Support thread for anyone who has lost a parent (4)

[mummylin2495]

Here is our new home hope it's as comfy as the last one

Downton So sorry to read that your mum has now died- what a drawn-out process that was for you all. You must be exhausted. I don't know whether it will be different for you, but when we arranged mum's funeral, we didn't personally have to find any money (not even a deposit), it all came out of the 'estate', via the solicitor.

mummylin Sorry to hear about the sickness. Hopefully you will have absorbed some of the goodness from your medication :( I'm glad to hear your sister has moved now. Even if you don't have much time to socialise together, it'll be nice to know she's nearby.

Badvoc Hope your visit to your aunt goes ok. Is the hospice nice?
I feel your pain re DIY issues! My OH likes to do it all himself- to be fair, he's good at it but he doesn't actually have enough time to do it all!

Thanks all for your kind words. We have both kept quite a few things of mum and dad's- both practical, useable things, and other not-so-useful things! Almost everything else went to a local place which is a homeless charity. They have huge premises where they sell the stuff on, and they also employ homeless people to work there.

Then there was about a dozen or so other things which were nicer/more valuable and they went to the auction. I didn't mind thinking about some nice person buying something for their home; what I did mind was the thought of antique dealers etc getting their hands on it. But it's gone now and that's that. Just another step in this process. sigh

Hello downton we also did not have to find any actual money to pay the funeral directors, the solicitor was able to pay them direct. I hope it will be the same for you, it's not a thing you want to really have to think about things like that. I can't remember exactly how it went as I was in a bit of a fog at the time , but I do know we did not have to worry about it, all those kind of things will probably be paid by any estate,
This is a very sad time for you, especially after your awful week and things will certainly be going through your mind. I think it is natures way of trying to process things. Do look after yourself and make yourself eat, if only a little of something. Thinking of you

Downton...normally the bank bereavement dept are helpful and can pay these expenses directly.
At least they did for us, but I was dads executor so in a sense it was easier as I could contact them direct.

I too was the executor along with my brother. I can't really remember how we went about things as my brother took control and I just signed stuff when I needed to. But I do know we didnt have to pay any actual cash out. I can remember having to take a oath for probate at the solicitor but not a lot more, oh and I needed identification at various banks etc, eg passport, utility bill etc .

Thank you. It was as you said and they will deal direct with the solicitor. It's a weight off my mind.

Just ask if we can help with anything else downtown. One of us surely will know something. Hope you are getting through today as best you can. It is a horrible time and I know we can all empathise with you here.
You will be wondering how on earth the world is just going on the same when this devastating thing has happened. It's heartbreaking.

Not sure if this applys to you Downtown, but if you have to register your mums death, do ask for more than one copy of the certificate, different places will need a copy. We were lucky and they gave us 4 anyway, but I believe some places make you buy extra.

Downton...we used the "tell us once" service from the registrar which I would recommend - it means that they notify people like dvla, passport office, DWP etc so you don't have to.
Also, as Lin days, do get multiple copies of the death certificate.
We had to wait for a PM (as dad died very unexpectedly) which delayed things a bit.
I am thinking of you x

Downton - I'm so glad that you came here, came back. I felt wrong to suggest it on your thread at the time as I am so new here.

Sending you so much love. You are in the right place as you know. xxx

I have asked DH to get a flowering rose (he's found one in her name, Jude), so will get that and I would like it in a planter so that I can see it, tend to it, arrange things and add to it myself.

My disability stops me doing so much but a planter I could cope with if I sat for a while.

Re the letter, I need to tell her so much unfinished business that I never sorted out. I love her so much for all that she gave us, all that she went without and all that she left behind for us...... and yet I know she'd be cross with me. For being sad.

She's missed so many firsts already. Last night Nemo had his first ever wee on the toilet! He is 5 in May and his SN/LD have stopped him developing so much but also the fact that he's tube fed with liquids means liquid, ahem, secretions!

He was so brave, I asked if he could hold it and I held him onto the loo, he did it! A real wee on the big loo!

I might have found the room a bit dusty for a while............... in a nice way :)

Thank you all for being here.

I will read back and learn all about you and get to know you I promise.

Thank you for having me here, welcoming me and letting me say what I need to.

Goodnight to those who can sleep, I'm off to try. xxx

Oh mouse I am really happy that you have managed to get your rosé. I hope that will help you a little. As for your letter, you are welcome to write to your mum on here, some of us have done this at different times. Or if you want to keep it private, write your letter and set fire to it, let the smoke go up towards the stars for your mum.

Hi all, I hope you don't mind if I keep popping in and out- I am trying to remember who everybody is but am useless with names at the best of times

It is a month today since mum died (suddenly and unexpectedly, but after a cancer diagnosis a few months earlier). 2 yr old DS kindly woke me up at 3, and he has dropped back off but I can't. Dad and I are in the middle of writing a letter to the hospital with some concerns about mum's treatment and the words are going round my head.

mouseface big congrats to nemo, I remember you mentioning him earlier on the thread and he sounds great.

downton- as someone who has recently been through funeral arrangements I am wishing you well for the days ahead, particularly as the last days with your mum have already been so stressful. When we were organising mum's funeral the article below was published and we found some of it helpful. I found the opening sentence very true, about the 1000 decisions to be made in the worst few days of your life:
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jan/04/emma-freud-guide-how-to-do-funeral

Best wishes to everyone else x

imnotcute just pop in an out whenever you feel like it. We all do that to a certain extent. It's fine.

Forgot to say to mouse well done to your young "nemo* what an achievement for him !

Well done nemo! :)
Ds2 has his first wobbly tooth - he is delighted :)
Have spent most of the morning on the phone to the construction company and council regarding the crappy work done on mums property.
Just what I needed today.
Anyway, i must have rang enough people (5) as they are at mums house now sorting it out.
I just don't need this ATM.
Dh is being a dick about the leaky sink. I obv don't have enough on my plate and he doesn't feel that it's important.
Sigh...

Afternoon everyone.

Thank you for the kind comments about Nemo :) it's bath night again tonight so we'll see if he'll try.

Badvoc - sorry you're having such a shitty day x

ImNotCute - we can 'pop' together for a while, I'm new too. :) x

Lin - was it you with the bad back? I hope you're feeling better if so, I have degenerative disc disease, facet joint syndrome and herniated discs. Oh, and of course, stress! But my pain radiates out from my lower back into my hips so I've been to the GP this morning. I think I'll be seeing more of him

I hope that you're all as okay as you can be, weekends are harder for me, as it's when we would see them, or they'd come to us.

Best wishes to all of you xxx

Mouse...I have fibro and a herniated disc at L3 and some days it's no fun. I also have a pelvic problem from go with ds2 which hasn't resolved.
I have lost a lot of weight which is good (but lost it though ill health which is bad) and am trying to walk more but god, some mornings I am like a creaky door trying to get going :(

Another "popper inner" here :)

Oh badvoc sorry you're having a rough day, glad you've got the council to take notice though, no easy task! well done :)

Yes shallweshop I think you are spot on that me becoming a mum has made the loss of my own mum more raw again. We had just started to become really good friends when she got ill. I know she would of been my rock when DD arrived and we would of been best of friends now. I guess I'm grieving not only that she cannot meet her granddaughter but also that I do not have the support of my own mum like all the other new mums I know :( but at the same time I am so thankful that I had the relationship with her that I did because, without a doubt, she has made me who I am today :)

Hello downton hope you are managing as well as you can. I lurked on your other thread, I'm so sorry that I didn't post but I just couldn't find the right words and others seemed to be doing a much better job than I could of done! Your posts were so moving, your strength and devotion shone through. Your mum would of been proud of how you dealt with it all and I'm certain you were a huge comfort to her.

mouse my house must be dusty too as my eyes seemed to get a bit watery when I read your update on nemo. He sounds like an amazing little boy, what a very proud mummy moment!

imnotcute hope you're doing ok today. The first month is a big milestone. There's something about it not being just weeks anymore. I remember it well as for us, it was also my mums birthday :( she would of been 49.

Well tomorrow is mums birthday and also my MIL birthday. If it weren't for her illness mum would of been 55 tomorrow and still looking amazing no doubt! We were in the supermarket the other day and DP was choosing a birthday card for his mum and also a 'grandma' card to give to her from our DD. I had to walk away :(

I hope next month will be a little easier. The last few weeks have been tough going :(

Love to all

Tea...I think they are scared of me actually turning up at the office! :)
haven't googled the directions

good news on the fixing badvoc, I think sometimes if you scare the hell out of people things get done faster but I am an avid complainer haha. but I did get my broadband contract cancelled with no cancellation fees despite having eight months left to pay which they insisted I did before I turned into a mega bitch.

tea, I hear you I could not chose any cards and still don't. I wouldnt even write dps mum cgristmas present tag hurt too Much to do that. I hate card shopping now and tend to moonpig so I don't have to see the displays.

I've got in touch with my local hospice who were looking for volunteers for a social networking based fundraising idea going to a meeting about it next week. it's close to home because mum spent time there as a day patient and having treatments it will be hard to walk back in there not to have a bru and take her home but I hope that I can give something back to the respite they gave her and us. been feeling really down lately and trying to keep busy but their is only so much to do. we keep on though eh. mummylinn are you better now? ssd and T how are things? Lego hope you are doo g okay after this week and not finding things too hard, biscuits and imnot how are you?

downton I hovered on your thread and posted twice, I hope the arrangments are going okay and you are getting some time to think.

anyone and everyone else I'm on phone so can't read back but thinking of you all

and well done to nemo also . I hope he was very proud of himself and you are quite allowed to find the room dusty on that score, way to go!

Whatever works badvoc!

Super - thats really lovely that you are going to help the hospice. Although it might be tinged with sadness, I'm sure you will enjoy it. Something positive to keep you busy :)

hi again girls, have just been catching up here...I read every day but dont often post, you know how it is, sometimes you have so much to say but dont know where to start...

anyway super, volunteering sounds great, I've thought of doing that myself with the elderly, I will one day

mummylin, hope you are feeling a bit better, another coincidence on here, I was at the drs this morning with hip problems, its no fun is it

hugs to us all xxx

we all need some sun and relaxation. who's for a mumsnet holiday

that would be class, no arguing children , no husbands who refuse to undertake DIY, plenty of Malibu and fine foods .

sign me up!

ssd I do,hope there isn't a huge problem with your hip, I know it can be so painful from the experiences with my dh and my friend.
Feeling a lot better today, thank god . Got really bad weather forecast for the weekend here especially on Sunday which is my day to go and see to my two graves. I hope I will be able to do it as I feel unsettled if I know there are no fresh flowers there.
It's almost like night time here at the moment.
Hope everyone is managing and that today is a good day. To the recently bereaved, just take one day at a time . You will get through this awful time.