Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

Morning girls (just)!!

Hi everybody.
I'm moving the day after tomorrow (yes I'm counting down days) to the same village as my oldest son and his lovely gf.

Cathpip glad you're feeling a bit better today. Just enjoy that moment.

theday hello. Nice to 'see' you. Hope you're doing ok.
Hello to everybody else.

Nearly time for

Good evening xx

Weird feeling in my house and 'inside my heart' if that makes any sense at all. Everywhere feels so calm that I feel un-nerved by it - yes, I know, that sounds very weird. Kind of a feeling of resignation to everything.

Not weird at all Shabbs. I get that to and then wonder if some impending doom is looming nearby.

Morning girls xx

Well, nothing happened with regards to the 'weird feeling' - haven't slept very much though to be honest. Have had about 10 panic attacks during the night (even though I take a daily beta blocker to stop them) and finally gave up on sleep just as it was coming light.

I will forever love you
I will forever miss you
I will always feel sad that you are not here with me
I will ache for you forever
I will always get up every day and wonder what the day will bring; will it be bearable, will it be sad, will I feel happy, will I be stuck in the grief I feel for you
I will talk about you until the day I die
And you will never be forgotten
I will carry your memory forward with me
And speak for you, as any parent would do for their child
I will not hide you away
To spare people's discomfort
And at that time of year
When you left me
When there are so many memories, which are too painful to carry
I may become quiet, I may become tired
But I will get up
I will walk onwards, slowly
I will carry you
In the only way I can
In my heart
In my deeds
So that when I die
My thoughts will be of you
Of my family
Of all I loved and love
And how I held onto you dearly
How I carried you with me
In the only way I know
In my mind
In my heart
I will be proud
To have continued on this journey
However sad it may be
I continued, I continue, and you will be with me
Forever

How beautiful Theday. It has given me tears but in some way the good kind rather than those wracking tears of grief. I need to print this out as it is so perfect for me and my beautiful DD.

Theday - that is so beautiful xxx

Beautiful, just beautiful. I think this sums up every bereaved parents thoughts, it certainly does mine. Thank you. Xx

Thank you . Just trying to get the thoughts out of my head.

Had one of those days where I could feel all the thoughts going round and round and round, to the point where they hold me prisoner and I can't get anything done and sort of sink into a depressive heap. I needed to write it down, to cry, to miss my little girl. And then I had to carry on with the ironing.

Evening to all. I hope it is a peaceful one wherever you are. Lily, I hope the move wasn't too stressful.

Waving hello to you all x

Morning girls xx

Morning to you all

I hope you have some sunshine wherever you are.

Can I ask do any of you suffer from flashbacks or at times get memories and reminders so clear that they startle you? As if you are there again?

I seem to be suffering from them quite a lot at the moment.

I get flashbacks sometimes. I always think of this sort as my walking nightmare as they are flashbacks of the happenings On the day DD passed away. I wasn't at the scene where she passed away but I also have horrible visions of her last minutes. They are thoughts I'm not sure I will ever be able to put words to they are that confronting snd horrific.

Otherwise I have my memories when all of a sudden something takes me back to a moment in time when DD and I were together. Those previous moments that I don't ever want to fade.

Oh Mojito . I can't even tell you how much love I'm sending your way right now. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

I hold on to one memory more than most my dd was sat in the hospital bed with dh, I was going home with 10 day old ds and she kissed me saying "I just love you so much mummy" those were the last words she told me and that was the last time I saw my dd alive. Everything is a reminder at the moment and I hope that in the future maybe a certain song or action will bring wonderful memories flooding back.
mojito my thoughts are with you! sending lots of love. Xx

Sorry not meant to be a !, but a , ....

I quite often get flashbacks, most of them are related to the times dd4 was in hospital. It's horrible how they can catch you out . At one time they were so frequent I didn't know whether I needed to get help for it. I also went through a stage of not being able to walk near a stationary ambulance, there was one parked outside Aldi when I went shopping this morning. I nearly turned around and drove out of the car park again, I managed to deal with it though and I am at least part way to dealing with that demon.

I do have my good memories too of course.

Morning girls xx

I still get flashbacks - but not as often as I used to. BUT since I was with my Dad when he died I cannot get Matt's face out of my mind. I was under the lorry with him when he died and also with my Dad when he died. Apart from Matts horrific injuries there faces were the same - that desperate battle to stay alive. It has un-nerved me so much being with my Dad but I am also glad I was with him when he passed.

My mind and memories do a lot of 'wandering around.'

Thinking of you Shabbs. It's horrible.

Hi All

I hope you are all keeping 'ok'. You know by 'ok' I don't mean 'ok' I just mean head above water.....

I guess flashbacks come with the territory then :( Sometimes when they happen and I feel stuck, paralysed...

I've been quite busy today but sat down for a bit whilst DD is asleep. It's now that I start to think about things a bit deeper (whilst it is always on my mind). The foreverness of the loss, it gets me down, you know? I want to feel happy. But to feel happy seems wrong, so wrong.

Anyway it has been a productive day in many superficial ways here today, gardening, cleaning windows, sorting out things. I guess that is a superficial positive in my life right now! (Pushes mask up a bit)

Hello to everyone, even if you're lurking give me a sneaky-off-internet little wave right back :)

Morning all

I've been thinking of you all, of all of us today, so many of us out there walking this path.

xxx

Good morning girls xx

Got my grandson here today - his school is being used for the elections. There's no chance of sitting still - no chance at all!!!

Hello everyone

Shabbs, I hope you're not too tired after your day with your grandson :)

I hope you all have a peaceful weekend xx

Morning all. Shabbs I have had your impending sense of doom all week.

Thank god it is Friday. I'm so happy to have this week finish. I've had less resilience than normal this week so everything has felt that little bit harder. I have just realised how busy this weekend is so I thought I would make sure I had some time carved out just for me and my darling DS's. I find There's nothing better than when you are a bit down or flat just getting back to basics and spending quality time with your family. I need to remember how lucky I am to have my two beautiful boys and just enjoy them for who they are.

Question for you all - how do you motivate yourself when all you want to do is stay at home and avoid the world? I'm going out tonight with a great group of mums and I know we will have a good laugh but all I really want is to hide away. I was wondering what tricks you all have up your sleeve for these times.