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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Walking together on a journey - sharing experiences, tears, anger and sometimes even laughter. United we stand, divided we fall.

972 replies

shabbatheGreek · 23/07/2013 10:10

This special thread was started in 2008. Its a special place - one which nobody would ever willingly come to. I hope we pay tribute to our lost children by helping each other. xxxx

OP posts:
shabbs · 19/02/2014 07:57

Morning girls xx

shabbs · 21/02/2014 10:04

Morning girls - hope you are all OK - whatever the hell OK is!!!!

thedaymylifestoodstill · 21/02/2014 15:07

Hi Shabbs!

What is ok?!?! :) I was thinking that just now. Goodness what a strange parallel universe we all inhabit.

I'm here, lurking. I've been reading the posts and will reply in full at some point, haven't seem to have the full mental energy to formulate a meaningful reply. But I am thinking of you all (and that is meaningful!)

xx

shabbs · 21/02/2014 15:30

No idea what OK is Smile and even less idea what the reply (when asked how you are) 'Getting there thank you!! means - where the hell is 'there??'

as Robbie Wiliams sings 'I didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give away!!!!!!!!!!!'

LoveAndDeath · 21/02/2014 15:59

Today, a client asked how I had been since she last saw me which was in 2010. I told her that I had had a bit of a rough time and explained about Sylvie-Rose.
Later she asked what age my youngest was. I really wanted to tell her that I had just TOLD her about my youngest and that ds4 is not and can never be again my youngest. But you can't get arsey with clients

diamondlizard · 21/02/2014 16:53

Hi guys

I'm here still a bit crazy lol
What's new!

Love I moments like that if eellike slapping my forehead really hard and saying I just fucking told you that

I have less patience tbh these days for idiots

LilyTheSavage · 21/02/2014 17:14

Hi diamond.

I know exactly what you mean. I sometimes look at AIBU threads and I want to slap some common sense and manners into some of the people posting. They have no idea and are judgemental and entitled and stroppy and seem to seek to take offence and they need to sort their priorities out. I have no patience for muppets either. (Rant over).

On that note, I'm going to a yoga class to start my weekend feeling calm and peaceful.

We need an emoticon for hugs....
[hugs] but on the other hand it's nearly time for Wine

thedaymylifestoodstill · 21/02/2014 17:45

Lily, the world is full of idiots! :) And people who moan about things that really, really, really, aren't that important.

Shabbs, I think OK in our world means kind of living on auto-pilot with the occasional smile!

Diamond, can I join the crazy club please? I feel like everything I say at the moment is in a completely different language and people have no idea what I'm going on about. In my mind, I know how I feel and that it's ok to feel how I'm feeling, but to others it's as if I've taken leave of my senses.

Love, I'm sorry to read about your client - how annoying and upsetting. People can be, well, idiots!

Well, I've made it through half term. I've managed to get out most days for a least a couple of hours with the children. But even then, when I see my children smiling and I'm enjoying the time with them, I find myself feeling this sadness, it's always there, right at the back of my mind, sadness that there should be someone here. Then I start to think, why isn't she here, why couldn't she be here and the missing and the loneliness starts to eat a hole in my chest and tears burn the back of my eyes. But we made it though, 'it' got no worse. She is not here, she never will be. And I am still alive.

Love, hugs, wine, beer, hot chocolate, fattening cakes, sugar free cakes, wheat free cakes, chocolate and all other goodies to you all xx

cupofteaplease · 21/02/2014 18:27

Hello all,

A FB friend has linked to an article about a little girl aged 3 who died unexpectedly. Comments underneath from mutual friends read, 'How awful I can't bear to think about it.' 'How terrible, you just can't imagine it.'

Why are these comments irritating me so much today? Of course they feel that way and are entitled to write what the hell they like. But it's annoyed me... Because I don't have a choice about imagining it? Because I have to think about the pain 24/7? I'm not sure, but I'm feeling irrational and cross today!

diamondlizard · 21/02/2014 22:00

Cupoftea
I get annoyed by that
A similar thing a group of mum friends sitting around talking about how call the midwife made them so sad
And some fil where the dad died had upset there children

And I just sat there thinking
A film made you that sad!,,
This is my life....

I don't see this group anymore
I wasn't enjoying spending time with them after losing ds
Didn't look forward to seeing them, didn't enjoy it
And didn't come away feeling good after seeing them,I fact I felt worse for seeing them

I have now successfully binned them

shabbs · 22/02/2014 09:10

Morning girls xx

thedaymylifestoodstill · 22/02/2014 14:40

Hello all
Cup, I can understand how you feel - because what they're saying doesn't mean anything. They can feel awful and go back to their lives. They can imagine for a millisecond the awfulness of having a child who dies but then go back to their lives, they can forget. We can't. Most of the time we can function on autopilot, but the days, the days when you relive it in your head, you can imagine it happening as if it were yesterday, you play back everything going on and wonder if there was something you should have done - those are the days when it seeps into your bones and the anger arises. Unfairness doesn't even cover it.

Diamond, I've noticed my circle of friends has gotten increasingly smaller and smaller as the months have gone on. I read somewhere that a grieving parent said it was good to forgive friends who can't be there or who've let you down but in my mind, why should I? So that they can think that it's all ok now and 'life goes on'?

I hope that makes sense.

I looked in her memory box today. I shouldn't have. :(

LilyTheSavage · 23/02/2014 08:38

I try not to look at photos of my DS. It's too painful. I sometimes do catch a glimpse of the pictures of him that we have around the house and it just doesn't make sense. It's a peculiar mixture of disbelief and all the all-too-real utter despair.

But I am calm (mostly). Inside everything is in turmoil in spite of the anti-depressants that I take. Next weekend his headstone is being dedicated and blessed which will be difficult. It'll be very hard to see all his old friends and be looking for him.

shabbs · 24/02/2014 07:06

Morning girls xx

LilyTheSavage · 24/02/2014 12:29

Morning shabbs. How was your weekend? You ok?

shabbs · 24/02/2014 13:32

Hiya love - aye it was OK - sorted my parents out - cleaned their house from top to bottom and brought all their laundry home. My Dad says that I am now their 'Mam & Dad!!!' Smile Dreadful to see how poorly they both are but we always end up laughing and joking and teasing each other.

xxx

LilyTheSavage · 24/02/2014 14:51

Glad you can still laugh. Lifts the spirits. XX

LoveAndDeath · 24/02/2014 23:49

shabs, your Dad sounds like a diamond xx
I think you have a lot to cope with. Parents who need to be taken care of, sons who need to be taken care of, a grandson who needs to be taken care of. I hope sometimes, someone takes care of shabs!

Lily, I like to look at pictures of Sylvie-Rose but dh finds them too painful. I find it too painful not to look at her. And yet it also makes me so, so sad.

I find that I have days when I think I'm fine, I've come a long way, I'm doing well. And then that same day, a song will come on the radio that floors me and I'm trying to drive and wipe my eyes at the same time.

cup, it's maddening isn't it? In work last week, we were talking about a young Irish lad who went on a college trip to London and then was found dead, 18 years old. One of my colleages was talking about the family and said "You think you have problems and then you hear something like that"
And I'm thinking, hang on, have you forgotten that I have that problem? OK, she wasn't 18, but she was my child and she died. Mind you, the same colleague said of her niece who had given birth to a child who died as soon as he was born "Oh, X is fine, she had loads of counselling" like that fixes everything! I wish!

shabbs · 25/02/2014 06:41

Morning girls xx

shabbs · 26/02/2014 10:34

Morning - everyone OK? xx

LilyTheSavage · 26/02/2014 11:45

Morning shabbs. I'm ok thanks. Building up to this weekend when my son's headstone is being blessed and dedicated. Lots of friends and family will be there. I'm looking forward to seeing people but I hate seeing Paddy's name there in stone. It makes more real somehow. How are you?

shabbs · 26/02/2014 14:58

I understand what you mean about seeing your boys name on the stone....Its all so weird and wrong isin't it?

I'm not too bad - thanks for asking xx

shabbs · 27/02/2014 08:01

Morning girls xx

thedaymylifestoodstill · 27/02/2014 10:20

Morning all

Hello shabbs, how are you? you've been busy then, with your parents and the housework? I hope you are getting a well deserved rest.

Lily, I am thinking of you for this weekend. Love to you and strength to help you through.

Hello to everyone else (waves). Let the groundhog day commence xx

LilyTheSavage · 27/02/2014 10:23

Thank you.

Groundhog day.... yep!

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