Walking together on a journey - sharing experiences, tears, anger and sometimes even laughter. United we stand, divided we fall.

[shabbatheGreek]

This special thread was started in 2008. Its a special place - one which nobody would ever willingly come to. I hope we pay tribute to our lost children by helping each other. xxxx

I know I'll feel properly thick when I've asked, but what is/are DHAC please?

Hello theday
I am definitely getting blown away in the playground this morning. Hard work. Sending you hugs. (I wish parents at school didn't stare at me so much. It's as if I've grown an extra head. My son died but I'm still a teacher. Get over it! Grrrr!!!)

well ive actually had a good day today
thought id better post about it before im seen as the biggest moaner on mn
lol

anyway met up witha good friend who i met through sands, she lost her little boy too
and we where catching up and chatting non stop from 11 till 4pm
was sooooo soooo nice just to feel comfortable with someone else and not to have to put on a show all the time

its not like we spent the whole time talking about sad things we talked about happy things too
but so nice to not feel on guard

ds2 was lovely behaved as well,hes at the really cooing and smiling all the timestage, had a nice lunch in a nice pub overlooking the canal and boats and i feel good today

twice we had people come over to admire ds2, which was nice, but we where both dreading them saying is he your first or them saying to my friend is he yours, or really any questions which would cause us to wonder if we should bring up our lost sons or not or feel bad if we didnt
luckily we where asked no such questions
but we both thought the same

thiink i will see if this friend is around more as i really like her company

plus on monday i saw another rl friend who also lost her first child
and i find that one thing that really really helps me the most having others to talk to
that i dont have to put an act on around
and can just be

i wonder if in time i will feel that comfortable with more p[eople the way i used to before losing ds1....

the day"innocent words of well-meaning friends would erupt like hand grenades inside her"
wow very very well put
so right
so true

i also had a bit of a sign moment again
me and friend had been talking nono stop for hours then as i had to get back for dd, she was off to a friends after school but i need to be here by the time shes home from that, anyway
after non stop talking friend when to take our money to pay the bill as the service was vv slow
and while she was gone i sat there looking at ds, thinking how wonderful he is and what a happy smiling chap he is
and how he neen so good for the amount of time we had been out and as the non stop chat had stopped i could hear the music in the background for the first time since we'd been there
and it was a song called bless the broken road
by rascal flats
and party of the lyric said,
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

and we where talking about god earlier and the timing just seemed so spooky as if it was some sort of sign or something

lily dhac are dont have a clues xx

love my fav garth brooks song
so apt for us in here

"The Dance"

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

thank you.

Morning girls - everybody safe? Hour after hour for us last night with all kinds of debris blowing around our estate, freeeeezing cold and pouring down. All is calm this morning as though nothing ever happened!!!!

Although this area is surrounded by floods, my bit of the town is not. It is crazy how much rain there has been. The weather really matches my mood at the moment - that grey relentlessness. I feel very lonely.

Morning girls xx

Hate that feeling of 'loneliness' - used to often feel that way - even in a room full of people xx

Yes it is so isolating x

Morning all. Very very rainy here today but we are fortunate not to experiencing flooding at all.

Heavenly, loneliness is one of the toughest part and I was going to say exactly what Shabbs said that even in a room of people you can feel so alone. I find that regularly. You can be with people who want only the best for you and still feel so lost. The truth is and what I find the hardest part is that noone else can feel exactly what you have done. It sucks.

Having a cup of tea, gazing out of the window at the pouring rain. I think the weather matches my mood.

Hello to everyone else.xx

Must confess i keeping all this flooding and I end up thinking
so what it's only bricks n mortar and material possesions

then I feel really mean thinking that

guess it's just my mood atm

ive not heard of any flood related deaths
not saying there have been none
just I havent heard about them
I find myself thinking socwhat its only a house

Morning girls xx

Evening all

How is everyone?

Diamond I do know what you mean, I feel very awful for these people but I'd rather be flooded and have my baby here. I heard a lady being interviewed on the radio who was saying she was being evacuated with her 5 week daughter, how awful it was, how quickly she was packing and she had to leave half the presents she received there. I could only think "at least you got to leave with your baby. A baby that's alive. Material things do not matter".

I keep trying to keep remind myself that, at this current moment in time, that is the worst thing that has happened to them. As frustrating as that is to think of it that way. Although if anyone else were to say that to me, I would bite their head off (someone did say that to me before and I got very very peed off). I'm trying. It's hard though.

Feel a bit like I'm sinking at the moment. Surrounded by fog and sinking.

Thoughts to all on this Saturday night. Still quite windy and rainy here. xxx

P.S. Diamond, I don't want you to think I was saying about the "worst thing that has happened to them" was aimed at you, I've re-read what I post and it could sound like that. It's just that I struggle very much with those thoughts at the moment and I find that I don't have much empathy with others. When I hear people moaning about work, or bills, or the weather, I find myself getting ill tempered and I'm trying to remind myself I was exactly the same before. (Not working much atm to be honest).

Hey the day, please don't worry I know just what you mean :)

Tbh I think that a lot when people moan about everyday life

A while ago one of the mums at school said something about it's it the worst thing in the world when your child has a operation ( in talking minor common thing here tonsil removal)
And I'm thinking no
The worse thing ever is watching your child die

I think that alto it could be someone saying they are worried about there child not doing well at school etc and I think so what they are alive and well

I think this type of thinking adds to the isolation and feeling lonely even when surrounded by others

Really is tough

After all that Johan with my mum upsetting me
She's only bloody well gone and done it again

This week it was referring to ds2 as my second
:(
Fucking sick of it
Really am

Then I feel like the bad guy and guilty when I correct people and say no he's my third

Just sick of worrying about everything all the bloody time

Morning everyone!

Diamond funnily enough I was going to say the same thing about loneliness, you realise unfortunately that people are on a completely different level and unless they've had something life changing like this happen to them - are in an alternate universe.

Sorry about your mum, did you correct her? I think you've every right to in my mind. What does she say when you do correct her?

I can't understand how people can't think that you haven't had three children, when you physically carried and gave birth to three children? So if people do ask how many children you have, you HAVE HAD THREE yet but I do have an internal argument with myself where I get stressed imagining my response to people. But I think I'm going to have to say three and stuff their response - if they're uncomfortable for all of say 10 seconds, then I think they can handle it. You're not to feel guilty if you have to do it. You are a mother, like all mums, who is proud of all of her children and is hurt when one is left out. I guess as mums we feel it and want all of our children to be recognised, and we do the whole mother lion thing, whereby we fight for all of them, even the ones no longer with us. (If that makes any sense).

I'm psyching myself up to face the day. Struggling at the moment, have no patience and feel sad and angry.

Lets hope that today is a drier day.

xxx

Sorry my fourth paragraph doesn't make sense, after I said HAVE HAD THREE, it should read "I haven't been asked that much yet,…"

Morning girls xx

Lewis stayed over night and got up at 5.30

Morning girls.
I went to a party last night. I only went because it was for the 50th birthday of one of my oldest friends and the 21st of her DS. I went on my own because my DH works abroad. I did very well until people were singing happy birthday to them and I watched the antics of my lovely friends DS and his friends and the loss of my own DS hit me with a wallop. I couldn't stop myself thinking about my DS's 21st last year. I'm very glad for my friend but couldn't cope with any more so I just said to my friend that I'd reached my sell-by-date and had to go. Cried all the way driving home.

The sun is shining in Bicester at the moment. It's better to be sad with sunshine than without.

no energy today

i said something in response to well when its not your first...

but i was worried about hurting her feelings as we only just, just, sorted the last life moves on ding dong out

makes me really sad its my mum saying this

bad enough from a stranger

im gonna have to say something AGAIN

as tbh its eatting away at me
running me down

Hi all. I always tell people about Mia if I am asked if Finn is my first, or if I have other children. I do have a somewhat lengthy answer, which provides some details about Mia, and also prevents awkward questions, which I have found to be easiest.

Yes, I just say quiet when people start complaining about things I find silly or trivial. When I am feeling generous, I just try to be glad that these concerns are all that they have to worry about in their lives, and say something bland and supportive… but it's not always easy. If I'm feeling less nice, I just ignore their complaints and move the conversation onto something more positive. At least now I am included in their worries, whereas initially, people didn't want to share the minutiae of their lives for the exact fear of knowing it was so small compared with my loss of Mia.

Morning girls xx

I find it really difficult too when people complain about silly stuff. I just want to say that it doesn't matter. I was walking my dogs a couple of days ago and the path goes alongside a few houses. My friend and I could hear shouting and yelling, and then a sort of very loud crying/sobbing. A man was shouting and we were a bit worried. A teenage boy then spilled out of the house with shouting and yelling and slamming doors. He ran down the road sobbing loudly and shouting something we couldn't understand. I was terribly upset and wanted to go and bash their silly heads together and tell them to cherish each other. They have no idea how precious their children are. My friend stopped me (luckily). Some people don't deserve to have children.

It's been an emotional day, but I've stayed calm (more or less). My DS's headstone has been erected this morning. It is a gift from his friend who also made it (his profession) and it looks amazing. I am glad we have marked his place for everybody to see. I shall add it to the list of things I never expected to have to do.

Morning girls xx

morning all

lily glad it looks amazing

i know i was vvv worried about ds's
headstone
and vvv relieved when it was put up and lovely
glad we went for something kinda timeless

been thinking this am i need to try and find a way to try and live more in the presence
suppose i feel guilty towards ds2 and dd that ds1 takes up so much of my head space