan or discussed anything, other than she said she wanted her ashes put with my dads. I spent her last year just trying to keep her alive as long as possible. Maybe as she didnt have cancer and just died of old age we didnt have any nurses or visitors to discuss end of life care. My dad did, but he discussed it with mum, not me. Its so hard just to accept your mum has died. Two years on I'm starting to accept it and trying to make peace with it. But I woke up early last weekend and I thought "I havent taken mum out for ages, why havent I?" in a panic. I was the only person who took her out the house. I felt I'd left her in too long, but then I remember she just wasnt here anymore.

I dont think theres anything to compare to grief. I havent found anything that compares and I hope to god I never do.

Like you ssd we also had no idea what was to happen. Especially when mum wasn't even ill as such. The questions do haunt me though. The only time she felt ill was on sat morn when she was admitted to hospital, by the afternoon she was back to normal and didnt feel even a little bit ill. That's why it was such a shock when she died the next morning , and I can never get over that awful shock.
Well tomorrow it's the birthdays. I will be going to the crem to take my sister flowers, and of course I will do my mums too. Such a cold place in the winter time.

I was there when mum died. A nurse stayed with us right until the last moment and the doctor talked me through every step. They were amazing. I'm in touch with my mums consultant too, who is just an angel and she looked at my mums notes from A&E and explained it all. I rang our Macmillan nurse today but got the answerphone. I just want to ask a question or two that are going round and round in my head. I went for a counselling session today. I nearly cancelled (for the 2nd time) but I figured I should give it a shot at least. It wasn't helpful. I just felt like a prat, sitting there crying, telling a stranger about random shit!

stick with it truckingalong

the first session you are just telling your story and getting it out

the next session you will feel more of a bond with the counsellor.

mummylin, will be thinking of you tomorrow xx

Because mum was in a hospice when she died I think we had a lot more support and information than many. A couple of days after she died we had a short if follow up meeting with one of the nurses where she went through everything with us and talked about bereavement and grief it was really helpful I think.

Mummylin I agree - there is nothing to compare to grief. I also realise now that I did not understand grief fully until I experienced it. I always get terrible for people who were going it but I know now that I did not really understand it.

Candy- in the last day or two we also had a palliative care nurse who was very kind and helpful in explaining what was happening. In our case mum had been ill for some time, but took a very sudden turn for the worse. She started becoming confused and then having hallucinations. We brought her into hospital to meet her consultant as we were worried it was something to do with her chemo. She died 3 days later. They explained that the confusion was part of end of life. Even though we knew her cancer was terminal, I felt really shocked. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for the families of people who die suddenly.

Yes cemeteries are very cold in winter, hope tomorrow goes ok for you Mummylin.

Hi Grey.
Yes my dad had the confusion and hallucinations. It's very strange to watch that happen. A week before he died he was out walking and then the next day he couldn't get out of bed without his legs giving away and every day after that brought a new loss.
Someone who does bereavement counselling explained to me that you still experience shock even when someone has been terminally ill for a while. The first shock is the diagnosis, then the trauma of the illness where you focus on life and trying to prolong it. And then the shock of that ending and trying to get your head around what just happened.
Having watched my dads turmoil and desperate sadness at not wanting to die, I think on a personal level I understand why people say they want to just go quietly in their sleep. But of course for those left behind its unbelievable hard. X

Hi all lack of posts at moments have some type of fluey thing and I am in bed !

poor you mummylin, I had that a few weeks ago and its pretty awful!!

you need plenty of hot drinks and sympathy!

hope you feel better soon xx

Rotten flu! Hope you are soon on the mend mummylin.

My former best friend has messaged my husband to say she has de friended him on FB.

Her message is full of sympathy for herself, her loss, her pain, her suffering at losing her friendship with me.

She said she had hoped I would have calmed down by now. So my upset at her not even considering attending my dads funeral was just her a minor infraction which I needed to calm down about it seems.

In fact I was only ever calm. I just lost respect for her because she sent me ridiculous messages in the week my dad died that were very self absorbed, and never once asked how I was. I realised I would never be able to look at her in the same way again.

She doesn't understand this but I've given up and moved on.

its very very hard candy, the way some people who are meant to care for us react when we really need them, I'll never understand it....but I'm starting to try to get over my hurt that happened to me, I can understand it and I'll never forgive, but with my family I have to try to move on a bit as its doing no one any harm except myself.

others just dont seem to notice the hurt they have caused, your friend sounds extremely selfish but sadly this is how some people are, even when we are obviously suffering and they just dont see it.

I ways knew she was flaky but just accepted this as part of her scatterbrain personality. But it's painful to realise someone who I put my trust in for twenty years is so sf centred that she can ony think about her self. I really don't understand how she can be so appallingly insensitive and unself aware. I feel a fool for making so many excuses for her over the years. All I've heard from her since my dad dad is how she's feeling. I even pointed out to her that she wasn't asking everyone how I was at all but it made not one jot of difference. I'm starting to see someone who I thought was a friend as very selfish and immature, attention seeking and full of her own self importance. The change in my outlook to her is quite unsettling.

asking me not asking everyone

yes, its a shock to realise someone you cared about and thought a lot of has turned out to be so shallow.

I'd hate to be thought of like that, I really hope no one has had to think of me like that before.

candy, have you ever heard of the drains and radiators analogy here?

it really struck a chord with me, it more or less said that there are 2 kinds of people in life, drains or radiators....drains suck the life out of you and leave you cold and depleted and radiators fill you with comfort and warmth.

And in life, the radiators are usually people who have had it hardest and had to overcome sad obstacles, and the drains sail through life with things going their way.

That's interesting ssd. I finally de friended her on FB, quietly without any fanfare, the other week after the umpteenth status about her cold.
As someone who has a disability and other health issues as well as other health crises in my immediate family going on, I finally snapped and thought I don't need to see this endless whinging about nothing.

I've defriended everyone on fb!!

I only had family on it and I just couldnt stand the hurt it was causing me, it didnt mean much to anyone else when mum died, and the fb posts made it obvious. There was only so much I could take. I still dont go near it.

tis crap, isnt it!!

Love to all of you, got apt with doc later, prob need steroids and anti b,s again as now gone to my chest.
You certainly do find out who are your real friends when you are dealt a bitter blow. I was one of the lucky ones and have found all my friends fine, just the dreaded neighbour ! The only thing is You now know your true friends who are there through thick and thin.
ssd I think you have been dealt a bitter low not just from your so called friends but family too! I really feel for you. X

Hope the antibiotics do the trick mummylin. I was reading how flu has mutated this year meaning flu jabs didn't work, it seems to have been a really bad flu season.

Re my former friend, I think it is about whether you age with increased self awareness and empathy for others or if you remain stuck in a "I am the centre of the universe" outlook. I know I am being very harsh but I am incredulous at her sending messages about her pain and loss about someone who has had an actual loss. She feels very sorry for herself. And no inkling that it is precisely this self absorption that caused this situation. I am getting past it. In fact I already was but the wound has been reopened by her silly message.

Ssd, luckily I also get support from my FB lot and I find it an accessible tool to keep in touch with people. But yes, staying away from the upsetting stuff is a good strategy. Mummylin is right, you've had it very hard. Thank goodness we can let off steam here x

no, my friends were fine, I have no worries over them, they did as best they could. It was my immediate and only family who left and forgot me. But I'm realising now, they never bothered with mum so I was naive to think they may bother with me. Its how they are. Luckily mum and dad and I were always very very close and I'll always treasure that.

That's nice SSD. I think us lot on here were close to their parents. I can't speak for those who aren't close as that is not my experience.

Sorry to barge in and I will confess I have not read back but just need to get this out.

My Dad died nearly 3 years ago. It's not coming up to the anniversary or any other 'significant' date but just feeling really sad and upset and missing him at the moment. Random bursting into tears type sad. It's just crap isn't it? How is it possible that someone can just be gone and never coming back ever? And that life just carries on and they miss it all? It's not fair. (I realise I sound like a toddler having a tantrum).

That's it, just need to get that out.

Sorry x