Walking together on a journey - sharing experiences, tears, anger and sometimes even laughter. United we stand, divided we fall.

[shabbatheGreek]

This special thread was started in 2008. Its a special place - one which nobody would ever willingly come to. I hope we pay tribute to our lost children by helping each other. xxxx

theday Was the blog you mention 500 miles ?

Heavenly - blimey it was! I just had a look and realised she hasn't posted since 2013 though. I wonder how they are all doing.

Another blog I read is Awful but functioning (she lost a six day old daughter)
I've bookmarked ourowncreation.wordpress.com - I have no idea what it's like, I have yet to read.
Themourningafternatasha.wordpress.com (she says a lot about the grief process, although she lost an older daughter to cancer, it resonates with me)

I also google a lot about baby loss and baby loss blogs, and hop onto ones that come up. Although some of the blogs I've put there are baby loss, the feelings the parents describe and the grief process at losing a child may be of some relevance to all.

Lily, I have a book by the Compassionate Friends, it's a yellow covered one about losing a child, but it's primarily for people who've lost an older child - I don't know if you would find it of any interest? You may have to google it though (sorry if I can find it I will post the name). Actually just looking on the Compassionate Friends' online bookstore, there are a lot of books which may be of interest to all of us (if you want to read and haven't already). I think I may order some now.

Anyway, I hope that makes sense. xxxx

Thanks Theday and heavenlye. I get all you are talking about I'm in one of those cycles at the moment. I will definitely read what you have linked to and look at the compassionate friends site. Theday, I know what you mean about the OK day, I got up, got ready and got in the car for work yesterday feeling ok and then all of a sudden cried the whole way there, composed myself, got out of the car and got in with day. I can feel completely contrary at times as the emotion just sweeps over you. I'm always amazed as well at how I appear to function without letting anyone really know what is happening underneath. I am confident you are all the same.

I had an interesting experience the other day when someone quite caring asked how I was and instead of the standard reply of ok I said not too good. They couldn't get away quick enough and didn't even take the comment further. That showed me that in fact people generally aren't listening, sometimes don't care and have no idea what to do if you are honest. I figured I would keep it to myself going forward.

Have a good day/night. I'm not sleeping at the moment even with Valium so am up at crazy hours.

Afternoon girls. xx

Compassionate Friends was my 'first port of call' after Gareth died - they were fantastic and there was always someone I could contact if 'stuff' got unbearable.

Thanks theday I'll have a look at it. I find I have to be in the right frame of mind for even looking at stuff. Do you all find that too?

mojito you're exactly right about appearing to function. I have found that I am actually an oscar-standard actress.... and to think nobody ever knew!

I need to go and have a sleep. I'm exhausted today.

I'm not surprised you're tired Lily. It's been a hugely emotional time for you and the last few days even more so. I find I manage the events/anniversaries ok but tend to be down afterwards. You invest so much time and energy in holding yourself together at some point you have to let go. On another note maybe we all need to choose our own Oscar frocks for the performance we manage to put on when needed. It will be a full stage as everyone would win the Oscar.

Morning girls xx

Spent the entire night waking every 20 minutes or so in a panic??? Think my parents are on my mind. It was the same panicky feeling like after my boys died. The 'wake up and for a second dont remember' kind of feeling. Feel like 'poo on a stick' now - my word that is a 'quaint' Lancashire saying

hi everybody.

Sorry you had a crap night shabbs. I sometimes wake up and don't know where I am or what day it is or anything. Feels like I'm going mad.

Shit-on-a-stick is also a Yorkshire saying, but it does cover how I feel too sometimes.

Functioned reasonably well today but had a very soggy time with an old friend in the middle of Bicester Village. Lovely timing, but you never know when it's going to hit.

Hope you sleep better tonight shabbs.

Evening all

Shabbs I'm so sorry to hear you've had an awful night. I hope you get a more peaceful evening tonight (if possible) I guess with all the stuff going on with your parents, it's hard to shut off.

Lily, the griefbursts are hard, aren't they. And the aftermath of feeling wobbly, tired, low, drained……

I feel like I'm on autopilot at the moment. It's a strange, strange feeling. everything feels so unreal. I can't believe I had a baby who died. It's making me nervous as I'm waiting for an outburst. Does anyone else feel like that?

A peaceful (if possible evening to you all) x

Peaceful dreams to you all.

Morning girls xx

Morning Shabbs. I hope you slept better. You have a lot going on.

I was wondering what rituals do you all have when trying to avoid your thoughts/feelings. I seem to play endless games of suduko on my phone, when it isn't something I actually enjoy. I don't go to sleep without having done this and I have only started this since DD passed. I may write on mumsnet but then go back to suduko. Do any of you have these sorts of rituals.

Mindless endless games of freecell on my laptop. MN, FB and rubbish. I should go for a run but my arthritis is bad and it hurts my foot too much.

I was a freecell freak too until I got suduko.

Afternoon all.

Have been numb and busy today. Just sitting here on the laptop whilst little one is napping.

Mojito I'm a bit rubbish really, I just read blogs, blogs, blogs and more loss blogs trying to make myself feel not so alone. Or I browse stuff on my phone. I can't read properly anymore so I get a magazine every now and again and flick through.

It's sunny here. I'd say the sun looks lovely, but to me it's just a sad reminder of last year "this time last year……" thoughts are going round in my head. Painful.

Anyway, Shabs I hope you had a better night.

Hello to everyone else, Mias, Diamond, Heavenly, Lily, and anyone else who I've missed xxxx

Hello all. Sorry, I have been reading and not posting - didn't really feel I had anything useful to contribute. The comments about rituals makes sense to me. I did religiously check MN first thing in the morning and last thing at night. The people here stopped me from feeling alone, and helped me work through a lot of grief and confusion. I also went through a 12-book series of a sci-fantasy novel, each being over 1000 pages. The books were my escape from reality, stopping me from feeling, from being in a world without Mia. They were essential to me. But poor MrMia, he would sit here, watching me cry as I typed on MN, and then having me check out while I read. Yet he knew I needed to do both if these activities, and never once tried to stop me, despite him probably needing me more than he has ever said.

I can't get my head around sudoko.

DS's first birthday without us in 48 minutes. Shall I go to bed or shall I stay up? I'd really like to go across to the churchyard and put candles to burn through the night for him. Ridiculous really, and the church is about 18 miles away.

Strange where our fancy takes us.

Go do what feels right. If putting candles there is what you want then do it. It's certainly not silly and will give you time alone with hi to cherish all of your memories if him.

Just had a thought.....June 30th will be my Matt's 30th birthday. He loved birthdays....he always wanted a Ghostbusters set with al the figures. I remember in the early 90's it was £50 he never got it. Going to start looking around at car boot sales to see if I can find it for him. How can my third son be almost 30???? Scary stuff!!

Morning girls xx

I hope you can find it Shabbs. Good hunting.

Morning shabbs. Like the idea of the Ghostbusters figures. Check ebay.

I'm taking birthday cake to Paddy and shall sit in the sunshine with him and eat some with one of his best friends.

I hurt so much for his brothers today. It's a hard day for them too.

Morning all.

Oh Lily, I hope the day is as gentle as can be for you.

Shabbs, I hope you find it too. Do you find the years have passed very quickly? Has your grief changed as the years have? (Does that make sense?)

I am having a very very very lazy day today.

Hello to everyone else.

xxx

Sometimes it seems like I lost the boys yesterday and sometimes it seems like a 1,000 years since I last saw them.

It does change though....gradually you learn to laugh again (without feeling guilt) you look forward to things. It is a new and different life whilst never forgetting your precious child/children.

I still have bad days - just that now I understand that the bad days will pass.

xxxx