Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again, yet another thread. I am worried about the big tree by my mums grave. I would be horrified if mums stone was smashed, and my sisters too come to that as they are side by side.

Congratulations pink! I had a big one to, wish she had come out the sunroof. I don't think my bits will ever recover. Anyway, moving swiftly on, it is lovely to have a new life at a time like this

My mum's funeral is now arranged for the 28th, two days after her birthday. My dad is doing most of the phoning around but I said i'dget in touch with my brother we are all NC with. I figure he needs to be told even if he is only going to be an arsehole about it

Hi Geebie,

So sorry you lost your dad. Yes come and join us, it's a sad reason to have to join us but we all understand one another.

I have found that grief is a physical thing. I feel drained and exhausted most of the time. The amount of coffee I drink trying to get my self going. X

Hello geebie I am sorry you have lost your dad at such a young age. It seems like the end of the the world dosent it, you wonder how everyone else just carries on doing things like shopping etc. you feel like telling them all" how can you just shop when I have lost my dad / mum" I hope you are surrounded by a loving family and good friends we will be here for when you need to talk . Take care.

I was on the last thread - my mum passed away suddenly on 16th December and we had her funeral on Friday 16th January.

My nasty evil stbxh threatened to turn up but he didn't thank god. He would have been torn apart after what he has put us through.

Everything went as well as could be expected and I think she would have loved the flowers and the vicar got her middle name wrong but I think she would have laughed as that - she always actually like the name Jessica!

As we walked out of the service I finally felt at peace despite the grief. I had a quiet moment in my head - he wasn't in it.

The music was perfect and the vicar was just right.

I was one of the hardest days of my life and I will not be able to listen to the songs for a while but we got through it together.

Everything had a meaning to us.

Hello whyme I am glad that the funeral of your dear mum bought you some semblance of peace. It sounds like it was exactly how your mum would of liked it. I know why you mean bout certain music. You will now always associate the music with this sad time. It is very early days for you and I'm sure your feelings will be up and down for now. I hope you too have some good support Round you. I am your ex didn't turn up And there was no disruption to your day . There is always someone here when you want to chat. Take care of yourself.

God I feel rotten today, loaded with the cold and am in bed, not going to work and wont get paid..oh well. I want to phone my mum and get sympathy, you know "mum sympathy" and have her say "thats a shame darling", no one else calls me darling now, my mum and dad always did. I texted dh but hes at work. Its rubbish being unwell as a mum, the only person who gives you the sympathy you want is your own mum. Another part of losing your parents that hits you in the gut. Its all so friggin crap.

I know what you mean ssd. I keep thinking sorry of forgetting my mum is fine and thinking I need to see her for a cuddle to make me feel better, and then of course I remember the reason I feel so awful and that she won't be able to give me hugs any more when I feel miserable. It just hits you right in the chest.

I'm glad to hear the funeral gave you some closure whyme. I have a similar fear about my brother turning up but he has apparently said he isn't coming, which is a relief. I really hope he sticks to his word for once.

We've had to move the date to the 30th as the venue missed that they already had something booked for the 28th. Very annoying.

I've told work that I'll be back on the Monday after. I just can't face dealing with people until we have the funeral out the way. I know everyone at work will be lovely and I don't think I would be able to cope right now.

Isn't it horrible when the realisation hits you hearthe it's the physical presence we miss and their voice etc.
I have just rang my cousin whose mum died just before Xmas. She was very tearful but we both managed to have a couple of chuckles over our mums and things that happened in the past.
I went to the crem yesterday and cleared all the Xmas stuff away, I was glad to see that the big tree is still standing. Although lots of small branches around the cemetery. There are some little daffodils just poking their way through the earth which I was glad to see, spring won't be too far away !

Should read hearmy sorry !

Mind if I join? My dad died very suddenly 19 months ago and I seem to only now have started to grieve for him. The rest of my family fell apart so I forced myself to hold it together as someone had to make all of the arrangements - due to this I didn't seem to grieve for him at all until the day ds2 was born, only 2 months ago, and I realised dad would never meet him. That was the first time I cried over his death.

When he died I hadn't seen him for about 6 months, I honestly don't even know why it was so long. It was 4 days after Father's Day - the first and only year I hadn't been to visit him due to DS being poorly. I keep thinking about this and can't get past the guilt.

I can't believe he will never hug me again

Hello Flying,

I think your dad would be exceptionally proud of you for holding it together and putting your family first.
It's easy to get stuck on a particular issue, we all do it. As hard as we try there will always be some what ifs. It sounds like you were a wonderful daughter and missing one Father's Day with very good reason is just what happens sometimes.
Please be kind to yourself x

Thanks mummylin and candykane, and hello FlyingRincewind. I really appreciate your kind words. It's actually almost a year since he died, but a bit like FlyingRincewind it's only recently that it's really started to hit home, as I also had to try and hold it together and just keep going at the time. Now I feel there's a sort of sadness there almost all the time. I described it to my DH as being like when you're trying to do something on your laptop but there's a programme running in the background which is stopping everything else from working properly. Well the sadness feels like that 'programme in the background'.

Hope everyone is doing okay today, thanks again for the welcome to this board.

Hello flying welcome to the thread . It's so upsetting when things pop up to constantly remind us isn't it. There is no answer to it and all we can do really is get through the time as best as we can. Just when you think you are making great strides to recover from grief, something as you say is always there. I don't think I will ever fully recover, there is constantly someone missing who can never be replaced. Do come and chat with us whenever you need a few listening ears.

such a relief to have this thread. I was talking to someone today who is older than me and still lives with her mum in the same house she grew up in, she was quite short with me and told me I have to move on and stop dwelling in the past and stop being bitter about how bad my siblings have been, she said it seems I've been depressed since my mum died and I need to get on with things and appreciate everything I have....

I wanted to scream, YES i KNOW.....but you try it!!!

quite frustrating really

Thank you candykane, that really helps. I'm glad I found this thread as it's very difficult to talk about this in rl.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad geebie. That's far too young.

Posted too soon. Thank you mummylin. I think you're right, it's not something you ever fully recover from as there will always be someone missing from photographs or family gatherings etc.

God ssd that's awful! I know it can be hard to understand what it is like if you haven't been through it but that's just so callous.

How upsetting for you ssd how did you manage to bite your tongue. Very easy for people who haven't been through this heartbreak to say things like that. She was talking out of her a**e !

I really like that analogy geebie. We went to the hospice to pick up mum's stuff today and talked to one of the nurses. She described bereavement as being like a heavy rucksack. At first it's hard to bear but after a time you sort of get used to it and sometimes you might stop noticing it as much, while another time you will suddenly remember it and feel it's weight like new. What ever happens though it is always there in the background.

It will be my mum's 58th birthday on Monday. I'm going to ask my dad if he wants to go for a quiet walk and lunch at a place mum liked to go a lot. It seems a bit unfair having to deal with her death and her birthday at the same time.

Hearny, I think making plans is a good tactic. This is our year of firsts and I plan to include my dad in all the big days.
Ssd, your friend just doesn't get it at all. I must confess I didn't understand at all beforehand what grief of losing a parent/s is like. Luckily I've always been in the mindset that there is no time limit to grief so I've never said anything like that to anyone!
Yes I like the computer programme analogy. I describe it as living life but with a body that is made of lead. Or thinking with a head that is full of black cloud.

Hi. Every so often I feel the need to rejoin this thread. Lost my dad 26 years ago at aged 20. As a result my mum was so very important in my life. Lost her nearly 4 years ago now. Most of the time now I can remember the good times (there were so many) but equally I am often hit by a great sadness as she missed out on so much. She never met my 3rd child and didn't get to see middle childs christening or their holy communions etc.
Increasingly I am finding myself resenting mil as she is obviously a big part of our lives. Before my mums deaths we probably spent more time with mil than my mum on special occassions as my mum had 6 dc. I deeply regret this now. I also find spending time with inlaws painful. Especially when they can be so insensitive. On the 1st Xmas without my mum mil said something daft. Sil (who must have been tipsy) said well at least your mum can't embarrass you. Mil was with us last mothers days and tbh I was finding it tough especially as my mum died in March. She said something unpleasant about me as I wasn't being very proactive with dc etc which I found out about tbrough dc. Now I am approaching the anniversary and Mothers Day season and I am searching for dtrategies to copr. Giving mil a wide birth on Mothers Day is a start. Sorry rambling and probably need to go to bed. Thank you

strategies to cope

Dh has also struggled to support me. On the day of my mums funeral I sat staring at computer crying after holding it together all day. He asked my what was I watching that was sad. Well actually I buried my mum today.

angeleyes72, I so get it, I remember completely resenting my FIL (who was a nice old man) seeing my kids, esp ds2, as my dad had died and missed out on so much. I knew it was unreasonable but thats just how I felt, another friend was appalled when I told her. I think you need to be in our position to understand it. I'm sorry. I've lost both parents too and I know how utterly devastating it is when you were very close to them.

mummylin, yes she was talking out her a**e! She was actually quite short with me, like why was ssd still going on about this, she actually said "you sound very bitter, and very poor me" and I felt like saying well I am bloody sorry for myself, I've go no parents now and my siblings are crap and you're sat there in your mums house with her there supporting you all the time!" but of course I didnt say anything, I just let her ramble. I know for sure she'll fall apart once her mum goes, she has lived with her for 50 odd years and her mum has paid for practically everything she wants. It takes all sorts, doesnt it...

Angel I am sorry you have lost both your parents and your mum sounds like she did a great job with your family. You sound like you loved her very much and enjoyed her company and she would have known that.
Please don't beat yourself up if she had to split herself between you and your siblings. There are pros and cons to families of all shapes and sizes.
I sometimes have to say to my DH that I need a hug, or for him to listen, or for him to respond, because he doesn't understand the complexities of my grief.
As for the in-laws, yes, I feel like that sometimes. My heart pings when I see my DD in her other Grandads arms. I would make other plans for Mother's Day, put yourself first.
SSD, I think a friends role is to support you. If she feels you need support, is she doing anything to help you? If she's just criticising you, that doesn't feel very friendly. Sorry for the childishness but I am blowing a raspberry at your friend (I find it usually works for me but I am not very grown up). X

I also confess to similar feelings of resentment towards my mil. She is perfectly nice but it just seemed so unfair that she should be happy and healthy while my mum was so ill. Especially since she is at least 10 years older then my mum. Over Christmas I persuaded dh to only invite her over for Christmas eve so I could be at work all day and only have to see her for a couple of hours over dinner. It just hurt so much.

Gosh, that sounds awful doesn't it and I haven't dared tell anyone else because I know it is completely unreasonable of me to project my hurt onto her like that. I just try and manage her visits carefully and remind myself that it's just bad luck that it was my mum and that I wouldn't really wish this on anyone.