Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

Morning girls xx

Had my 6yr old grandson overnight on a sleepover. His Mum & Dad went to see Foo Fighters in Manchester. I didn't realise that it was an outdoor event (think at Lancashire Cricket Club - think that's the right name!!)

Son and his lovely wife took a picture and put it on Fbook. When I saw the crowds behind them I went into silent panic mode!! Imagined all kinds of things going wrong...my son is 33 and my DIL almost 33.....but it doesn't stop the worrying.

Hope everyone is OK - whatever the hell OK is. xxxx

Morning girls - everybody ok? xxx

I was at that gig Shabbs :) - not far from the exits ;) I catastrophise all the time, especially at this time of year. It'll never go away, will it? I had some counselling a while ago, but the conclusion seemed to be that I wasn't being irrational, as the worst (& least likely) really had happened, so I basically have to learn how to live with the anxiety. Most of the time I manage, until DH or DS2 is late or I've not heard from DS1 in a while, or there's a photo on Facebook that triggers (for no good reason usually!)

Needless to say they were fine, apart from DIL losing her voice lol. Crazy to worry and fret like that but I cant help it. My youngest lad - almost 18 leaves college in a couple of weeks. He doesn't want to go to Uni.....he wants an apprenticeship/job. He is worrying me sick because he is quite shy and wont push himself to get what he wants. Now I am worrying, panicking and fretting about him!!!! It never stops does it?

No it doesn't :( It's one of those with other parents though where some people think they understand... and you have to grin while thinking "you have no idea" because it would be unkind to point out that this is a real, specific worry because of experience. It's great that your youngest is ready to leave college but it's hard when we can't protect them. DS1 is doing a year on a placement down south from August and that's a whole new lot of things for me to worry about! I'm thrilled that he's doing something he loves and has the confidence to branch out on his own, but worry that we've not given him all the 'tools' he needs. I'm sure your son will find something he loves - uni is not for everyone. What kind of apprenticeship is he after?

He is just finishing a Btec extended diploma - IT practitioner. He, initially, wanted to become a Game programmer (something like that - somebody who designs games for Xbox etc) after one week of learning to programme he had totally changed his mind. Says it is the most boring, unfulfilling thing he has ever had to learn LOL.

He is so unsure of what his future holds. Has applied for 3 IT apprenticeships - the closing date was weeks ago and no bugger has replied to him at all. Jobs are very thin on the ground here so I don't know what he will end up doing.

Keep trying to get him to do a one year course at the college next to his 6th form college. Told him to have a look at their prospectus and pick something he is really interested in that will give him an extra qualification at the end of the year. He is dithering about that as well. I want to go with him to college, hold his hand tight and speak for him I can imagine his reaction!!

Morning all. Just checking in.

I completely get that Shabbs :) There will be something out there for him, but it's a difficult world.

Hello. I've visited this thread a few times but today is the first time I've been able to post. I think some of you who are further along this hideous path might be able to help me. I didn't know where else to go to discuss this.
My beautiful, brave, clever, determined, cheeky Wombat grew his wings last September. He was 3 1/2. He had a rare heart condition, but it was still unexpected.
This morning, my DD (now 2, she was exactly 18 months old when we lost her big brother) joined me in bed and was snuggling in and it was lovely. I had the thought that 'this would be one of those perfect moments if only Wombat was also here'. I've spent the rest of the day pretty much sobbing. It might sound silly, but it feels like everything is going to be duller because he's not here. I feel like I'm never going to be truly joyfull ever again, I can't see how I can ever have another perfect moment. But isn't that unfair to DD?

Wombat - I'm sorry you are here with us. I think we all completely understand how you feel as we have all had those exact same thoughts and feelings. I still have two beautiful dc's with me and live every day for them but the colour of my days will now be forever changed due to the loss of my DD. it's where you feel torn in loving your children that are still present with you and feeling guilt at doing this because the child you hold so close in your heart isn't there to participate. It's horrible.

Let the tears flow freely. I found no matter how heart wrenching it was it was easier to let the emotion out rather than hold it in.

Just wanted to say missing my darling DD today and feeling flat and disconnected from the world. Wishing she was here to cuddle.

Shiney - you aren't alone. My DS2 has PTSD and attachment issues which display when he is anxious and he goes into fight mode rather than flight mode. It's been a long road but CAMHS have helped us enormously but more importantly have helped me. With all the help they have given me in understanding my needs and reactions it has benefited DS2 enormously. This is the first year he has been able to cope at school and I really do think it's down to the changes I have made in parenting him as well as his own therapy. Happy to chat whenever you need.

Remember you aren't a bad parent at all you have your own grief and issues to deal with whilst also trying to parent others and hold the family together. It is a learning process and just be open to that. Don't criticise yourself. You have no reason to as parenting is so different for each child we have and therefore never quite the same. It's bloody hard work.

Unless these so called 'experts' have lived with the loss of a child they have no bloody idea - none whatsoever. Makes me so very angry.

I thought that I did well - especially after Matt was killed. Everybody said they admired my strength. A few weeks ago, in a 'heated debate' with my husband - he said 'You lost the plot when the boys died and you didn't help me at all!!!!!!!!!!!!' to him those words were the truth but to me they cut me like a knife. Some people need to think before they speak.

Sending my love and thoughts to you xxxx

How can you ever possibly be ready for your child to die? Shiney - CAHMS should know better. They really should. I guess your DH is just still in shock as well but I'm very sorry you felt criticised.

shabbs - I'm seething at your DH on your behalf.

Shiney - it's hard at the time because you are struggling with your own feelings but please do be very clear with CAMHS about how that so called professional made you feel and request someone else. You have rights and you need to be respected not disrespected. That is completely unacceptable for you to be made to feel that way.

Shabbs - I'm with lily your DH needed a swift kick. I can guarantee you did hold it together and were incredibly strong. If you can't be true to yourself at home and out down the mask where the hell can you. He should understand that, having also been devestated by the terrible loss. At home we should feel safe enough to just let go.

Please don't apologise on here shiney. We all understand. The loss of a child is so life altering there is nothing that can describe what we suffer. I felt like I was on a merry-go-round I couldn't get off for 6 years. Every month without fail I would fall in a hole and struggle to climb out. It was frustrating to say the least, draining as well. For me I finally got any-d's which have helped even me out and therefore better parent my DS2 without the shouting. It's what seems to help us but each child is so different in what they need. I have done a lot of work on the circle of security which also let me understand his needs.

I don't think I was ready before now as the support from CAMHS has been amazing for us but did mean I had to unpack stuff about me and how I was feeling to then see the impact of these on my boys. This isn't easy and I found I had to hold everything together for years before I could get close to working on what I have.

The one thing that rang true for me after the loss of DD has been that I parented and managed based on instincts and this was the right thing to do. Trust yourself. It may not be perfect but it's right at the time for you and those around you.

Your feelings resonate very strongly with me too Shiney.

Checking in with you all. Those that want to chat, those that read and manage in their own way and to those absent friends who may not have checked in for awhile. I hope you are all taking care of yourselves and managing as best you can.