Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again, yet another thread. I am worried about the big tree by my mums grave. I would be horrified if mums stone was smashed, and my sisters too come to that as they are side by side.

it is shit badroly.

I dont understand it either.

Its shit and crap and no one seems to get it, except folks on here.

Hello everyone, I would like to share something my brother sent me.
Got meds now so infection should be getting better !

My mum died 16 years ago when I was 15, it was terminal cancer and I still remember seeing her in hospital the week before she died, it was horrific and that image has never left me.
My dad has since remarried and I've recently been thinking a lot about my mum, I was a horrible teenager and never appreciated what a good mum she was, until I became an adult and had children of my own.
I don't remember alot about my mum, i guess I always saw her as just "mum" I never really got to know her as a person, I'd love to talk to my dad about her and find out more about her, but I don't know how to approach it.
My dad's new wife is lovely, and my dad does talk about my mum sometimes in conversation, I just feel awkward talking about her in front of my stepmum, I don't know why.
I often dream about my mum, not nice dreams either, in them she's still unwell and then just disappears, I don't know why I'm posting this, I don't really know how to talk to people in rl without sounding weird or crying.
:-(

Badroly, I don't get it either. I just can't compute how someone can die and we're all still here, just carrying on. It's such a weird concept and my brain just goes into meltdown tring to comprehend it! I reckon most people feel the same though. It's such a bloody strange concept and its absolutely shit.

My father passed away on monday, I was with him when it happened. He was an alcoholic and was suffering from liver and kidney failure so it was expected.
I can't stop forcing myself to live out the memory of him going, if its hazy in my head I have to shut my eyes and remember every bit of it which I then find really disturbing and upsetting. Why am I doing this?

Hi misery, sorry that your dad has died.
Yes we do relationship be that moment. My theory is that it's your brain trying to process what's happened. It will stop.
As the other posters here say, the concept of someone being here and then they are gone is really, really hard to fully comprehend. It doesn't make sense.

That last post was for miserableatwork, not misery.

Katd, I'm so sorry you lost your mum at a young age. I am sure you brought her so much joy in your 15 yrs together. As we do with our children, she will have savoured every moment. As for being a horrible teenager, she may well have enjoyed seeing you grow, becoming independent.
The dreams sound hard. Maybe talking about your dreams to your dad and stepmum could be a way forward, to explain you need more answers and information to give you more peace.

Hello miserableatwork I really do understand as my GC dad is an alcoholic. He also has everything wrong that you could have. But of course once they are in the grip. Nothing else is important. It has cost him everything,he now lives alone has lost my dd and their two dd,s. We know the end will not be that far off and so does he. But that is not enough to stop it.
I expect you have had to see the decline in your dad over time. So gradually you saw that you were losing him.
I expect despite the circumstances it has still hit you very hard And your brain will be going over everything that has happened.
In our situation, my gd,s ( teens ) don't like their dad at all, but love him as their dad. And there will be difficult times ahead for them.
Just take one day at a time for now, you have to do your grieving. Even though I am sure it's a very hard time for you and your family. Thinking of you at this sad time.
To other new posters I am sorry that you are finding that even years later you are still so distressed. I hope you will be able to find some support on this thread.

Feeling sad. I'm ok, but sad.

What made you sad candykane ? Did you have a sudden reminder, a piece of music or something ? This happens now and again to us all, just one little thing can be upsetting. Hopefully as the day has gone on you have cheered up a bit. But don't try and run before you can walk, it's still only a matter of weeks since you were bereaved.what you are feeling is quite normal and it's allowed !

Hi all, have not been on here lately. We've all had vomiting bug and between that and teething baby, we've not had much sleep the last week.

Candy sorry to hear you are sad. It's so tough, isn't it? I said to my sister recently how this really is the only thing you go through in life where there just is no solution, no way to make it better. I feel like whatever else happens to you in life, you can always try and do something to resolve it. But when you someone you love dies, then you are left bereft and there is really nothing you can do. I have been reading some books on bereavement recently. I can certainly identify with what's in some of them.

Badroly, you don't sound like a toddler. My mum is give just less than a year but I don't expect to miss her any less in 3 years.

Katd999, I really feel for you. I think it must be so difficult to lose a parent as a teenager. I know a few people who have had this happen and thy express similar feelings of regret about being a 'horrible teenager' and not getting to know their parent as an adult. I am sure you were like all other teenagers, difficult, but your mum still loved you. Perhaps this is something you could talk about with your dad? Maybe he could help to reassure you. If you feel awkward bringing it up, could you even just say to your dad that you have been thinking about your mum a lot since you became a mother and would like to know more about her.
I do not think it would seem weird at all. I'm sure your dad has no idea that you are thinking about it and really there is no reason for it to upset your dad's wife.
I'd encourage you to have these conversations with your dad now as who knows what tomorrow will bring and it would be awful to lose that chance.

Miserableatwork, sorry for your loss. My own father is also an alcoholic so I do have some understanding of what you have gone through. I think it is quite common to re-live a person's last days over and over in your head in the immediate aftermath of a death. I know I did this for several weeks but I don't do this anymore, although some of it has resurfaced as my mums anniversary approaches. It must introduce a lot of complicate feelings when someone dies as a result of alcoholism. Would you consider counselling at some stage? This is something I am thinking about myself.

Two things are making me sad. I constantly think of my dad in everyday thoughts forgetting he is dead. Then immediately I remember he's not here anymore and I feel sad.

Also my mum is mooting selling their house. It will be such a wrench if the house goes, my dad loved their house, he chose to die at home and I feel close to him there. I can almost fool myself into thinking he's still alive.

And generally I'm so sad that I'll never see him again, have a laugh with him, just hanging out doing nothing much but enjoying each others company. I'm sad he's missing out on so much. I'm sad my mum is sad and having to learn to manage without him.

None of these things mean I am not happy. My DH and DD and my friends all bring me much happiness. But I'm sad too, and it tears me apart. I miss him more than I can say.

I think it's almost impossible to articulate the feelings of missing them and sadness. They're just so strong and painful and yet quiet and deep inside. I dreamt of mum last night. She was home from hospital and had got better. She'd been shopping and was back at home, putting all the food away, just like she always did. There's no comfort in the dream tho. There's no happiness in seeing her for a brief moment, albeit in a dream. There's just a dull ache, an emptiness and some tears quietly shed alone upstairs away from everyone, before I get ready to face the world again.

agree, truckingalong, I pine for my mum and dad but no one would guess

candy, I hope today feels a bit better

Trucking your first 2 sentences are spot on - I didn't realise that grief caused actual physical pain.

Thank you all for your kind words, I don't know how to reply to this thread in some ways, everything I type seems so trite! It makes me wonder how many people are doing their sad crying inside but putting their happy face on outside?

Fwiw, I find the shower the best place to have a good cry when I'm more 'in control' than at the moment.

I think we are all free to say whatever we want here. It's an outlet for the many thoughts and feelings that pass through us each day.

Yes, the shower is a good place. I talk to me dad when I'm in the shower (I'm sure he is averting his eyes!).

I've had a really good cry today, wiped me out actually. Now counting down to the valentines Chinese takeaway after DD has gone to bed.

Yes trucking that is a very accurate description. Sometimes I experience a sense of panic when I really allow myself to think about the permanence, how I will never ever again see my mother's lovely face or hear her kind voice.
It's so awful. And yet everyone experiences it at some time in their life.

I pull back mainly from thinking about the permanency of it. It's too big a concept to grasp. I'm not in denial and I don't kid myself that she's just in the next room or anything and I certainly 'get' that she's not coming back but my brain starts to go into meltdown at the very idea of it. The computer most definitely says no!!!!

Hi everyone
I started a thread the other day before seeing this one re losing a parent.
I've woken up every day for the last 5 days since dad died on Tuesday sobbing that he's gone.
I can't stop thinking about his last day when i got to him but he had already slipped into unconsciousness, I'd like to think he knew i was there and I spent 12 hrs by his side until he took his last breath.

Then i look at pictures of when he was well and i cant compute the tall, big, jovial man with the frail person that lay in hospital.

I'm pregnant with my second baby too and i just feel so desperately sad on so many levels.

I'm sorry for everyone's losses on here... totally sucks hey?!

It really really sucks star but I'm actually finding it quite helpful to vent on here. It releases the pressure valve just a tiny little bit.

Star, hugs to you. I was seven months pregnant with my second when my mum died last year. It is very very hard.

Hi starfish, i lost my beautiful mum who was my best friend in the whole world, just before Christmas. She told me so many times she would love to see me have another baby. I found out a few weeks ago in pregnant. Im very happy but so, so sad they will miss out on meeting their amazing granny. It so hard isn't it. Am so worried about how i will cope with feelings when baby is here. I relied on my mum for so much xx

I hadnt posted for a long time so was reading the whole thread. Can completely identify with the raw, physical pain. It actually hurts and cant see will ever stop. I go to call or text my mum all the time. Someone told me they thought I've coped ever so well, they don't see me crying myself to sleep every night. Lots of love to everyone else in this shitty club we didnt ask to join xx

Hi heart and so sorry starfish. Hi to grey and Truckle and all of you.

Yes heart it is a shitty club but I'm also proud of you all for having the strength to support other people who are in the same boat x

I agree with those saying you can actually feels real physical pain.for weeks After my mum died I swear I felt a real ache in my heart. Like a huge rock. Also my legs didnt co - ordinate properly and they also ached. I think it was all brought on by shock and mums unexpected and sudden death.
It is awful isn't it.i don't envy anyone going through this terrible grief. I think it is a good thing to be able to speak to others who know exactly what others are feeling. But if someone hasnt experienced it yet. They really have no idea how awful it is.
I always dreaded the day would come. My mum would always be saying " one day when I'm not here " I would ask her not to talk about it as even that used to be upsetting. Then , the worst day of my life came and life can never be the same for me.
For those of you who are / were pregnant, my sister was expecting twins when mum died, she was so excited , we had no other twins in our family , and she knitted loads of little coats in readiness. Another 13 weeks and mum would of met them. It's so sad .