Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

To all - I have been thinking of you.

Theday - I hope you are still getting on. It's so hard to find the words as there really aren't any in our situation which equate to I hope you are ok. Haven't seen you for awhile so hope you are lurking and getting whatever comfort you can from those posting.

Cathpip - I wish there was something I could do to help you through. I think of you often and go straight back to all those feelings I had when my DD passed. It's just horrendous and I know you have a beautiful friend in mouse but also wanted you to know you are in my mind.

To the rest of you/us - hugs all round with a bloody big bottle of your favourite tipple. I need a drink!

Shabbs, forgot to say I hope things are settling with your mum and you don't still have all that turmoil. Also, thank you so much for keeping this thread going. Just seeing your "morning girls" message makes life not quite so hard.

Morning everyone.

Love and hugs to everyone.

Heavenly many congratulations on your pregnancy. As pp said a new baby is a blessing. S/he will never replace your DS but will bring you happiness into the mix of emotions.

I can't seem to take any photos anymore. It seems wrong somehow. Last night I tried to find a recent photo of my boys together but couldn't find one. I so didn't want to take loads of 'last' photos, trying to protect both boys, but now I'm sad.

Cathpip can you ask a family member to take some photos of Elliot? It might take the pressure off you and you will know there are photos of him so little that you will be able to look at in the future.

Shabs hope your Mum is ok and you are too.

Sorry, I'm on my phone and can't scroll back. Lots and lots of love to everyone struggling. I am too and finding it difficult to get through the days.

Morning girls xx

Not sure what is happening with Mum.....I am going to see her this morning - although she wont know whats going on either!!!! Am so beyond tired that its not even funny....just looked in the mirror and it was not a pretty sight! Since I lost Dad I have gained one million wrinkles. It has been such a difficult year watching both parents struggling with their own health issues. Mums social worker is involved in getting her into a new place - he is a sandwich short of a picnic to be honest. Manipulative idiot. I cant even talk to him after all the lies that have been told by him and his department. Never mind I suppose a bit of rage and anger is a good thing right now.

DS4 is fast asleep on the settee!! He watched WWE via the computer last night and must have fell asleep about 3am - luckily there is no college today. Unluckily I dont know how to get just the tv back on and there are wires all over the floor near the telly - being thick with electrical stuff I better leave it all alone.

Hope everybody has a decent day xxx

Welcome Triumph - although, as I always say, so sorry you have 'found us.'

Very sad to hear about your daughter - how old was she love?

Two of my four sons have died....one 32 years ago (a twin boy) who died from congenital heart defects at the age of almost 7 months and 10 years later my DS3 (who was almost 8 years old) was knocked down and killed by a reversing lorry.

If you feel you would like to talk about your daughter we are all here to listen xx

Triumoh - I echo what Shabbs has said. Read the thread when you can and write if you want to. Lurking is completely acceptable as sometimes it's just too hard to put things into words. Take care.

Hello everyone

Thanks for your kind words. It is a blessing but thanks also for acknowledging how mixed and confusing the feeling are - not something that many people understand IRL.

Triumph hello and welcome. I am sorry to hear about your loss of your DD, it sounds very sudden and unexpected. I often lurk here (hope the other ladies don't mind!) and find it a comfort.

Shabbs hope you have a good visit with your mum.

Theday (((hugs to you))) Was wondering how you are doing. Sorry to hear you are struggling. How are people with you IRL, hope you are feeling supported there. Have you any plans for your DD's anniversary?

Hello to minmooch and Cathpip - holidays are hard, things that used to be simply joyful and happy are now tinged (or more) with sadness. That is a good idea of Minmooch about the photos of Elliott.

I have been feeling low the last few days - think it is because we passed the 6 month mark - how can it be 6 months????? DH and I cancelled all plans yesterday and went to spend time at the cemetery, felt like I needed to reconnect with DS2 if that makes sense. I am also feeling very anxious about DS1 and also this pregnancy - aaargh!

First day back at school and the quietness still frightens me, hence the house is sparkling, keeping busy helps. Our break was lovely and much needed, it did not rain and Scotland is stunning! (The pandas were also worth a visit).
Triumph, welcome even though none of us want to be here, the kindness and strength that have been shown towards me have undoubtedly helped me through some very tough days, I hope this thread can help you too.

Hello again,
Mojito, thank you for your kind words and advice. I have been lurking and also had a couple of days where I didn't check online....but the past couple of days have led me back here. I hope you have been able to enjoy peaceful times with your boys at the moment (and remember your DD).

Min, I'm sorry to read you are struggling too. It is arduous isn't it? I look at the world now and wonder how on earth people get through the days happily anymore. I hope for some gentle times for you.

Shabbs, I am just unbelievably sorry about all the upset with your mum and what you are going through at the moment. Are you meeting up with your bestie any time soon for a drink and a boogie? I hope your meeting with the SW was 'ok'. (And that DS4 didn't spend the whole day asleep :) ) I was thinking of you today when I was reading about The Compassionate Friends.

Triumph, hello and sorry to see you here, but please feel free to post about your DD anytime. We are all here for you. Lurking is fine too, many of us here lurk from time to time and re-emerge from the murky shadows when we need help or just to say hi, if we feel like it. No pressure at all.

Hi Heavenly, I felt tremendously low around the six month mark, all those dates, six months, nine months and now coming up to a year are so painful. It's horrible and helpless and you have to just live through it, I guess. I would imagine you are worried as well with your current pregnancy which is perfectly understandable and normal. Are you being monitored more frequently by your hospital? Are you going back to the same hospital?

Cathpip, I was thinking of you and back to school. I am pleased you were able to find some gentle times with your family but I can understand the fear of the quietness. You are still so very early on in your grief and with young DC to look after too, please take good care of yourself. How is your OH coping.

Well I've had a terrible day, to be honest, you know those days that are like back at the beginning? DH had to do the school run, I've sat and done nothing most of today and cried, just cried, like it only happened yesterday. I think it's the pressure of everyday life & working, coupled with raising young children, plus grieving, plus little niggles with things other people say, what people expect of you etc it has taken it's toll on me. We have had a quite a social time recently and if I'm honest I always find it a bit much to put that fake face on. A huge grief wave to ride out.

Anyway, I am off to get dinner on and into the normal dinner/bedtime madness. Hugs to you all x

Morning everybody.
Welcome triumph. I'm glad you've found this thread as you'll always find somebody here to listen to you and understand. I often lurk as I feel I don't have anything to say. But I read and listen.
shabbs - I hope you're ok today and your visit to your mum went ok.
theday - the inspection went just fine but I felt very emotional as when I first rented that house my DS did the inspection because I was ill and asleep on the floor! It was the same inventory inspector and he mentioned it and I had to tell him that DS wasn't there because he'd died. He was lovely but I still felt rubbish.
cathpip - keep busy. Less time for thinking and absolutely no photos is the way ahead (for me anyway). I get very wobbly if I see pictures. Sometimes it feels still unreal.
heavenly - I hope you're feeling peaceful. These "anniversaries" and special days are really tough. I'm going to the churchyard today and it's raining and I know I'll cry.

mojito - I hope you are feeling a bit kinder about yourself.

Everybody else who I haven't mentioned - sending you peace and love and light.
Love to you all

Hello everyone, sorry to have been away for such a long time. I'm not really sure why - tired and family staying, which was very busy. And a sad welcome to the ladies who have recently joined this special thread. Big hugs to all of you though - especially those struggling particularly at the moment with the pain and grief, idiotic people, and the challenge of simply getting up in the morning.

Mia's death feels very close, yet totally unreal at the moment. I know it happened, and she lived, but seeing Finn's vitality make it hard to think of my beautiful girl lying so still, not breathing… her cousin turns 4 today, the cousin to whom she was closest in age, and who now has Mia as one of her names. We have bought her a little fairy door from a lovely local lady, apple green with pink roses around the door, a knocker and little gold key. Totally frivolous, but perfect for a little girl. It makes me wonder whether Mia would have liked one too. Looking at her cousin, and how much she has grown and changed, of course makes me wonder what personality she would have, and how much we would be enjoying watching her develop. Just sad, I guess.

Hi everyone just checking in after not been around much, I want to say hope everyone is well, but what is that........

I'm really struggling just now it should be(would be?) Dexter's 2nd birthday on the 21st and it will be Gregor's 1st birthday on the 27th. I'm feeling so many emotions over both and feeling I'm getting pulled in two conflicting directions.
I'm also getting myself stressed trying to organise the perfect birthday party as we never got to do it for Dexter.

Can't sleep so much going on in my head. It feels like it's going to burst

5boys I don't think we have 'spoken' before so hello. I can imagine the difficult emotions the your boys' birthdays are bringing up for you. Will you plan something for Dexter's birthday? What are you thinking of doing for Gregor's birthday?

My DS2 died just 11 days before his 1st birthday so 1st birthdays are loaded for me too - I have basically ignored any friends' babies 1st birthdays, it is too painful. I realise this is not an option when it is your own son's birthday though.

theday I hope the wave of grief has eased somewhat. It is hard to socialise etc, it does really take it out of you and lower your resources.

I am not being monitored in pregnancy more than usual as DS2's death was not related to his pregnancy or birth - I was lucky that both my pregnancies were straightforward. But you are right that I am worrying - just being aware that the worst CAN happen.

Hello to mias shabbs cath mojito triumph and lily also.

Heavenly, it's just such a conflicted time for you. So much to be happy about and sad with all the memories it brings back of your loved one.

5boys , I get what you mean when you say (should have/would have) for their birthday. I never know how to recognise these times as in my head I think in terms of my DD still being here yet I say different words because I think this is what others want to hear.

I am a very practical person but there are times when I just can't bear to acknowledge the facts.

Morning girls xx

Hello ladies,
I lost my 17 year old son, Sam, on the 13.5.14 (nearly 4 weeks ago now). He was knocked down and killed by a car. I've read your thread from beginning to end and have found comfort from your experiences and words. I now have that massive hole in my world, one of the most precious things in my life... gone.
When your thread first started Sam was still alive and I had no idea of the pain and suffering you all experience... feelings I never thought were possible- but I know now.
I'm so glad I've found somewhere where others understand xxx

Samharrysmum - we are always here for you. You are at the start of a challenging journey which we all understand and wish you didn't have to go through. Take care, write when you can it need to offload.

Morning girls xx

Welcome Samharrysmum - as I always say.....wish you hadn't had to join us but you will get support and understanding here. In my opinion, this is a very special 'corner' of Mumsnet. xx

Hi Samharrysmom. I'm so sorry about Sam. We all understand your pain. We're always here for you. I've found it very comforting in the last ten months since I lost my darling Paddy (aged 21 years 5 months and three days) to know that what I'm feeling and experiencing is normal and I'm not going mad. I'm grieving.

Hi everybody else.

I've had a funny weekend. We celebrated my youngest son's 21st this weekend with a big lunch party. It was a really nice day and I was very busy and didn't have time to sit or think. I missed my middle boy terribly and my DS1 made a short and lovely speech thanking everybody for coming and toasting my youngest son's health. My father had wanted to make a speech and I had told him that I'd already asked my oldest son to do it. I knew that my Daddy would have mentioned Paddy and "God rest his soul" and it would have killed the lovely upbeat mood that we had. Yesterday was about DS3 and not DS2..... hard though that was. I was so worried that he'd jump to his feet......

How was your weekend? xxx

Lily, you must be very proud of your boys, how lovely that DS1 made a speech.
Thank you all for welcoming me. It's my birthday today, I don't really feel like getting out of bed but my family are inviting me round later for tea so will have to make some sort if effort. Just feel I want to shut myself away at the moment and try to make myself 'better'.
How did/do your partners cope? Mine's totally broken and I feel that we're struggling to keep each other going. My other son, Harry who is 13, seems to 'cope' the best but maybe he's holding it all in? We're starting counciling on June 19th but I fear it's not going to be the miraculous answer that were pinning our hopes on x

Hello samharrysmom sorry you had to join us here and sorry to hear about Sam. It is very early days for you and I imagine you must be in complete shock. I feel like I am still in shock 6 months later about my little son's death.

I hope you find counselling helpful - you are right it won't be a miraculous answer as unfortunately nothing can be. I have been going to counselling for the last few months and I do find it a useful space to talk about the things I don't mention anywhere else (apart from here). I think how you get on with your counsellor is very important.

It is hard to see your other loved ones suffering as you are. Are you and your partner able to talk to each other about how you are feeling? My DH hasn't really taken to the counselling but he has found physical activity - gardening type things in particular - have helped him to get through some days. Also his work have been quite sympathetic as he has sometimes had days when he just can't make it in.

Have you had a chance to look at / contact the charity winstons wish - they offer advice and support for bereaved children. I haven't spoken with them personally but have seen them recommended on here a lot. I found it very hard to think about my son's grief when mine is so all encompassing.

Lily it sounds like you had the celebration you hoped for, for DS3. How are you feeling today? I always feel so drained after any event.

DS2 would be 18 months tomorrow - such a lovely age. I have been watching videos of DS1 at that age to try to figure out what DS2 would be like now.

Well it looks like all of us are carrying different emotional loads based on anniversary dates and family affairs.

Lily- I'm so pleased DS3's birthday was all about him. You can take done time to properly acknowledge DS2's absence when you are ready. It's do hard not having them there for both big and little events.

Heavenly - I found I taped my DS2's giggle as when he was younger it sounded just like my darling DD and was a tangible thing I could play back. I get your looking at videos.

Sanharrymum - always go with your instincts. There will be times hiding yourself away is the right thing to do and other times draghing yourself out also right. You will know better than anyone what you need and this will become clearer as time passes. Honour yourself and do what is right for you and not others as it will be best for you.

Shabbs - hope things are calming a little for you and what you have on.

I think my emotional roller coaster is on a flat run at the moment having plunged quite low the other week. I feel like my balance is as right as it can be which is a good thing.

Hi girls.

You're right about it being exhausting making DS3's birthday ALL about him (and not about DS2). He had a lovely weekend. I felt completely drained yesterday and didn't achieve much at all. Today is the ten month anniversary and I feel very flat and low.

That roller-coaster we're all on is just ticking away along the bottom today (or at the moment today). It might go up a bit later...... does anybody else find the complete unpredictability of this hideous ride frightening? It's as if my previously organised and stable mind and body have been taken over by an alien. Who knows what I'll be feeling later. The ADs have taken the edge of things so God alone know what I'd be like if I wasn't taking them!

Hope you are all feeling peaceful.

I need order in my life so the roller coaster ride is challenging to deal with. I struggle with the continual cycle. Just when you feel you are coping you start a downward slide. I hate that every month I go through the same feelings and emotions and just can't stop it. I feel like it will never change as it hasn't in the last five years and it is such hard work going round and round.