Thank you everyone, I certainly need a safe place that I can come to alone. Thank you.
My DS's name was Caiden, he was 4 years old going on 5 in September. he was my miracle baby who had such a hard time the day he was born, but despite it all he thrived and conquered many doubts put upon him. He could walk, run, laugh and was the goofiest and sweetest little boy when many doubted he would be able to do any of those things.He touched so many people, even strangers who met him would smile at his infectious sweetness. Caiden's only issue was speech, for a four year old he couldn't use full sentences and used prompts or one or three word cues, yet I understood him and we communicated as if no one else was in the world.
He was so smart and even though his speech was poor his eyes held such intelligence and sweetness. He would always listen, and even when you explained why he couldn't do something he would go pout but yet would still listen. The day he died we were celebrating his little sister's first birthday party, He was having so much fun, laughing and chasing his friends, and swimming only when mommy, daddy or uncle was around. We never left him out of our sights ever. But as the party ended and his friends went home the pool was all done. We were on the patio talking and I realized it was time for me to go pick up the cat from the vet before they closed, I let them know this and I headed out never knowing that would be the last time I would ever see my baby boy alive. I got the call when I had just dropped the cat off home that he had drowned, I screamed, praying it was a horrible joke, but no, I drove to the E.R and saw them unloading my baby from the ambulance still trying to save him.
i parked and rushed inside, scared and freaking out. A nurse came to get me but she held me back just before I could see him and asked me if I was sure I wanted to see this. i did, my baby needed me. I went back there and watched as they tried to bring him back, I went to him, held him, begged him and kissed him, I even sang to him to please come home. But looking in his eyes my gut told me, he wasn't coming back. I doubted there was a God, He wouldn't give me this miracle, and if only I had stayed and let the vet charge us overnight fees that maybe I would have caught him in time, that he wouldn't have snuck past his daddy and uncle to go where he knew he wasn't supposed to go alone, something he had never done before, but yet he had.
I regret so many things, being on that stupid errand, not forking over the money to give him swimming lessons ( where i live they are expensive 90 dollars a week or 500 dollars for the month depending) instead of waiting for him to become interested as he had recently become to teach him how, planning that party at all, everything.
The only thing keeping me together is my son letting me know he is ok, that he isn't scared, upset or lost in a void of nothingness, he has come to me in dreams, touches, his presence and how everyone close to him is also experiencing these things. I also have his little sister to take care of and my husband, we're both trying to be strong even though it is so hard. His uncle is taking it badly, so much he is staying with us and encroaching on my wanting to be alone, he even cleaned my sons room, a room I wanted to enjoy as he last left it. I just..I just wish so many things. Thank you for listening, and reading and letting me have a place I can go by myself.