Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

cathpip You're not rambling. We're all here and listening and I bet i'm not the only one crying with you. Sorting things out is incredibly painful. I find looking at photos excruciatingly difficult sometimes. I'm glad you've got supporting and friends around you. I sometimes think that I'd go completely mad if it wasn't for my wonderful friends.

Our families just have holes in them now. The hole that is left in our family by Paddy's death is an endless black void that has cold wind whistling through it. Sometimes I feel as if I'm going to fall into that hole and be swallowed up.

I hope you have a peaceful night. XX

Lily, I thought what you last wrote was beautiful and so exactly describes the feeling of the "hole".

Afternoon girls xx Everybody OK (whatever the hell OK is!!!)

Lily, your words are exactly right. It is an abyss. Alone and echoing. But as minuscule as our help is, we are here on this thread for each other, blindly holding hands as we move forward together.

For us 'April is the cruelest month' it is now 4 years since our beloved Richard died. 4 years seems a long time but for us it can seem like yesterday, but we have survived for 4 years when we thought we could not survive one more day. I just wanted to say that this 'journey' does get easier as the years pass, although you never forget. xx

Oh Lavandes - it seems like yesterday that your joined our thread...four years - so very sad. I do agree with the part of your post when you say you thought you wouldn't survive one day. xxxx

10th May it will be 22 years since we lost Matt.....22 bloody long years. Then on the 30th June he will be 30 years old. He would have loved that - being 30 on the 30th!!

Such a waste of a life that I know he would have made the most of....he used to always 'gwab evwy day by the balls and shake it!!!' I have to write that sentance like he used to say it. My Mum today said it - but in his voice LOL.....then she said to me 'its a wubbish day today, weather wise isin't it?' Then the poor owd girl said 'Who used to not be able to say their words properly?' When I told her Matt she said 'Oh yes thats right - hows he doing with his new job?' So I told her a massive amount of rubbish about how well he was doing because I couldn't bear to tell her he had died.....

Oh Shabba. That conversation with your mum must have nearly broken you.

Lavandes - four years sounds so long without Richard. How is the rest of your family?

Mias - you hit the nail on the head - I do feel 'broken' - so unsure what to do without my Dad and, to be honest, the Alzheimers took my Mum as well - about 2 years ago my Mum - the Mum I always had - well, she disappeared. I look at her now - this frail little old lady has appeared - and the curvy, buxom, vital, funny, dizzy, loving Mum vanished into the night.

I feel kind of robbed - if that makes any sense. I have the most mentally insane conversations with my Mum where I tell her what all four of my boys are up to - and about their girlfriends but cant tell her over and over again that they are dead.

Weird life isin't it? xxx

Hi everybody. I'm back. I've been to stay with friends for a few days and actually had a really good time with them.

shabbs I'm so sorry you had that conversation with your Mum. How on earth did you cope? Actually, we do all just cope every day. We just get on with things. It's so unfair that you have to see her disappearing with the Alzheimers and you don't see her as she was.

What are you all doing today? Hurrah for a sunny bank holiday. I know it doesn't change any facts, but it certainly lifts my spirits when it's sunny like today. Have a good day.

Hello everyone,

Hope you've all had a peaceful bank holiday weekend (was it BH where you are Mojito?).

I'm here, I'm lurking, I'm breathing, I'm walking, I am functioning today.. So it is an 'ok' day.

Waves hello to you all across the inter web

xx

Theday, I have been thinking of you lately and wondering how you were going. Pat yourself on the back. I'm sure you're doing more than just walking and breathing, although some days that is really all you can ask of yourself when the feelings swamp you.

It's not a bank holiday for us here and winter is just setting in. I love winter and I'm fortunate that our winters here are incredibly mild compared to the uk. Some of our winter days are the same as a summer day for you. So we get rain for the first time in many months tomorrow which as silly as it sounds will make me happy.

Before DD passed windy days made me homesick and summer was always so much fun with the kids. Now summer days make me miss her more as they are filled with nostalgia. It's the changes in me like this that I notice so much.

Take care all of you. The loss of loved ones seems so prevalent at the moment. A dear friend just lost her battle with cancer late last week. The loss of another beautiful soul.

Hi mojito

Thank you for your kind words. You know what it's like, I'm 'ok' I suppose at the moment but last week was particularly hard and felt like I was back at the beginning again. Friends having babies, people happy and excited at pregnancies - stuff like that makes me realise that I will never feel like that again, even if I was ever to have any more. So my dh and I decided to have a more laid back weekend which was good and now back to work today with my mask firmly in place. Sometimes it just gets so draining. But I'm still standing. Just.

Your winters sound lovely and I hope for you that there is some rain for you tomorrow, that you can enjoy in peace and solitude, perhaps with a cup of tea or coffee and a biscuit whilst watching it :)

I think about you an awful lot too, I think of your DD and your other Dc's and think you are truly an amazing woman, even though it must be so tough and I hate the saying that bereaved parents are strong, but you have a strength that has been keeping you going - hope you don't mind me saying that? Xxx

Hello to everyone else xx

Hello everybody. How're you doing?

theday just keep breathing and doing just as much as you can. It's all we can do. I lurk a lot and don't always post, but I do always think of you all.

mojito I can send you some rain right now if you like!

I think we don't know our own strength until we are properly tested, and we've been tested in the worst way imaginable. I look at pictures of Paddy and think "how can this be?"

Morning girls xx

A large amount of 'crashing and burning' going on in my house today. Feel overwhelmed with not having my Dad here and Matts 22nd 'remember day' coming up on Saturday. Am wandering around the house muttering and swearing to myself. Really have had enough today. Have run out of coffee and that made me cry time to kick myself up the bum and get on with the day.

Morning Ladies xx

Oh Shabbs I am so sorry life is treating you so bad at the moment and that you have so much to deal with.

All these significant dates are so hard. I look at Richard's photos and ask him how can you be gone, how can something so horrific have happened to us. We are not horrible people we don't ask for much we are just normal, probably a bit boring, it is so unfair. Sometimes I think I will take all the photos down how awful is that. xx

I wish I could send you some coffee and a big hug shabbs. These significant days are so hard to deal with and the lead up to them is just as tough as the actual day itself.

Morning girls xx

Morning Shabbs. I hope you managed to find some semblance of calm.

Morning girls xx

As always, the day was 'easier' than the build up. Went up to my best friends for the night. I found a tape at my parents house a few weeks ago. It said on it 'Happy Fathers Day to my Dad!!' I must have been broke then as well LOL. My friend found an old tape recorder and we listened to it. Don Williams, Kenny Rodgers, The Carpenters, Rod Stewart etc etc - all songs my Dad loved.

Some lovely songs that brought back some very happy memories. xx

Shabbs hugs for you. I'm glad the day was easier than the build up.

I lost twin girls in late pregnancy due to Twin to twin transfusion. The lead up to their angelversary is painful as I go through all the 'what could I have done differently' scenarios. Now I will have the same with my Will. I've been going through photos of him younger, looking for signs of a brain tumour. The Drs have said it was so aggressive it can't have been there long before diagnosis yet still I look to see if there were signs. Perhaps if I had taken him earlier ..... I know rationally there was nothing more that I could do but it's just so bloody awful. It doesn't seem real, any of it. How can my son have had a brain tumour, had cancer, died? Why him? Why my son?

Questions we all plague ourselves with. There will never be any answers. And that's what is so exhausting, always the questions, never any answers. I'm too tired. Always tired.

Hi everybody.

Ohminmooch please don't blame yourself. I know what you mean about all the "what ifs". I do sometimes wonder if I'll ever know peace of mind again. You're right about being tired. I went to my brother's house on Saturday and slept all afternoon. Most unlike me. Afternoon sleeps are for old ladies!

shabbs I'm glad the day was ok for you and that you had some happy memories.

Hello to the lurkers..... that's often me too, and I keep quiet because I don't have anything to say. I'm just saying hello to you too!

Hello to everyone

Shabbs I am glad that the day was peaceful for you. How is your mum doing?

Hello min, sending you so much love right now, truly I am. All the what-ifs, so hard and punishing, aren't they? Grief truly is exhausting. I'm hoping you get a small break in the fog to just be.

Hello lily! Afternoon naps are the best :)

Well I'm here, I've been ok, dealing with life as normal, smiling one moment, teary the next. But that's the way it is I guess. Had my other DC's asking why the baby had to die this weekend. Although it was tremendously sad, I loved their total openness and honesty and the way they handle it. At least she is talked about all the time here. I just miss her though and want to cuddle her. To feed her. To be her mother.

Do you all find yourselves much more aware of how fragile we actually are? I've now started to worry about what other things could happen to my DC.

Sometimes I wonder how I stand up. How any of us stand up. Let alone function.

Hello to everyone else xxxx

This evening I just want to howl and drink wine. Moving to a house where we've never lived as a family with Paddy is really preying on my mind. It's tough.
is is.

Morning ladies. An afternoon nap is certainly called for today, I had a massive wobble last night which resulted in very little sleep. Am feeling slightly better today, the HV is coming this morning for Elliott's 6 week check, I always feel happier after chatting with her.
the day I know what you mean about fragile and worrying about my other dc! I was never a mum that raced them to the drs at any whiff of illness! think that's going to change.....

Good morning all

Lily, I can imagine how tough that must be. When do you move? to you xx

Cathpip, I hope you get chance to rest up a bit and also to chat to your health visitor. I found it helped when the midwife and then health visitor called, someone who could understand and be there.

Oh yes, anxiety is way up there at the moment. I suppose that is 'perfectly normal' for our situations :(

Morning to everyone else, waving and sending hugs through the ether to you all xx