Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

Morning all. Hope everyone is managing ok at the moment.

Morning girls xx

Hello all.

shabba you are always so busy, and with the added stress and hidden grief of the past few weeks, I do worry about you. Have you been able to visit your friend yet?

heavenlyE I also look back on the old me, and really, I feel as if I was living in cloud-cuckoo land, where nothing bad ever happened, or if it did, I obviously waltzed on by, oblivious. However, after Mia died, I have never had the strength (or diplomacy) to maintain a mask. I simply couldn't hide my pain. And at the same time, I was (and am still) so proud of my beautiful Mia. That's not to say that my 'education' of people around me was always gentle… If you want to really tell people how you aren't 'better', then perhaps you could think of a couple of standard phrases which describe how you are feeling, which may then help the others around you understand more, and possibly start a more useful conversation.

It's two and a half years ago today that our world changed when Mia died. Not a big deal in itself, because it is simply another day she is not here. It's more that it has made me realise that I have stopped counting now, and also, how far along this crappy path I have come, with the love and support of you all. I can honestly say I am happy, or at least happy-ish. Something I could never have envisioned. Yes, a huge part of that is my joy in Mia's rainbow brother, Finn, but I am pretty amazed to find myself here, still. And I'm not saying this merely to give the newly-bereaved hope, merely stating a fact.

Morning girls xx

Yes I visited my friend last night.....thats why I have a bad hangover this morning LOL....and Lew arrived at 7am......I may be sick at some point and have got a banging headache!!!

Hello everybody. I haven't got anything useful to say. But just hello to you all and hope you're feeling peaceful. XX

Morning girls xx

Everybody OK? xx

Ok here. What about you?

Morning everybody. How're you doing?

Morning xx

Think Im OK xx

Good morning.

I am also 'ok' if ok means getting out of bed in the morning and existing. Things still feel grey.

Mias thanks for your post, I think that is a good idea to come up with a standard phrase to explain how I feel. Otherwise it is so difficult to grapple with the question 'how are you'.

Morning everybody. I try to use the phrase "I'm ok thanks, I'm sort of functioning". Or "I'm up and dressed and breathing". I sometimes feel that if I use those phrases though it might come across as if I'm looking for fuss and sympathy, but I'm not. It's just stating a fact. So, sometimes I go with "I'm fine thanks, how are you?" and turn the question back on the other person just so I don't have to talk.

I spent the weekend with some very good friends as their son (my dear Godson) was being confirmed. It was good to see them and I felt relaxed but in church i felt terribly emotional and just stood with my eyes closed and I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks. I don't think anybody realised and it dried up after a while. On my way back I stopped to see my best friend and she looked me in the eye and asked how I was.... cue big meltdown. I'm moving house in a couple of weeks and this is going to be the first house where we won't have been a family of 5. (We have to move out of the current house for various reasons). It just feels like a massive step to have a house where Paddy hasn't been living with us.

Morning girls.

Get what you mean about the moving house thing Lily. We have moved 3 times since Matts accident - must admit have been more settled in our current house than anywhere else.

Missing my Dad more than ever today

Aw Shabbs. Sending you a big hug. How's your Mum doing?

She is doing well - thanks xx They have got her eating well - like she used to do. Think I am missing my Dad because he has helped me a lot this last year. I have gone to them, on average, at least twice a day and he has helped me with busfare and then he would say 'how are you for money love?' - kind of back to reality with a bump and now worrying about finances and bill paying etc etc. I know in the great scheme of things money is NOT everything - just feel like Im drowning and need somebody to throw a life belt This too will pass.....this too will pass

Oh my word - that last message sounds very heartless - let me re-phrase.......I am missing my Dad because he was my first love, my hero and my shoulder to cry on - the panic and longing to see him again keeps gripping me around the throat and squeezing it hard.

The money side? Well thats just a bit of added pressure.

Sometimes I need to think before I speak or type!!!

Shabbs, sometimes it is the little but important things we miss too. From all your posts previously your dad certainly was your hero and that will always be so significant for you. You more than any of us know what loss is so I don't want to tell you to suck eggs but there really are those times when the simple acts if those we love trigger our emotions and make us remember them just as much as the overwhelming importance of them having been in our lives.

To all you others it's been nice to catch up on your posts. The boys and I had a few days away with friends over Easter. It is always wonderful to spend time with them and friends but as you will understand that constant nagging thought of the person who should be there but isn't does always intrude. That aching longing to have them running and playing with the other kids really does hurt. The mask was on and it is only now with you all that I can take the time to let the feelings out.

I miss my DD and just want her back. Another memory I now create in her absence filling my thoughts with dreams of what it would have been like if she was with us.

Morning girls xx

Hello everyone

I hope you are all coping at the mo.

Heavenly - hello and I do understand how you are feeling. How are you? I frequently struggle with people thinking I am ok because I smile, talk, interact like a normal person when inside I'm just not.

Miasmummy, thank you for your post. I think of little mia often and the way you are so honest about how you feel and about how you feel now is encouraging to read.

Lily - I can understand why you are upset about moving away, I guess it's hard to grasp the whole thought of paddy being with you wherever you are, because in your home now is where all the memories were . I hope the move is as gentle as possible. A lot of stress for you :(

Shabbs - how are you? Your posts didn't sound bad at all. Dads always help their kids out, (or are supposed to) and even as an adult I'm always running to mine for advice and help so it's only natural to miss him. How are you today ?

Mojito - thinking of you. I'm glad you had a good time away with friends but I'm so sorry your daughter isn't there with you. The yearning never goes, does it?

Hello to everyone else and I'm sorry if I haven't mentioned you personally. If you're lurking please know I think of all the mums here. Cathpip, if you're reading, your family has been in my thoughts along with gorgeous little Pip.

I've really struggling again. No other way to put it. I feel like the weakest link, like everyone else around me is trying to deal with what's happened so i should be able to get on with it too. But I can't and at the moment it feels like it is all unravelling fast. But I put the mask on and I feel like it's pushing the real agony further and further away. I feel like a failure as a parent, for being irritable with my other dc's, for lacking the energy to be the best I can be. I miss my baby deeply and at the moment the pain is overwhelming.

I know you all know how it feels. Tonight I'm going to have a shower and go to bed early and hope for a peaceful day tomorrow. Although to be honest at the moment I feel like I am trudging through my days with no respite from anything.

I hope wherever you all are, you are all 'ok' (I hate that word). Alright, not 'ok' but having a few moments of peace xxx

I have been lurking, afraid to post. Yesterday was my first day with no dh and it was alright but today has not been good. So many people to face, people I don't really know offering their sympathies, I seem to have perfected an expressionless face and mumble thank you before changing the subject to my 4 week old ds so I don't dissolve into tears. Tomorrow is another day, and I get to pick up all pips things from nursery......am dreading it.

cathpip - never be afraid to post my love.....we have all walked in your shoes and if our experiences can help you in any way it is worth sharing them. 32 and 22 years have passed since my boys died...I wouldnt go back to the 'early years of grieving' even if I was offered a million pounds. It is a time of swimming in treacle and not knowing what to do about the most simple of problems.

Everything, and I mean everything you are feeling right now is totally and utterly normal. Even though I know you will feel like this YOU ARE NOT GOING MAD.

Keep posting love - no matter how silly or weird it sounds - you will be amazed how we have all felt like that at some time or another. xxxx

Hi everybody.
Thanks for the message theday. Why do you think you should have to "deal with it". The worst possible thing has happened and of course your head/heart/brain/soul are going to struggle. We are at the epicentre of a perfect storm (or should that be an imperfect storm?) It's exactly what you said, putting a mask on. My mask is sometimes impenetrable and sometimes very wobbly. The thing I find most frightening is that the mask is so unpredictable.

cathpip please don't try and deal with collecting your darling little Pip's things on your own. Have you got a friend who could go with you? One thing is for sure, the nursery staff will be very upset too, but they can deal with that themselves. Just keep breathing and be gentle to yourself. Do you really have to go now? Could it wait or could somebody from nursery bring Pip's stuff to your home? God forbid, if it was a child in my class, I wouldn't hesitate to offer.
shabbs just sending you a big hug. You weren't heartless for a single second.

Hugs to you all.

Dd passed away 6 years ago today she was almost 2 yrs.. Born suffering from many health issues & her condition was life limiting. She exceeded all expectations that healthcare professionals put upon her. She was beautiful & amazing. She had 4 months of good general health so her death came as a shock.

It doesn't feel any less painful now than it did back then, miss her so much. Life seems pointless without her.

Hi all

Cathpip I have been thinking of you today. Did you pick up Pip's things? It is truly so much about taking each second at a time, especially in the 'early days'. It sucks, I know. It truly does. But please, we are here for you if you need us. Are you getting support with your DC's - especially with the youngest (i.e health visitor etc?). I only say that as mine has been very helpful in the last few months and really understanding.

Lily I don't know really, I guess because I don't want to worry anyone else and everybody else is really trying their hardest. I feel a failure, crying at the drop of the hat, feeling low etc. How are you?

I feel like no one understands me, even those closest to me, family really. I have no tolerance for those former friends who haven't been there for me since my baby died and I don't want to be near them (I guess you can say I have a strong aversion to them) and when I try and explain to my mum she says that I can't blame them and I need not to be angry with them. But I explained to her that my idea of friends includes being there through the lowest times as well as the happy ones, and i would be there for my friends too. I think she understood why I was so upset, but even so, I feel like an outsider now.

I'm sorry. Just very low at the moment. I think I must be experiencing a surge of hormones post partum, I did after my last DC's at the same point in time and felt low then too. I know there's nothing to do but keep plodding on. So I am. But I would like to hide away.

Hello to everyone else. xx

Rainbowfeet I've only just seen your post after posting my last one. Hello and I'm sorry to read of your daughter. We'd love to hear more about her if you would like to talk about her.

Did you have any special plans for today, do you do anything to remember her by? Have you got people around you today who understand?

We're all here for you whenever you need us xxxx

I collected Pippas things from nursery, I held the tears till I got home. Looking at her achievements book with all the pictures was bitter sweet, she loved nursery so much. The children are decorating and filling a box with things they liked to do with Pippa.
My health visitor has been round regularly, it helps that she is a neighbour and friend, and another good friend is a gp so we have been able to talk in great detail so that I could understand why she died so quickly, also the support we have received from the entire village has been amazing.
One of the nicest things said to me today by a mum at the school gates was simply "it's lovely to see you back" whilst she stroked baby Elliott's hair. I had forgotten that the last school run I did was the 28th march as Elliott was born on the 31st and then it was the holidays. I am struggling so hard with the fact that we had completed our family and 10 short days later our world fell apart.
Sorry for rambling. Xx