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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

973 replies

shabbs · 13/04/2014 13:49

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

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Original poster
shabbs · 24/05/2014 10:13

Morning girls xx

The only 'trick' I have is to pin on a smile but it is exhausting. I still get flustered when I am out of my 'comfort zone!' xx

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LilyTheSavage · 24/05/2014 10:19

Hi everybody.

I'm back again after moving house and it's gone really well. Doesn't feel like "home" yet.

mojito just pin a smile on and go out and be distracted by your friends. If you feel the conversation is veering into dangerous territory just change the subject. Let yourself have a good time.

theday thinking is dangerous and also looking at photos. Don't go there if you're feeling fragile or wobbly. It's the way to tears.

shabbs I get flashbacks too but to when Paddy died and I wasn't there to keep him safe. Not good.

Brew all round I think. xx

Original poster
shabbs · 26/05/2014 08:31

Morning girls xx

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Mojito100 · 27/05/2014 13:53

Morning all. Impending sense of doom has gone. I took your advice and pinned a smile on. It was a great night and spending some time alone with my boys the next day was just the tonic I needed. Still low on resilience which translates to low on patience but I think that is more about how much I have to do and how little I am getting done. Oh well.

LilyTheSavage · 27/05/2014 16:21

Hi everybody.

It's chucking it down here in Northamptonshire and I could really do with it stopping. My mood seems to echo the weather, so when it's fine I feel brighter. Crazy I know.
Glad you had a good time Mojito. You deserve it.

Time for Brew and Cake

Original poster
shabbs · 28/05/2014 07:37

Morning girls xx

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LilyTheSavage · 29/05/2014 07:16

Morning girls. How're you doing today?

Original poster
shabbs · 29/05/2014 07:17

Morning Lilly. xx Morning girls xx

Off to the dentist with my Mum this afternoon.....that should be fun!!!

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LilyTheSavage · 30/05/2014 07:26

Morning everybody.

How did yesterday go shabbs?

I'm handing the old house back to my (soon-to-be)ex-landlord this morning. I'm nervous about the inventory inspection which is even worse than a military march-out, but also it's the last UK home we had with my DS. Wish this morning was over.

Original poster
shabbs · 30/05/2014 08:20

Morning girls xx

The dentist went fine....BUT last night my Mum 'did a runner' from the nursing home....luckily one of the residents saw her go through the door and alerted the staff. She was gone for about 5 minutes until they found her. She managed to fall and scrapped the side of her right eye and bruised her hand. We were in A & E for over 3 hours and then treated and discharged within 3 minutes!!! What a bloody night!!! My brother is going to go and have a massive argument this morning and says he wants Mum moving to a different nursing home today!!! I understand how he is feeling but someone with advanced Alzheimers could escape from Alcatraz. So we will see what today brings Sad

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Mojito100 · 30/05/2014 09:29

Good luck with it all Shabbs. You are right about the skills of those with Alzheimer's and escaping. I have a few friends who have experienced this with their relatives and how they escaped has left us all boggled.

LilyTheSavage · 30/05/2014 12:21

Oh my goodness shabbs, as if you don't have enough to worry about. I really hope that the nursing home can learn something from this and up their efforts. Do you want to move your mum or do you feel you need to? Difficult choices.

Original poster
shabbs · 30/05/2014 13:02

I dont want to move her anywhere else - they are caring, kind, they keep her warm and well fed...this is a 'human error' which I hope they can prevent from happening again. My brother, however, is raging with anger and has a meeting with the owners today - he wants her moved somewhere else today. Which, in my opinion, will be 'the death' of my Mum - she cannot cope with more change.

She is beyond crafty - remember I only managed 6 days looking after her at my house - it is exhausting, upsetting and beyond anything I have had to do.

Was stood outside A & E entrance last night waiting for mum and the carer to arrive. An ambulance pulled up and the ambulance men carried out a little boy (aged about 18 months) he was floppy and looked so poorly. The ambulance men had panick on their faces and were literally running with him - the mum was behind trying to keep up and just sobbing. I ended up in the hospital toilets being sick over and over again.

I WANT TO RUN AWAY!!!

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Mojito100 · 30/05/2014 13:32

Oh Shabbs. How shitty.

LilyTheSavage · 30/05/2014 19:14

Oh shabbs. How hard for you to deal with. I think you are probably right to want not to move your mum. As you said, she's had enough upheaval and change. I hope in time your brother's anger will dissipate. The nursing home have learned a tough lesson and there is probably no safer place for your Mum to be now. They will be bending over backwards to look after her.

How horrid about the little boy. I do hope he's ok.

Original poster
shabbs · 31/05/2014 10:02

Morning girls xx

My brother is insisting she is moved to a more specialist nursing home........Mum says she wants to move as well. She has told me to keep my nose out of her business because my brother has always been her favourite Sad Not sure what to do about anything anymore.

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LilyTheSavage · 31/05/2014 11:20

Let them do what they want and leave them to get on with it then. It takes the pressure off you. Sad

HeavenlyE · 31/05/2014 11:47

Oh Shabbs that sounds really difficult and also a hard thing to hear but it is the illness talking. I agree with Lily you have tried and it sounds like they are both determined characters.

Lily I have missed your house move. Hope you are feeling 'ok' about it though it sounds like another difficult milestone.

Mojito I am glad you enjoyed your evening out and time with your boys.

Hello to everyone. I have been doing a little bit of keeping up with the thread but we have also been away on holiday. Nice to spend time as a family but DS2 is always missing and he should be with us enjoying family holidays too.

Does anyone else find this but I hate taking photos now. I used to really like it and have loads of us before but now it seems somehow callous to be capturing these moments DS2 isn't part of.

Speaking of photos I have been making albums for DS2 - almost finished and then I think I will put them away for a while. I just find looking at photos so painful at the moment, I had to kind of 'dissociate' from it to do the albums.

I have ummed and ahhed about posting this on the thread...in some ways I have not been ready to acknowledge it, even to myself, for a long time, but I think I am a bit more now. Anyway, after that long run up - I am expecting DC3. I am full of mixed emotions not least guilt towards DS2 that I can carry on my life and he can't. I know some of you have been in this position and wondered if you also felt so confused and conflicted? I almost don't know how I feel really. And I do feel lucky to have this chance, but I also just wish DS2 could come back.

Original poster
shabbs · 31/05/2014 12:22

Congratulations Heavenly. I understand exactly what you mean. When I was having Tom (DS4) I kept thinking everything was going to go wrong, that I wouldnt be able to cope (I was almost 41 when I had him) - he has been a massive blessing to us. You will have a million mixed emotions but a new baby is wonderful xxx

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LilyTheSavage · 31/05/2014 13:22

Hi heavenly. Huge congratulations. It's good to have some lovely news and something to celebrate. T

Mojito100 · 31/05/2014 14:13

Heavenly, how lovely to hear from you. Yes to all you said. I still do take photos but not as many as before. I am forever wishing for DD to come back and always feel the hole in our family. Holidays are hard as you are sharing such special experiences and they aren't there to join in.

Congratulations on your new baby to be. There will always be mixed emotions I'm sure but treasure them as I'm sure you will.

cathpip · 01/06/2014 05:29

We are on our last day of a short break, the first since Pippa died, it has been very hard, the hole in our family has felt more pronounced than ever. As for photos, I feel so guilty, Elliott is now 9 weeks old and I have not used the camera since she died, which was just over 7 weeks ago, Elliott has changed so much and none of it has been captured like we did for both Pips and her older brother.
Heavenly, many congratulations on your pregnancy, a new life is always a blessing.

grumpasaur · 01/06/2014 23:03

It would have been my brothers 29 birthday today. He died 2.5 years ago. I feel so bitter and twisted about his life and our relationship sometimes. Then I have moments of clarity where I realise he was my brother, I love him, and I miss him dearly. He left so suddenly and too soon.

thedaymylifestoodstill · 02/06/2014 21:08

Evening all

I have been away from the net for a while but back now and have read all your posts.

Shabbs, I hope your mum is okay and that you have been able to decide what is happening with her accommodation. I can imagine that's pretty stressful for you all. Did you have an enjoyable day with your grandson the other day?

Mojito, how are you? Don't be too tough if you are low on resilience, sometimes all we can do is wade, wade, wade very slowly. Make sure you are able to rest up if you can. How are your boys?

Lily, how are you? How'd the inspection go. I hope it wasn't too stressful for you and that you are able to have a few days of peace.

Cathpip, thinking of you, as always. I was thinking of Pippa, today. We were back to school today, were you too?

Miasmummy, I think of you often and little Mia. If you're reading this, hello to you too.

Diamond, are you there? Hello and sending you a hug.

Heavenly, wow, congratulations to you! I can understand it will be a very emotional time for you, but your new baby will bring you so much joy whilst never replacing DS2. Your saying about your photo album has inspired me to sort out one for my DD. I keep putting it off, but I would love to have something to look at and feel like I've done something for her. How are you feeling, health wise?

Lavandes, how are you? I am thinking of Richard and your family.

If there is anyone else there, I'm sorry if I have missed your name off (it is not intentional), but I say hello to you, too.

I am struggling. Really, really struggling recently. It all feels a bit much. Why did it happen? Anniversaries are approaching and I feel like I cannot escape. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel, well, uneasy.

I hope for peaceful times for us all xxx

thedaymylifestoodstill · 02/06/2014 21:10

Grumpasaur - hello and I am sorry to read about your brother. Important dates are also so hard, aren't they? I hope you were able to remember your brother today, and please don't beat yourself up about your relationship with him x

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