Please or to access all these features

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

973 replies

shabbs · 13/04/2014 13:49

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

OP posts:
cathpip · 18/06/2015 21:38

So after breaking down completely at my local toddler group I have booked myself in for some private counselling, my head is all over the place and I just cannot seem to lift myself out of the darkness, it's amazing how lonely you feel when surrounded by people. I'm struggling both mentally and physically with this pregnancy the nearer my due date gets, frightened that history will repeat itself and as far as dh is concerned I'm being a grumpy cow who's always angry, he just cannot see how sad I am.

Neverending2012 · 19/06/2015 02:39

The loneliness is the worst thing.. The black hole that doesn't go. And just so tired all the time.

Mojito100 · 19/06/2015 13:08

I hope the counselling works cathpip. It has not been long since your darling girl passed and even though it sounds hard for those around you to understand it is still such a dark time and will be for a long time to come.

It's getting on for 7 years since my DD passed and only just now am I able to deal with small portions of the loss and that is when it is in the best interest of my kids to unpack it. I'm not sure I'm far enough along or able to truly deal with the loss of her and maybe never will be. It isn't easy as we all know on here.

Never ending is right the loneliness is so incredibly hard especially when you are surrounded by people and there is many a long dark patch. Take care Flowers.

Neverending2012 · 20/06/2015 22:57

Does anyone else feel the stress of it all.. Sometimes inside I panic that I can't do the most basic things.. And on the outside you have to pretend to be normal.

Mojito100 · 21/06/2015 01:00

I do.

Shineyshoes10 · 21/06/2015 01:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shabbs · 22/06/2015 07:10

Morning girls. xxx

OP posts:
Mojito100 · 24/06/2015 13:10

Morning.

Shineyshoes10 · 25/06/2015 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Neverending2012 · 25/06/2015 00:45

Yes and I so know what you mean.. But the knowing they were going to go was so excruciating and sometimes an hour away was needed to keep going. Don't feel guilty. It's hard enough without putting any more pressure on yourself. Don't add to the pain. My son deteriorated over a year and the pressure of never knowing when he'd pass away was so hard. Try and yourself some slack. Sending love xx

cathpip · 25/06/2015 08:14

I have become that neurotic mum that all the drs hate. A high temp and a rash now make me panic, Pippas pneumonia super imposed on top of a viral infection so now illness in the boys makes me freak out. I was also not with her when she died, my dh was. If I had known what was going to happen I would never have left her, but then the nurses were saying she was fine and responding which she was, she was bossing the nurses around, and to go home with Elliott (he was 10 days old) and get some sleep, I will regret that decision for the rest of my life, even though I have accepted how she died I will never get over the loss and not being there in her last minutes.

Shineyshoes10 · 25/06/2015 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caiderbugsmom · 25/06/2015 21:16

Hello, I hope to find some peace and comfort here..
I lost my son to drowning 8 days ago and it has been the worst event in my life. Are there any others like me? is it ok for me to be here to talk and cope?
It is all still too fresh and if it is too much where can I go?

Thank you

Shineyshoes10 · 25/06/2015 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mojito100 · 26/06/2015 15:55

Caider, we are all here for you and you have definitely found a safe place where we all understand what you are going through.

I'm sorry for your loss and that you are here. Share what you can when you can. It is all consuming and we understand.

caiderbugsmom · 26/06/2015 17:12

Thank you everyone, I certainly need a safe place that I can come to alone. Thank you.
My DS's name was Caiden, he was 4 years old going on 5 in September. he was my miracle baby who had such a hard time the day he was born, but despite it all he thrived and conquered many doubts put upon him. He could walk, run, laugh and was the goofiest and sweetest little boy when many doubted he would be able to do any of those things.He touched so many people, even strangers who met him would smile at his infectious sweetness. Caiden's only issue was speech, for a four year old he couldn't use full sentences and used prompts or one or three word cues, yet I understood him and we communicated as if no one else was in the world.

He was so smart and even though his speech was poor his eyes held such intelligence and sweetness. He would always listen, and even when you explained why he couldn't do something he would go pout but yet would still listen. The day he died we were celebrating his little sister's first birthday party, He was having so much fun, laughing and chasing his friends, and swimming only when mommy, daddy or uncle was around. We never left him out of our sights ever. But as the party ended and his friends went home the pool was all done. We were on the patio talking and I realized it was time for me to go pick up the cat from the vet before they closed, I let them know this and I headed out never knowing that would be the last time I would ever see my baby boy alive. I got the call when I had just dropped the cat off home that he had drowned, I screamed, praying it was a horrible joke, but no, I drove to the E.R and saw them unloading my baby from the ambulance still trying to save him.

i parked and rushed inside, scared and freaking out. A nurse came to get me but she held me back just before I could see him and asked me if I was sure I wanted to see this. i did, my baby needed me. I went back there and watched as they tried to bring him back, I went to him, held him, begged him and kissed him, I even sang to him to please come home. But looking in his eyes my gut told me, he wasn't coming back. I doubted there was a God, He wouldn't give me this miracle, and if only I had stayed and let the vet charge us overnight fees that maybe I would have caught him in time, that he wouldn't have snuck past his daddy and uncle to go where he knew he wasn't supposed to go alone, something he had never done before, but yet he had.
I regret so many things, being on that stupid errand, not forking over the money to give him swimming lessons ( where i live they are expensive 90 dollars a week or 500 dollars for the month depending) instead of waiting for him to become interested as he had recently become to teach him how, planning that party at all, everything.
The only thing keeping me together is my son letting me know he is ok, that he isn't scared, upset or lost in a void of nothingness, he has come to me in dreams, touches, his presence and how everyone close to him is also experiencing these things. I also have his little sister to take care of and my husband, we're both trying to be strong even though it is so hard. His uncle is taking it badly, so much he is staying with us and encroaching on my wanting to be alone, he even cleaned my sons room, a room I wanted to enjoy as he last left it. I just..I just wish so many things. Thank you for listening, and reading and letting me have a place I can go by myself.

cathpip · 26/06/2015 21:56

caider your son is only a few months older than my dd Pippa, she passed away nearly 15 months ago now. She developed sepsis after a bacterial pneumonia super imposed on top of a basic viral infection. At the time I had two other sons one of which was 10 days old, how I got through those early days I don't know, I just went into auto pilot. So much has happened in the time since losing Pippa, we have moved house and I'm expecting another little boy in 8 weeks. I have some good days but most are filled with the deep longing and wanting of what I can never have again. Please take it slowly and look after yourself, all of us on this thread understand your pain. Xx

caiderbugsmom · 27/06/2015 17:06

cathpip I'm so sorry you lost your sweet Pippa, thank you for sharing. I've been on auto pilot myself and sometimes I can't stop crying at night, then other times I will have it together and be able to function. Maybe our little ones are playing together as they watch over us. Much love to you, and I hope we all can walk this dark path the best we can for them and our children who are still with us.

Neverending2012 · 27/06/2015 21:33

Caider - you've found a safe haven. I'm so so sorry. Please be kind to yourself. My 20 month son died 8 months ago after having a life limiting condition and all the support from here has helped so much. One foot in front of the other. Sending strength.

Neverending2012 · 27/06/2015 21:34

Calder - there's nothing wrong with autopilot for a while. That and routine help in some ways I think.

Shineyshoes10 · 27/06/2015 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caiderbugsmom · 28/06/2015 18:55

Thank you everyone. Im finding some days ok but others just as crippling, i'm finding it hard to cope with knowing this will be for the rest of my life, these feelings of sadness and a great emptiness that overpowers me. Last night I got his pictures, placed them around a white candle and talked to him, crying and telling him everything I felt. For just a little while I felt a piece of my heart return and I was able to focus on others for a little bit. I'm finding it hard now to not see him in that E.R room, lately it keeps coming back to me and not just at night, which is harder for me since he would come in and snuggle. I'm finding courage to watch his videos when he was thriving to help combat the horrible end I keep revisioning and it does help, just for a little bit for now. Another discovery I made, is that I have to get used to playing with a baby, my 1 year old DD when I was used to watching them both play together and playing with Caiden. is this hard for anyone else? or am I just going through some drastic adjustments? There is also this wanting for another, however I am not in a hurry because I want to wait a year and give my little caiden the time he deserves to..well..honor his memory and grief properly I guess. but I do not want my DD Samantha to grow up alone, I know her big brother will always be with her in spirit but I want her to know the joys, the frustrations and the bond of having a sibling, just like caiden was learning with her. Is this normal? I know following things naturally is key, but why am I obsessing over this? I shouldn't and I know there is a time for everything, but why is it constantly on my mind?

caiderbugsmom · 28/06/2015 20:33

shineyshoes10 I know our circumstances are very different, but I sympathise with you, i can't trust anyone but myself to watch my DD for fear that if I step away something terrible will happen while I am away. It's going to be very tough and I know when it comes to the little ones being sick. Much love and strength to you hugs

Shineyshoes10 · 29/06/2015 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shabbs · 29/06/2015 18:47

Welcome to our 'safe haven' thread Caiderbugsmom - just so sorry that you had to come and find us.

I have lost two sons - one of my twins - he was born with very serious heart problems which, at the age of 6 months, he could no longer fight....he died in 1982. Then my third son was knocked down and killed by a reversing lorry in 1992....he suffered massive head injuries - he was almost 8 years old. So instead of having 33 year old twin boys, a 31 year old son (its his 31st birthday tomorrow) and my youngest boy who is almost 18.....I just have my twin boy and my 'baby' boy!.

I promise you that as time passes it does become 'different' - it becomes a situation that you learn to live with. BUT none of us should be having to live with this heartache.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread