Walking together on a journey - sharing experiences, tears, anger and sometimes even laughter. United we stand, divided we fall.

[shabbatheGreek]

This special thread was started in 2008. Its a special place - one which nobody would ever willingly come to. I hope we pay tribute to our lost children by helping each other. xxxx

hi guys well ive been tring not to look at 'breavement stuff'
on the web.

guess trying to hide from it all for awhile or smething

today i noticed this blog on mumsnet
here

she talks about allsorts of things i relate to

here

somewhere on the blog she explains about how getting through the day is like starting out with a cerain amount of spoons and simply getting out of bed uses one spoon and so on, about how draining it to simply survive

i think the orginal person inveted this spoon thery about illness but it seems to apply to childloss too

and its interest how she says she a contradiction
a mess of all jumblded up emotions

so even though ive been actively trying to aviod certain things, yet, i still seem to stubble across them

Im OK thanks. Been into our local town to get Dads pressie for my Mums 80th birthday on Saturday. I am a nervous wreck crossing the roads in town and then thinking about my youngest, Tom, who will be crossing them in a few hours on his way home from 6th form college!!! I am getting as much of a worrier as my Mum!!!

xx

Hi diamond
I've just read the links you shared with us, and my goodness they resonated with all the thoughts and feelings I have. Merry writes beautifully.

I've had one hell of a week for all sorts of reasons - none of which are directly or actually even indirectly related to Paddy's death. Just a perform storm of problems which I would have dealt with much more easily before. I know what you mean shabbs My DS3 has to bear the brunt of all my new worrying.

I need

for the rest of you!

Morning girls xx

Morning shabbs

Raining here today which is :( It's been so beautifully sunny for the last few days and the sunshine and snowdrops really lifted my spirits.

Evening all,

Diamond, funnily enough I was reading her site yesterday too. She lost her little boy at 11 days old and it's been interesting reading where she is now and where she was. She totally gets it and explains it well doesn't she? I was reading her blog yesterday because, the day before I'd been feeling 'ok' (whatever that is) and felt like if I felt like I did on Wednesday then there was a possibility I could make it through, albeit with sadness. Cue a counsellor appointment, bad sleep on Wednesday night with nightmares and Thursday was an awful day. Talk about going round in circles. How are you today?

Lily, is it tomorrow the unveiling? I hope the sun will shine for you and you can remember your son with all your love.

Shabbs, I think your anxiety is quite warranted. I get like that now whenever I'm not with my DC. I hope you have a good weekend with your parents.

I hope this weekend is gentle on all of you, whatever your plans - especially Lily. Hand holding here if you need it.

Love to you all xx

Sorry Lily, not unveiling, dedicating of Paddy's headstone xxx

Afternoon girls xx

Hi to all. Some of you I have written to elsewhere on MN but it is only now I have sat and read all of the posts in here. I see you all welcome new people so thank you in advance. I don't know if I can be as regular a poster as some of you are but do want to participate. All I do know is I need this site now far more than I ever have in the last five years. I can't move past the unending tears or gut wrenching emptiness that exists inside me at the moment. To give you a brief overview my DD was taken from me at the hands of my ex. He chose this path deliberately but due to circumstances ended up sparing the life of my 2 DS's. Like you here I go on each day for them and do the best I can. Sometimes that isn't enough and other times it is. I seem to be in that cycle of up one minute and then completely flat on the floor the next. I'm spending a lot of time on the floor at the moment which shows me two things. One, I need to clean the floor more often and two I need to be more open with my grief, let it out and let it flow. With luck I'll achieve these things. I'm on the other side of the world to all of you so when I post I may be in the middle of summer compared to your winter and in the evening to your morning. I, like all others before me am sad to see so many on this path. Thank you Shab for your amazing strength and thank you Mia for your amazing eloquence. To all here I offer my heartfelt sympathy.

Welcome Mojito. What a truly heartbreaking, dreadful situation. I cannot imagine how you feel.

Post whenever you can xxxx

Thanks Shabbs. How are things with you and your family. I marvel at your strength, resilience and love. My thoughts have been with you over the journey you are on with your parents. I know you are doing all you can and how tough it must be some days.

Morning girls xx

Morning shabbs theday mojito and everybody else.

I was just popping in to say hello.

mojito I am breathless. I wish I had Mia's amazing way with words. She often says things that I realise I am thinking but I haven't got the way at the moment to articulate. I do often think that she and shabbs show the rest of us the way through this fog. I send you hugs though.

It's going to be a tough day for us. I know it's superficial but I really hope that the weather stays kind as it just lifts the spirits when the sun shines. I could do with that.

Hope you all have a good day.

all round!

Lily, we have beautiful weather here at the moment. Not a cloud in the sky. I'll do all I can to send it your way as you are right a little bit if sunshine can make all the difference. By the way I love hearing you all talk about the weather. I have spent a lot of my adult life in the UK and all my kids were born there. I miss so much about it and you all bring me a piece of that in your posts.

Whereabouts do you live Mojito - and yes please to some sunshine!!

mojito I'm afraid I have to take you to task.... you failed miserably to send us sunshine today!!! But it didn't rain all day

So many people came to see Paddy's headstone being dedicated and blessed and it was overwhelming. So many old friends of his came to play hockey in his memory. It was beautiful. Overwhelming. Poignant. Bitter-sweet.

Thanks for all the support. It really does make a difference.

Morning all ( it is here anyway) I'm in Oz. Damn that weather for not getting to you in time. Lily I am pleased (there just aren't the right words) to hear how many came for the blessing and hockey match. Again how sad you had to do this at all. He and all of you are truly loved.

I'm pleased to say I'm not on the floor at this moment. Let's see how today goes.

Lily I may be wrong but it sounds like a wonderful day. For your amazing boy to be recognised and loved by friends is amazing. I remember when i first came onto Fbook and stared in amazement at Matts friends and wondered how come their lives have carried on but I was stuck in the 'moment.' I hope it has been a day when people have remembered your lad and you have rejoiced in the fact that he must have been a vital human being. xxxxxxxxx

Morning girls.
You're right to use the word pleased mojito. I was pleased to see so many of Paddy's friends, but just so sad as well. It's just so amazing to see other people loving our boy as well. Sometimes it feels as if everything has just stopped for us, at the same time as carrying on, and other times it feels as if by continuing with our lives we're moving on without him. There are no "right" answers.

Hope your day continues to be calm and peaceful mojito.... all of you really.

Morning girls xx

Morning. Lovely to hear from you Lily.

Hello everyone.

Mojito welcome and my heart goes out to you. I hope you can keep posting.

Lily it sounds like the dedication and blessing went well. Your boy touched a lot of lives for so many to come and honour him.

Diamond thanks for linking to that blog - I need to set aside some time to read through it.

Are there any other blogs / books people have drawn comfort from? I have been reading quite a few Anne Tyler books. I then read a quote by her about her husband's death which I thought I would post here as it does resonate with how I feel:

"When it happens you think this is unbearable, and it is unbearable. But of course every body bears it. The main thing I thought after my husband died was 'Where did he go?' You can't have that much vitality and exuberance and joyfulness and it just comes to nothing. No! It's got to be somewhere. I'm not religious, but I really did sit very still and think, say something to me."

I am feeling so tired all the time - definitely agree about the spoons. Having DS1 off nursery for a week and being busy has knocked me for six.

Hello also to shabbs, theday and Mias

Morning all.

Lily I am pleased to read that Paddy's dedication went well. I can imagine the multitude of emotions it unleashed though, a beautiful day but wrong also, that he couldn't be there with you all. I know what you mean about the passing of time and how life stands still but continues to march onwards, whether you want it to or not. I find it weird when I see how people are enjoying their lives and planning things (why not, though I suppose) when I can't seem to. Yet when I do it makes me feel guilty.

Mojito Hello and welcome. I was unbelievably sad to read about your daughter and have been thinking about you a lot over the past few days. We are always here to listen if you want to talk about your DD or your other sons (I saw your other thread as well) or just rant away about how strange life is. The ladies here understand and have been lovely to me since I've joined.

Shabbs, good morning, how are you? How do you find it on FB? I've had to come off it because I guess I can't handle seeing my friends carrying on enjoying their lives and me sitting her feeling sad. I wish they would remember my baby too. How are your parents?

Heavenly. Morning - I've been addicted to blogs since my baby died and theres' quite a few out there, I'll have to find some of them and post them. I think whether you are religious or not the feeling of 'where has the person gone' really, really, really sits there and makes you think. I remember just after my baby died looking and thinking, where are you? Where has your life-force gone? Where has your personality gone. Experiencing death so close makes you think a lot about life, doesn't it?

To everyone else, hello! I am at work and supposed to be working so it's a sneaky hello to all.

Another day without our loved ones. We can do it. One step at a time. And rejoice in the small things that may even make us smile…just a teeny tiny bit. (that's my theory for today, anyway) xxxxx

Thank you to all for your welcome. I too would love to read blogs, books or other articles as five years feels like forever yet no time at all. I'm sure I won't make sense of the loss or bereavement yet I am desperate to understand it. I struggle with the cycle - just when I think I'm managing I fall in a hole and so it all begins again. One of my closest friends has been the most amazing support and I have said to her I just can't keep saying the same thing over and over to her. It must be doing her head in. It is a Groundhog Day conversation. I feel this thread and MN will provide the space as so unfortunately each of you have suffered terrible loss and I'm sure "get it".

I will share over time about my amazing boys and also my beautiful daughter. For now it's enough to know you are out there and listening. Thank you.

Hi Mojito

I will look up the blogs and I will post them for you. I know I read a blog that I think was from a MNetter who lost their son when he was about 5, although I can't for the life of me think what it was. Maybe it wasn't a Mnetter….I can't remember. Does anyone else know it? I'll look it up, anyway.

I think someone said to me that grief isn't linear, more circular and I totally get that. I can be cruising on auto-pilot just fine and then hit a bump in the road….BAM. I'm completely floored. I stall and I have to begin over again. I'm sure your friend understands, it's good to have a friend like that. I kinda feel at the moment that people are expecting me to get on with it and when they ask me how I'm doing, I feel that if I don't give the standard "I'm ok" answer then they'll be fed up with me. It's lonely, isn't it? Even my family don't get me sometimes (although they do try).

No pressure to tell us anymore about your DC's, you can talk to us about how your feeling, or whatever you want really :)

Was having an 'ok' day, but all of a sudden I can feel the tears pricking my eyes. It's like life is intensified after loss. Every anxiety is magnified, every stress made more stressful. I just want my child. Like you all do, I know :(

Always listening Mojito, even if I don't post. xxxxxx